What To Do?

 

I say this city is home, but truthfully, I didn’t grow up inside Los Angeles. I grew up about 45 minutes away (without traffic) in what I call the last town in the county. So technically still LA, but not so much the dirt, grime, and desperation that slides through the streets of Hollywood. And oddly enough, this city doesn’t feel very much like home. But neither does home either.

I decided to stay in Los Angeles because it always seemed the place to be. It’s where my dreams of acting made the most sense, it’s where my family is, and nothing in the world could beat the weather. It’s a paradise people dream of, but why do I find myself dreaming of something else?

I long for a life a lot different than this. I envision small towns with a lot of history near the ocean and forests of green. I want to live in a place where there is a fire in a fireplace, snow, summer, and all the colors of autumn. I want a yard and a favorite bookshop down the cobblestoned streets with coffee and tea that will remind me of a childhood I never had. I want simplicity in such a sad and complicated world.

Yet on the flip side, I want to do and be amazing things. I want to create something that changes the world. I want to be a force of nature they would name a hurricane after. I want to be admired and loved, and I want to feel accomplished. I want to be wealthy, not for vanity’s sake, but so I never have to worry about it. I want a life that doesn’t concern itself with survival, but instead, focuses on living. Truthfully. Boldy. And with a ton of love. I want so much more than what I currently have I just don’t know how to get it.

I have so many passions, too many if you ask me. But they’re all there burning inside me like a flame consuming a library. I want to be a poet. An actor. A writer. A leader. An archaeologist. A husband. A traveler. An explorer. I tell my boyfriend that maybe these are all my past lives showing themselves to me in glimpses of inspiration. Today my passions tell me to write. Tomorrow they will tell me to read. Some days they tell me to sing. I feel like I am good at many things but not excellent in a single one. What use is a compass if no one uses it to go in a direction? And that’s what I want. A direction.  A sign to say what I should do in THIS lifetime. I’m afraid to settle, but I can’t yet decide what is the most important thing for me to fight for.

I just recently turned 28, and I feel as if I am running out of time to accomplish something. I look at other people my age and they seem to have it all figured out. I never thought I would be approaching thirty but still feel as lost as I was when I graduated high school. What I am learning, however, is that the older I seem to get the less I become excited about things. And if I feel this way now, imagine how I will feel at 50?

But I don’t want to be glum and say things are bad, because, they aren’t. Last year I self-published a book that was featured in various outlets including The LA Times, I have a boyfriend who is the epitome of what love should be, and I have my friends and family supporting and believing in me. I just feel disappointed I’m not where I thought I would be, but honestly, are we ever?

 

Is it fate or just a coincidence? Part 2

 

Read Part 1 here!

The second he said Sydney I knew it was him, and without missing a beat, I started spewing as many words and questions as I could get in over the music and before I lost his attention.

“Is your name Shaun? Are you a pilot? Did you date Aidon? I know Aidon!”

And then I started to tell a bit of my story, flying to Australia, falling in love, the cheating with Danny, and being left to return home alone.

We made our way to the bar, away from the sweaty bodies and pulsing music, where he bought me a drink as we started to compare our stories. We found a lot of inconsistencies. Aidon told me Shaun cheated on him, but in reality, Aidon cheated on Shaun. Leaving him to go back to his previous boyfriend, similar to what he did with me and Danny. Shaun apologized to me for what Aidon did and I apologized to him in return. It was like we were giving each other that apology that Aidon would never give to us, and in a weird way, it helped me release any lingering feelings I might have been holding on to.

We then Facetimed our friend Jacqui because she would never believe that we would have met in the most random bar in all of LA, and while on the call, Shaun leaned over and kissed me. I don’t know what his intention was, maybe for her to relay that message back to Aidon, but I didn’t mind. Maybe a part of myself wanted to get revenge too, but more importantly, I thought he was so cute.

Shaun’s sister approached us drunk and ready to leave. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and lucky for me, neither did he. When he stepped outside to hop in an uber with her, he text and asked me to tag along too.

“Nothing suss,” he proclaimed, “I just want to keep talking.”

And the thing was, I did too.

I told my best friend where I was going, leaving her in the arms of a beautiful tall stranger, and then I was off into the cab with someone who felt like a little piece of home.

After we dropped his sister off we began walking through the streets just talking. We’d occasionally touch and hold hands with kisses sprinkled like stars blinking in the night. I knew this wouldn’t last, how could it? This was my exes ex and yet again, someone who didn’t live in America. But as we walked passed window display we began to floor plan a future for us that we would never live. We picked out sofas and rugs and bathtubs and lamps. He promised me a library and a balcony overlooking the ocean, and walls lined with the worlds gaudiest tapestries. We laughed and we kissed and we allowed ourselves to just get lost together. It felt nice, and although I knew none of it was real, it was nice to pretend that it was. It felt so carefree, and I wonder if that’s what love should feel like. If love should feel like kids playing grown up and house.

I asked if he had a special someone back home, and of course, there was someone he had a crush on. His name is Sam, but the way he described him his name might as well have been Aidon part 2. Shaun and Sam had been talking for a few months and Sam wasn’t progressing their relationship. He refused to define it and would rather have kept Shaun in limbo. I know I didn’t know Shaun, but I knew he deserved better than that. Aidon put us through hell, so it made no sense to me that he would allow someone else to make him hide his feelings.

As we got closer to sunrise it was time for the magic to end. We had to wake up and come back to reality and leave behind this romantic fantasy we were playing, but these are the moments that make life feel amazing. Because we were just strangers, but our hearts, they were already friends.

I knew after tonight I wanted to see him again, but were my intentions romantic or friendly? I couldn’t figure it out. Because of course I thought he was attractive, but we also had such a unique story I just wanted to be friends and get to know him more. But despite what I was feeling what was he feeling? Did he think this was as magical and serendipitous as I did or was he a realist and to him this was all just one unmagical coincidence?

Is it fate, or just a coincidence? Part 1

Ever since I started my new job, I don’t get to go out on weekends anymore. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but when your life becomes a routine of work and sleep it’s nice to get a chance to let loose and just dance. And there is no better place I like to dance than Dance Yourself Clean at The Satellite in Silverlake.

When my best friend Kayla and I rolled up in our Uber we were annoyed to see a line out the door. When we first started coming this felt like “our” spot. It was never crowded, the music was wacky, and the people who came were free-spirited. The vibe and music haven’t changed, but the drones of people who now come can be a bit overwhelming, and when I’m forced to wait in line, very annoying.

As we waited patiently, a large group of people cut us off right when we got to the front of the building. Kayla started bitching, but I noticed a cute guy amongst the group and suddenly wasn’t angry that his party knew the bouncer and beat us inside.

About an hour later, as Kayla and I bounced around like idiots high on life and my first night off, I noticed the group from earlier dancing across the dance floor. I kept staring at the one I thought was cute and suddenly something clicked and I knew I recognized him from somewhere.

“Kayla!”

I began excitedly and breathlessly screaming at her over the music.

“I think that’s Aidon’s ex!”

For those who don’t know, Aidon is the boy I flew to Australia for. The one who cheated and ripped my heart out without any sense of regret or remorse. The one I was about to move for and change my entire life. The man who I thought was my soulmate.

So seeing his ex-boyfriend, the man he dated before me, was exciting. I needed to know if he thought Aidon was as terrible as I did. I wanted to find another survivor, and I needed to hear his story.

Immediately I had to come up with a plan. I wanted to confirm it was his ex, and the way I could do that without assuming anything was to find out if he had an accent. So being clever, I approached him and said,

“Hey, I like your shirt where’d you get it?”

He turned to me, a bit shocked, and replied,

“Oh, I got it back home in Sydney.”

The second he said Sydney I immediately knew I was right about who he was. This was Shaun, Aidon’s ex, and for some reason, in this small bar in all of Los Angeles, the universe brought two exes together.

 

 

Love Thyself

I haven’t written a post in a while, and I think it has a lot to do with this whole self-discovery kick I’ve been on. I created this blog to talk about dating. My struggles to find a genuine man. My mishaps and adventures in romance. I created this platform because dating WAS my focus. My dream. My goal. I think finding true love was my mission, but now, it isn’t. I am not focused on finding love in anyone but myself, and I think that is why all of sudden this blog has gone unexpectedly quiet.

There are other reasons as well. Unfortunately, about a month ago my grandma passed away and I don’t believe a part of myself has registered that. I still think come holidays we will spend it with her like we’ve done every year of my life. I can’t imagine a Thanksgiving or Christmas without her love and sass.

But also, I just simply haven’t been going on any dates. Ever since my Australia mishap I’ve only kinda pursued one person who just ended up becoming a fuck buddy and nothing more.

I got a new job, which is awesome and fun and puts more money in my bank account than I have seen in a while. So now I spend a majority of my time working on publishing my first poetry book and working at my new restaurant. I hardly ever go out and drink because I am so exhausted at the end of my work days. I know I am probably making myself sound super boring, but I promise you going through a phase like this is so beneficial. I get to step back and see what I want and who I am, and currently, I have reevaluated what my new dream might be. Because if it’s not finding love, what is it?

Don’t get me wrong, I am still dating, but only when I want to. I’m not rearranging previous plans, deterring from my routine, or making huge sacrifices for people who haven’t earned that type of respect yet. I used to give my time to others so freely and stealing it from myself but I am no longer doing that. And you know what I have found? It makes men angry.

I have been verbally attacked TWICE within the past week for turning down dates or not changing my plans to accommodate someone when they wanted me to. I’m not in a place in my life anymore where I just drop everything at the chance of love or romance. I used to. I would ditch friends, rearrange my schedule, and even cancel previous plans just to make a date work. I would sacrifice myself before people even deserved it, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.

I went out with this guy named Nick and we hit it off well. He was cute, easy to talk to, and we ended up getting breakfast at midnight. And although I had fun, I was in no rush to see him again. I didn’t feel inclined to rearrange any of my set week plans to make a second date. Maybe some of you could say it’s because I didn’t like him, but am I supposed to know that after a couple hours of hanging out?

The next day I spent the 4th of July on the beach with my friends. Some of them brought potential love interests and others were pining and waiting for someone to magically show up, but for the first time, I was content being single on a holiday. I didn’t need anyone there because I was just so happy to be with my friends. Nick, however, text me asking to hang out and when I declined, he began to get needy and aggressive saying I must just not be that interested.

1. We had just met yesterday
2. I didn’t owe him anything
3. I wasn’t going to change my plans or invite a stranger to join my friends

As the week progressed he got more upset when I didn’t rush the second date and then basically went on this rant about how if I was interested I would text back more frequently blah blah blah.

Why do people just assume you will drop everything for them when they barely know you and you barely know them?

Another guy named Alexander, whom I’ve never met with but talked via Instagram and texting, went off on me when I told him I was busy the day he asked me to lunch. He went on this tangent about how he’s well traveled, not poor, and blah blah blah. Why in the hell did he think that mattered to me? Of course, those are good traits to be culturally conscious and have finances in order, but if you aren’t humble or respectful why would I want you?

When I told him I wasn’t the type of person to just drop what I already have planned for someone else because THEY are available he called me arrogant, rude, and misleading. I have NEVER even met this guy and he was already making assumptions about my personality because I respectfully told him I was spending time with my family. I just don’t understand why people feel so entitled to things they haven’t earned. Maybe we now live in a society where people expect to get whatever they want. Is that the American Dream?

I’m not opposed to dating. I won’t run from love if it found me. But truth be told, I don’t want it to. I don’t want love right now because I don’t really know yet what it is I NEED right now. Therapy these past months have helped me get over Aidon and Australia. That experience broke me in a million different ways and try putting something back together that you never knew could break. PSA: Therapy is wonderful, but find yourself a therapist who will challenge you and force you to grow. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have someone to talk to and get me through all of this. She helped me discover a love for myself in more ways than I can count. Self-growth is fucking hard, and now I realize why so few people do it. It’s hard to accept areas in your life that need work because we live in a society that teaches us we have to be perfect. We live in a world of people who would rather stay in shit situations because they’re afraid to be alone. And you’re right being alone is scary, because you realize you have so much power, and that is terrifying to a world that wants you to have none.

 

 

 

 

To Share or Not To Share, That is the Question?

So it’s been awhile since I have updated, but I do have updates. Plenty of them, however, let’s start with Alec. He is the most pressing issue I have on hand, and he is full of lessons I can’t seem to be capable of learning. Or maybe, I refuse to learn.

Alec is someone I met about 2 months ago through the app Hinge. We hit it off right away and have been talking ever since. We’re not exclusive, and I must admit I’ve slept with one other person since we met, but I felt so guilty for it. Why? Because when I realize I like someone, anything feels like cheating if it isn’t for them. Maybe that sounds drastic, but that is just how I’m wired. I don’t fall for people often, but when I do, I fall. Hard.

Alec is the first boy I’ve liked since Aidon. He is the first one to make me believe again that I can love someone else, and to me that means something. When we’re together he acts like a boyfriend. Kisses me every time he sees me, holds my hand when we’re out, and has met all of my friends. But then sometimes it feels like I mean nothing to him except sex.

Alec is leaving in a couple months to teach english in Japan, so whatever relationship we have is ultimately doomed, however I don’t know how to like him and not want more. I’m trying to be casual with him, my feelings, and the whole situation. This is all uncharted territory for me, yet I feel myself getting passive aggressive with him like we’re lovers and I can’t stop it.

For example, he promised he would be at my show and didn’t show up. I was extremely hurt and bummed because when you like someone, you want them to see you in your element. I wanted him to watch me perform because it meant a lot to me to be sharing my art on stage in front of people. But when he didn’t show, and gave some lame excuse he was tired, I felt myself wanting to shut down and just close him out. But I fought against it and tried to brush it all aside like I didn’t care. Is that how we have to play the love game in order to win? Pretend to be casual and not let things that hurt us actually hurt us?

He took me on a date to make up for missing my performance, and 2 glasses of wine later, we got on the topic of him leaving. One thing led to another and he admitted to me he has also been seeing other people. Immediately something in me shut off. I was hurt, and I could feel myself wanting to cry. It wasn’t directed towards just him, but I could feel the weight of his words on my shoulder like it was being pushed down by the boys of my past. I thought about Aidon and him picking Danny. I thought of every single one of my breakups and how I felt like I wasn’t enough. And now, here sitting across from me, was a boy I liked who was making me feel the exact same way all over again.

I understand he is leaving, but I don’t understand how to not have feelings. I told him I was going to hold back, that I didn’t want to get hurt, and I was afraid of him hurting me. I was being honest, but I was also scared I was being too honest. I want to be the boy who doesn’t care. The one who can hide his feelings behind nonchalant smiles and laughs. But I can’t. I don’t want to share him, and if that’s what he wants then maybe I am not the man for him right now. Is it drastic of me to want to walk away just because we can’t reach a level of monogamy? I’ve done the hook ups. I’ve played this game. I want something serious. As Carrie Bradshaw once said, I just want to be the one. Someone tell me I’m the one.

He asked me why I liked him and I never spoke about the physical. When I asked him in return, one of his responses was “sexual chemistry.” In all honesty, I’ve had better sex. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy sex with him because I really do, but I wouldn’t put sex on my list of liking someone. Maybe because I desire emotional connection more than a physical one. Physicality is easy to come by, but a heart, that’s the rare thing to find nowadays.

So what do you all think?

Should I keep seeing Alec even though it’s probably just for regular sex until he leaves and maybe I can practice falling for someone without losing myself? 

or

Call it quits and put my focus and attention on someone who actually cares and wants a relationship because my heart has been through enough? 

Not Letting Go

People think “Get over him already” is good advice for a heartbreak, but let me just tell you, it’s not. It makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong because you can’t let go, or that your love was meaningless. It tries to take something that was once so big and make it small and insignificant. And I personally fucking HATE it.

I know I have dedicated a lot of these previous posts to my last relationship, and although it was shitty and terrible and he’s a jerk, it was still one of the most impactful and painful break up’s I have ever faced. And this isn’t a post dedicated to me wanting him back. This is an explanation for why I will never truly let him go.

As an artist, and especially as a performer, I pull from my past experiences to help me create. I don’t run from the way I feel, lock it up, and pretend I’m devoid about what is the best thing about being human.

I like to take these experiences and make poetry with it. I write a lot of poems about Aidon, sometimes saying the thing I wish I could have said, but they are not a plea for him to come back. On the contrary, they’re the therapy helping to exercise him out. And this is what I try to explain to people who tell me to get over him, but most of the time they just don’t understand.

You notice how there is a difference in grips? Like when drinking something you grip it firmly so it doesn’t spill, and how if you grip it softly it will slip? Both grips are a way of holding on, but notice how with one you can easily lose the very you’re trying to hold on to? This is what it’s like when I hold onto my ex. I still touch him, but I am not gripping in a way where I’m afraid to lose what I am holding on to. Like I’m a little further from the fire but I can still benefit from it’s warmth.

Aidon is my muse. He’s what I will continue to use for as long as I can, and If it makes me feel better to use him in my art what is wrong with that? Why do I have to forget and act like he doesn’t exist to me? I’m not hurting anyone else by using my experiences and making poetry or blog posts out of it.

So the next time you try telling someone to get over it, first try and understand why they’re in it. If I was on the floor bawling everyday just dying for him to come back then yes help me snap out of it all. But I’m not. I’m healing, and I’m not sorry that my process might look different than yours. That’s what make’s us beautiful.

 

Always a Bridesmaid Never a Bride

I wonder if I’m listed in a guide book somewhere as an attraction. Like, the most amazing place to visit but never stay. One of those exotic caves filled with glow worms or stalagmites. Amazing to see and be inside of, but never the place where you go “I want to live here.”

I went out this past weekend to the gay bars in West Hollywood with my friend Tim. He and I have a unique friendship. We are incredibly close, never been sexual, and used to serve together in church. We both discovered the other was gay when we ran into one another a few years ago at a bar. I remember seeing him, marching straight up to his face and drunkenly saying, “What’re you doing here!?” Ever since then, we’ve always gone out to bars together. That pretty much seems to be our friendship. Hoe’s that party together, stay together.

While out we started just taking drinks down, and the next thing I knew I was 3 vodka soda’s deep and I was feeling pretty damn good. We hopped from bar to bar checking out who we thought were cute and I ran into some people I knew. Without fail, there always seems to be the same people out in WeHo. I hope no one ever looks and me and thinks, “Oh he’s a regular.”

We were in this new bar called Beaches when I saw this guy I followed on instagram but had never met. I remember seeing him like 5 years ago on OkCupid thinking he was cute. I thought he had a boyfriend so I never tried to push anything, but drunk me was at least determined to finally meet him.

I don’t know how it happened or even why, but I walked up to him and briefly/awkwardly introduced myself. It’s so weird how it’s acceptable to say you know someone from instagram and immediately it’s like you’re somehow friends. He said he recognized me but wasn’t entirely sure who I was. I gave him a brief history and then went on my way to go buy a tub of ice cream from the grocery store on the corner and a bottle of water.

I must be a sight to see when I go out. Here I was eating a tub of ice cream while my other drunk friend scarfed down two slices of pizza and I didn’t give two fucks what anyone thought. I always like to end my nights with ice cream, and I usually grab extra spoons in case anyone else I meet on the street wants to partake in some drunchies (drunk munchies).  It’s my form of “giving back” to the community.

While enjoying my caramel pretzel ice cream I got a notification on my phone from that guy I ran into in the bar. He wrote me saying how cute he thought I was and I drunkenly just asked him to come home with me.

10 minutes later we were making out in the backseat of an uber with hands in pants I almost thought we were about to make a baby. And despite the fact I was now hooking up with someone I’ve admired for years, there was one major problem, he had a boyfriend.

Somewhere in between kisses I remembered he was dating someone and then we briefly talked about it. He spoke so negatively about his relationship and how his boyfriend cheats all the time and how he practically “hates” him. And although a sober me wouldn’t have kept hooking up, drunk me didn’t care. I just remember telling him he is the type of person that gives love a bad name and how offended he was by my comment. And although drunk me lost some standards and I felt like a home wrecker, I was still proud that I called out bullshit when I saw it. Even if I went against it. I acknowledged it, and that to me is a start.

Next thing I know we’re laying breathless in my bed from amazing sex. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the weed, or maybe genuinely it was just good sex. He was a great kisser, knew what he was doing, and he had a solid tight muscular body. I felt close to someone, but after when I was all ready to cuddle, he was passed out on the bottom of my bed. I curled up by myself, and despite just having someone inside me, I felt empty without him holding me. I think truthfully that was just the type of intimacy I needed and wanted. I wanted to hold someone goodnight.

When we awoke the next morning he asked if we had sex. Wow, he didn’t even fucking remember, and then he went on to rant about his boyfriend and how when they’re “done” he is going to ask me out. I just wanted him to leave so I could get a few more hours of sleep before I had to go to work. He proceeded to go down on me and then swallowed when I was finished. That was pretty hot, and not something men have done often for me in the past. I always fall for these “straight” gays who are like afraid of dick and semen, but this guy was all for it and in the moment I was all for him wanting it.

The following night I went out again to celebrate a birthday party and drunk me should not be allowed on instagram. This really cute boy who I follow wrote me and we started chatting and flirting. He, per usual, had a boyfriend but kept telling me how badly he wanted me and how if we lived in the same state I’d get him in trouble. The messages went from flirty to dirty to full on sexual. The following morning he wrote me saying his boyfriend saw the messages and how he had to block me to prove to his boyfriend how faithful he was to him.

And then all of this got me thinking. One night I’m having sex with someone taken and then the next night I’m sexting someone else in a relationship. And then I started thinking about how my ex had someone before he met me and how he played us both but chose him instead.

So am I the problem? Am I a home wrecking slut? Why do I seem to be the one everyone wants to cheat on their boyfriend for but not the one they want to make their partner? How could I be someone worthy of risking your relationship but not worthy of keeping for the long haul?

Each of these guys talked about how they weren’t happy in their relationships, but for some reason they stay. They all settle for less than what they want and I will never understand why. Why is everyone so scared to be alone and just see what’s out there? Because when you try to hold onto something while looking for something else, you just end up hurting a lot more people than yourself.

 

 

Valentine’s Day Magic

This is my 26th year without a Valentine. I’m not trying to say that to be sad or dramatic or gather heaps of sympathy. It’s just a simple fact about me. In a weird way I’m kind of proud of it because when I finally do have a Valentine it will have totally been worth the wait.

But it’s not that I haven’t had boyfriends, it just seems I never have one when the holiday rolls around. Looking back, all my break ups tend to fizzle out during the end of the year, so when the new year begins it’s like both me and my love life get a fresh start.

And this year I was fully prepared to be my own Valentine.

Last year for Valentine’s day I was invited to this exclusive Hollywood gay singles mixer party thrown by a guy who runs a super popular entertainment news outlet. He had found me on instagram and invited me to his party. I ran into a few people I knew and made some new connections. The liquor was free and the dessert spread was out of this world. It was a gay ol time.

This year I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, and as I sat in horrible LA traffic, I had the idea to host a dinner with my friends and just watch romantic movies while we all forget our lack of romance on this Hallmark holiday. But then suddenly I remembered the party from last year, and had the ballsy idea to just text the guy and see if he was hosting another one since I hadn’t heard anything. Within seconds of sending him a text, he replied with an image of the party invitation.

It was happening, and I just scored myself another invitation.

Me, My best friend Jonathan, and my old roommate James arrived to the party looking our best. I wore a tank top with a donut on it and the Ed Sheeran lyric, “I’m in love with the shape of you” thinking it would have been a clever conversation starter.

1) No one commented on it which irked me because where was the sense of humor!?

2) I was the only guy at the party who wore a fucking tank top.

My friends and I also seemed to be the only ones who didn’t mind eating the food spread. Everyone in LA, especially the gays, are so carb and sugar conscious. I get it, I want a hot body too, but food is life and God’s gift to all of mankind.

Here’s a fun fact about me and parties: you can and will always find me near the food. I practically just go to parties for the free food and drinks. Mainly the food.

As my friends and I stuffed our faces on chocolate covered pretzels, glitter donuts and brownies, and heart shaped pizza, we began to survey the room to find the cutest boys. It was a room full of your typical LA hotties. You had your instagram models, influencers, actors, the coolest people you will ever meet (me and my friends), and just a random assortment of people in the entertainment industry. It was the perfect place to network, and a perfect place to find someone. Even if that someone is just for the night.

At first my friends and I were stuck to one another like glue, but as the party progressed and the alcohol started pumping through our bodies, we each found our own little corners of the room to mingle with strangers.

I told everyone I was a poet, because I am so exhausted from saying I’m an actor due to it being just extremely cliche in this town. Being a poet sparked interested, and that’s what I wanted. I was still a performer, but this type of performance made me different.

I was riding a high during the entire party. Earlier in the day I released a slam poem on youtube to my ex and his new boyfriend (click here) and I was receiving so much positive feedback throughout the day that I used it to manifest and project myself into an even better night. I was determined to meet at least one person I was insanely attracted to and get a number.

There was one guy at the party everyone seemed to be drawn to. He was about 6’4 and his name was Jose. All night men approached him to talk but he didn’t seem too interested in anyone. Was he secretly straight and just here to ride the free food and drink train and just get showered with compliments?

I eventually made my way to him, and struck up a conversation. He was there with his cousin and was invited via instagram by the host. I guess the only way into this damn party was instagram. As the night progressed he slowly opened up about slowly coming to terms with being gay and how he was a student up north who just came down for the party.

But small talk aside, I knew I wanted to kiss him.

Either it was the vodka speaking or me still riding my high from my revenge poem,  I told him what I wanted. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You want me to kiss you?” and within a second pulled me in causing me to stand on my tip toes as he lip locked me into a tight embrace.

Everything around me stopped. It was like the music cut at the party and everyone was staring, and as we pulled away and I glanced around the room, I could see the other guys whispering and pointing at us. I guess I made the impression my tank top lacked to do with it’s clever pun.

As we stood there, me mostly shocked that I just kissed the hottest guy in the room,  I could feel my lips tingling. The kiss was rough, passionate, and he bit my lip just enough to cause my insides to squirm with joy. I had a taste, and after that moment I wanted a bite of the whole thing.

I was clever, and I told him the kiss was decent and not the best. I was lying through my teeth, but I wanted him to kiss me one more time. And without missing a beat he pulled me back in, and this time it was a completely different kiss.

This one was romantic, soft, slow, and it felt like an I love you without words. It was probably single handedly the best kiss of my entire life.

He pulled away and asked if that was better, and without thinking anything could have topped that first kiss, I just nodded and said yes. He told me I was beautiful, and in a room full of beautiful men, I felt like a 100/10 because I was the one he kissed. It’s not that I personally don’t think I’m attractive, because I do, but like any other human I have my doubts from time to time. Who doesn’t get insecure every so often? But I truly believed I would kiss him that night and I did, so listen up readers, if you want something you can have it. Just be confident and fucking go for it.

We said our goodbyes as the party died down and he told me if I was ever up north to hit him up. I wasn’t looking for anything with him. I was just content with that kiss and if that’s all we could ever be that was okay. Because something about that kiss was magic, and I enjoyed it for what it was; a beautiful moment. And I sometimes think these are what life is truly about. Those moments that leave you breathless, and perfectly content despite how brief they are. It’s these moments that don’t leave room for a heartbreak, and that is exactly what I need right now.

 

 

 

What My Pride Can’t Say

Aidon,

I’ve spent so much time just thinking and reflecting, but somehow never forgetting. I can’t seem to forget anything about this whole experience. I’m not sure I want to if I’m being totally honest. When someone shakes your world and changes both your heart and your mind, how can you just forget about them?

I can’t.

I channel it into art, poetry, and all forms of my writing. I think mainly I’m just trying to write my way into understanding because I will never understand how you so easily forgot, moved on, and never once thought to look back.

I always thought we meant more than that.

People think the distance between us should make things easier, but it doesn’t. I think maybe it’s because the distance is so vast it makes everything about us feel small and meaningless and I hate that. Because to me, all of this was real. Nothing about the way I felt was fake, and it was unlike anything I had experienced before. I guess that’s what makes the aftermath so difficult as well.

I hope you don’t misinterpret why I’m writing you. This is not some confession that I’m madly in love with you and I want us back. This is just me breaking the silence that we so casually built between us. It’s me bringing some misunderstanding into the light. It’s me just simply trying to keep growing.

A part of myself wants to know if any of this was hard for you, and another part of myself knows I can’t really handle any more of your “truths.” It took me awhile to stop looking at your social media, but when I saw your vacations and the joy on your face with him, I knew I was just hurting myself deeper than you initially did. That pain was all on me.

When I was with you in Australia my emotions were so blindsided I couldn’t decide on how to feel. Love triumphed, which gave me patience, but I have still yet to find forgiveness. I can’t seem to forgive you for what you did to me. I go from anger, to hurt, to sadness, to just feeling like a dumb American.

You left me alone, after I flew across the world to be with you because you said you loved me, and then you ran after someone else. You wanted both of us, and in the end chose what was easier and more convenient. I can’t blame you for that. It’s easier to keep your life the way it is than to do something drastic that could alter it all together. But no one really grows in their comfort zone, and everything about you threw me out of mine. Heck I was supposed to be living with you in Australia right now! Nothing could have thrown me out of my zone more than that. Maybe that’s why I have taken so much away from this experience. I’m not going to pretend to know where you are in your life. I can only focus on myself and where I’m going, but I will never forget where I’ve been.

Why didn’t you try harder to keep me in your life? Why did you just let me walk away?

I know it’s easy to move on when you have your focus on someone else. I did not have that luxury, nor do I want it. I had my focus on you, and how you were able to balance two hearts for so long I will never understand. I bet it was easier to move on because you never had to see my pain, and maybe that is how distance could be beneficial for you. But I refuse to throw myself in a relationship just to forget my previous one.

I am thankful I allowed myself to break for you because I now have so much more clarity on what I want, what I need, and who I am. Now I can learn to love myself in all the ways you and I couldn’t. You never really know how little you know yourself until you actually take the time alone to learn it. But the more I learn, the more I realize how hard it is to grow. I guess maybe that’s why they have the term growing pains because even flowers must push their way through dirt before they can truly bloom and be beautiful. So many people settle in their lives, and I refuse to be one of them. So bring on the dirt, bring on the pain, because  I’ll be basking in the sun looking amazing. Alright, that’s enough of the poetic references for me.

Aid if we’re meant to be in one another’s life like we always believed, then time should never change that. So no matter how long it is until we speak again or see one another, I hope one day we can connect in a way that was better than before. Let that be the one truth you gave me.

Love,

KTN

Sparks Again

Tonight I went on a date.

Shocking, I know. A blog about dating and I start this post with, “I went on a date,” like it’s some absurd thing. But if you’ve been following along you will know that this is actually huge since that pesky think called a break up that I just went through.

His name is Alec and we met on this new app I just got called Hinge. They’re not paying me to say this, but so far it’s my favorite dating app. It’s very organized, people on it actually talk to one another, and the boys (for the most part) are cute as hell. I even matched with a YouTube celeb! But back to Alec.

We met at my favorite pizza spot because it was the only real location I knew between where we both live. He and I probably live about 40 minutes from one another, which if you’re a LA snob, would be considered “too far.” But if you know me you know that clearly I have no problem with a little distance. I mean, I dated someone in Australia for crying out loud! I don’t think I can get much further than that, well, until they colonize Mars. Then knowing my luck I would probably even try to do intergalactic distance because why the fuck not. I love challenges apparently.

Leading up to the date I knew I was going to have a good time. He had a great sense of humor and I felt connected to him right away when we first started chatting, but I was also having a great day in general so I was open to more positivity and connectivity.

When I saw him standing outside the restaurant I immediately began to size him up. He was both taller and thinner than I imagined and a lot more handsome in person. Not that I didn’t think he was attractive going into this, but sometimes photos can be a let down. I mean that’s honestly how I feel about mine. I get so insecure I won’t live up to the facade I parade on social media. I’m working on insecurity though, and it’s totally a part of my whole process of learning self love.

I gave him a hug, but I never know what the proper response is to meeting an online date for the first time. Are you supposed to hug or shake hands? Or just do nothing and say hi? I’m not sure what’s “proper,” but I always hug. I’m a hugger.

When we were waiting in line to order our pizza we were already instantly connected in conversation. There was no awkwardness, it was extremely playful and flirty, and it was comfortable like we’ve known one another for awhile. It was nice, and it felt so refreshing to just be myself again without being anxious on a date. The best part was, I completely forgot about my ex while I was with him.

One of the big issues with Alec though is that he doesn’t like Taylor Swift, but I think that’s something we can work on. But in reality everything about him is pretty great. He has a wonderful sense of humor, kind blue eyes, and such a genuine energy about him. I made a ton of poor jokes throughout the night that were mainly funny to me, and despite him poking fun at my humor, I just knew we would get along well. For example when we talked ethnicity he said his dad was 100% Danish and I asked, “Cherry or Apple?”

I thought it was hilarious.

While talking though I could tell he is the type of person I would fall for, and I made sure I took note of that so I don’t lose myself in him if this is something I decide to pursue further. Plus he is a people pleaser, and to me that is a BIG red flag. People pleaser’s tend to hurt people by being deceitful to make others happy, so I made sure I took a mental note of that as well. I’m not putting a wall up, but I am making sure I’m cautious in future relationships so I don’t end up hurting like I have in the past. After all no one is going to protect my heart better than myself.

After dinner we walked to our cars together still stuck in conversation. On the side of the restaurant is a plaque with two handprints on it and some writing above each hand and the gist of it is that one person places their hand on the handprint and a stranger places their hand on the other and you remove your hands once you’re no longer strangers. I placed my hand on one of the handprints and read it aloud while he placed his hand on the other. When I finished reading he goes, “But we’re not strangers,” and then leaned in and kissed me. It was so romantic and perfect and made my frozen heart melt a little. It was the perfect moment for a first kiss and I will definetly always remember it, especially because I go to that pizza place all the time.

When we reached our cars he pulled me in and kissed me again while he held me with such confidence. It was nice, and I could tell he genuinely cared. I don’t know if that makes sense but there was just something about his grasp that felt good, and I haven’t felt that good in a very long time.

He asked to see me again and I didn’t want to appear eager so we never set a date. He said we had to hang in his neighborhood next time, and I smartly replied “What makes you think I have to go to you?” This made him laugh and he retorted with, “We all know who wears the pants in this relationship,” and that just made me laugh even harder back because he has no idea what he’s in for.

I like the me I portray when I’m first getting to know someone because it’s my true self. I’m carefree, not afraid to be myself, and I actually eat my dinner because I’m not a self conscious nervous mess. Overall, I’m confident, but somehow I lose it as relationships progress. I’m working on it.

I don’t know where Alec and I will go. This could be it for us or there could be more dates to come, but honestly it doesn’t matter to me. Because for the first time I felt a little spark, and that’s enough to help remind myself that I can move on and love again.