I say this city is home, but truthfully, I didn’t grow up inside Los Angeles. I grew up about 45 minutes away (without traffic) in what I call the last town in the county. So technically still LA, but not so much the dirt, grime, and desperation that slides through the streets of Hollywood. And oddly enough, this city doesn’t feel very much like home. But neither does home either.
I decided to stay in Los Angeles because it always seemed the place to be. It’s where my dreams of acting made the most sense, it’s where my family is, and nothing in the world could beat the weather. It’s a paradise people dream of, but why do I find myself dreaming of something else?
I long for a life a lot different than this. I envision small towns with a lot of history near the ocean and forests of green. I want to live in a place where there is a fire in a fireplace, snow, summer, and all the colors of autumn. I want a yard and a favorite bookshop down the cobblestoned streets with coffee and tea that will remind me of a childhood I never had. I want simplicity in such a sad and complicated world.
Yet on the flip side, I want to do and be amazing things. I want to create something that changes the world. I want to be a force of nature they would name a hurricane after. I want to be admired and loved, and I want to feel accomplished. I want to be wealthy, not for vanity’s sake, but so I never have to worry about it. I want a life that doesn’t concern itself with survival, but instead, focuses on living. Truthfully. Boldy. And with a ton of love. I want so much more than what I currently have I just don’t know how to get it.
I have so many passions, too many if you ask me. But they’re all there burning inside me like a flame consuming a library. I want to be a poet. An actor. A writer. A leader. An archaeologist. A husband. A traveler. An explorer. I tell my boyfriend that maybe these are all my past lives showing themselves to me in glimpses of inspiration. Today my passions tell me to write. Tomorrow they will tell me to read. Some days they tell me to sing. I feel like I am good at many things but not excellent in a single one. What use is a compass if no one uses it to go in a direction? And that’s what I want. A direction. A sign to say what I should do in THIS lifetime. I’m afraid to settle, but I can’t yet decide what is the most important thing for me to fight for.
I just recently turned 28, and I feel as if I am running out of time to accomplish something. I look at other people my age and they seem to have it all figured out. I never thought I would be approaching thirty but still feel as lost as I was when I graduated high school. What I am learning, however, is that the older I seem to get the less I become excited about things. And if I feel this way now, imagine how I will feel at 50?
But I don’t want to be glum and say things are bad, because, they aren’t. Last year I self-published a book that was featured in various outlets including The LA Times, I have a boyfriend who is the epitome of what love should be, and I have my friends and family supporting and believing in me. I just feel disappointed I’m not where I thought I would be, but honestly, are we ever?
2 thoughts on “What To Do?”
I have been following you since… I think you started your blog, It bring me great joy to see a post from you. EXTREMELY happy that you have found someone that you can share your you dreams passions, and life with.
I also know how you feel. All these good things around in your life and someone how you as if you are in slow motion and everybody is on fast forward. A feeling as if you were stuck in limbo.
I recently moved to Portland because although I loved home, it also felt like i didn’t belong. Although I am still trying to figure myself out, I know that I am still at a good place because moving to Portland is something that I always wanted to do. I had marked something off of my checklist. Best part, I had done it with my boyfriend who is my best friend.
I feel like that is what I am the happiest for you about. that you now have someone that can pick you back up when you are down. To see you see yourself as the man he sees. The one that he loves. Remember that he is your biggest cheerleader. And youre not alone anymore. The point of having a partner is that now you have each other to GROW together. So even if you feel stuck, it’s only temporary. He’s got you.
Sorry for the rant and hope you don’t think I am some weirdo. Best wished man. You got this.
I really appreciate your following, commenting, and joining me on my journey! It means a lot to know someone out there is actually reading the mess I throw into the void of the internet. I am so glad to hear about your love and big life move! What an exciting and nerve-wracking journey, but it’s reassuring to hear that your boyfriend is supportive and there to help you in a time of transition and growth. That is the best kind of love, someone who chooses to grow with you instead of apart. I am figuring my way around one day, and step, at a time. I feel so blessed to have someone so supportive and loving on my side after spending so long searching for someone like him. I had begun to give up hope, but I swear my grandma was looking out from Heaven and sent him my way. No matter what I decide I know I have the support to back me up, and that is what is so important. I love this journey, but it’s also a pain in the butt!
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