What To Do?

 

I say this city is home, but truthfully, I didn’t grow up inside Los Angeles. I grew up about 45 minutes away (without traffic) in what I call the last town in the county. So technically still LA, but not so much the dirt, grime, and desperation that slides through the streets of Hollywood. And oddly enough, this city doesn’t feel very much like home. But neither does home either.

I decided to stay in Los Angeles because it always seemed the place to be. It’s where my dreams of acting made the most sense, it’s where my family is, and nothing in the world could beat the weather. It’s a paradise people dream of, but why do I find myself dreaming of something else?

I long for a life a lot different than this. I envision small towns with a lot of history near the ocean and forests of green. I want to live in a place where there is a fire in a fireplace, snow, summer, and all the colors of autumn. I want a yard and a favorite bookshop down the cobblestoned streets with coffee and tea that will remind me of a childhood I never had. I want simplicity in such a sad and complicated world.

Yet on the flip side, I want to do and be amazing things. I want to create something that changes the world. I want to be a force of nature they would name a hurricane after. I want to be admired and loved, and I want to feel accomplished. I want to be wealthy, not for vanity’s sake, but so I never have to worry about it. I want a life that doesn’t concern itself with survival, but instead, focuses on living. Truthfully. Boldy. And with a ton of love. I want so much more than what I currently have I just don’t know how to get it.

I have so many passions, too many if you ask me. But they’re all there burning inside me like a flame consuming a library. I want to be a poet. An actor. A writer. A leader. An archaeologist. A husband. A traveler. An explorer. I tell my boyfriend that maybe these are all my past lives showing themselves to me in glimpses of inspiration. Today my passions tell me to write. Tomorrow they will tell me to read. Some days they tell me to sing. I feel like I am good at many things but not excellent in a single one. What use is a compass if no one uses it to go in a direction? And that’s what I want. A direction.  A sign to say what I should do in THIS lifetime. I’m afraid to settle, but I can’t yet decide what is the most important thing for me to fight for.

I just recently turned 28, and I feel as if I am running out of time to accomplish something. I look at other people my age and they seem to have it all figured out. I never thought I would be approaching thirty but still feel as lost as I was when I graduated high school. What I am learning, however, is that the older I seem to get the less I become excited about things. And if I feel this way now, imagine how I will feel at 50?

But I don’t want to be glum and say things are bad, because, they aren’t. Last year I self-published a book that was featured in various outlets including The LA Times, I have a boyfriend who is the epitome of what love should be, and I have my friends and family supporting and believing in me. I just feel disappointed I’m not where I thought I would be, but honestly, are we ever?

 

Love Thyself

I haven’t written a post in a while, and I think it has a lot to do with this whole self-discovery kick I’ve been on. I created this blog to talk about dating. My struggles to find a genuine man. My mishaps and adventures in romance. I created this platform because dating WAS my focus. My dream. My goal. I think finding true love was my mission, but now, it isn’t. I am not focused on finding love in anyone but myself, and I think that is why all of sudden this blog has gone unexpectedly quiet.

There are other reasons as well. Unfortunately, about a month ago my grandma passed away and I don’t believe a part of myself has registered that. I still think come holidays we will spend it with her like we’ve done every year of my life. I can’t imagine a Thanksgiving or Christmas without her love and sass.

But also, I just simply haven’t been going on any dates. Ever since my Australia mishap I’ve only kinda pursued one person who just ended up becoming a fuck buddy and nothing more.

I got a new job, which is awesome and fun and puts more money in my bank account than I have seen in a while. So now I spend a majority of my time working on publishing my first poetry book and working at my new restaurant. I hardly ever go out and drink because I am so exhausted at the end of my work days. I know I am probably making myself sound super boring, but I promise you going through a phase like this is so beneficial. I get to step back and see what I want and who I am, and currently, I have reevaluated what my new dream might be. Because if it’s not finding love, what is it?

Don’t get me wrong, I am still dating, but only when I want to. I’m not rearranging previous plans, deterring from my routine, or making huge sacrifices for people who haven’t earned that type of respect yet. I used to give my time to others so freely and stealing it from myself but I am no longer doing that. And you know what I have found? It makes men angry.

I have been verbally attacked TWICE within the past week for turning down dates or not changing my plans to accommodate someone when they wanted me to. I’m not in a place in my life anymore where I just drop everything at the chance of love or romance. I used to. I would ditch friends, rearrange my schedule, and even cancel previous plans just to make a date work. I would sacrifice myself before people even deserved it, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.

I went out with this guy named Nick and we hit it off well. He was cute, easy to talk to, and we ended up getting breakfast at midnight. And although I had fun, I was in no rush to see him again. I didn’t feel inclined to rearrange any of my set week plans to make a second date. Maybe some of you could say it’s because I didn’t like him, but am I supposed to know that after a couple hours of hanging out?

The next day I spent the 4th of July on the beach with my friends. Some of them brought potential love interests and others were pining and waiting for someone to magically show up, but for the first time, I was content being single on a holiday. I didn’t need anyone there because I was just so happy to be with my friends. Nick, however, text me asking to hang out and when I declined, he began to get needy and aggressive saying I must just not be that interested.

1. We had just met yesterday
2. I didn’t owe him anything
3. I wasn’t going to change my plans or invite a stranger to join my friends

As the week progressed he got more upset when I didn’t rush the second date and then basically went on this rant about how if I was interested I would text back more frequently blah blah blah.

Why do people just assume you will drop everything for them when they barely know you and you barely know them?

Another guy named Alexander, whom I’ve never met with but talked via Instagram and texting, went off on me when I told him I was busy the day he asked me to lunch. He went on this tangent about how he’s well traveled, not poor, and blah blah blah. Why in the hell did he think that mattered to me? Of course, those are good traits to be culturally conscious and have finances in order, but if you aren’t humble or respectful why would I want you?

When I told him I wasn’t the type of person to just drop what I already have planned for someone else because THEY are available he called me arrogant, rude, and misleading. I have NEVER even met this guy and he was already making assumptions about my personality because I respectfully told him I was spending time with my family. I just don’t understand why people feel so entitled to things they haven’t earned. Maybe we now live in a society where people expect to get whatever they want. Is that the American Dream?

I’m not opposed to dating. I won’t run from love if it found me. But truth be told, I don’t want it to. I don’t want love right now because I don’t really know yet what it is I NEED right now. Therapy these past months have helped me get over Aidon and Australia. That experience broke me in a million different ways and try putting something back together that you never knew could break. PSA: Therapy is wonderful, but find yourself a therapist who will challenge you and force you to grow. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have someone to talk to and get me through all of this. She helped me discover a love for myself in more ways than I can count. Self-growth is fucking hard, and now I realize why so few people do it. It’s hard to accept areas in your life that need work because we live in a society that teaches us we have to be perfect. We live in a world of people who would rather stay in shit situations because they’re afraid to be alone. And you’re right being alone is scary, because you realize you have so much power, and that is terrifying to a world that wants you to have none.

 

 

 

 

To Share or Not To Share, That is the Question?

So it’s been awhile since I have updated, but I do have updates. Plenty of them, however, let’s start with Alec. He is the most pressing issue I have on hand, and he is full of lessons I can’t seem to be capable of learning. Or maybe, I refuse to learn.

Alec is someone I met about 2 months ago through the app Hinge. We hit it off right away and have been talking ever since. We’re not exclusive, and I must admit I’ve slept with one other person since we met, but I felt so guilty for it. Why? Because when I realize I like someone, anything feels like cheating if it isn’t for them. Maybe that sounds drastic, but that is just how I’m wired. I don’t fall for people often, but when I do, I fall. Hard.

Alec is the first boy I’ve liked since Aidon. He is the first one to make me believe again that I can love someone else, and to me that means something. When we’re together he acts like a boyfriend. Kisses me every time he sees me, holds my hand when we’re out, and has met all of my friends. But then sometimes it feels like I mean nothing to him except sex.

Alec is leaving in a couple months to teach english in Japan, so whatever relationship we have is ultimately doomed, however I don’t know how to like him and not want more. I’m trying to be casual with him, my feelings, and the whole situation. This is all uncharted territory for me, yet I feel myself getting passive aggressive with him like we’re lovers and I can’t stop it.

For example, he promised he would be at my show and didn’t show up. I was extremely hurt and bummed because when you like someone, you want them to see you in your element. I wanted him to watch me perform because it meant a lot to me to be sharing my art on stage in front of people. But when he didn’t show, and gave some lame excuse he was tired, I felt myself wanting to shut down and just close him out. But I fought against it and tried to brush it all aside like I didn’t care. Is that how we have to play the love game in order to win? Pretend to be casual and not let things that hurt us actually hurt us?

He took me on a date to make up for missing my performance, and 2 glasses of wine later, we got on the topic of him leaving. One thing led to another and he admitted to me he has also been seeing other people. Immediately something in me shut off. I was hurt, and I could feel myself wanting to cry. It wasn’t directed towards just him, but I could feel the weight of his words on my shoulder like it was being pushed down by the boys of my past. I thought about Aidon and him picking Danny. I thought of every single one of my breakups and how I felt like I wasn’t enough. And now, here sitting across from me, was a boy I liked who was making me feel the exact same way all over again.

I understand he is leaving, but I don’t understand how to not have feelings. I told him I was going to hold back, that I didn’t want to get hurt, and I was afraid of him hurting me. I was being honest, but I was also scared I was being too honest. I want to be the boy who doesn’t care. The one who can hide his feelings behind nonchalant smiles and laughs. But I can’t. I don’t want to share him, and if that’s what he wants then maybe I am not the man for him right now. Is it drastic of me to want to walk away just because we can’t reach a level of monogamy? I’ve done the hook ups. I’ve played this game. I want something serious. As Carrie Bradshaw once said, I just want to be the one. Someone tell me I’m the one.

He asked me why I liked him and I never spoke about the physical. When I asked him in return, one of his responses was “sexual chemistry.” In all honesty, I’ve had better sex. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy sex with him because I really do, but I wouldn’t put sex on my list of liking someone. Maybe because I desire emotional connection more than a physical one. Physicality is easy to come by, but a heart, that’s the rare thing to find nowadays.

So what do you all think?

Should I keep seeing Alec even though it’s probably just for regular sex until he leaves and maybe I can practice falling for someone without losing myself? 

or

Call it quits and put my focus and attention on someone who actually cares and wants a relationship because my heart has been through enough? 

Not Letting Go

People think “Get over him already” is good advice for a heartbreak, but let me just tell you, it’s not. It makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong because you can’t let go, or that your love was meaningless. It tries to take something that was once so big and make it small and insignificant. And I personally fucking HATE it.

I know I have dedicated a lot of these previous posts to my last relationship, and although it was shitty and terrible and he’s a jerk, it was still one of the most impactful and painful break up’s I have ever faced. And this isn’t a post dedicated to me wanting him back. This is an explanation for why I will never truly let him go.

As an artist, and especially as a performer, I pull from my past experiences to help me create. I don’t run from the way I feel, lock it up, and pretend I’m devoid about what is the best thing about being human.

I like to take these experiences and make poetry with it. I write a lot of poems about Aidon, sometimes saying the thing I wish I could have said, but they are not a plea for him to come back. On the contrary, they’re the therapy helping to exercise him out. And this is what I try to explain to people who tell me to get over him, but most of the time they just don’t understand.

You notice how there is a difference in grips? Like when drinking something you grip it firmly so it doesn’t spill, and how if you grip it softly it will slip? Both grips are a way of holding on, but notice how with one you can easily lose the very you’re trying to hold on to? This is what it’s like when I hold onto my ex. I still touch him, but I am not gripping in a way where I’m afraid to lose what I am holding on to. Like I’m a little further from the fire but I can still benefit from it’s warmth.

Aidon is my muse. He’s what I will continue to use for as long as I can, and If it makes me feel better to use him in my art what is wrong with that? Why do I have to forget and act like he doesn’t exist to me? I’m not hurting anyone else by using my experiences and making poetry or blog posts out of it.

So the next time you try telling someone to get over it, first try and understand why they’re in it. If I was on the floor bawling everyday just dying for him to come back then yes help me snap out of it all. But I’m not. I’m healing, and I’m not sorry that my process might look different than yours. That’s what make’s us beautiful.

 

Installments

Theres one thing my ex still has that keeps me tied to him, and it’s taken months for me to even get a part of it back.

I was all ready to move to Australia. My heart had moved there months before I was scheduled to arrive, but I had everything in order. I was in the process of getting my visa, I had my belongings all set, and the plane ticket purchased. I bought the ticket using his card so we could get travel points that we would both use to fly back to CA when it came time for me to visit my family. It was all too good to be true, but I was naive and in love and would have done anything for him. I really did believe he was my one.

After the break up, I cancelled the flight I had to move there and was patiently waiting for the airline to refund his credit card so I could get my money back. In the months it took for the airline to finally process it, Aidon had already been on multiple trips with his new boyfriend using up every single one of my travel points. He also created an instagram couples page with the new boy where they post all their travel, kissing, and mushy photos. It felt like a huge slap in the face, and the rage and sadness it brought was overwhelming. But remembering my worth, the value of his character, and how ugly the new boyfriend is, made me feel so much better. I didn’t lose a single thing, and looking at their photos now just makes me laugh. It’s kind of funny watching someone live out their life with the person they told you you had nothing to worry about. It is validating to your intuition, and the irony is just comical. But I think this mentality came with time. If someone would have shown this to me early on in my grieving process I would have been a mess. Now, after the initial shock, I feel nothing. Sometimes the nightmares aren’t as scary when you finally wake up.

I haven’t spoken to Aidon since he told me he wanted to be with Danny, and I’ve held strong to that. Are there moments I felt myself wanting to break? Of course, but the love I now have for myself trumps all, and no boy will ever again come between me and myself again. So when I awoke one day with an email from the airline saying my refund had finally been processed, I immediately asked my best friend if she would reach out to Aidon and ask for him to please send me my money.

He ignored her first text, either intentionally or because he wanted me to break my vow of silence and ask personally, but I wasn’t going to give in. After a week of him still not sending over my money, I had her text him again. This was going to be the last effort I was going to put into it. I know what you’re thinking, “You are just going to let him keep your money and use that shit to travel with the boy he left you for?!” And the answer is yes. If I was willing to lose that money in the first place, what difference does it make now. Do I need it? Fuck yes. I need to pay rent and bills, but it’s not worth my pride and all the love and effort I put into mending myself. Talking to him just gives him power. It allows him to think I will put up with mistreatment and subpar relationships. Talking to him used to make me feel weak, and I won’t risk that again.

A week after her second text he finally responded to her and sent over a PORTION of my money. $74.56 to be exact, and a little note. The note said, “Hey Kev hope you are well. You will receive more installments”

So many things flooded my mind in an instant and it went something like this:

Installments? What the fuck?

Don’t call me Kev I am not your friend. My name is Kevin.

$74 that is the most random amount ever. Where the fuck is the rest of it? 

Does the number mean something? Is it code? Is it romanic?

I was ultimately confused. This was the one moment he had to finally contact me and say something and all he said was that. I don’t know why I expected more from him, I honestly should have just been shocked I received a note, but still it irked me. Also why installments? He was refunded a full amount. They’re not sending the refund in small increments so why was he sending mine? It’s almost like he is intentionally dragging it out and I don’t know why. Wouldn’t he just want to send it all over and forever be done with me? I mean if he’s so happy with his new boyfriend like the the instagram page suggests, why is he still bothering with me? What game is he playing at? I know he has money, or did he blow it all on these vacations with Danny and now he needs my money for something?

My friends told me I should bitch him out and ask for the rest of it. But I am curious as to why he is doing what he’s doing and I almost want to see how it plays out. Like how many installments, is it weekly, or will it soon just all come at once? Apparently him and Danny will be in LA in April, and I wonder if the money will be the excuse he might use to try and meet with me. But again why does he? Why would he even care? He’s still playing a game, but for the first time I actually know I’m playing, and that makes somewhat of a difference.

Right?

 

Valentine’s Day Magic

This is my 26th year without a Valentine. I’m not trying to say that to be sad or dramatic or gather heaps of sympathy. It’s just a simple fact about me. In a weird way I’m kind of proud of it because when I finally do have a Valentine it will have totally been worth the wait.

But it’s not that I haven’t had boyfriends, it just seems I never have one when the holiday rolls around. Looking back, all my break ups tend to fizzle out during the end of the year, so when the new year begins it’s like both me and my love life get a fresh start.

And this year I was fully prepared to be my own Valentine.

Last year for Valentine’s day I was invited to this exclusive Hollywood gay singles mixer party thrown by a guy who runs a super popular entertainment news outlet. He had found me on instagram and invited me to his party. I ran into a few people I knew and made some new connections. The liquor was free and the dessert spread was out of this world. It was a gay ol time.

This year I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, and as I sat in horrible LA traffic, I had the idea to host a dinner with my friends and just watch romantic movies while we all forget our lack of romance on this Hallmark holiday. But then suddenly I remembered the party from last year, and had the ballsy idea to just text the guy and see if he was hosting another one since I hadn’t heard anything. Within seconds of sending him a text, he replied with an image of the party invitation.

It was happening, and I just scored myself another invitation.

Me, My best friend Jonathan, and my old roommate James arrived to the party looking our best. I wore a tank top with a donut on it and the Ed Sheeran lyric, “I’m in love with the shape of you” thinking it would have been a clever conversation starter.

1) No one commented on it which irked me because where was the sense of humor!?

2) I was the only guy at the party who wore a fucking tank top.

My friends and I also seemed to be the only ones who didn’t mind eating the food spread. Everyone in LA, especially the gays, are so carb and sugar conscious. I get it, I want a hot body too, but food is life and God’s gift to all of mankind.

Here’s a fun fact about me and parties: you can and will always find me near the food. I practically just go to parties for the free food and drinks. Mainly the food.

As my friends and I stuffed our faces on chocolate covered pretzels, glitter donuts and brownies, and heart shaped pizza, we began to survey the room to find the cutest boys. It was a room full of your typical LA hotties. You had your instagram models, influencers, actors, the coolest people you will ever meet (me and my friends), and just a random assortment of people in the entertainment industry. It was the perfect place to network, and a perfect place to find someone. Even if that someone is just for the night.

At first my friends and I were stuck to one another like glue, but as the party progressed and the alcohol started pumping through our bodies, we each found our own little corners of the room to mingle with strangers.

I told everyone I was a poet, because I am so exhausted from saying I’m an actor due to it being just extremely cliche in this town. Being a poet sparked interested, and that’s what I wanted. I was still a performer, but this type of performance made me different.

I was riding a high during the entire party. Earlier in the day I released a slam poem on youtube to my ex and his new boyfriend (click here) and I was receiving so much positive feedback throughout the day that I used it to manifest and project myself into an even better night. I was determined to meet at least one person I was insanely attracted to and get a number.

There was one guy at the party everyone seemed to be drawn to. He was about 6’4 and his name was Jose. All night men approached him to talk but he didn’t seem too interested in anyone. Was he secretly straight and just here to ride the free food and drink train and just get showered with compliments?

I eventually made my way to him, and struck up a conversation. He was there with his cousin and was invited via instagram by the host. I guess the only way into this damn party was instagram. As the night progressed he slowly opened up about slowly coming to terms with being gay and how he was a student up north who just came down for the party.

But small talk aside, I knew I wanted to kiss him.

Either it was the vodka speaking or me still riding my high from my revenge poem,  I told him what I wanted. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You want me to kiss you?” and within a second pulled me in causing me to stand on my tip toes as he lip locked me into a tight embrace.

Everything around me stopped. It was like the music cut at the party and everyone was staring, and as we pulled away and I glanced around the room, I could see the other guys whispering and pointing at us. I guess I made the impression my tank top lacked to do with it’s clever pun.

As we stood there, me mostly shocked that I just kissed the hottest guy in the room,  I could feel my lips tingling. The kiss was rough, passionate, and he bit my lip just enough to cause my insides to squirm with joy. I had a taste, and after that moment I wanted a bite of the whole thing.

I was clever, and I told him the kiss was decent and not the best. I was lying through my teeth, but I wanted him to kiss me one more time. And without missing a beat he pulled me back in, and this time it was a completely different kiss.

This one was romantic, soft, slow, and it felt like an I love you without words. It was probably single handedly the best kiss of my entire life.

He pulled away and asked if that was better, and without thinking anything could have topped that first kiss, I just nodded and said yes. He told me I was beautiful, and in a room full of beautiful men, I felt like a 100/10 because I was the one he kissed. It’s not that I personally don’t think I’m attractive, because I do, but like any other human I have my doubts from time to time. Who doesn’t get insecure every so often? But I truly believed I would kiss him that night and I did, so listen up readers, if you want something you can have it. Just be confident and fucking go for it.

We said our goodbyes as the party died down and he told me if I was ever up north to hit him up. I wasn’t looking for anything with him. I was just content with that kiss and if that’s all we could ever be that was okay. Because something about that kiss was magic, and I enjoyed it for what it was; a beautiful moment. And I sometimes think these are what life is truly about. Those moments that leave you breathless, and perfectly content despite how brief they are. It’s these moments that don’t leave room for a heartbreak, and that is exactly what I need right now.

 

 

 

Sparks Again

Tonight I went on a date.

Shocking, I know. A blog about dating and I start this post with, “I went on a date,” like it’s some absurd thing. But if you’ve been following along you will know that this is actually huge since that pesky think called a break up that I just went through.

His name is Alec and we met on this new app I just got called Hinge. They’re not paying me to say this, but so far it’s my favorite dating app. It’s very organized, people on it actually talk to one another, and the boys (for the most part) are cute as hell. I even matched with a YouTube celeb! But back to Alec.

We met at my favorite pizza spot because it was the only real location I knew between where we both live. He and I probably live about 40 minutes from one another, which if you’re a LA snob, would be considered “too far.” But if you know me you know that clearly I have no problem with a little distance. I mean, I dated someone in Australia for crying out loud! I don’t think I can get much further than that, well, until they colonize Mars. Then knowing my luck I would probably even try to do intergalactic distance because why the fuck not. I love challenges apparently.

Leading up to the date I knew I was going to have a good time. He had a great sense of humor and I felt connected to him right away when we first started chatting, but I was also having a great day in general so I was open to more positivity and connectivity.

When I saw him standing outside the restaurant I immediately began to size him up. He was both taller and thinner than I imagined and a lot more handsome in person. Not that I didn’t think he was attractive going into this, but sometimes photos can be a let down. I mean that’s honestly how I feel about mine. I get so insecure I won’t live up to the facade I parade on social media. I’m working on insecurity though, and it’s totally a part of my whole process of learning self love.

I gave him a hug, but I never know what the proper response is to meeting an online date for the first time. Are you supposed to hug or shake hands? Or just do nothing and say hi? I’m not sure what’s “proper,” but I always hug. I’m a hugger.

When we were waiting in line to order our pizza we were already instantly connected in conversation. There was no awkwardness, it was extremely playful and flirty, and it was comfortable like we’ve known one another for awhile. It was nice, and it felt so refreshing to just be myself again without being anxious on a date. The best part was, I completely forgot about my ex while I was with him.

One of the big issues with Alec though is that he doesn’t like Taylor Swift, but I think that’s something we can work on. But in reality everything about him is pretty great. He has a wonderful sense of humor, kind blue eyes, and such a genuine energy about him. I made a ton of poor jokes throughout the night that were mainly funny to me, and despite him poking fun at my humor, I just knew we would get along well. For example when we talked ethnicity he said his dad was 100% Danish and I asked, “Cherry or Apple?”

I thought it was hilarious.

While talking though I could tell he is the type of person I would fall for, and I made sure I took note of that so I don’t lose myself in him if this is something I decide to pursue further. Plus he is a people pleaser, and to me that is a BIG red flag. People pleaser’s tend to hurt people by being deceitful to make others happy, so I made sure I took a mental note of that as well. I’m not putting a wall up, but I am making sure I’m cautious in future relationships so I don’t end up hurting like I have in the past. After all no one is going to protect my heart better than myself.

After dinner we walked to our cars together still stuck in conversation. On the side of the restaurant is a plaque with two handprints on it and some writing above each hand and the gist of it is that one person places their hand on the handprint and a stranger places their hand on the other and you remove your hands once you’re no longer strangers. I placed my hand on one of the handprints and read it aloud while he placed his hand on the other. When I finished reading he goes, “But we’re not strangers,” and then leaned in and kissed me. It was so romantic and perfect and made my frozen heart melt a little. It was the perfect moment for a first kiss and I will definetly always remember it, especially because I go to that pizza place all the time.

When we reached our cars he pulled me in and kissed me again while he held me with such confidence. It was nice, and I could tell he genuinely cared. I don’t know if that makes sense but there was just something about his grasp that felt good, and I haven’t felt that good in a very long time.

He asked to see me again and I didn’t want to appear eager so we never set a date. He said we had to hang in his neighborhood next time, and I smartly replied “What makes you think I have to go to you?” This made him laugh and he retorted with, “We all know who wears the pants in this relationship,” and that just made me laugh even harder back because he has no idea what he’s in for.

I like the me I portray when I’m first getting to know someone because it’s my true self. I’m carefree, not afraid to be myself, and I actually eat my dinner because I’m not a self conscious nervous mess. Overall, I’m confident, but somehow I lose it as relationships progress. I’m working on it.

I don’t know where Alec and I will go. This could be it for us or there could be more dates to come, but honestly it doesn’t matter to me. Because for the first time I felt a little spark, and that’s enough to help remind myself that I can move on and love again.

 

To Move or Not To Move…

Today is the day I was meant to move to Australia.

I actually forgot what day I had planned, but somehow with my luck, the airline company sent me a text letting me know my itinerary was ready. You might be asking why was it was unlucky my phone did an amazing job at keeping me updated? Well, because I cancelled that flight 2 months ago. It had NO right reminding me that my love life is shit and my big life change was no longer going to happen.

It kind of felt like a slap in the face. A little way for the world to keep reminding me of my ex and how much I still miss him. To be honest, he has the most blog posts than any other guy I’ve dated. I should have written him off by now. His chapter should be done. But still, he lingers in my mind every damn day from the moment I wake up right until I  fall back asleep. He’s like herpes. He flares up, goes away, and then comes back with a vengeance. I don’t actually have herpes, but it seemed like a great metaphor for what he is. He’s my own personal herpes.

It’s weird because we haven’t spoken in 2 months and I still feel connected to him. I want to hear his voice again. I want to remember the tingle in my lips when he would kiss me. I want to feel the electricity that would shoot through my body when his fingers brushed my skin. I know, I know, I know. He’s horrible. He crushed my heart and I need to let go and move on because he’s trash. But for one brief moment he was my trash, and I loved that trash dearly.

In a weird twist of fate, I’ve still yet to receive my refund for that flight. I booked it through a third party site, to save money of course because I’m a poor boy, and they have yet to process it. The kicker is that it was paid for on my exes credit card and I had sent him money via paypal for it back when we booked it. This is my last and only tie to my ex and I wonder if the universe is making me hold on because it wants to give me an excuse to talk to him again. But listen up universe if you’re reading this, I AM NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I REALLY FUCKING WANT TO.

I don’t even know what I would say, plus he doesn’t really deserve ever hearing from me again. He chose someone else. He left me to fix myself in my brokenness, and in a weird way, I’m thankful for that. He said he would always be there if I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t need him to fix me. He CAN’T fix me. I have to fix myself and that’s what I am working on. It’s painful, and the more I work on loving myself, the more I understand why people settle, why people go for easy, and why people end up with others who don’t force or challenge them to grow. It’s easy to remain the same.

I asked myself what would have taken more strength, staying and loving him despite it all or walking away and using that time to love myself. And it takes way more strength to put yourself first than it would to stay.

Loving him was easy for me. It’s what I had come to know for the majority of last year, but not once did I put any of that love towards myself. Towards my own goals and dreams. He became my dream, and how sad is it that I myself was not a part of that?

I’m struggling to figure out what it is I really want in life. Daily I now ask myself, “What does Kevin want? What is Kevin truly passionate about?” And although it’s a slow process, I’m learning and I’m growing. Each day I’m getting closer and closer to my dreams, even if maybe right now I don’t know what exactly they are.

So I may no longer be moving to Australia, but I am still moving towards something, and that’s all that matters right now.

 

Friendly Confession

Feelings are fickle. You never know when they’re going to show up and you’re never quite certain when they’re going to leave. And then the question remains, do they really go away or do they linger for forever?

I was at a going away party tonight for a friend who is moving to New York to pursue his dream of being on Broadway. We hadn’t spoken in long time, but I figured his party was a good excuse for me to kick my dry spell and see if he had any hot friends I could pick up on. Plus, I wanted some free food.

When I arrived at the party I immediately saw my “sassy gay best friend” Michael, and went to hangout with him since I didn’t really know anyone else. He’s not my real best friend, but that was the nickname we had for each other. We caught up on the formalities and then headed to the roof where everyone was smoking weed.

Once on the roof we started talking about the deeper more meaningful stuff. He asked me how I was doing in regards to Aidon and if I was still sad. Which, despite the clear fact I need to get the fuck over him, I am still sad. He asked what bother’s me and it was still the same stuff: the cheating, the hurt, the idea of love. I asked him if my feelings were ever going to go away and his response was, “No, but one day it just won’t hurt anymore.”

But all night I could tell something was bothering Michael, like he was withholding some lingering topic of conversation he couldn’t find a way to let out. I thought maybe he was mad at me for the night I let him go down on me when I was blackout drunk because I for sure didn’t want to let that moment give him any ideas that I was interested in more. I was simply just sad, hurting, and wanting to fill the void my ex left.

After an awkward encounter of the host asking if I was dating anyone, I found my way back to the front door and let myself out into the cold chilly winter LA air. The breeze on my face was such a relief compared to the cramped heated interior of my friends apartment.

Michael quickly followed me out and walked me back to my car, using the heat as an excuse to also escape the party. When we reached my car he finally confessed that he had something to tell me which just confirmed the hunch I had all night.

He started it off casually, and then told me he didn’t want my views of him to change. I knew immediately what he was going to say, and I awkwardly tried to do a million things to avoid his confession. I searched my trunk for a jacket, I wobbled back and forth, and I kept grabbing and swinging from a nearby telephone pole.

I had only seen Michael probably 3 times since our show together two years ago, and we’ve only spoken every so often. I confided with him a lot recently about the break up, so I wasn’t fully expecting what he had to tell me.

As we stood there, well he stood and I fidgeted, he confessed he had feelings for me and he’s had them for the past year.

Wait. Pause. Freeze.

He has had feelings for me for the past year even though we’ve hardly spoken and have barely seen one another? How is this possible, and why?

And then suddenly this terrified me.

He has been romantically feeling for me without me knowing and I honestly haven’t given him any thoughts like that since, well, since ever. But if he is like me then he thought of me during romantic moments of movies, certain songs, and practically anything that has to do with love. And this has been going on without my knowledge for a year.

I should explain why this scared me. It scared me because what if I become him but in regards to my ex? What if I hold onto something that isn’t there, and all the while I’m doing this, my ex isn’t ever thinking of me? How sad. How painful. How… disappointing.

I told him I appreciated him telling me, and he quickly interjected and said he doesn’t expect me to reciprocate but that he wanted me to know. And I did appreciate knowing. It was nice to know that someone likes me because I am so traumatized from flying across the world and getting rejected. My view of myself isn’t really at it’s current greatest.

But I did feel sad. I know what it’s like to to have feelings for someone and not have them reciprocated. And it just got me thinking, are we always going to be longing for what we can’t have? Will I always want people I’ve lost in my past? Am I ever going to truly move on? And how do we, as people, hold on to things that aren’t fighting to hold on back?

I know in time everything will make sense. But my friend has liked me for a year, and in that year he didn’t cross my mind once. Romance, is a fucking bitch.

The Breakup Problem

Today I hit a bit of a relapse. I slept for over 12 hours which is mainly what I do when I’m having major anxiety and depression. When I got back from Australia I spent 5 consecutive days doing this. Then I started to feel better when I blocked Aidon and took my power back, but today I feel like I was thrown back to square one. So I was thinking, why am I struggling with moving on, and why are break ups so hard? But I think I found an answer.

I’m a hopeless romantic, which can be nice, but can also lead to major delusions. My expectations for a relationship are high, so if not reached, I will just naturally have a sense of disappointment. I like to be realistic as well though. I am aware that not every relationship will be perfect, but I do like to believe movie moments exist because I know for a fact I’m someone who would do them. And if I do them, isn’t it possible there is someone else out there who would do them too?

But I realize the sadness from my break up comes from the fact that I am having to let go of the idea and fantasy of the relationship I built. And when I thought about it that way I started thinking, was I actually sad about losing Aidon as a person? And the answer is no. He lies, cheats, and used me emotionally to make himself feel better. Why would I want that in a lover, let alone a friend? But see the idea of him in my head is not like that. He’s romantic, sweet, caring, and a total babe.

And that’s the problem.

I feel like it’s the idea of him that got with the reality of someone else. What I mean is, I feel like I lost my dream boy to somebody else. But Aidon isn’t the dream boy. He came with traits no one deserves in a partner, and that’s what I struggle with accepting.

Even now a small part of me wants him to show up on my door and “pick” me, but the thing is I would never trust him. I wouldn’t take him back, and I would also feel insecure when with him. I don’t think that would ever go away, and that’s something else that makes me sad. I’m sad about the fact that he can NEVER be who I thought he was.

My pride is also hurt. I feel rejected, and I don’t like walking away defeated when I gave something my all. But the way I try to look at it is that I didn’t really lose, but rather won. If anything, I dropped something that was holding me back. I was about to give up my dreams of acting to move across the world, but what if 2018 was going to be the year something big happened for me in acting? Or what if I was going to meet someone here who was going to change my life for forever? And realistically what did I lose? The opportunity to date someone who for the course of our entire relationship lied about his feelings and was also sleeping with someone else? Someone who told me he loved me and then did everything that said otherwise? I didn’t lose shit. I won the second I put myself first and officially let him go.

So, there it is. That’s why I’m sad. I’m sad I lost my fantasy of love, and a part of myself is scared I will never love again. But I’ve been broken hearted before and I got past it. This one just seems to hurt a little bit more.