Is it fate or just a coincidence? Part 2

 

Read Part 1 here!

The second he said Sydney I knew it was him, and without missing a beat, I started spewing as many words and questions as I could get in over the music and before I lost his attention.

“Is your name Shaun? Are you a pilot? Did you date Aidon? I know Aidon!”

And then I started to tell a bit of my story, flying to Australia, falling in love, the cheating with Danny, and being left to return home alone.

We made our way to the bar, away from the sweaty bodies and pulsing music, where he bought me a drink as we started to compare our stories. We found a lot of inconsistencies. Aidon told me Shaun cheated on him, but in reality, Aidon cheated on Shaun. Leaving him to go back to his previous boyfriend, similar to what he did with me and Danny. Shaun apologized to me for what Aidon did and I apologized to him in return. It was like we were giving each other that apology that Aidon would never give to us, and in a weird way, it helped me release any lingering feelings I might have been holding on to.

We then Facetimed our friend Jacqui because she would never believe that we would have met in the most random bar in all of LA, and while on the call, Shaun leaned over and kissed me. I don’t know what his intention was, maybe for her to relay that message back to Aidon, but I didn’t mind. Maybe a part of myself wanted to get revenge too, but more importantly, I thought he was so cute.

Shaun’s sister approached us drunk and ready to leave. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and lucky for me, neither did he. When he stepped outside to hop in an uber with her, he text and asked me to tag along too.

“Nothing suss,” he proclaimed, “I just want to keep talking.”

And the thing was, I did too.

I told my best friend where I was going, leaving her in the arms of a beautiful tall stranger, and then I was off into the cab with someone who felt like a little piece of home.

After we dropped his sister off we began walking through the streets just talking. We’d occasionally touch and hold hands with kisses sprinkled like stars blinking in the night. I knew this wouldn’t last, how could it? This was my exes ex and yet again, someone who didn’t live in America. But as we walked passed window display we began to floor plan a future for us that we would never live. We picked out sofas and rugs and bathtubs and lamps. He promised me a library and a balcony overlooking the ocean, and walls lined with the worlds gaudiest tapestries. We laughed and we kissed and we allowed ourselves to just get lost together. It felt nice, and although I knew none of it was real, it was nice to pretend that it was. It felt so carefree, and I wonder if that’s what love should feel like. If love should feel like kids playing grown up and house.

I asked if he had a special someone back home, and of course, there was someone he had a crush on. His name is Sam, but the way he described him his name might as well have been Aidon part 2. Shaun and Sam had been talking for a few months and Sam wasn’t progressing their relationship. He refused to define it and would rather have kept Shaun in limbo. I know I didn’t know Shaun, but I knew he deserved better than that. Aidon put us through hell, so it made no sense to me that he would allow someone else to make him hide his feelings.

As we got closer to sunrise it was time for the magic to end. We had to wake up and come back to reality and leave behind this romantic fantasy we were playing, but these are the moments that make life feel amazing. Because we were just strangers, but our hearts, they were already friends.

I knew after tonight I wanted to see him again, but were my intentions romantic or friendly? I couldn’t figure it out. Because of course I thought he was attractive, but we also had such a unique story I just wanted to be friends and get to know him more. But despite what I was feeling what was he feeling? Did he think this was as magical and serendipitous as I did or was he a realist and to him this was all just one unmagical coincidence?

Birthday Wish

This past weekend I turned 25. To me, this feels crazy old. I used to think by the time I reached this age all my dreams would have come true. I would have been almost engaged (thank God I’m not), I would have been famous, and I would be filthy rich. I can tell you I am neither of those things. I’m not dating anyone, I can walk down the street without anyone knowing who I am, and I live month to month hoping I make it to the next one. I’m not complaining, I actually really enjoy my life and where it is, it’s just not at all how I imagined it would be at 25.

I hate celebrating birthday’s. To be more specific, I hate celebrating my birthday. I am NOT much of a planner, and if I have to make plans I absolutely dread it. So when it came to this birthday I didn’t want to plan anything so my best friend Kayla took the reigns.

My birthday was on a Sunday so I wanted to do a majority of my activities the day before so we could drink, go out, and just have a shit ton of fun with the weekend. Kayla and I started the celebrations by returning to our old college for the big Homecoming Game. We spent the first part of Saturday just catching up with old friends, running into old enemies, and learning that everyone after graduation just got fat. Thankfully her and I live in LA or I think we would have followed in the weight gain.

After all this she told me we would go get some pizza at my favorite pizza place for dinner before we did what she had planned for me. But when we arrived at the restaurant my friends and family were all there ready to celebrate with me. I had no idea I would see my folks, or any of the people who showed up. It was amazing how close Kayla pays attention to my life and knows what people I think are important enough to celebrate with. I was blown away.

After that we all came back to my apartment, got drunk, and went out to dance the night away. It was the perfect set up for an amazing night, so why did I still feel like something was missing?

I was sad. Through all the celebrating and festivities I felt like I was missing something. To be more specific, I felt like I was missing someone. I wanted a lover. I wanted a boyfriend to celebrate with. And I spent some time just thinking of all the shitty guys who chose to no longer be a part of my journey. Why didn’t I have that lover I thought I would have had by 25? Where was Corbit, and why didn’t he get on that plane after me? Why didn’t my one night stand care to actually know who I am? Why couldn’t I actually hold down a damn boyfriend?

On the day of my actual birthday I wanted to make sure I was in church. I’ve been making sure I have been going to church every time I have a chance, and I absolutely love it. It feels good to dive back into my faith and grow with God again. I miss that spirituality I once had, so it’s nice to find my way back to it. Also my church has a lot of attractive men to stare at, and I would be a liar if I didn’t say that was a motivator for me to go. Hey, I would LOVE to find me a nice church boy. So why not go to where they are? I learn about Jesus and find me a boyfriend, that’s a win win.

The pastor asked us to hold each others hand for prayer and I grabbed my best friends hand and closed my eyes. As he prayed my mind drifted. I was exhausted, hungover, and still trying to process a million emotions that I still had not named. But God pulled me right back in when the pastor said, “You are not alone, you have the person whose hand you are holding.”

And then it hit me. This wave of emotions pulled itself out of my body and streamed down my face in silent tears. He was right,  I wasn’t alone, and I was so mad at myself for not seeing that. I spent so long thinking that romance would make my birthday special when I had some of the greatest friends and love in the world. My best friend literally planned an entire dinner for me, made me personalized snapchat filters, and got everyone together to celebrate me. What more could I possibly want and ask for?

I felt upset at myself, I was mad that I was actually sad over stupid boys who absolutely mean nothing to me. THEY chose to not be a part of my life. I didn’t kick any of them out, wish them ill, or ask them to never speak to me. They found I wasn’t important enough to keep pursuing, and I am okay with that. You can’t change people or convince them to do something. But I refuse to let them affect me and how I go and live my life. I refuse to make decisions based upon their point of views.

I have all the love I need in my life. It may not be coming from who I thought, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have love. I have my friends, I have my family, and most importantly, I have God. I have the greatest family and friends in the entire universe, and I feel so loved. They truly made me feel special.

Mom and Dad, for taking time off work to drive and see me.

Kayla, for planning my entire weekend and loving me through all the heartbreaks.

Dan, for decorating my room with streamers and leaving me with a vase of the most beautiful orange roses.

James, my new roommate who has been nothing but loving and supportive.

And all my friends, who took the time to come out and have fun with me.

25 doesn’t look at all how I imagined. It is so much better, and filled with so much more love. So my birthday wish?

I wish I remember to love those who matter, and have the strength to let go of the ones who don’t.

 

 

Listen to Your Heart

After that night with Corbit, he dropped me back off at Caitlyn’s house. Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck going back to her. She had a melt down when I said I wanted to leave, I just couldn’t imagine how she felt when I didn’t come back all night.

I kissed Corbit goodbye and I went inside. She was obviously upset with me, but their was nothing I could do. What’s done is done, and I didn’t regret my time with him. I was a giddy mess all day. I wanted to see him again, but I didn’t see how that was going to possible. Caitlyn wanted my attention and I owed it to her to spend the rest of my time with her. Corbit was a guy I just met, and it was a great connection to have. Surreal really to be able to connect with someone so deeply and so quickly. But it worried me, was I making these connections so quickly because I desperately wanted to find love? Or were they real? I believe in energy, and maybe my energy was blessed enough to make two wonderful connections in such a short amount of time.

Corbit said he wanted to see me again before I left, so later that day he drove all the way back to Caitlyn’s just to give me a kiss goodbye. I knew Caitlyn would be upset, but it was 2 am and I had just spent the entire day with her. It wouldn’t be such a crime for me to go outside and see him for a bit.

We talked in his car for almost two hours and just sat there listening to music. My heart didn’t know what was happening. I almost felt guilty because, in my mind, this wasn’t supposed to be a serious thing. I thought it would just be a moment. A one night of ecstasy that I would look back and cherish. I didn’t think it could lead to a forever.

Corbit opened up to me about his ex, and how he hasn’t felt anything like what he felt with me in the past 2 years. That scared me. It sounded like he was in love, but looking back, I think he was just excited to finally feel again. After a heartbreak I think we convince ourselves that we will never feel again, so when someone steps in and sparks something, we feel brand new again. That’s what happened when I met with Christopher in D.C. He reignited something inside me that led me to feel again. He made me think, “wow, so this is what it should be like.” And then Corbit stepped in. He came one week later making me feel again, but something inside me cries and begs that he would have come first. And it’s not that I want Christoper over Corbit, I don’t at all. I just wish I didn’t connect with someone else because it makes me question the reality of my connection with Corbit. Again, is it possible to feel something so fast for two different people? I know many of you will say it was lust, and hey maybe it was, but I don’t care how pretty you are if we don’t connect there is no amount of lust that will make me feel emotions for you. And I felt some form of emotion for Corbit, but I couldn’t figure it out. And I was running out of time.

To be continued…

For the Bible Tells Me So

Homosexuality is a hot topic within the Christian faith. It’s one of those issues that doesn’t like to be discussed, and when it is, is quickly shut down. It’s wrong and The Bible says so. That’s about as deep as one will get on the topic, and if you try to fight it you are trying to fight God and His word and that’s wrong. But Jacob once fought God. And Jacob won. 

My church’s college ministry just closed out a series called #selfie. The series dove into peoples testimonies on how they came to the church, and tonights speaker talked about his fight against homosexuality. I knew he was going to give his testimony this night so I made it a point to come; I haven’t been to college group in over a year. I was well received by old friends with many shocked faces, but there I was. I had to be there. I had to hear this “bullshit.” 

I admit that it’s not fair for me to knock this guys story on how he came to God and call it bullshit. If this is his truth I have no right to deny that, but from my perspective he seems fairly misguided. Yet this is approved by the church. It’s approved by the congregation. They seem to like his struggle. 

Mick’s testimony was honestly a bit hard for me to digest. I recorded it on my phone so I could listen back to it later and take some pieces from it to add to my senior show. This is the number 1 reason why I wanted to go. I wanted someone else’s truth to tie into my own. 

He started the sermon by calling his homosexuality a struggle. This is the first thing that already ticked me off. Why is it a struggle? Why must we fight who we are to blend into what the church wants us to be? He brought up the verse 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, and of course he chose a translation that fit perfectly with his point. He almost makes his fight sound like that of an alcoholic or drug addict, that it can be cured. 

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous[a] will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived:neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practise homosexuality,[b]10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Did you catch that? According to the translation he uses, it’s ok to be a homosexual, but you can’t be a “practicing” homosexual. Loving another man as you would a woman would be wrong. It would be a sin to practice this. So instead, you must fight it. Fight the urge to love someone because of their gender.

He went on in his testimony to talk about the fact that he was reaching out to men via craigslist, phone apps, and online chat rooms. He was hooking up with these men and he was being reckless, even stating that he eventually became numb to the whole thing. He then turned it around and said he was acting this way because he struggles with homosexuality. Hold up. So, if you’re gay then you go out and hook up with a lot of men and just live a life without feeling? To me it sounded like he had a sex addiction, and that was his sin. It wasn’t his sexual preference, it’s the actions he took to live out his life sexually. He was being careless, and as a result, that led him to fall into sexual sins such as lust and prostitution. He just happened to prefer the company of men. The fact that he is gay plays no role in his actions. If a straight man lived a life of sexual immorality he wouldn’t look back and blame his sexual orientation. That just makes no sense.

The problem with the way he see’s things is that he believes him being gay led him to act in that manner. That may be true, and if it is, it’s not his fault. We live in a world where being gay is not ok. We like to believe it’s becoming more accepted, but the truth is it’s still really a big no no in society. It’s this fear and being forced into hiding that leads to dangers that can lie in the gay culture and gay world. We force gays into exile, and because this is so stigmatized, individuals are forced into sketchy situations in order to explore themselves. Mick went onto these app’s and chat rooms because he had no one to talk to. No one to turn to to ask questions and seek answers from, but he is not alone. There are many people in his boat. I was one of them. 

Because he couldn’t go public about all this, he had to do it privately. This is a problem. If homosexuality was discussed in schools and within our society we could expose it to the world and people wouldn’t have to live in fear. Individuals wouldn’t have to go into hiding. But because we condemn it in our church and our teachings, people are forced to go to the extreme to self discover and explore their sexuality. If people could be gay and explorative openly it would be safer. It wouldn’t feel like a shameful act, but something normal like dating someone of the opposite sex. You wouldn’t have to look in dark places to meet someone, you could meet them openly and publicly. You could meet them safely. But this is a luxury gays do not have in the world. We are forced to search for light in darkness. 

I believe people turning away from homosexuals is what leads many of those who are gay to fall into sin. If we accepted homosexuality I guarantee most of this won’t be an issue. More gays would find God and sexual immorality will decrease. Yet we call them sinners, so why shouldn’t they become what we portray them as? The American Indians fell into this trap. We always portrayed American Indians in our culture as savages that hurt and abused women, yet that was not who they were as a people. In many American Indian tribes, the abuse of women was unthinkable. It is now, however, stated by the Navajo Times that rape  is the number one crime on Navajo Reservations. It is believed that 80% of the Native woman who were seen at the regional psychiatric service center within a 5 state area had experienced some form of sexual assault. American Indians slowly started to become the very thing we portrayed them as. They started to act like their invaders. As Hitler noted over 50 years ago, If you tell a lie big enough and often enough, it will be believed. We’ve been telling the biggest lie about gays for years.

I could break down the verses for you and explain them all, but this is not the purpose of this post. I am simply writing because I want to raise the concern that we need to change the way we think of homosexuality. Mick concluded his testimony proclaiming that he will struggle for the rest of his life, but he knows that being gay is not something he wants. Like I stated, he doesn’t want sexual immorality, but it’s sad he linked that to sexual preference. 

He currently is in a relationship with a girl he’s been with since 7th grade. She’s been his support system through it all and I think it’s beautiful she stands by his side, but I can’t help but question why? Why does she stay with a man who she knows struggles to stay with her and will always secretly desire someone else? It leads me to believe she has low self esteem and doesn’t think she can get anyone else. Yet, if Mick were turning away from homosexuality because he truly loves this woman and thinks she’s the only person in the world for him, then I think his fight against it is poetic and beautiful. However, if he is simply fighting it because a verse in the bible tells him he is wrong for being gay then he is making a huge mistake. He’s fighting himself for a battle that doesn’t need to be fought. To be someone else for someone else’s sake is the greatest mistake. 

My favorite verse in the bible comes from the book of Ecclesiastes. In Ecclesiastes 7:13 it states that we should accept the way God does things because who can straighten what He has made crooked? To me this is the gay verse. The verse that says we are bent and we are different, but who is to straighten us out when we are meant to be this way. 

I feel sorry for Mick. I feel sorry that as he spoke tonight the congregation praised him when he talked about turning away from what he claimed to be the “gay lifestyle.” I am happy he turned away from his sexual immorality, but I’m disappointed by his claims that that’s a result of sexual preference. It just seems he reinforced the idea that all gays are man whores who sleep around and remain unhappy. I don’t believe any of that and I hope everyone there doesn’t believe it either. Because that’s definitely not who I am, and that was not the road I took on my personal journey. 

Mick never gave himself time to explore his sexuality safely, and if he did, he didn’t share it. He was always looking for sex, but some of us are looking for love. He never gave himself time to try and find happiness with a man because he always had it imbedded that it was a sin and he was wrong. To him being gay equated sex, and that idea is so far from the truth. He also has always had his girlfriend by his side. He has never stepped away from her long enough to know anything else. It’s almost as if he is trapped.

His story is one of the reasons why I want to date someone from my church and share that relationship with the congregation. I want to show my church that there can be healthy relationships between two men. That there can be happiness, wholeness, and even innocence. I want to show them that love is possible, and what they believe about homosexuality is wrong. I want to show them that their views and preconceived notions are false. However, I have no one to explore that journey with. So I think I’ll take that stand on my own. My church is just a small step towards a larger goal I feel I’m called for. I don’t know what it is, but God wants me to take up the topic of homosexuality and Christianity. I can just feel it. I always wanted to start a revolution, and I think this is it. 

Mick made the claim that he isn’t gay and that that wasn’t his identity. His identity is that he is Mick and that’s what he wants to be known as. When he made this statement the congregation cheered. They supported his individuality. But I think he got it wrong. At least for me, being gayis who I am. Yes it’s just a part of who I am, but it’s a part that I wouldn’t mind being identified as. The reason why? Because it’s a linkage to this identity that makes me have a fight. Being gay makes me a part of something that is bigger than myself. I am not just Kev. I am a crucial member of a movement for the equality of love.

Dating 101

Being gay is hard. Being gay and christian is even harder. Being gay, christian, and wanting to date, is damn near impossible. Not only is it hard to meet other gay christians, it’s hard to meet other gay’s in general. Granted, I could go to West Hollywood and find them, but those aren’t the type of gays I want to date. I’m single and ready to mingle, and I was confident enough and ready to make the next step. Dating a boy.

I decided to try Grindr. Not the best place to find someone to date. All I found were dirty old men wanting to get down for a quickie. No thanks. I also got a lot of invites to come over and have sex. These people didn’t even want to know my name, they just wanted a body to fuck. Again, no thanks.

Since Grindr was a bust, I decided to try a different approach. Official online dating. I hopped on this site named OkCupid and made a profile. This was a total success. I started talking to guys right away, and they were normal, young, attractive men. I hit the jackpot. I don’t like communicating online for too long, so I always try to meet up for a date as soon as I can. I also always try to get them to ask ME out.

After scanning through profiles I stumbled upon one guy named Mo. I scanned through his photos and read his profile. He was a very outdoorsy guy who loved adventure. Perfect. I shot him a message and he responded. He then invited me to go hiking.

Whoa.

I didn’t know this guy. How do I know he wasn’t going to take me to the mountains to rape and murder me? I didn’t, but how do you think I responded?

“Sure that sounds like fun let’s go!”

Yeah I was totally down to go. I thought it would have been fun and I could have gotten some exercise out of it. Plus I would of showed off my new recent crossfit skills. I wanted to make a good impression.

We planned to go out on a Sunday and I said I wold drive to his house so he could drive us up there. Looking back on all this this was probably not the smartest thing to do if you meet someone online. He really could have turned out to be dangerous, but thank god he wasn’t. Note to everyone reading this though, be careful who you meet online.

He texted me later on in the week to tell me the trail he wanted to take me on was on fire, so I suggested we go to the beach. Thank the trail heavens because I was not down to wake up at 5 am to drive to his house to go on a hike.

So I met Mo in person and I really took a liking to him. I’ll be honest and say I didn’t feel a connection upon first glance, but after spending a day with him I knew he was something special.

I first knew he was special when we were eating lunch at my families restaurant. We were sitting outside and he asked me what I wanted to do with acting. I simply replied, “I want to do it all,” and immediately he starts singing the song I Want It All from High School Musical 3. My heart skipped a beat. Was this manly man actually singing my favorite song from High School Musical?

He was also the first boy to EVER ask if he could kiss me. Again I was taken by surprise. Did he seriously just ask if he could kiss me? Of course he could! But I took a moment, looked him in the eye, and mumbled the word “yes.”

It all started after I had spent the whole night at a kickback which he and his “family,” aka roommates, call Sunday Funday. The night was super fun! I played beer pong with his roommate, someone I immediately developed a best friend crush on. He was totally awesome and drank all the beer because I hate it.

After the party had died down and everyone had left, I was sitting on the pool table waiting to help Mo clean. He then brought out this ukulele and started showing me how to play it. It was like a freaking movie. He grabbed my hands and put them on the proper chords, showing me what was a G or F or whatever. I didn’t care and I wasn’t really listening. All I could think was, “Kevin hide your boner with the ukulele.”

We then made eye contact and he went in for the kill, yet he stopped and backed up. I immediately felt embarrassed, so I just started strumming the ukulele like an idiot thinking, “la de da la de da play a chord do I have bad breath just keep playing act like nothing happened.”

I can’t really remember what happened next, but we got on the subject of my poetry and he wanted to hear it. The only recording I had of my poetry was a poem I wrote about a boy who broke my heart. It was not a “first date subject matter” poem so I told him “no.” He then simply replied “ok.” Wait what? He really just gave up that easy? I wanted him to hear it, but I wanted him to fight for it. Work towards it. So I told him, “You give up to easily,” hoping to rattle his cage. It worked because eventually I showed him the poem.

While I played the recording of the poem he was very quiet and he was listening intently. His eyes also looked teary eyed, but maybe that’s just my imagination wanting this moment in time to seem more badass. After the recording finished he got very serious and told me, “You are very talented and that poem was very good.” He then asked why I hadn’t shared it with more people and the obvious answer is because, well, I would have to out myself. I’m not down for that right now.

After small talk about my poem he looked me in the eye and then asked, all serious, “can I kiss you?” He kissed me and I kissed him back. Yes I know what you’re thinking, “Really? A kiss on the first date?” Um hello if you were in this situation and things were going down the same way, you would have kissed him too. It was perfect. He was a total gentlemen and I adored every second of it. He threw me down on the pool table and the make out that proceeded was hot. How many of you can say you’ve made out on top of a pool table? That’s right.

He then walked me to my car and stood outside until I drove away. Let’s just say I drove away breathless. Did all that really just happen? I was so shocked because I went on a date just that Friday and the guys idea of a fun time was trying to get me drunk and then trying to kiss me. But this, this was something special.

That was date/hangout 1. So far we’ve had 4. I’ll be blunt. I’m terrified. I never understood why people shut out the people they like in fear of getting hurt, but it makes so much sense to me now. Date 4, the most recent, Is the whole reason I started writing this little saga.

Mo and I are very different. He literally takes everything second by second, and here I am thinking way ahead. I’ve already thought about, if things go well, spending thanksgiving and christmas with him. That’s freaking like 6 months away, but I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about him and I dating, and he being my first boyfriend and I his. I don’t think any of those thoughts have crossed his mind. It drives me insane because he’s an open book yet he’s very hard to read. It’s like trying to read Arabic, it’s beautiful, but I have no clue what it says.

So on my dates with him I’ve slowly begun picking his brain about relationships. Let me be honest and first say that I am sometimes too honest with my feelings. I say things that I know should not be said, but I hate this whole love game thing. It’s awful and drives me insane. Thank God Mo is different, because I think I may have, by this point, scared off someone sane.

I can be so damn insecure. I always need validation or some form of affirmation. It’s my love language. I want to be affirmed I’m doing something right. I want to be assured that someone likes me. Mo is not like that. He doesn’t tell people he appreciates them because he assumes they know. Not me. Hell, I still don’t even believe he likes me, but that’s just my insecurities.

Also he’s not a texter. I, on the other hand, am an avid texter. Daily communication with the person I like is very important to me. I want to know they want to talk to me and that they desire to have me be around them. I want to know about their day and what’s happening in their lives. I like texting because It shows I’m on their mind. He doesn’t text, so this is something I’m starting to get used to. But I’ll be honest and say I wish he would just initiate a text. Should I assume he’s thinking of me?

When I like someone I also try really hard to get them to like me. I sorta act like a chameleon and blend into what they like. This is a total turn off to Mo. He wants someone to be an individual. Stand on their own. I’m my own too, but I want “my own” to be what he likes.

For example, I literally bought a hoodie because he really likes them and I wore it on date 3. I arrived at his house hoping he would say something about it and compliment me for it. He goes, “I really like your boots!”  Yeah I like my boots too, but that’s not what I was trying to impress you with.

He’s never officially dated someone so that leaves me feeling confident and scared. Will I be the first one he chooses to call his, or will I just be another statistic of someone who fell for him but he chose not to date? And the fact that he doesn’t look beyond the day he’s on drives me nuts. He says he takes time to get to know someone, to feel them out before he decides he likes them or not. I am the absolute opposite. I can fall for someone after 1 meeting and know I like them. I don’t know, I’m so passionate about love, I don’t think it has to be a long complicated process. I don’t need time. I just need commitment once I make up my mind. My attitude is, “Let’s do this!”

Much like my broken hearted poem situation, Mo has his own similar situation. I finally asked if I could see a picture of this guy Mo had hurt in return for me showing him a picture of my ex girlfriend. This guy Mo showed me was super attractive and I was shocked. I don’t know why I thought he would be ugly, but I did. This just goes to prove that I’m a little shallow. I thought Mo rejected him based on looks, but after seeing him, even I felt ugly.

But let me go on and talk about date 4. I’ve never been so self conscious and embarrassed than I did on this date. I put a lot of effort into planning it. I literally sat in Barnes and Noble looking at LA tourism books to see the most fun things to do. It’s a little obvious now that I care about making a good impression to him.

The plan for the date was church, museum, and then food. Unfortunately the main pastor at my church was not preaching so I opted we skip it. We headed straight for LACMA, and to be quite honest the art was “eh.” It pained me because the whole time I was walking around I wanted to hold his hand. I just wanted to be close to him.

Let me discuss my thing with PDA. I don’t think I could do it full out, but there are some things I would like to do. I would like to be able to hold someones hand for a few seconds, or I would like a quick kiss. Nothing big, but just enough to show me they want to touch me as much as I want to touch them. However, every time I think about trying that with Mo I feel like he doesn’t want it so I don’t attempt. However, that could just be my very active method of over thinking.

We left LACMA and headed straight over to my favorite restaurant called All About The Bread. I ordered my usual meatball sub and he decided between the House sandwich or Mafia. The Mafia had nuts so I told him to go with the House. Once he said “why?” I had to awkwardly explain that if he got nuts I would not be able to kiss him. It didn’t matter because we didn’t even kiss on this date, however, he got the House.

At lunch we discussed something that was so simple to me, but so weird for him. The idea of who pays for who on dates. I told him it’s old fashioned, but the guy will always pay for the girl. He looked at me like I was crazy. Was I? That’s what I had always learned. I then explained that with two guys I assume they switch off. He assumed everyone just paid for themselves. That’s weird for me. If I’m asked out I assume they pay. I mean they asked ME out. It’s pretty basic in my mind.

After lunch we headed over to the Museum of Death. Dear god I saw things in there I wish I could wipe from my mind. It was gruesome, and I never felt so afraid of serial killers. There are some crazy ass people out there.

After that museum we headed to Honey Boba. We finished all our events long before I thought we would, and we had some extra time to kill before he had to leave for Sunday Funday. This is the part of the story where I literally threw my face in my arms on a table in sheer embarrassment.

Boba was delicious, as always, and we sat at a table and talked more about relationships and fears. It was a good conversation, yet I felt like I was treading water. I didn’t want to say something to cause me to drown.

Like I said earlier, I am a very open person who may talk and say a little too much. This was one of those moments.

He asked me what my fear in relationships were and I took this as an opportune time to be vulnerable and honest. “Why not?” I thought. Honesty is the best policy.

“Rejection,” I said, “My biggest fear is rejection, but I feel like that’s everyones fear.”

I said it. The number 1 thing I was afraid of. He then looks at me dead in the eyes and responds with,

“Can I go pee?”

Here I was about to get deep and he asks me if he could pee? Let’s just say I wasn’t expecting it.

Upon returning from the bathroom he and I continued our conversation. He asked what about rejection scared me and I told him, and then  we talked about it. I was being open and vulnerable. I was laying my heart out there for him to see, and I expected him to be soft in responding.

He got very serious and tells me, “You should probably never say that to someone you are dating ever again.”

“Oh?” was my first thought.

I felt like an idiot. I’ve never before felt the way I did in that moment. So many emotions rushed through me. Anger, fear, stupidity, anxiousness, and a bit of sadness. Did I just scare him away from me?

He continued.

“It’s because it adds a lot of pressure to the person you’re dating.”

I literally hid my face in embarrassment. I thought this was it, I totally fucked up. I ruined something that was going so smooth, or at least I thought it was. He then starts laughing at me. He thought it was adorable I got so embarrassed.

“I’ve never made anyone that embarrassed!” he remarked.

Overall, I didn’t scare him. I immediately asked if what I said made a difference and he said, “No, but then I’m not like everyone else.”

Let me break this down for you. I’m not afraid of someone not liking me. I know not everyone is going to like me. Someone once told me they weren’t attracted to me because I wasn’t toned enough and I looked too hispanic. Really? I got over it. I thought it was hilarious because he wasn’t even good looking.

What I’m really afraid of is liking someone, investing time and feelings, and then having it all be in vain. That’s what I’m afraid of. See I know I’m ready to commit to the person I like because it takes a lot for me to like someone. I don’t just give my heart out to anyone who might want it. It’s rare for me to genuinely have feelings for someone. People would often joke, “Everyone likes Kevin, but Kevin doesn’t like anyone.” It’s true.

After boba, that whole scene just became a joke between us. We turned my embarrassment and his comment into something to laugh about. I’m glad to know he was just trying to offer advice to look out for me, however, I don’t want to talk with him about what I should do if I’m dating other people. In this moment, right now, I don’t want to date other people. I want to date him.

Mo is teaching me a lot. Because he is so different than me, I’m learning more and more about myself. For one, I over think EVERYTHING. Here I am thinking too much and here he is barely thinking at all. My mind is about 20 years ahead in thoughts than his. It’s not bad, but it’s just different. I could really learn to relax and to have patience from going out with him. I hope he’s learning from me just as much as I am learning from him.

He shared with me two fears. One fear he has is me not liking him. Oh does this sound familiar to my rejection fear? Yeah he caught himself in that one. His other fear is me liking him too much too soon. Those are very opposing fears to have. I probably do like him more than he likes me, but I’m not going to tell him that nor will I do anything to show it. He just doesn’t want someone to reach, what I think love, before he does.

Overall I don’t know where him and I stand, but if things keep going the way they are, I know where we will fall. I think we’re headed towards a relationship. To be quite honest, I am totally down with that. I thought I would be scared to have a boyfriend. To have to come out, but when you meet someone you really like that fear dissolves. When you’re with someone you truly care about it doesn’t matter what others say or think. At least that’s how it is for me. I would gladly and proudly tell people, “Hey! This is my boyfriend.” I don’t know, it just wouldn’t bother me. It does help he’s super masculine though. I really do like that quality. He’s a manly man, but he also loves musicals. It’s literally the perfect blend.

I can easily decipher how I feel, but I can’t solve him. He’s like the ISIS puzzle thats sits in a box on my dresser. A beautifully designed puzzle that is damn near impossible to open. I bet it’s his simplicity that confuses me. My thinking is complex and intricate, and his is probably straight forward and logical. Hell I sound like the woman in this whole damn equation.

So that’s all I have to say about my adventures with Mo and dating thus far. Oh Mo is not his real name by the way. I decided not to use it just in case he didn’t want me to use his real name. Mo is a little nickname people use for him. I would never use it in person, but for the sake of this, it fits well.

In conclusion, I’m no longer worried about what he thinks of me. I’ve tried so hard to mold into what he likes, but I also need to show him what I like. He needs to make sacrifices just as much as I am. Relationships are about give and take, and if he and I are to have a successful one, he needs to give too. He is though, so I don’t want y’all to think he’s not, but I need to stop being so scared to voice my side of things or how I feel. I also always need to remember the Universal Truth of Dating. Thousands will want me and millions won’t. Mo is just 1 of thousands, so why worry?

I’m not going to.

I look forward to our next date because I’m not going to over think, stress, or worry. I’m just going to have fun. That sounds nice.

Oh, and relaxing.