What To Do?

 

I say this city is home, but truthfully, I didn’t grow up inside Los Angeles. I grew up about 45 minutes away (without traffic) in what I call the last town in the county. So technically still LA, but not so much the dirt, grime, and desperation that slides through the streets of Hollywood. And oddly enough, this city doesn’t feel very much like home. But neither does home either.

I decided to stay in Los Angeles because it always seemed the place to be. It’s where my dreams of acting made the most sense, it’s where my family is, and nothing in the world could beat the weather. It’s a paradise people dream of, but why do I find myself dreaming of something else?

I long for a life a lot different than this. I envision small towns with a lot of history near the ocean and forests of green. I want to live in a place where there is a fire in a fireplace, snow, summer, and all the colors of autumn. I want a yard and a favorite bookshop down the cobblestoned streets with coffee and tea that will remind me of a childhood I never had. I want simplicity in such a sad and complicated world.

Yet on the flip side, I want to do and be amazing things. I want to create something that changes the world. I want to be a force of nature they would name a hurricane after. I want to be admired and loved, and I want to feel accomplished. I want to be wealthy, not for vanity’s sake, but so I never have to worry about it. I want a life that doesn’t concern itself with survival, but instead, focuses on living. Truthfully. Boldy. And with a ton of love. I want so much more than what I currently have I just don’t know how to get it.

I have so many passions, too many if you ask me. But they’re all there burning inside me like a flame consuming a library. I want to be a poet. An actor. A writer. A leader. An archaeologist. A husband. A traveler. An explorer. I tell my boyfriend that maybe these are all my past lives showing themselves to me in glimpses of inspiration. Today my passions tell me to write. Tomorrow they will tell me to read. Some days they tell me to sing. I feel like I am good at many things but not excellent in a single one. What use is a compass if no one uses it to go in a direction? And that’s what I want. A direction.  A sign to say what I should do in THIS lifetime. I’m afraid to settle, but I can’t yet decide what is the most important thing for me to fight for.

I just recently turned 28, and I feel as if I am running out of time to accomplish something. I look at other people my age and they seem to have it all figured out. I never thought I would be approaching thirty but still feel as lost as I was when I graduated high school. What I am learning, however, is that the older I seem to get the less I become excited about things. And if I feel this way now, imagine how I will feel at 50?

But I don’t want to be glum and say things are bad, because, they aren’t. Last year I self-published a book that was featured in various outlets including The LA Times, I have a boyfriend who is the epitome of what love should be, and I have my friends and family supporting and believing in me. I just feel disappointed I’m not where I thought I would be, but honestly, are we ever?

 

Is it fate or just a coincidence? Part 2

 

Read Part 1 here!

The second he said Sydney I knew it was him, and without missing a beat, I started spewing as many words and questions as I could get in over the music and before I lost his attention.

“Is your name Shaun? Are you a pilot? Did you date Aidon? I know Aidon!”

And then I started to tell a bit of my story, flying to Australia, falling in love, the cheating with Danny, and being left to return home alone.

We made our way to the bar, away from the sweaty bodies and pulsing music, where he bought me a drink as we started to compare our stories. We found a lot of inconsistencies. Aidon told me Shaun cheated on him, but in reality, Aidon cheated on Shaun. Leaving him to go back to his previous boyfriend, similar to what he did with me and Danny. Shaun apologized to me for what Aidon did and I apologized to him in return. It was like we were giving each other that apology that Aidon would never give to us, and in a weird way, it helped me release any lingering feelings I might have been holding on to.

We then Facetimed our friend Jacqui because she would never believe that we would have met in the most random bar in all of LA, and while on the call, Shaun leaned over and kissed me. I don’t know what his intention was, maybe for her to relay that message back to Aidon, but I didn’t mind. Maybe a part of myself wanted to get revenge too, but more importantly, I thought he was so cute.

Shaun’s sister approached us drunk and ready to leave. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and lucky for me, neither did he. When he stepped outside to hop in an uber with her, he text and asked me to tag along too.

“Nothing suss,” he proclaimed, “I just want to keep talking.”

And the thing was, I did too.

I told my best friend where I was going, leaving her in the arms of a beautiful tall stranger, and then I was off into the cab with someone who felt like a little piece of home.

After we dropped his sister off we began walking through the streets just talking. We’d occasionally touch and hold hands with kisses sprinkled like stars blinking in the night. I knew this wouldn’t last, how could it? This was my exes ex and yet again, someone who didn’t live in America. But as we walked passed window display we began to floor plan a future for us that we would never live. We picked out sofas and rugs and bathtubs and lamps. He promised me a library and a balcony overlooking the ocean, and walls lined with the worlds gaudiest tapestries. We laughed and we kissed and we allowed ourselves to just get lost together. It felt nice, and although I knew none of it was real, it was nice to pretend that it was. It felt so carefree, and I wonder if that’s what love should feel like. If love should feel like kids playing grown up and house.

I asked if he had a special someone back home, and of course, there was someone he had a crush on. His name is Sam, but the way he described him his name might as well have been Aidon part 2. Shaun and Sam had been talking for a few months and Sam wasn’t progressing their relationship. He refused to define it and would rather have kept Shaun in limbo. I know I didn’t know Shaun, but I knew he deserved better than that. Aidon put us through hell, so it made no sense to me that he would allow someone else to make him hide his feelings.

As we got closer to sunrise it was time for the magic to end. We had to wake up and come back to reality and leave behind this romantic fantasy we were playing, but these are the moments that make life feel amazing. Because we were just strangers, but our hearts, they were already friends.

I knew after tonight I wanted to see him again, but were my intentions romantic or friendly? I couldn’t figure it out. Because of course I thought he was attractive, but we also had such a unique story I just wanted to be friends and get to know him more. But despite what I was feeling what was he feeling? Did he think this was as magical and serendipitous as I did or was he a realist and to him this was all just one unmagical coincidence?

Is it fate, or just a coincidence? Part 1

Ever since I started my new job, I don’t get to go out on weekends anymore. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but when your life becomes a routine of work and sleep it’s nice to get a chance to let loose and just dance. And there is no better place I like to dance than Dance Yourself Clean at The Satellite in Silverlake.

When my best friend Kayla and I rolled up in our Uber we were annoyed to see a line out the door. When we first started coming this felt like “our” spot. It was never crowded, the music was wacky, and the people who came were free-spirited. The vibe and music haven’t changed, but the drones of people who now come can be a bit overwhelming, and when I’m forced to wait in line, very annoying.

As we waited patiently, a large group of people cut us off right when we got to the front of the building. Kayla started bitching, but I noticed a cute guy amongst the group and suddenly wasn’t angry that his party knew the bouncer and beat us inside.

About an hour later, as Kayla and I bounced around like idiots high on life and my first night off, I noticed the group from earlier dancing across the dance floor. I kept staring at the one I thought was cute and suddenly something clicked and I knew I recognized him from somewhere.

“Kayla!”

I began excitedly and breathlessly screaming at her over the music.

“I think that’s Aidon’s ex!”

For those who don’t know, Aidon is the boy I flew to Australia for. The one who cheated and ripped my heart out without any sense of regret or remorse. The one I was about to move for and change my entire life. The man who I thought was my soulmate.

So seeing his ex-boyfriend, the man he dated before me, was exciting. I needed to know if he thought Aidon was as terrible as I did. I wanted to find another survivor, and I needed to hear his story.

Immediately I had to come up with a plan. I wanted to confirm it was his ex, and the way I could do that without assuming anything was to find out if he had an accent. So being clever, I approached him and said,

“Hey, I like your shirt where’d you get it?”

He turned to me, a bit shocked, and replied,

“Oh, I got it back home in Sydney.”

The second he said Sydney I immediately knew I was right about who he was. This was Shaun, Aidon’s ex, and for some reason, in this small bar in all of Los Angeles, the universe brought two exes together.

 

 

Love Thyself

I haven’t written a post in a while, and I think it has a lot to do with this whole self-discovery kick I’ve been on. I created this blog to talk about dating. My struggles to find a genuine man. My mishaps and adventures in romance. I created this platform because dating WAS my focus. My dream. My goal. I think finding true love was my mission, but now, it isn’t. I am not focused on finding love in anyone but myself, and I think that is why all of sudden this blog has gone unexpectedly quiet.

There are other reasons as well. Unfortunately, about a month ago my grandma passed away and I don’t believe a part of myself has registered that. I still think come holidays we will spend it with her like we’ve done every year of my life. I can’t imagine a Thanksgiving or Christmas without her love and sass.

But also, I just simply haven’t been going on any dates. Ever since my Australia mishap I’ve only kinda pursued one person who just ended up becoming a fuck buddy and nothing more.

I got a new job, which is awesome and fun and puts more money in my bank account than I have seen in a while. So now I spend a majority of my time working on publishing my first poetry book and working at my new restaurant. I hardly ever go out and drink because I am so exhausted at the end of my work days. I know I am probably making myself sound super boring, but I promise you going through a phase like this is so beneficial. I get to step back and see what I want and who I am, and currently, I have reevaluated what my new dream might be. Because if it’s not finding love, what is it?

Don’t get me wrong, I am still dating, but only when I want to. I’m not rearranging previous plans, deterring from my routine, or making huge sacrifices for people who haven’t earned that type of respect yet. I used to give my time to others so freely and stealing it from myself but I am no longer doing that. And you know what I have found? It makes men angry.

I have been verbally attacked TWICE within the past week for turning down dates or not changing my plans to accommodate someone when they wanted me to. I’m not in a place in my life anymore where I just drop everything at the chance of love or romance. I used to. I would ditch friends, rearrange my schedule, and even cancel previous plans just to make a date work. I would sacrifice myself before people even deserved it, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.

I went out with this guy named Nick and we hit it off well. He was cute, easy to talk to, and we ended up getting breakfast at midnight. And although I had fun, I was in no rush to see him again. I didn’t feel inclined to rearrange any of my set week plans to make a second date. Maybe some of you could say it’s because I didn’t like him, but am I supposed to know that after a couple hours of hanging out?

The next day I spent the 4th of July on the beach with my friends. Some of them brought potential love interests and others were pining and waiting for someone to magically show up, but for the first time, I was content being single on a holiday. I didn’t need anyone there because I was just so happy to be with my friends. Nick, however, text me asking to hang out and when I declined, he began to get needy and aggressive saying I must just not be that interested.

1. We had just met yesterday
2. I didn’t owe him anything
3. I wasn’t going to change my plans or invite a stranger to join my friends

As the week progressed he got more upset when I didn’t rush the second date and then basically went on this rant about how if I was interested I would text back more frequently blah blah blah.

Why do people just assume you will drop everything for them when they barely know you and you barely know them?

Another guy named Alexander, whom I’ve never met with but talked via Instagram and texting, went off on me when I told him I was busy the day he asked me to lunch. He went on this tangent about how he’s well traveled, not poor, and blah blah blah. Why in the hell did he think that mattered to me? Of course, those are good traits to be culturally conscious and have finances in order, but if you aren’t humble or respectful why would I want you?

When I told him I wasn’t the type of person to just drop what I already have planned for someone else because THEY are available he called me arrogant, rude, and misleading. I have NEVER even met this guy and he was already making assumptions about my personality because I respectfully told him I was spending time with my family. I just don’t understand why people feel so entitled to things they haven’t earned. Maybe we now live in a society where people expect to get whatever they want. Is that the American Dream?

I’m not opposed to dating. I won’t run from love if it found me. But truth be told, I don’t want it to. I don’t want love right now because I don’t really know yet what it is I NEED right now. Therapy these past months have helped me get over Aidon and Australia. That experience broke me in a million different ways and try putting something back together that you never knew could break. PSA: Therapy is wonderful, but find yourself a therapist who will challenge you and force you to grow. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have someone to talk to and get me through all of this. She helped me discover a love for myself in more ways than I can count. Self-growth is fucking hard, and now I realize why so few people do it. It’s hard to accept areas in your life that need work because we live in a society that teaches us we have to be perfect. We live in a world of people who would rather stay in shit situations because they’re afraid to be alone. And you’re right being alone is scary, because you realize you have so much power, and that is terrifying to a world that wants you to have none.

 

 

 

 

To Share or Not To Share, That is the Question?

So it’s been awhile since I have updated, but I do have updates. Plenty of them, however, let’s start with Alec. He is the most pressing issue I have on hand, and he is full of lessons I can’t seem to be capable of learning. Or maybe, I refuse to learn.

Alec is someone I met about 2 months ago through the app Hinge. We hit it off right away and have been talking ever since. We’re not exclusive, and I must admit I’ve slept with one other person since we met, but I felt so guilty for it. Why? Because when I realize I like someone, anything feels like cheating if it isn’t for them. Maybe that sounds drastic, but that is just how I’m wired. I don’t fall for people often, but when I do, I fall. Hard.

Alec is the first boy I’ve liked since Aidon. He is the first one to make me believe again that I can love someone else, and to me that means something. When we’re together he acts like a boyfriend. Kisses me every time he sees me, holds my hand when we’re out, and has met all of my friends. But then sometimes it feels like I mean nothing to him except sex.

Alec is leaving in a couple months to teach english in Japan, so whatever relationship we have is ultimately doomed, however I don’t know how to like him and not want more. I’m trying to be casual with him, my feelings, and the whole situation. This is all uncharted territory for me, yet I feel myself getting passive aggressive with him like we’re lovers and I can’t stop it.

For example, he promised he would be at my show and didn’t show up. I was extremely hurt and bummed because when you like someone, you want them to see you in your element. I wanted him to watch me perform because it meant a lot to me to be sharing my art on stage in front of people. But when he didn’t show, and gave some lame excuse he was tired, I felt myself wanting to shut down and just close him out. But I fought against it and tried to brush it all aside like I didn’t care. Is that how we have to play the love game in order to win? Pretend to be casual and not let things that hurt us actually hurt us?

He took me on a date to make up for missing my performance, and 2 glasses of wine later, we got on the topic of him leaving. One thing led to another and he admitted to me he has also been seeing other people. Immediately something in me shut off. I was hurt, and I could feel myself wanting to cry. It wasn’t directed towards just him, but I could feel the weight of his words on my shoulder like it was being pushed down by the boys of my past. I thought about Aidon and him picking Danny. I thought of every single one of my breakups and how I felt like I wasn’t enough. And now, here sitting across from me, was a boy I liked who was making me feel the exact same way all over again.

I understand he is leaving, but I don’t understand how to not have feelings. I told him I was going to hold back, that I didn’t want to get hurt, and I was afraid of him hurting me. I was being honest, but I was also scared I was being too honest. I want to be the boy who doesn’t care. The one who can hide his feelings behind nonchalant smiles and laughs. But I can’t. I don’t want to share him, and if that’s what he wants then maybe I am not the man for him right now. Is it drastic of me to want to walk away just because we can’t reach a level of monogamy? I’ve done the hook ups. I’ve played this game. I want something serious. As Carrie Bradshaw once said, I just want to be the one. Someone tell me I’m the one.

He asked me why I liked him and I never spoke about the physical. When I asked him in return, one of his responses was “sexual chemistry.” In all honesty, I’ve had better sex. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy sex with him because I really do, but I wouldn’t put sex on my list of liking someone. Maybe because I desire emotional connection more than a physical one. Physicality is easy to come by, but a heart, that’s the rare thing to find nowadays.

So what do you all think?

Should I keep seeing Alec even though it’s probably just for regular sex until he leaves and maybe I can practice falling for someone without losing myself? 

or

Call it quits and put my focus and attention on someone who actually cares and wants a relationship because my heart has been through enough? 

Installments

Theres one thing my ex still has that keeps me tied to him, and it’s taken months for me to even get a part of it back.

I was all ready to move to Australia. My heart had moved there months before I was scheduled to arrive, but I had everything in order. I was in the process of getting my visa, I had my belongings all set, and the plane ticket purchased. I bought the ticket using his card so we could get travel points that we would both use to fly back to CA when it came time for me to visit my family. It was all too good to be true, but I was naive and in love and would have done anything for him. I really did believe he was my one.

After the break up, I cancelled the flight I had to move there and was patiently waiting for the airline to refund his credit card so I could get my money back. In the months it took for the airline to finally process it, Aidon had already been on multiple trips with his new boyfriend using up every single one of my travel points. He also created an instagram couples page with the new boy where they post all their travel, kissing, and mushy photos. It felt like a huge slap in the face, and the rage and sadness it brought was overwhelming. But remembering my worth, the value of his character, and how ugly the new boyfriend is, made me feel so much better. I didn’t lose a single thing, and looking at their photos now just makes me laugh. It’s kind of funny watching someone live out their life with the person they told you you had nothing to worry about. It is validating to your intuition, and the irony is just comical. But I think this mentality came with time. If someone would have shown this to me early on in my grieving process I would have been a mess. Now, after the initial shock, I feel nothing. Sometimes the nightmares aren’t as scary when you finally wake up.

I haven’t spoken to Aidon since he told me he wanted to be with Danny, and I’ve held strong to that. Are there moments I felt myself wanting to break? Of course, but the love I now have for myself trumps all, and no boy will ever again come between me and myself again. So when I awoke one day with an email from the airline saying my refund had finally been processed, I immediately asked my best friend if she would reach out to Aidon and ask for him to please send me my money.

He ignored her first text, either intentionally or because he wanted me to break my vow of silence and ask personally, but I wasn’t going to give in. After a week of him still not sending over my money, I had her text him again. This was going to be the last effort I was going to put into it. I know what you’re thinking, “You are just going to let him keep your money and use that shit to travel with the boy he left you for?!” And the answer is yes. If I was willing to lose that money in the first place, what difference does it make now. Do I need it? Fuck yes. I need to pay rent and bills, but it’s not worth my pride and all the love and effort I put into mending myself. Talking to him just gives him power. It allows him to think I will put up with mistreatment and subpar relationships. Talking to him used to make me feel weak, and I won’t risk that again.

A week after her second text he finally responded to her and sent over a PORTION of my money. $74.56 to be exact, and a little note. The note said, “Hey Kev hope you are well. You will receive more installments”

So many things flooded my mind in an instant and it went something like this:

Installments? What the fuck?

Don’t call me Kev I am not your friend. My name is Kevin.

$74 that is the most random amount ever. Where the fuck is the rest of it? 

Does the number mean something? Is it code? Is it romanic?

I was ultimately confused. This was the one moment he had to finally contact me and say something and all he said was that. I don’t know why I expected more from him, I honestly should have just been shocked I received a note, but still it irked me. Also why installments? He was refunded a full amount. They’re not sending the refund in small increments so why was he sending mine? It’s almost like he is intentionally dragging it out and I don’t know why. Wouldn’t he just want to send it all over and forever be done with me? I mean if he’s so happy with his new boyfriend like the the instagram page suggests, why is he still bothering with me? What game is he playing at? I know he has money, or did he blow it all on these vacations with Danny and now he needs my money for something?

My friends told me I should bitch him out and ask for the rest of it. But I am curious as to why he is doing what he’s doing and I almost want to see how it plays out. Like how many installments, is it weekly, or will it soon just all come at once? Apparently him and Danny will be in LA in April, and I wonder if the money will be the excuse he might use to try and meet with me. But again why does he? Why would he even care? He’s still playing a game, but for the first time I actually know I’m playing, and that makes somewhat of a difference.

Right?