All Things Must End

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I’m sitting here writing this in the airport terminal 3 days before I was actually intended to leave. But my heart couldn’t take it anymore, and watching the man I love struggle between picking me and someone else just became unbearable.

The breaking point came when Aidon, his friend Haley, and I were sitting hanging out on his balcony. He had left to make a call and when he came back I just knew it had something to do with Danny. He looked at me, with guilt in his eyes, and then he confessed to us that Danny blocked him and cut him out of his life. He then started crying. The man I just flew across the world to see and spend time with started crying in front of me for another boy, and that’s when it hit me. If Danny could have this strong of effect on him then there is love there I don’t want to compete with. I am not someones second choice. I am not an option.

He and Haley excused themselves to go for a drive so he could talk things out with her, and I sat in his apartment by myself shocked that this was happening. Did he really just leave me alone, in a country where I have no one but him, to go talk and vent his feelings about another boy? And in that moment I remembered my worth. My future husband wasn’t going to leave me alone while he runs after someone else.

When he came back my heart just knew a part of him has picked Danny. When I confronted him about it he agreed, saying that maybe he does want him more. I  said okay, walked out of the room, and then proceeded to pack my bag. I am not going to sit back and have someone tell me they pick someone else over me after I had dropped everything to be there with them. If losing Danny made him think he wanted him, he was in for a world full of surprise when he loses me.

Seeing me actually get everything together made something in him snap. He started saying he’s making a mistake and that I’m the one he wants.

I just laughed.

He didn’t want me, and I also don’t think he wants Danny. I think he just wants to be with whoever is hurting the most because having him is the only way Danny or I would be happy and he’s tired of seeing both of us hurting.

Our last night together was weird. It was a lot of crying and apologies and him saying he doesn’t know what he wants. We watched a movie, he tried to cuddle, but I didn’t want to touch him. How could I when I kept thinking that maybe a part of him wanted to touch someone else?

He’s emotionally retarded, and for someone who is 30 years old I expected a lot more maturity out of him. He played with my emotions, kept telling me I was what he wanted, and then when I came to make it happen he got scared. He keeps saying he’s afraid of me, scared of what he feels for me because he’s never felt like this before. Well Aidon, I need a partner that can make a choice. Someone who can stand up for what they believe in, and someone who will fight tooth and nail for love.

Danny told Aidon he would take him back if Aidon would give him proof that he is officially done with me. Apparently he wants a screenshot of a text between Aidon and I with Aidon saying he picks Danny. That should be enough proof to Aidon that Danny is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

My goodbye with Aidon was tough. I don’t want to let go because I love him and I know that the relationship we could have had would of been amazing. But looking at it now, we could not have started a relationship with all his lies and dishonesty.

I told him that he needs to take the time to really think about what he wants, and he has to be prepared that whoever he chooses may not want him back. But I said that’s the risk we take with love, and that he has to fight for it. He has to prove to whoever he picks thats what and who he wants. He has to work fucking hard, and I don’t think he actually has the strength to do that.

I could see him try and backpedal saying I’m the one he could choose and what not but at this point it’s just lip service bullshit.

Would I take him back? Probably, and I’m such an idiot for saying that. But I see something special there, however, I just can’t be the only one who see’s it.

If he wants me, he knows where to find me. But I’m not putting my life on hold while he figures it out. I got lots of life and love to give. Let the new adventures begin.

 

 

 

 

Three is a Crowd

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I’ve been in Australia now for over a week visiting Aidon, and I still can’t help but to feel like there is a dark cloud looming over me.

He keeps telling me to enjoy my trip, to not think about the fact of Danny, and to enjoy the moment. But I am human. I don’t know how to turn my feelings off, pretend I’m not hurting, and to just be present. How can I be present with someone when I feel a huge part of myself screaming to run away?

Somehow Danny manages to become a topic of conversation every single day. Mainly it’s because I feel a huge sense of insecurity and I’m plagued with questions that I need answered. And every time I hurt or show some sense of pain Aidon will ask me what’s wrong. How many times can I tell him the same thing until he just understands he is the cause of it all?

The reason I’m still allowing myself to stay in this love triangle is because I can’t physically go home until the next few days. After this I will be worlds away and I won’t have to see Aidon, I won’t be forced to look at him and see him in my mind with someone else, and I will find it easier to be sad and eventually move on.

I always saw love as black or white. I know love triangles exist in movies, but I’ve learned that life is never like the movies. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I never want to be in one like it again. Imagine watching the person you love say they love you but they also love someone else too? Imagine trying to constantly be present and give your whole heart to someone who is giving less and sometimes mentally off somewhere else. I never asked to be in a competition, and although I know my worth, I’m not here to convince someone else to see it.

I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of pretending to be okay just so he can feel okay. If I keep giving him all my strength how am I going to be strong for myself? And this is how I know I love him, because I am so quick to make sure he’s okay that I’m ignoring the nagging feeling I have inside that is telling me to take care of myself. I love him, but I also love me.

I just want him to choose. Instead Danny and I both hang by like options, but I am not a option. I should be someones choice. And that’s the lesson here. We, as people, should never have to convince someone to love us. If we fall for people without the convincing, why do we feel like we have to convince them? Shouldn’t they just fall like we did?

My mom always tells me love should be easy. That there shouldn’t be too much drama and that if it’s right it just works. Sometimes I believe her and sometimes I don’t. Falling for Aidon was easy. Everything about us clicked very naturally and quickly in the beginning. Now, however, it just became difficult and I don’t know if it’s worth fighting for. I mean, if I was on the outside I would tell me to tell him to fuck off and go find someone worth it and better. But that’s the shitty thing about love. It makes you stay long after you need to, and it makes it hard to even let the worst things for us go.

I don’t know how my trip here is going to end. I hate that I will always look back on Australia and think about how I flew across the world to just get my heart broken and handed back to me. I know Aidon hasn’t picked Danny, but he hasn’t picked me either.

 

Choices

 

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Love is weird. It takes the most simple things and makes it all complicated. I never understood why it couldn’t be like the movies. Maybe I romanticize love too much, or I fall too easily. I just am well aware of what I want and I go after it. But I tend to fall for boys who don’t know what they want, and it makes me wonder if I’m doomed to either love or be loved but never both.

I’m spending money I don’t have right now to be in Australia with Aidon. If it wasn’t for my sheer stubbornness and naivety I probably wouldn’t be here. But I wanted to show him how much I care. How much I want him, and basically, make him feel my love.

But I don’t trust him.

Because of the whole Danny situation I feel all shades of weird. When I hug him I want to let go a lot sooner than I want. When I kiss him I want it to stop. And  none of these feelings come from me being disgusted or repulsed by him, actually it’s the opposite. I feel so strongly for him that I’m scared if I hug too long or kiss too much I’m going to fall even deeper for him and just get hurt. I want to run away. I want to never speak to him again and just disappear. But at the same time I want him. I want to be with him for the long haul.

He says that he has picked me and he wants to be with me, but despite everything he still hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t made the move to make me officially his. He claims to be mine, that a title doesn’t make a difference, but for some reason to me it does.

Danny stopped talking to him after he found out about me. He discovered some photos and poems I gave to Aidon for his birthday and then showed them to him in some big dramatic reveal. He tried to get Aidon to get rid of me and Aidon said no. So in the end Danny let go. Aidon calls that making the choice to choose me, but it really wasn’t. He didn’t choose me, het got left with me like I was the last option. If Danny didn’t find out about me would I still have been the one Aidon would have picked?  Or would I still be in a competition for his attention without even knowing it.

Now Aidon is torn. He tells me he is certain of his feelings for me and nothing has changed, but you can tell there is still something weird in regards with Danny. And the worst part is, when I bring it up, he says he doesn’t know if it’s guilt or the fact that there actually might be something more for Danny. I know it’s guilt, I mean if he wanted to be with him he could have. Danny is the easier choice. He actually lives in the same country as Aidon. Why now is he confused?

So here I am, on the other side of the world, still feeling like the one who wasn’t picked. I don’t feel special. I don’t feel that wanted, and most of all I’m losing the words to say how I feel. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I feel exhausted.

I’m trying to follow my heart. By now it would have told me to walk away. My intuition would have told me to run, but it hasn’t. Not yet. So here I am still fighting. Still hoping that maybe this could be it. That Aidon could be the one. But I’m getting tired of trying, and I deserve someone who will fight for me as much as I would him.

He says he can’t do distance. So I say I’ll close the gap. That I would move and make a life here in Australia. He says he would feel too guilty. And now I just feel like I can’t win. And if he can’t compromise, why try? He hasn’t made a choice about anything, and I sometimes think I should make it for him by walking away. If losing Danny in his life makes him question things I wonder what would happen if I was gone too.

 

 

Walking Blind

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After a month and a half of being separated, I finally got the chance to be with Aidon in person again. Leading up to this moment we spent countless hours on the phone, texts and snaps were the norm, and the usual tag in a relatable meme was part of our routine. It was all leading up to him coming to visit California again on September 8th.

I was nervous as hell to see him. Were all the same feelings going to be there? Was he finally going to ask me to be his boyfriend? Were we actually falling in love or did I invent the whole thing in my head/heart?

He was coming back to work for 2 weeks and then he carved out 5 extra days where it was just him and I together with no distractions. And although I was going to practically see him everyday he was here, I was most looking forward to those 5 days. Those were going to be “our” days and I couldn’t wait to soak up every experience with him.

I arrived to the airport late, not an unusual coincidence for someone as careless as me, and when I saw him my heart stopped. I was so excited, and so overwhelmed, and he rushed to embrace me giving me a kiss that felt like the movies. I couldn’t stop kissing him after that, and I knew in that moment, all my feelings leading up to this were true. And suddenly I got very scared, because I knew I was going to fall deeper.

After countless hours in traffic on the way back to my apartment, we made our way to the bedroom. I couldn’t wait to just lay down with him, hold him close, and feel the warmth of his body against mine.

As the week progressed we spent all our time together. I would go to work, and then spend the remaining of my day with him. We would eat, watch movies, and just enjoy each others company. But I was so full of anxiety and I couldn’t figure out why. i didn’t know if my intuition was trying to tell me something or that I was just overthinking and on the verge of self sabotage.

He never got on his phone during dinner or private moments, but in the downtime like car rides and laying by the beach, he would pick it up and shoot a text. I tried to ignore it, but I felt so jealous about something and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Aidon has this friend, back home, named Danny. All I knew of Danny was that he and Aidon were talking before he met me here in California. I didn’t know how serious they were, and at the time, I didn’t care. Aidon and I had just met, so who was I to feel any form of jealousy about his personal life back home? But somehow Danny remained in the picture after I came to be, and Aidon reassured me that they were just friends. So naturally I believed him. I mean, how can you establish a relationship without trust?

The more time I spent with Aidon the more a part of myself felt like he wasn’t fully mine. Something just seemed off, and after a romantic night together at dinner, I walked out of the restaurant to see Aidon on the phone. When I asked who it was he said it was Danny just calling to say goodnight. Wait, what? That to me was weird. Friends don’t just call to say goodnight. So I told Aidon, “Hey I think he likes you more than a friend.” Aidon obviously ignored it and denied Danny’s feelings, but I knew there was more to it.

Through the course of the trip I started to notice that Danny was watching all of my instagram stories, which just proved my point to Aidon that Danny liked him. When I finally told him, he said to me that he knew and asked him to stop. I reassured Aidon he wouldn’t stop, and as a way to prove my point, I posted a story of a beer with the caption that read, “Because I know you’re watching.” I followed that one up with a picture of Aidon with a caption that read, “Because part 2.”

Looking back, it was kind of a bitchy thing to do, but someone was trying to steal my man and I wasn’t just going to stand by and let it happen. No one fucks with America.

After about 30 minutes I checked to see if he saw, which he did, and immediately he was texting Aidon about how it hurt his feelings and that I wasn’t a good guy. Yet, Aidon was aware of what I just did. I couldn’t fucking figure out why Danny felt like he had some claim to Aidon. Why he thought he had the right to feel everything he was feeling towards him. Didn’t Aidon make it clear that he and I were a thing? Things just didn’t seem to add up to me, and after one drunken night together, I snooped through Aidon’s phone.

I wish I didn’t.

There I found texts between him and Danny which proved they were a lot closer than he led me to believe. There was a picture of Danny with a hickey, which Aidon told me later he gave him because of a game called Piccolo. There were texts about Danny saying he’s going to miss cuddling every night, which Aidon justified by saying that Danny was dramatic and that he cuddles with all his friends. Everything I asked, he had an answer to, and after awhile I didn’t want to think about it anymore. Aidon wasn’t officially my boyfriend, so did I have any right to be upset. Who was the other woman, me or Danny? And the crazy thing is, Aidon doesn’t treat me like he treated Danny. There conversations were so empty, short (On Aid’s end), and you could see how Danny tip toed around Aidon’s emotions. My conversations with Aidon are deep, I make him talk about emotion, and we talked often and about a future. I could tell, just by the few times I even heard him on the phone with Danny, that he was into me more than him. But why did he still keep him around? I asked if they were ever sexual and he told me no.

I didn’t believe that.

After I found those texts I couldn’t really focus. I was angry, sad, and I just didn’t know what to do. I wanted to believe Aidon, and call me foolish, but I didn’t tell him to go. I didn’t kick him out. I held on, because I knew what we had was love. I just also knew he still needed the time to figure it all out. Plus he wasn’t actually my boyfriend, and in the grand scheme of things, we only spent a week together before this and built an entire relationship on distance.

I probably sound so dumb building a fort of excuses for him. In reality he was leading both Danny and I on, but still I don’t know the extent of how much. I just know the way I feel for him, and so far it’s making me crazy and stupid. Is Aidon a good guy? Are there any good guys? Or am I just a fool who wants love so bad he can’t even see the dangers in front of his own eyes?

What is Distance?

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Ever since Aidon left back to Australia we have talked every day. At first, it was probably a text or two a day. Maybe just a Snapchat. But as time progressed, the conversations got longer and pretty soon it became phone calls and facetime. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t wanted to talk to him.

He says all the right things. He makes my heart skip beats, and the way I feel for him is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Maybe it’s because I finally found someone just as crazy. He gets jealous if a boy flirts with me, he is afraid to express too much emotion in case he scares me away, and he is a romantic without labeling himself as one. I could make a book with all the corny one-liners we tell each other, and although he thinks they are probably meaningless, they mean so much to me. My heart melts each time he calls me babe or lets it slip how much he misses me, or when he makes comments about a future together. Maybe he doesn’t notice, but I am always listening. I think because of distance, I have to listen more. I can’t rely on physical cues to understand his mood, so communication between us is crucial.

As much as he makes me feel reassured, I also feel crazy insecure with him. I’m scared somehow he will be taken away from me. I’m scared I will feel too much, say the wrong thing, or maybe he will just lose interest. The last guy I “dated” would tell me how much he liked me, and then within 24 hours, he completely dropped me and ran off with some other dude. I was blindsided and crushed, and I’m not saying Aidon is like that, but It makes me somewhat guarded. Not sure why, but I haven’t really had a successful long-term relationship. Maybe I am doing something wrong, but with each one, I learn a little more and get stronger. I’m still learning to be confident and secure. I tend to lose those traits when I fall in love because all of a sudden I care and when I care I feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

Aidon is coming in September and I am super excited, but I am also nervous. Since he’s left we have an unspoken agreement between us that we are not talking to other people. I am on no other dating apps, I turn guys down when they try and ask me out, and no part of me is even looking anymore. I am so content and happy with Aidon that I don’t even want the thought of someone else. I can’t explain it, but a part of me thinks he might be the one. Which is so scary for me to write, let alone, think about. Because if I’m wrong, I would feel so stupid. But if I’m right, man what an incredible love story we would have to share. Instagram, to LA, to Australia, to love. I don’t want to ruin anything by thinking too much about it, but I can’t help but let my mind and heart wander. So far they haven’t come back.

September will be a huge deciding factor in our relationship. Will the same attraction still be there, will we get along, or will we fizzle out and realize this maybe isn’t for us? But it could also have a huge positive effect, one I should be focusing on the most. We could grow closer as a couple, fall in love, and even make a commitment that will change the course of our lives. I’m not talking about marriage, but if we agree to keep this relationship up, there will be constant flying between both countries.

I’ve always wanted a wild romance. One that defied the odds and beat out the naysayers against romance. I never wanted to force one, I don’t think it’s possible. But this came when I least expected it, and I just hope and pray that it stays for the long run.

Los Angeles Love Story

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Aidon is handsome, a teacher, blonde, has green eyes, Australian (hot accent), and can be found anywhere around the world on an adventure. And although it sounds like I’m describing someone from a romance novel, Aidon is as real as you and me. I thought we all have that type in our head that we will never truly find, but there he was on my phone screen waiting for me to send that first message on Tinder.

Aidon currently lives in Australia where he works as a part-time traveler and a full-time tutor to a family that has more money than I could ever dream of. Every 3 months Adion travels with them to Beverly Hills for a week to teach the kids. After some casual conversation, I found out he was on his way to LA. This gave me exactly one week to know my dream man.

After arriving in town, he and I exchanged a few texts about our Saturday night plans. I knew I would find him somewhere in West Hollywood, so I wore my sexiest of outfits. A string pink tank top that said “West Coast” with some torn up black skinny jeans. I chugged 4 shots of Vodka before I went out and I was feeling pretty confident. A few bars into the night, I finally stumbled into The Abbey. There, standing across the dance floor, was Aidon drinking a Corona.

He was just as handsome in person and after a brief hello, we found our way to a little corner table. The rest of the night slipped away in our conversation. We spent the night together and I assumed that would have been it for us. One night stands are the norm in LA so my expectations for more were low. Usually, you meet someone interesting and then the next day they’re off with someone else. Most people have the attention span of a goldfish. Everyone wants new, and in gay culture, relationships usually aren’t the trend.

But after that night Aidon and I spent the next few days together with me as a tour guide. I showed him my own personal LA. I took him to MidiCi, my favorite pizza place in the valley. We went climbing at Hollywood Boulders so I could strut my athletic adventure side, and we kissed in between shops at the Grove.

Aidon also served as a guide showing me new things in my own town.

He took me to sweetgreen on 3rd, introducing me to the world of Kale. He helped me discover my new obsession that is Rite Aid birthday cake ice cream. And finally, he treated me to dinner at Cleo in Hollywood because he felt I deserved a “proper” date.

After that first night in West Hollywood, he and I slipped into a rhythm. Every night was spent in his arms and each morning I begrudgingly left them just to return. The hours between day and night became too much of a distance between us. All the while ignoring the fact about the real distance between Los Angeles and Australia.

One night while strolling through Beverly Hills eating ice cream, Aidon opened up about his desires in a relationship.

“I want the type of love where you miss the person the second they leave the room. Where they are your best friend. I see that in my sisters and their husbands.”

Immediately my heart stopped. That was exactly the type of love I’ve dreamed of having but have yet to find.

“That’s exactly how my parents are,” I replied. “They’ve been married for 35 years and my dad will call my mom the second he leaves home.”

After that, we walked in silence. I don’t know what he was thinking, but I knew I wanted more than this week was going to be able to offer us.

The following days flew past, and soon the week ended and It was our last night together. I had to tell him how I felt.

I wanted to be dramatic and say something romantic like, “I love you!” but I knew what we had wasn’t love. It was possibly just the start of it. We didn’t have enough time together to justify me asking him to be mine from halfway across the world. But I was going to miss the good morning kisses, the secret public hand-holding, and most of all, Aidon. I didn’t want to let go because for once I found someone who finally understood my version of love.

“I want you,” were the words that came out of my mouth as we sat kissing in my red Prius. “I don’t know what that means, but I want you.”

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes.

“I want you too. I come back to LA in September.”

“Maybe we are just meant to be a week-long romance?” I asked.

“We are so much more than that.”

And then we let the silence speak for us. Was that a promise of some sort of future? Did he want us as much as I did?

We gave one final kiss goodbye and then he was off, making the distance between us even more of a reality. I didn’t know whether to cry or smile. Aidon just proved to me there is love in LA. Even if only for a week.

Relationship, Smationship

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It’s probably because of where I’ve been looking, but finding a committed relationship in gay LA is impossible. When I meet a gay couple I sometimes just wonder, “How did you make it work?” I fantasize over love, and even on occasion, have browsed through tumblr for photos of gay couples. Wow, that last sentence makes me sound incredibly pathetic, but I am a romantic and can’t help it. I don’t think gay’s are incapable of holding a relationship, but I do feel a majority of them don’t want to. Gay culture, from what I have been witnessing, is all about the moment.

I used to fantasize about moments, but my “moments” weren’t this. They were brief romantic adventures with a first love, a weekend spent with a boy you fell in love with in D.C., or a cancelled flight in Nashville to just follow your heart and get to know that boy you met in a Southern thunderstorm. THOSE are the moments I crave. The ones that are tied together with romance and counted in heartbeats. Yet the “moments” people experience here in LA are one night stands, a hook up, a one and done. I’m not saying hook ups are bad or wrong, I just desire more than that.

I want to sleep with someone who wants to be there the next morning.

For awhile I have tried to play by the rules of the city, and all it’s done is left me feeling emptier than before with a side of scabies and anxiety for dessert. And the more I try to meet a decent guy, the more depressed I get about the whole way dating is done in the gay world.

See most guys I encounter are either dating someone, hung up on someone, or so desensitized to romance I don’t even think they know what a date is. And a common trend I keep finding is that a majority of guys are in an open relationship. What the fuck is the point of a relationship if you still just want to go around and fuck other people?

I tried to ask a friend why he had that kind of set up with his boyfriend, and all I got was that there were certain things his boyfriend couldn’t give him that maybe others could. But I had always learned that NO ONE will ever check off every box you desire, and love comes with sacrifice and hard work. The idea to have it all is enticing, but also keeping someone while still seeking others is selfish and ultimately unrealistic. When you open up yourself to others in a way like that, you’re leaving the door open for so much to destroy the relationship you have.

For example, the more you give yourself to someone sexually, there is no way for feelings to not develop. Maybe you yourself won’t get them, but I promise over time someone is going to get hurt. Someone’s heart is going to change.

You are also opening yourself up to the possibility of STD’s and other things that can alter the course of your relationship. Say you slept with someone with HIV or Herpes and had no idea, and then you sleep with your boyfriend. You just put your boyfriend at risk for something that would NEVER have occurred if you stuck with monogamy. I mean to each his own, but I would never want to put myself or anyone else I care about at risk like that. That is so selfish.

A man I recently met has been in a committed relationship for 4 years, and when he met me, immediately started flirting. I flirted back, but after some consideration, changed my mind. I wouldn’t want someone flirting with my boyfriend, nor would I want my boyfriend flirting with someone else. So when I rejected his offer of a hook up he in turn got mad at me. Saying I had no right to justify my answer of a “no” based off of HIS relationship with his boyfriend. He accused me of being a wishy washy LA type, and to be honest, a part of me was offended. Even when I felt like I was doing the right thing, I was still being lumped with those who don’t. Sorry I was being considerate and looking out for someone besides myself, I feel like that was the most NOT LA thing I could do.

The effect of the gay community has even invaded my family life. I love that I am open to my family, it makes it so much easier on me to be able to express my true self and feelings, but it also adds so much stress on my mom.

And I sometimes think lying about it would have been the easier thing to do.

My mom worries about the promiscuity of the gay community. She worries that when I’m out I am kissing multiple people, sleeping around, and collecting STD’s like Pokemon. She is so scared that I won’t find a quality match, and that all that exists out there is sex.

But maybe she’s not that far off.

All the gay community has ever really portrayed to me is the freedom of expression. Yes we fought for the right to be ourselves, but I feel like we have taken it too far by allowing our bodies to just be used however we want. Yes, we have the right to do whatever the hell we want with them. Everyone has that right, but we have been a community that is just known for it’s promiscuity and we justify it by just saying, “well we’re gay.” That’s an image we give out, so naturally my mom is worried about it.

I don’t think that’s who I am. I’ve had my moments of freedom, sure who hasn’t, but I don’t look at myself as a promiscuous person. But maybe that’s me justifying it by always telling myself, “I could be a lot worse.”

I guess my problem is, I’m a romantic, and the more I hear about open relationships and try to submerge myself in this community I just end up feeling let down. I want the kiss in the rain, the surprise arrival in the airport, or the boombox outside my window. Maybe what I want is unrealistic, and even more unrealistic for the gay community. I wouldn’t be surprised if my standards were too high, that seems to be a recurring theme for my life.

In all I feel like I don’t fit in in my community, I think I want more than it’s proven it has to offer.

But love has to be out there, and I am a wanderer who will keep looking.

Deleted and Unfollowed

 

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I try not to worry about social media, but as an actor, I feel like it’s ingrained in me that it should matter. I mean, when I go out on auditions now they want to know whether or not we are social media famous. How does one even become social media famous? Sometimes I think fame would be great! But having my every move watched and criticized would be annoying. I will say and do whatever I want, and I think I wouldn’t give two shits about my image. Which could get me in a lot of trouble.

But this post isn’t about trying to get social media famous. It’s about trying to get over social media.

If you’re like me, you probably like to stalk your exe’s social media every once in awhile. You want to know what they’ve been up to, if they’re dating, and if their life is absolutely miserable without you. I mean, that’s at least what I do.

My ex Shay and I have been broken up since January of this year. Besides Corbit and Nashville, I haven’t really had any form of a relationship with anyone since then. I’m not opposed to it, but I just haven’t found the right guy yet. And I don’t necessarily mean Mr. Right, more so, I haven’t even found Mr. Right Now.

I don’t miss Shay. I know he’s happily in a relationship with someone else and they actually make a very cute couple. Yet despite my lack of feelings, I still like to check his instagram every so often. I look for new pictures of him, I check to see what he’s been up to, and I look at the old photos of us that still linger leaving people asking, “who is he?”

I used to mean so much, and now it’s weird to watch our love from afar while I question if it was even real. Our time together was so short, but somehow, it felt like years. Maybe that’s what love does, it throws away time so we can think every moment spent together is one never ending second of bliss.

But this time when I went to slip back into that pool of memories, the photos of us were no longer there. They were terminated like our relationship, and taken away from me yet again when I least expected it.

That seemed to be his skill.

I wasn’t sad, I felt taken aback. I almost felt like our relationship no longer existed. Was it some made up thing in my head? Time had started to erase what I once held so dear and that is what scares me the most about time and distance. We learn to forget.

I would always find it strange that he never had photos of his new boyfriend and still kept the old ones of me up. But now there is no more me, and still no boyfriend. But it’s like he was clearing space for him to finally make his appearance. Again, so strange seeing how much someone once cared, and how it just disappears. But that’s life, people change and life doesn’t stop for anybody. You just keep going.

Since I’ve returned from Nashville, I don’t think I’ve emotionally processed my trip. I came home, two days later met Daniel, and focused on our two week stand as a pacifier to deal with Corbit. I don’t think I really wanted to think about Nashville or him. I just wanted to let go, move one, and hope I could find love with someone else. Someone, better.

As I was bored in the car on the way home from a 12 hour work day, I opened up an app made for cleaning up your Instagram account. It shows you who you follow, who doesn’t follow you that you follow, and it allows you to delete multiple photos off your account. I used this app to clean up my Instagram and gear it towards myself as an actor. But when I was scrolling through the app tonight, I saw that Corbit was no longer following me.

And that’s when it hit me. In that moment, no matter how silly it’s delivery, I finally felt the gravity of my situation with him. I felt angry, sad, and most of all, defeated. I don’t know why he would have unfollowed me. We were still cordial, I hardly ever posted, and I thought we still had a special connection. Yet how stupid is it for me to think that connection is gone because he’s not following me on social media? But something about it hurt, and it made me feel like a part of him no longer cared to know what was happening in my life. He no longer cared to know or see what I wanted to share about my life. And if life has taught me anything, I simply had to learn to be okay even if I felt not okay.

Now I’ve slowly started to process the relationship. I’m slowly allowing myself to think about it and just simply feel. I know one day it will get better. That one day I will wake up and I can go through my day without thinking of him. One day he won’t matter to me, but that day has not yet come.

It hurts knowing I traveled across the country to tell him I loved him to just return home without him. Actually, I traveled across the country to show him how much I felt for him. He was a man of action, and no matter how many times I said I cared, he wouldn’t have believed me until I was on his doorstep. I did absolutely everything I could to make him feel my love, but I couldn’t actually force him to feel it. I couldn’t make him accept it, nor should I have to convince someone to do that. In the end, he chose to let me go. He chose to pursue someone else who he felt was a better match. And now I’m left here to cope with that and move on. But I don’t think I can keep burying what I feel.

I shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want me. No one should ever long for someone who doesn’t want them. It’s pointless to hold onto a hope that someone will one day love you, but I do think it’s okay to hold on for a little bit. It’s okay to give yourself some time to mope, be sad, and just feel.

And right now, I need that time. Because a huge part of myself still cares, and I need to learn not to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Destiny is a bitch

broken-heart

Everyone warned me. They told me I was crazy to fly across the country to tell someone I loved them when he already told me that he met someone and was in a relationship. But I believed he and I had something that could defy distance and beat the odds. We started like a movie romance, why couldn’t it end like one too? But as I sit on a plane headed back to LA days before I was originally supposed to come home, I can’t help but think maybe they were right. Maybe I was a bit crazy.

Things with Corbit were going well until Fate/God/ The Universe/ Whatever the fuck you want to call it, stepped in. After our night spent cuddling, I had my hopes up that we were on the track to reconnecting our heartstrings and getting this love train back on track.

We spent the day driving through the city and exploring the farmland around Nashville. We were just looking for some places to write and we found some nice spots that I have to realize we will never go back to. As we sat in the car blasting music I just listened. Listened to him sing, listened to my heart scream how much I wanted to kiss him, and listened to the air as it kept asking me what I was doing there. 

I felt emotionally exhausted, and I could tell that this trip was taking a toll on us. We didn’t know what to say anymore, but we both felt there was still more to say. It was almost as if we were waiting for the right words to make it all go away. But we never did find them.

That night, Corbit asked me if I could drive him to the airport so he could drop off some clothes to his music producers client and meet up with him for a quick chat about music. I drove and dropped him off and then headed back to his house while I just chatted with my best friend until he came home. When he got home something was a bit off, and I knew right away it had something to do with Wesley. As I stood in the kitchen watching him snack on Coconut slices he opened up about the fact that he ran into Wesley at the airport who was there to pick up his sister and how excited he was to see him. It was like a knife in my side. He told me Wesley asked to come hangout with him, but Corbette told him it wouldn’t be a good idea with me there. I felt a whole mix of emotions. I was sad, angry, and a bit frazzled. I told him that he should invite him over and I would just go in the other room, but I was full of shit. I did NOT want that kid to come over, and I would have been crying in the other room if he did come over. Corbette said he felt extremely guilty that he was denying his new boyfriend time because of me and I felt awful because I should have been able to just be a friend. But I couldn’t, and I can’t be that right now. I wanted to be the reason he was so happy but in that moment, I was the one thing holding him back from that happiness. 

After all this, I knew it was time for me to go. I came there to tell Corbit how much I liked him and how I wanted to be with him, but I had spent the last 3 days trying to do that and nothing was changing. He wanted Wesley, and no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to stop that. So I booked a flight home for the next day. I wanted him to stop me, beg me to stay, but he didn’t. Instead he made a comment that struck me hard. He said, “I feel like you’re losing yourself the longer you stay here.” And he was right. This was not me. I am not some guy who pines over someone who doesn’t want him and makes a fool of himself. But I am someone who will do anything for love, and no one can ever say I didn’t try. 

The next day we spent together enjoying what time we had left. He held my hand in the car, which was strange because it meant more to me than him, and we drove to my favorite places. We went and got the world’s best donuts, had sushi together, and then spent our remaining hour sitting by the water in a park. While we sat there he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He then takes out this bracelet and hands it to me. It was a memento from his first love, and he wanted me to have it because it is a representation of that crazy love I always wanted. This was his way of him showing me how much he cared and felt for me, and it may sound crazy, but I understood it. I have a memento from my first love, and giving that up would be so painful on me. He then gave me a box he got for me from Cuba that had the inscription “A life without life doesn’t count.” And then we just sat there and basked in what time and love was left. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what to feel.  I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t go on like that. I was so tired from feeling I just wanted a break. I needed to get away and go home. I wanted my friends, and I wanted to surround myself with those I loved. 

He drove me to the airport and the reality of it all started hitting me, I was leaving and this was it. I lost. He got out of the car and hugged me, and as quick as lighting, gave me a kiss on my lips. I didn’t see it coming, and he pulled away before I even had a chance to kiss back. It wasn’t fair, but when is love or life ever really fair to us? As I walked toward the sliding glass doors I did a turn around and watched his car drive off. A part of me hopes he turned around too, but I will never know. 

I am still processing. I went from being okay to anger, and now I can’t settle on an emotion to feel. I feel loved by him, but I also feel extremely played. He should have stopped my emotions sooner, but he was also honest about having met someone. I just didn’t choose to listen and I thought I could beat the odds. My birthday is in two weeks and I have this fantasy he will show up and tell me he made a mistake. That I am the one he wants and that he will do anything to make us work. But if I don’t let this hope go I am in for a world of disappointment. My good friend told me that I give me heart too easily and I need to be guarded. I asked how I do that, and he responded, “assume everything is going to end and nothing is going to last.” I can’t help but have hope, yet maybe he is right. I need to look at everything just as a moment and be happy with what I get. I just can’t help but think Corbit and I have a few more moments to live.

So dear future husband, you’re a very lucky man. If I flew across the country knowing I stood a minimum percent chance of winning his heart, you bet I would travel the globe for you. I will do anything for love, but I need to be careful who I give it to. I am tired of wasting my love on other people when I should be saving the best of it for you. 

Knotted

knots

My stomach is still tied up in knots. I have been in Nashville for over 24 hours and it already feels like a roller coaster ride. It’s not bad, surprisingly it’s going a lot better than I imagined, but it still has its moments.

I have always imagined the moment I flew into Nashville. I would walk down the stairs to the baggage claim and Corbit would be standing there with flowers. I would then drop my bag and run to him as he picks me up, spins me around, and slowly lowers me as we kiss. It would feel like we were the only people in the entire world and I wouldn’t care who was watching. They would have been so lucky to see something like that. Unfortunately, that is not how it happened.

I walked down the stairs and there was no Corbit standing there. There were no flowers, no hugs, and no kisses. I didn’t think there would be, but that didn’t mean a small part of me didn’t hope that something like that could actually happen to me. I romanticize too much, but I think one day something like that could come true.

I found him pulling up outside. My stomach was churning and my heart was beating faster than hummingbird wings. I didn’t know if I was scared, happy, or I just simply wanted to shit my pants. Maybe all 3? He got out of the car and gave me a hug. I didn’t want to let go. I hadn’t physically seen him in months and I just wanted to hold onto that moment. But I let him go because I didn’t want to hang on too much, and hopped in the car. I thought we would sit in silence, but conversations flowed easily, it was like he already was able to categorize me as a friend and it made me uncomfortable. How could he have let go of everything like that and so easily? I tried not to think about it, and I definetly tried not to think about his new boy Wesley. I still can’t think about them together without wanting to throw up.

The day we spent together was pretty calm, relaxed, and fun. We went shopping together at Whole Foods, exercised at the gym, and then came home and cooked up some grass fed beef. Apparently, if they eat grass it’s better meat, but hell it’s all the same to me. But the whole time I couldn’t read him. I felt like there was still a pull between us but how was I to know? Clearly I’m love challenged and not very good at making it work so it was very plausible I could read the entire situation wrong.

That night when we went to bed we shared his bed. And right before we were about to go to sleep he picked up his phone to text Wesley goodnight. That killed me. Here I was in his bed and still he was wishing someone else goodnight. I couldn’t get angry, I knew what I was getting myself into, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt. And man, did it hurt. Every time he picks up his phone, although not often, I hurt knowing there is some other boy on the other line.

That night, before we went to sleep, I told him what I was feeling. I confessed about the unease I felt with Wesley and how much it hurt knowing that he was in the picture. I felt so blind sided. I told Corbit that I’m scared the connection we have he will soon have with him and I will have lost everything. He told me that he would never give away to someone else the parts he has given to me, but I know how love works, and love makes you grow close to people. I’m not saying he loves him, but one day he could. And then the vulnerability he has with me, he will definetly share with him.

There was one moment though, that threw me off. He told me that he felt one day he and I would be together, but it’s just not now. That was so sweet to hear, but also so unfair. Why tell me that and not act on it? If he wanted to be with me, he could. I would be his if he asked, but I refuse to play second to someone else. I told him why waste our time if we know we are what we want, but I don’t think he really had answer for that.

It was hard going to sleep that night. I wanted to hug him. How do you share a bed with someone you feel so strongly for and not hold them? But I refrained, if he wanted to make a move he could, but I would not be the one doing it. It would look bad on my part, and I told him I respect whatever relationship he and Wesley have.

The next day, I let everything settle. I had to be okay with him moving on, no matter how much it hurt me. I had two options, I could either slink away in anger and stop talking to him or I could just accept it as it is and keep him in my life. If I truly cared about him, I would put his needs first, and I am. I am not shutting him out. I can face the pain, and diamonds are formed in the fire.

We spent this next day writing more music and going to a park. There are fireflies in Nashville, but they only come out in summer and unfortunately it’s fall. I love fireflies, and I think they’re some of the most beautiful bugs god created. Just think, they produce light for a split second lighting up the night sky. How awesome is that? As we were walking back to the car, I saw it. A quick glow in the woods that flashed for a second and then faded back to black. It was a single firefly, out in the world when all the other fireflies were not. Corbit turned to me and said that the world was giving that firefly to me. And it felt special. I told him I wish there were more, but I caught myself and added, but I am so thankful I just even got to see one. And that is when it hit me. That is how I was feeling for Corbit. It wasn’t how I wanted, but I was getting time with him, and I was thankful for that. You don’t need the whole thing to see the beauty in it.

That night we came home and watched My Best Friends Wedding, which is my all time favorite Rom Com. He had never seen it before, and for those who haven’t it’s about a girl in love with her best friend and trying to win back the romance they once had before he gets married. Sound familiar? Oh the irony of life. After the film I told him that I would support him in whoever he chose to be with. He just stared at me, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel it in the way he looked at me.

We went downstairs and played some music. He sang to me my favorite of his covers and I could feel the tears build up. I wanted to listen to this music everyday of my life. I showed him the drawing I made of him and also the necklace I made of the guitar pick he gave me from that first night we met. He seemed dumbfounded and told me he was in shock that someone could actually feel that way about him. He is so guarded, but also so clueless of all the love I know he has inside. I see it when he talks to strangers. He genuinely cares about their lives, and maybe he doesn’t even notice it. But that, that is a form of love that not even I have.

At one point during the night I just wanted to be close to him, so I laid my hand on his shoulder. He asked what I was doing and I told him I just felt like I needed to be close to him. He agreed and I proceeded to ask if I could hold his hand. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “can I lay down with you? Is that alright?” I was dumbfounded. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms. We fell asleep on the sofa tied together in a knot of limbs waking up at 3 am.

We headed to his bed and I was scared that the cuddle session was over. I saw his phone sitting on his bedside table and I just imagined him picking it, texting Wesley, and turning away from me to go to sleep. But he brushed his teeth, slid into bed, and scooped me up with my head on his chest. We slept the entire night like that, switching between positions but never letting go. I would test it too, and loosen my self away, but he would always pull me back. It was so nice being close to him like that, and the best part was I didn’t force it, he came to me.

But I’m scared. What if when I go to bed tonight there is no cuddles, there is no more closeness, and all I feel is a pillow between us. Will I be okay? His feelings come in and out, I just ask that they stay. A small part of me does want him to see the effort I’m putting in and to choose me. To pursue me and make us work. But he says it still hasn’t hit him yet that I’m here, and I hope when it does, the love follows along with it.

To Be Continued…