Being gay is hard. Being gay and christian is even harder. Being gay, christian, and wanting to date, is damn near impossible. Not only is it hard to meet other gay christians, it’s hard to meet other gay’s in general. Granted, I could go to West Hollywood and find them, but those aren’t the type of gays I want to date. I’m single and ready to mingle, and I was confident enough and ready to make the next step. Dating a boy.
I decided to try Grindr. Not the best place to find someone to date. All I found were dirty old men wanting to get down for a quickie. No thanks. I also got a lot of invites to come over and have sex. These people didn’t even want to know my name, they just wanted a body to fuck. Again, no thanks.
Since Grindr was a bust, I decided to try a different approach. Official online dating. I hopped on this site named OkCupid and made a profile. This was a total success. I started talking to guys right away, and they were normal, young, attractive men. I hit the jackpot. I don’t like communicating online for too long, so I always try to meet up for a date as soon as I can. I also always try to get them to ask ME out.
After scanning through profiles I stumbled upon one guy named Mo. I scanned through his photos and read his profile. He was a very outdoorsy guy who loved adventure. Perfect. I shot him a message and he responded. He then invited me to go hiking.
I didn’t know this guy. How do I know he wasn’t going to take me to the mountains to rape and murder me? I didn’t, but how do you think I responded?
“Sure that sounds like fun let’s go!”
Yeah I was totally down to go. I thought it would have been fun and I could have gotten some exercise out of it. Plus I would of showed off my new recent crossfit skills. I wanted to make a good impression.
We planned to go out on a Sunday and I said I wold drive to his house so he could drive us up there. Looking back on all this this was probably not the smartest thing to do if you meet someone online. He really could have turned out to be dangerous, but thank god he wasn’t. Note to everyone reading this though, be careful who you meet online.
He texted me later on in the week to tell me the trail he wanted to take me on was on fire, so I suggested we go to the beach. Thank the trail heavens because I was not down to wake up at 5 am to drive to his house to go on a hike.
So I met Mo in person and I really took a liking to him. I’ll be honest and say I didn’t feel a connection upon first glance, but after spending a day with him I knew he was something special.
I first knew he was special when we were eating lunch at my families restaurant. We were sitting outside and he asked me what I wanted to do with acting. I simply replied, “I want to do it all,” and immediately he starts singing the song I Want It All from High School Musical 3. My heart skipped a beat. Was this manly man actually singing my favorite song from High School Musical?
He was also the first boy to EVER ask if he could kiss me. Again I was taken by surprise. Did he seriously just ask if he could kiss me? Of course he could! But I took a moment, looked him in the eye, and mumbled the word “yes.”
It all started after I had spent the whole night at a kickback which he and his “family,” aka roommates, call Sunday Funday. The night was super fun! I played beer pong with his roommate, someone I immediately developed a best friend crush on. He was totally awesome and drank all the beer because I hate it.
After the party had died down and everyone had left, I was sitting on the pool table waiting to help Mo clean. He then brought out this ukulele and started showing me how to play it. It was like a freaking movie. He grabbed my hands and put them on the proper chords, showing me what was a G or F or whatever. I didn’t care and I wasn’t really listening. All I could think was, “Kevin hide your boner with the ukulele.”
We then made eye contact and he went in for the kill, yet he stopped and backed up. I immediately felt embarrassed, so I just started strumming the ukulele like an idiot thinking, “la de da la de da play a chord do I have bad breath just keep playing act like nothing happened.”
I can’t really remember what happened next, but we got on the subject of my poetry and he wanted to hear it. The only recording I had of my poetry was a poem I wrote about a boy who broke my heart. It was not a “first date subject matter” poem so I told him “no.” He then simply replied “ok.” Wait what? He really just gave up that easy? I wanted him to hear it, but I wanted him to fight for it. Work towards it. So I told him, “You give up to easily,” hoping to rattle his cage. It worked because eventually I showed him the poem.
While I played the recording of the poem he was very quiet and he was listening intently. His eyes also looked teary eyed, but maybe that’s just my imagination wanting this moment in time to seem more badass. After the recording finished he got very serious and told me, “You are very talented and that poem was very good.” He then asked why I hadn’t shared it with more people and the obvious answer is because, well, I would have to out myself. I’m not down for that right now.
After small talk about my poem he looked me in the eye and then asked, all serious, “can I kiss you?” He kissed me and I kissed him back. Yes I know what you’re thinking, “Really? A kiss on the first date?” Um hello if you were in this situation and things were going down the same way, you would have kissed him too. It was perfect. He was a total gentlemen and I adored every second of it. He threw me down on the pool table and the make out that proceeded was hot. How many of you can say you’ve made out on top of a pool table? That’s right.
He then walked me to my car and stood outside until I drove away. Let’s just say I drove away breathless. Did all that really just happen? I was so shocked because I went on a date just that Friday and the guys idea of a fun time was trying to get me drunk and then trying to kiss me. But this, this was something special.
That was date/hangout 1. So far we’ve had 4. I’ll be blunt. I’m terrified. I never understood why people shut out the people they like in fear of getting hurt, but it makes so much sense to me now. Date 4, the most recent, Is the whole reason I started writing this little saga.
Mo and I are very different. He literally takes everything second by second, and here I am thinking way ahead. I’ve already thought about, if things go well, spending thanksgiving and christmas with him. That’s freaking like 6 months away, but I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about him and I dating, and he being my first boyfriend and I his. I don’t think any of those thoughts have crossed his mind. It drives me insane because he’s an open book yet he’s very hard to read. It’s like trying to read Arabic, it’s beautiful, but I have no clue what it says.
So on my dates with him I’ve slowly begun picking his brain about relationships. Let me be honest and first say that I am sometimes too honest with my feelings. I say things that I know should not be said, but I hate this whole love game thing. It’s awful and drives me insane. Thank God Mo is different, because I think I may have, by this point, scared off someone sane.
I can be so damn insecure. I always need validation or some form of affirmation. It’s my love language. I want to be affirmed I’m doing something right. I want to be assured that someone likes me. Mo is not like that. He doesn’t tell people he appreciates them because he assumes they know. Not me. Hell, I still don’t even believe he likes me, but that’s just my insecurities.
Also he’s not a texter. I, on the other hand, am an avid texter. Daily communication with the person I like is very important to me. I want to know they want to talk to me and that they desire to have me be around them. I want to know about their day and what’s happening in their lives. I like texting because It shows I’m on their mind. He doesn’t text, so this is something I’m starting to get used to. But I’ll be honest and say I wish he would just initiate a text. Should I assume he’s thinking of me?
When I like someone I also try really hard to get them to like me. I sorta act like a chameleon and blend into what they like. This is a total turn off to Mo. He wants someone to be an individual. Stand on their own. I’m my own too, but I want “my own” to be what he likes.
For example, I literally bought a hoodie because he really likes them and I wore it on date 3. I arrived at his house hoping he would say something about it and compliment me for it. He goes, “I really like your boots!” Yeah I like my boots too, but that’s not what I was trying to impress you with.
He’s never officially dated someone so that leaves me feeling confident and scared. Will I be the first one he chooses to call his, or will I just be another statistic of someone who fell for him but he chose not to date? And the fact that he doesn’t look beyond the day he’s on drives me nuts. He says he takes time to get to know someone, to feel them out before he decides he likes them or not. I am the absolute opposite. I can fall for someone after 1 meeting and know I like them. I don’t know, I’m so passionate about love, I don’t think it has to be a long complicated process. I don’t need time. I just need commitment once I make up my mind. My attitude is, “Let’s do this!”
Much like my broken hearted poem situation, Mo has his own similar situation. I finally asked if I could see a picture of this guy Mo had hurt in return for me showing him a picture of my ex girlfriend. This guy Mo showed me was super attractive and I was shocked. I don’t know why I thought he would be ugly, but I did. This just goes to prove that I’m a little shallow. I thought Mo rejected him based on looks, but after seeing him, even I felt ugly.
But let me go on and talk about date 4. I’ve never been so self conscious and embarrassed than I did on this date. I put a lot of effort into planning it. I literally sat in Barnes and Noble looking at LA tourism books to see the most fun things to do. It’s a little obvious now that I care about making a good impression to him.
The plan for the date was church, museum, and then food. Unfortunately the main pastor at my church was not preaching so I opted we skip it. We headed straight for LACMA, and to be quite honest the art was “eh.” It pained me because the whole time I was walking around I wanted to hold his hand. I just wanted to be close to him.
Let me discuss my thing with PDA. I don’t think I could do it full out, but there are some things I would like to do. I would like to be able to hold someones hand for a few seconds, or I would like a quick kiss. Nothing big, but just enough to show me they want to touch me as much as I want to touch them. However, every time I think about trying that with Mo I feel like he doesn’t want it so I don’t attempt. However, that could just be my very active method of over thinking.
We left LACMA and headed straight over to my favorite restaurant called All About The Bread. I ordered my usual meatball sub and he decided between the House sandwich or Mafia. The Mafia had nuts so I told him to go with the House. Once he said “why?” I had to awkwardly explain that if he got nuts I would not be able to kiss him. It didn’t matter because we didn’t even kiss on this date, however, he got the House.
At lunch we discussed something that was so simple to me, but so weird for him. The idea of who pays for who on dates. I told him it’s old fashioned, but the guy will always pay for the girl. He looked at me like I was crazy. Was I? That’s what I had always learned. I then explained that with two guys I assume they switch off. He assumed everyone just paid for themselves. That’s weird for me. If I’m asked out I assume they pay. I mean they asked ME out. It’s pretty basic in my mind.
After lunch we headed over to the Museum of Death. Dear god I saw things in there I wish I could wipe from my mind. It was gruesome, and I never felt so afraid of serial killers. There are some crazy ass people out there.
After that museum we headed to Honey Boba. We finished all our events long before I thought we would, and we had some extra time to kill before he had to leave for Sunday Funday. This is the part of the story where I literally threw my face in my arms on a table in sheer embarrassment.
Boba was delicious, as always, and we sat at a table and talked more about relationships and fears. It was a good conversation, yet I felt like I was treading water. I didn’t want to say something to cause me to drown.
Like I said earlier, I am a very open person who may talk and say a little too much. This was one of those moments.
He asked me what my fear in relationships were and I took this as an opportune time to be vulnerable and honest. “Why not?” I thought. Honesty is the best policy.
“Rejection,” I said, “My biggest fear is rejection, but I feel like that’s everyones fear.”
I said it. The number 1 thing I was afraid of. He then looks at me dead in the eyes and responds with,
“Can I go pee?”
Here I was about to get deep and he asks me if he could pee? Let’s just say I wasn’t expecting it.
Upon returning from the bathroom he and I continued our conversation. He asked what about rejection scared me and I told him, and then we talked about it. I was being open and vulnerable. I was laying my heart out there for him to see, and I expected him to be soft in responding.
He got very serious and tells me, “You should probably never say that to someone you are dating ever again.”
“Oh?” was my first thought.
I felt like an idiot. I’ve never before felt the way I did in that moment. So many emotions rushed through me. Anger, fear, stupidity, anxiousness, and a bit of sadness. Did I just scare him away from me?
“It’s because it adds a lot of pressure to the person you’re dating.”
I literally hid my face in embarrassment. I thought this was it, I totally fucked up. I ruined something that was going so smooth, or at least I thought it was. He then starts laughing at me. He thought it was adorable I got so embarrassed.
“I’ve never made anyone that embarrassed!” he remarked.
Overall, I didn’t scare him. I immediately asked if what I said made a difference and he said, “No, but then I’m not like everyone else.”
Let me break this down for you. I’m not afraid of someone not liking me. I know not everyone is going to like me. Someone once told me they weren’t attracted to me because I wasn’t toned enough and I looked too hispanic. Really? I got over it. I thought it was hilarious because he wasn’t even good looking.
What I’m really afraid of is liking someone, investing time and feelings, and then having it all be in vain. That’s what I’m afraid of. See I know I’m ready to commit to the person I like because it takes a lot for me to like someone. I don’t just give my heart out to anyone who might want it. It’s rare for me to genuinely have feelings for someone. People would often joke, “Everyone likes Kevin, but Kevin doesn’t like anyone.” It’s true.
After boba, that whole scene just became a joke between us. We turned my embarrassment and his comment into something to laugh about. I’m glad to know he was just trying to offer advice to look out for me, however, I don’t want to talk with him about what I should do if I’m dating other people. In this moment, right now, I don’t want to date other people. I want to date him.
Mo is teaching me a lot. Because he is so different than me, I’m learning more and more about myself. For one, I over think EVERYTHING. Here I am thinking too much and here he is barely thinking at all. My mind is about 20 years ahead in thoughts than his. It’s not bad, but it’s just different. I could really learn to relax and to have patience from going out with him. I hope he’s learning from me just as much as I am learning from him.
He shared with me two fears. One fear he has is me not liking him. Oh does this sound familiar to my rejection fear? Yeah he caught himself in that one. His other fear is me liking him too much too soon. Those are very opposing fears to have. I probably do like him more than he likes me, but I’m not going to tell him that nor will I do anything to show it. He just doesn’t want someone to reach, what I think love, before he does.
Overall I don’t know where him and I stand, but if things keep going the way they are, I know where we will fall. I think we’re headed towards a relationship. To be quite honest, I am totally down with that. I thought I would be scared to have a boyfriend. To have to come out, but when you meet someone you really like that fear dissolves. When you’re with someone you truly care about it doesn’t matter what others say or think. At least that’s how it is for me. I would gladly and proudly tell people, “Hey! This is my boyfriend.” I don’t know, it just wouldn’t bother me. It does help he’s super masculine though. I really do like that quality. He’s a manly man, but he also loves musicals. It’s literally the perfect blend.
I can easily decipher how I feel, but I can’t solve him. He’s like the ISIS puzzle thats sits in a box on my dresser. A beautifully designed puzzle that is damn near impossible to open. I bet it’s his simplicity that confuses me. My thinking is complex and intricate, and his is probably straight forward and logical. Hell I sound like the woman in this whole damn equation.
So that’s all I have to say about my adventures with Mo and dating thus far. Oh Mo is not his real name by the way. I decided not to use it just in case he didn’t want me to use his real name. Mo is a little nickname people use for him. I would never use it in person, but for the sake of this, it fits well.
In conclusion, I’m no longer worried about what he thinks of me. I’ve tried so hard to mold into what he likes, but I also need to show him what I like. He needs to make sacrifices just as much as I am. Relationships are about give and take, and if he and I are to have a successful one, he needs to give too. He is though, so I don’t want y’all to think he’s not, but I need to stop being so scared to voice my side of things or how I feel. I also always need to remember the Universal Truth of Dating. Thousands will want me and millions won’t. Mo is just 1 of thousands, so why worry?
I’m not going to.
I look forward to our next date because I’m not going to over think, stress, or worry. I’m just going to have fun. That sounds nice.
Oh, and relaxing.