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Some of the stuff that happens to me I couldn’t make up even if I wanted to. I have a wild imagination, but the things I experience in my daily life sometimes exceed my creativity. Have you ever done something so embarrassing you want to hide under a rock for the rest of your life, change your name, and move to a whole new city and start again? Today, for me, is that day.

There’s a guy I know and from time to time we will send each other sexy snaps. Risqué stuff that’ll disappear after a few seconds. It’s like interactive porn, and it keeps life interesting. Okay, maybe it sounds disgusting to some people, but I’m not one for random hook ups so this is as close as I’ll get. I never show my face. Never anything that could link me to it. I’m a young horny guy, can you blame me?

Well, I decided to send one to him today all casual thinking absolutely nothing of it. It wasn’t until it was sending that I realized the name of the person I was sending it to was not the name of the guy it was meant for. Oh no, I had just sent a video of my dick to my ex boyfriends best friend.

I’m not making this shit up people, this is my life, and sometimes I swear God is up there laughing.

I immediately panicked and thought if I blocked him on Snapchat it would disappear. So I block him and start googling if that would fix the issue, and guess what ladies and gents, it doesn’t. The only way to delete a snap is to completely delete your account before they open it. I didn’t have that kind of time, and I also didn’t have that information before I did what happened next.

I immediately called his best friend, and it wasn’t weird because in the last few weeks we’ve become snapchat best friends and talked often. He answered the phone and I told him to immediately delete the snap. He was at work so he was casually trying to get me off the phone, but I had to make sure that snap disappeared before he saw it and ran to my ex saying I sent him a video of my penis. He said he would figure out a way to delete it but he had to go, and I demanded he do it now while I was on the phone with him. He said he would open it and click out, and I agreed that was probably best but he couldn’t look at it and he had to do it while I was on the phone. He asked what it was and I lied and just said it was a video of me but I looked extremely ugly and I couldn’t be seen like that. He said he took care of it and I hung up, but since I blocked him I could no longer see if he opened it or if he just told me he did. He’s Shay’s best friend, so naturally his loyalty will lie with him. And if he did see it, he’s going to tell him, and then Shay will tell his roommates and I will forever be known as the whore who sent risqué videos to people on snapchat. That will be total turn off to him, and I know it shouldn’t matter, but that means I will never EVER get him back. Also it’s just fucking embarrassing.

I’m still panicking, and I’m contemplating deleting my entire snapchat to just make sure every trace of that video is gone forever. But doing that would mean I have to start over, and I’ve made some great connections already that I don’t want to let go of. And it would be an entire process of adding people all over again, and bleh, I’m not down for that.

If he did see, well then that’s going to make a funny story. If he didn’t, that saves me the embarrassment and makes me very happy. Either way, what’s done is done. All I can do now is laugh about it and move on with my life. I don’t think I’m unlucky. I think I’m just in my twenties and trying to figure everything out. I’m going to make a lot of mistakes, but I also think I’m going to do a lot of things right. And one day, the right thing is going to work out at the right time. Just how many more mistakes will that take? The world may never know.

Maybe He Was Right?

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I think I like to pretend I understand love, but sometimes I question if that is even true. Love, to me, has been this thing I have alway strived for. It’s what I always wanted, so I started to give it freely and easily to anyone who stuck around long enough to make me feel it. Were they deserving of my love? No. But they made me feel incredible things, and the only way I knew how to express that was with the words, “I love you.”

I was once told I fall in love too easily, and at the time, that greatly offended me. I don’t think anyone wants to be told their love comes easy. But I think it’s true, and everything inside myself doesn’t want it to be. So I’ve begun to ask myself, what is love, and why do I keep thinking I have found it? And honestly, maybe I have. Maybe I have stumbled on parts of love and confused it for the whole thing. But I know in my heart I haven’t found that crazy wild love. The one that connects to the soul and makes you believe there is no one else in this world made for you. The one that rocks your world in both body and spirit. The one that inspires you and pushes you to grow. The one you just couldn’t possibly live without. That’s the love I’m always looking for when I say “I love you,” but that’s not the love that has been receiving those words. And that is what upsets me. I’m upset that I have abused the one thing I thought I was always keeping sacred. I have been giving my heart to freely, and just because someone asks for it, doesn’t mean they deserve it.

My goal for my next relationship, whomever that might be with, is to not push love. I’m not going to give my heart away just to have it returned back to me when they decide they no longer want it. No, the next time I say I love you it’s going to be for that wild love. The one that deserves to be loved will be the one that gets my love. I know it sounds like common sense, but sometimes the most basic and simple tasks take the most overthinking.

Small World or Just Shitty Luck!

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The way I handle breakups might not be the best way. I usually immediately hop back onto dating apps to see what my options are. I’m not looking for a hook up, I’m just merely using it to remind myself that there are others out there. That I shouldn’t worry it didn’t work out with one boy when it could so easily work with someone else, and online apps are the perfect tools to show me all my potential suitors. The problem with this, however, is it gets me wrapped up in conversations with people I am not ready to date. This hinders me from spending time with myself to grow as a person, and I feel like the time I need after this break up is crucial. Who is Kevin, because that is what I’m trying to essentially find out.

I can tell you right now I handled this break up the same as all the others. I’ve started talking to new guys, but my heart is not even remotely in it. I’m using this opportunity to connect with people to become friends, and every time I meet up with someone from tinder or bumble, I just end up talking about my ex and the break up. This is something you should NEVER do if you’re seriously trying to move on and date other people, but let this be a sign that I am not ready to be emotionally intimate with anyone.

The day before my breakup with Shay, I went out with my friends dancing and drinking. I invited him out to join us, but he said he was feeling sick and wanted me to go have fun. I offered to stay in with him, but he was very insistent I go and hang with friends. While out dancing, this boy kept staring at me and he looked vaguely familiar so I approached him. We started chatting, I found out his name was Drew, and I told him I had a boyfriend. I assumed he would just leave, but we kept talking and he said he was new in town and needed friends as well so I thought, “Yeah! I just moved too and I also need friends.” So we exchanged numbers, hung out with my friends for a bit, and then parted ways. He texted me later saying he’d love to hangout as friends one day and that was that.

Few weeks after the break up with Shay I see Drew’s OkCupid profile and it says we’re like a 90% match. I texted him saying that according to science we would be a good pair, and that led to us talking and him asking about my ex and me discussing the breakup. We agreed to meet up soon for lunch and then just chatted a bit more about love and loss.

We eventually agreed to meet up at this really cool bar/club in Silverlake, so he went out dancing with his roommates and I brought my best friend along too. We all had a good time, and at the end of the night, I decided to invite him to come home with me. I don’t know why. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could be intimate with someone else? But when he came over all I felt was a sense of guilt and I could only think of Shay. Drew ended up staying the night and one thing led to another. I will clarify now that we did not have sex. But we got intimate in a way I haven’t been with anyone since Shay, and that was plenty for me.

Part of me wanted Drew out of my apartment, another part of me kept saying, “Shay dumped you stop feeling guilty!” So the following morning Drew turns to me, wishes me Happy Valentine’s day, and then we just lay in bed talking for a bit. This is where the story gets really interesting.

While laying in bed Drew asks me if I have an instagram. I told him it’s what I use to express myself with my poetry, and I hand him my phone to look at it. While he’s scrolling through my phone he stops at a picture of my ex and goes, “Shay is your ex?” My heart immediately drops to my stomach and I hesitantly respond with, “Yes, why?”

He goes on to tell me that 8 months ago, a month before Shay and I started dating, he went out with Shay on a date, they hooked up, and talked for a bit. I immediately started laughing at how this would of course happen to me. That the firs person I decide to be intimate with on some level, would have also been intimate with my ex. Small world or shitty luck, I can’t tell.

I then start to look at Drew’s instagram and have a sudden realization that I remember seeing his page before. I was Shay’s first boyfriend, but I asked if he ever liked anyone before me, and he said yes. The boy he liked before me was Drew, and I used to remember feeling irritated about this unknown boy in the beginning of my relationship with Shay. Now here I was with my ex boyfriends old crush in my bed on Valentine’s day. I felt an overwhelming feeling of emotions. Pride, sadness, a sense of joy, and then melancholy. I didn’t know what to think so I just laughed. Laughed at the irony and how of course this would happen to me.

Drew never liked Shay, that’s why it didn’t work out. But it makes my ego feel good to know that Drew is more interested in me than my ex and that is probably a really shitty thing to say. But I’m human, and you can’t fault me for feeling like that. I’m sure a lot of people would feel that way.

But the irony of my connection with Drew and Shay is not over, oh no, it gets worse. Or funnier. It really just depends on how you look at it.

The night of Valentine’s day I get a text from Drew saying, “So you told Shay?” And my stomach dropped again for the second time that day. I did not tell Shay anything, he and I haven’t really spoken since the break up, so I was curious as to why Drew was asking me this. Turns out Shay had just sent him a random friend request on Facebook when they haven’t seen or spoken to each other in 8 months. What the hell are the chances that my ex will be sending a friend request to the boy I just hooked up with not even 12 hours before? Again, life is funny.

I assume he was adding him, because like me, maybe he’s trying to reach out to old flames to see if they could reignite a spark again. That thought makes me sad, but what can I do? He didn’t want me and I’m not going to mope around about it. It’s just ridiculous that the first person I become intimate with to help me forget about Shay is a common connection to him. Thinking about it now, that’s probably why Drew looked so familiar that night in the bar. Shay has no idea I know Drew, but theres a big satisfaction knowing Drew finds me more interesting than my ex. 

 

 

It started with a BANG!

12418937_10154550417917598_397300198716696175_oIf anyone knows me personally, you will know that I love love. I write about broken hearts all the time, and I use my instagram to promote my poetry. Love has been something I have always idolized, and growing up I could never wait to find “the one.” I was different from most boys. I actually dreamed of a wedding, but for the longest time I imagined a woman at the altar with me. It wasn’t until I was older that I came to terms with myself and the fluidity of my sexuality. Although I find some women to be crazy attractive and insanely beautiful, my wedding fantasy doesn’t include a bride at the altar with me. I want to find me Prince Charming, and I can tell you right now, a lot of frogs come disguised as him.

I recently just got out of a relationship. We were together for 6 months and I had serious anxiety, doubt, and excitement that he could have been the one. We got along great! He became my best friend and my happiness, but somewhere in our love story his emotions switched. He went from crazy about me, to not so crazy about me. I can’t say when the switch began, but I saw red flags that should have warned me we would end in burning flames. On our first date I got in a car crash. He accidentally burnt a love letter that he wrote. And he broke a lamp in my apartment the day before the break up. The signs of wreckage were all there, and yes they may just be freaky coincidences, but its fun to think it could have been the Universe’s way of saying it wasn’t going to work.

The biggest red flag should have been that his idea of a perfect relationship was one in which conflict didn’t exist. He thought we fought to much, but a fight to him was any time I disagreed with his ideas or the way he handled things. Those aren’t fights, those are just disagreements. I never yelled at him. I never belittled him. I never did anything that I would consider to be a fight. But every time I confronted him about something that bothered me, he would respond with anger and consider me dramatic. He would turn them on me, and me being a peace keeper, would end up apologizing when I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I just wanted him to be happy, that’s what love is to me, making the other person happy. But with this I lost my own happiness, and I should have backed out long before he blind sided me and left me high and dry.

So here I am. Recently moved to a city I have become familiar with through time but never lived. Single and a hopeless romantic, but nothing right now makes me want to focus on dating. I don’t want to jump into another relationship. I don’t want to give my heart again so easily to someone else. Honestly, right now I need to simply learn how to be single. So here’s my story. Here’s my adventure. Welcome to the ride, because I can tell you right now, my life is a romantic dramady that you won’t want to miss.

For the Bible Tells Me So

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Homosexuality is a hot topic within the Christian faith. It’s one of those issues that doesn’t like to be discussed, and when it is, is quickly shut down. It’s wrong and The Bible says so. That’s about as deep as one will get on the topic, and if you try to fight it you are trying to fight God and His word and that’s wrong. But Jacob once fought God. And Jacob won. 

My church’s college ministry just closed out a series called #selfie. The series dove into peoples testimonies on how they came to the church, and tonights speaker talked about his fight against homosexuality. I knew he was going to give his testimony this night so I made it a point to come; I haven’t been to college group in over a year. I was well received by old friends with many shocked faces, but there I was. I had to be there. I had to hear this “bullshit.” 

I admit that it’s not fair for me to knock this guys story on how he came to God and call it bullshit. If this is his truth I have no right to deny that, but from my perspective he seems fairly misguided. Yet this is approved by the church. It’s approved by the congregation. They seem to like his struggle. 

Mick’s testimony was honestly a bit hard for me to digest. I recorded it on my phone so I could listen back to it later and take some pieces from it to add to my senior show. This is the number 1 reason why I wanted to go. I wanted someone else’s truth to tie into my own. 

He started the sermon by calling his homosexuality a struggle. This is the first thing that already ticked me off. Why is it a struggle? Why must we fight who we are to blend into what the church wants us to be? He brought up the verse 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, and of course he chose a translation that fit perfectly with his point. He almost makes his fight sound like that of an alcoholic or drug addict, that it can be cured. 

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous[a] will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived:neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practise homosexuality,[b]10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Did you catch that? According to the translation he uses, it’s ok to be a homosexual, but you can’t be a “practicing” homosexual. Loving another man as you would a woman would be wrong. It would be a sin to practice this. So instead, you must fight it. Fight the urge to love someone because of their gender.

He went on in his testimony to talk about the fact that he was reaching out to men via craigslist, phone apps, and online chat rooms. He was hooking up with these men and he was being reckless, even stating that he eventually became numb to the whole thing. He then turned it around and said he was acting this way because he struggles with homosexuality. Hold up. So, if you’re gay then you go out and hook up with a lot of men and just live a life without feeling? To me it sounded like he had a sex addiction, and that was his sin. It wasn’t his sexual preference, it’s the actions he took to live out his life sexually. He was being careless, and as a result, that led him to fall into sexual sins such as lust and prostitution. He just happened to prefer the company of men. The fact that he is gay plays no role in his actions. If a straight man lived a life of sexual immorality he wouldn’t look back and blame his sexual orientation. That just makes no sense.

The problem with the way he see’s things is that he believes him being gay led him to act in that manner. That may be true, and if it is, it’s not his fault. We live in a world where being gay is not ok. We like to believe it’s becoming more accepted, but the truth is it’s still really a big no no in society. It’s this fear and being forced into hiding that leads to dangers that can lie in the gay culture and gay world. We force gays into exile, and because this is so stigmatized, individuals are forced into sketchy situations in order to explore themselves. Mick went onto these app’s and chat rooms because he had no one to talk to. No one to turn to to ask questions and seek answers from, but he is not alone. There are many people in his boat. I was one of them. 

Because he couldn’t go public about all this, he had to do it privately. This is a problem. If homosexuality was discussed in schools and within our society we could expose it to the world and people wouldn’t have to live in fear. Individuals wouldn’t have to go into hiding. But because we condemn it in our church and our teachings, people are forced to go to the extreme to self discover and explore their sexuality. If people could be gay and explorative openly it would be safer. It wouldn’t feel like a shameful act, but something normal like dating someone of the opposite sex. You wouldn’t have to look in dark places to meet someone, you could meet them openly and publicly. You could meet them safely. But this is a luxury gays do not have in the world. We are forced to search for light in darkness. 

I believe people turning away from homosexuals is what leads many of those who are gay to fall into sin. If we accepted homosexuality I guarantee most of this won’t be an issue. More gays would find God and sexual immorality will decrease. Yet we call them sinners, so why shouldn’t they become what we portray them as? The American Indians fell into this trap. We always portrayed American Indians in our culture as savages that hurt and abused women, yet that was not who they were as a people. In many American Indian tribes, the abuse of women was unthinkable. It is now, however, stated by the Navajo Times that rape  is the number one crime on Navajo Reservations. It is believed that 80% of the Native woman who were seen at the regional psychiatric service center within a 5 state area had experienced some form of sexual assault. American Indians slowly started to become the very thing we portrayed them as. They started to act like their invaders. As Hitler noted over 50 years ago, If you tell a lie big enough and often enough, it will be believed. We’ve been telling the biggest lie about gays for years.

I could break down the verses for you and explain them all, but this is not the purpose of this post. I am simply writing because I want to raise the concern that we need to change the way we think of homosexuality. Mick concluded his testimony proclaiming that he will struggle for the rest of his life, but he knows that being gay is not something he wants. Like I stated, he doesn’t want sexual immorality, but it’s sad he linked that to sexual preference. 

He currently is in a relationship with a girl he’s been with since 7th grade. She’s been his support system through it all and I think it’s beautiful she stands by his side, but I can’t help but question why? Why does she stay with a man who she knows struggles to stay with her and will always secretly desire someone else? It leads me to believe she has low self esteem and doesn’t think she can get anyone else. Yet, if Mick were turning away from homosexuality because he truly loves this woman and thinks she’s the only person in the world for him, then I think his fight against it is poetic and beautiful. However, if he is simply fighting it because a verse in the bible tells him he is wrong for being gay then he is making a huge mistake. He’s fighting himself for a battle that doesn’t need to be fought. To be someone else for someone else’s sake is the greatest mistake. 

My favorite verse in the bible comes from the book of Ecclesiastes. In Ecclesiastes 7:13 it states that we should accept the way God does things because who can straighten what He has made crooked? To me this is the gay verse. The verse that says we are bent and we are different, but who is to straighten us out when we are meant to be this way. 

I feel sorry for Mick. I feel sorry that as he spoke tonight the congregation praised him when he talked about turning away from what he claimed to be the “gay lifestyle.” I am happy he turned away from his sexual immorality, but I’m disappointed by his claims that that’s a result of sexual preference. It just seems he reinforced the idea that all gays are man whores who sleep around and remain unhappy. I don’t believe any of that and I hope everyone there doesn’t believe it either. Because that’s definitely not who I am, and that was not the road I took on my personal journey. 

Mick never gave himself time to explore his sexuality safely, and if he did, he didn’t share it. He was always looking for sex, but some of us are looking for love. He never gave himself time to try and find happiness with a man because he always had it imbedded that it was a sin and he was wrong. To him being gay equated sex, and that idea is so far from the truth. He also has always had his girlfriend by his side. He has never stepped away from her long enough to know anything else. It’s almost as if he is trapped.

His story is one of the reasons why I want to date someone from my church and share that relationship with the congregation. I want to show my church that there can be healthy relationships between two men. That there can be happiness, wholeness, and even innocence. I want to show them that love is possible, and what they believe about homosexuality is wrong. I want to show them that their views and preconceived notions are false. However, I have no one to explore that journey with. So I think I’ll take that stand on my own. My church is just a small step towards a larger goal I feel I’m called for. I don’t know what it is, but God wants me to take up the topic of homosexuality and Christianity. I can just feel it. I always wanted to start a revolution, and I think this is it. 

Mick made the claim that he isn’t gay and that that wasn’t his identity. His identity is that he is Mick and that’s what he wants to be known as. When he made this statement the congregation cheered. They supported his individuality. But I think he got it wrong. At least for me, being gayis who I am. Yes it’s just a part of who I am, but it’s a part that I wouldn’t mind being identified as. The reason why? Because it’s a linkage to this identity that makes me have a fight. Being gay makes me a part of something that is bigger than myself. I am not just Kev. I am a crucial member of a movement for the equality of love.

Doodles

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Today I hung out with Mo again. I haven’t seen him in over a month since him and I last talked. In our last meeting we discussed everything I was feeling and I shared with him the blog post I wrote before this one. That post was transcribed straight out of my journal. It was the only way I could express everything he made me feel, and the only way I could explain everything that was going on in this overactive head of mine. This is the first time I’ve seen him with the intention of being just a friend.

I was terrified. When I walked into his house it all hit me. The smells, the memories, and the emotional feelings all hit me like a succession of cars. I thought I was drowning, but I held my head up. I took it all in, and honestly, I was ok. Nothing hurt me the way I thought it all would. But I did take half of a mind relaxer before I got in to ensure I was calm, cool, and collected, however, I felt like it did nothing. I should have taken the whole thing.

I walked into his room and looked for the Calvin and Hobbes drawing I drew him. There it was, still up on a shelf facing his bed. It was something I always wanted him to notice when he got up in the morning. A little peace of me in his daily life. His bed looked the same and all I could picture was us cuddling in it. Encasing ourselves in a warm embrace and shutting our eyes to go to sleep. I sometimes wish we could have that moment one more time. It was nice to be in his room again.

I read his travel journal in the kitchen while he made a pie. It sorta felt like some fantasy, me reading and him baking. It was nice and relaxing. Our conversations flowed smoothly, and for that, I am thankful. I’m thankful we didn’t have any awkwardness between us, it was honestly my biggest fear. He asked me a lot about dating and I thought that was weird. Dating and romance wasn’t his thing, but maybe he was asking because he knew love was my favorite thing. He asked about the relationship I was in, he must of been stalking my Facebook, and I explained it to him. I was in a relationship with a boy named Corey. Corey was and is wonderful. He gave me everything I always wanted from Mo. He gave me love, attention, and his heart. He gave me all the things I ever wanted a guy to give me, yet for some reason, I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for the love I always dreamed of having. It didn’t feel like the timing was right, and It overwhelmed me. I honestly don’t want love right now. I have no desire to date and start anything with anyone, and I told Mo all that. I told him that, yes I’ve been offered plenty of dates and hook ups, but I just didn’t have time or desires for them. I wanted to focus on me. He was shocked by all this. This was not the same boy he met almost a year ago. He said he was “impressed,” but a part of me feels like maybe my new “I don’t need love” mindset is bad to him. I couldn’t really tell. It wasn’t until I was leaving when I ran into our friend Kendall and she remarked how I seemed older. She commented that I seemed more mature, and honestly I feel like I’ve grown since I’ve last seen them all. Yes, I still have much more growing up to do, but I feel like I’m on the right track.

Since Mo was so inquisitive about my dating life, I of course returned the favor and asked about his. I didn’t want to know because I wasn’t sure how I could handle hearing about him and other boys, but I asked the question anyway. He had met up with a few people from Tinder and he was “crushing” on a few guys he knew absolutely nothing about. I think what hurt the most was the fact that the guys and I all resembled each other. We all had a similar look of a boyish face, brown hair/eyes, and good looking features. If he was going to date someone who looked like me, why not just date me? But overall, hearing him talk about other people that peaked his interest didn’t bother me. It didn’t sting how I thought it would. I was ok with hearing it, and in return, was actually responsive and supportive to it all. Maybe because a part of me doesn’t think anything will come of it, or maybe because I am in fact over it. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I don’t feel pain for it.

We got tea and coffee in this place called the OC mix and it was gorgeous there. It made me want to live in Orange County, but too bad everything I need for my career is in Los Angeles. I like the OC scene so much better. Over tea and coffee we continued our chats about dating and what not. He kept bringing it up, and I wondered why he wanted me to go out so much. I told him I felt no rush to fall in love, and I’m serious when I say that. I just want to live and explore. I’m not opposed to love, but I have no desire to go out and make my life goal about finding it again. It’ll come, and when it does, I will have open arms. Hopefully.

While we drank tea and coffee, we begun to doodle together. I kept trying to sketch his face but I failed. I may be good at drawing, but people are not my forte. So while I was away in the bathroom, he began to form my failed attempts of his face into a doodle. When I returned he gave me a chance to continue the doodle. Let me just say that doodling is hard for me. It’s hard for me to break away from structure of drawing and draw freely without a plan and see where it takes me. My wandering spirit also loves guidance and perfection. Mo could see the thoughts flowing through my head. Me trying to carefully plan what the doodle would and should be. I would add something to the doodle, and being struck with uncertainty, I would try to erase it. This, however, was not allowed by Mo. He chided me every time I wanted to erase, remarking, “The fun part about messing up, you get to turn it into different things.” And that’s when it hit me. Mo was a mistake in a doodle. He was someone I wish I could have erased and drawn over, but we can’t erase people or memories. We can only either move on from it or use it to build something else. That’s what I was doing. I was using this day, and whatever future relationship we are to have, as a continuation of a doodle I began to draw a year ago. I wasn’t erasing Mo, but I was taking what we had and turning it into something else. Relationships are all doodles. They’re all creations that we allow to flow freely and we follow to see where they go. Sometimes they turn into art. Other times they just become scribbles on a piece of paper. A paper we sometimes crumble up and throw away to try and start over. But sometimes, we look at an old untouched doodle and see it’s potential. We see the greatness that something could become with just a little bit of time and effort. We see a bigger picture. We see the masterpiece.

The reason I’m writing this post is because no matter where Mo falls in my life he will always be the boy who made me feel. I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me feel emotions I’ve never felt before, and they are indescribable. He makes me selfless and it’s an incredible feeling. I feel safe with him and I would trust him with my life. Yes, I barely know him. It hasn’t even been a year, but something in my spirit is linked to something in him. This is a rare feeling I’m scared I will never feel again. It’s not superficial and it exceeds all the boundaries that the world could try to place up between us. I just wish I could make him feel as special and wonderful as he makes me feel. I wish something in me sparks something as powerful in him. I wish all connections with people could feel like this. Innocent, selfless, and pure, but if all connections were how would we know which ones were special? If life were only moments how would we know we had one? It’s weird because the feelings he makes me feel are out of this world. That sounds so cheesy to say, but it’s true. He takes me away from the world when I’m with him and I feel like it’s just us two left on Earth. Is that what love is? Is that what love feels like? The crazy thing is, I feel all this without the romance. He didn’t kiss, he didn’t hold my hand, nor did he make a move. I felt all this by just being in his presence, and that was enough. I didn’t desire any of that other stuff, although it would have been nice. Being around him makes me feel surreal and it’s frightening. As my best friend said, “It’s called joy. He melts your icy heart.” Maybe I don’t need him as a lover, maybe I just need him in my life as a constant reminder of what it’s like to be human and to love. To feel and to be vulnerable. Maybe that’s his role.

I’m not letting go of Mo because he makes me feel incredible feelings, and I’m not going to let someone who influences my life so much just casually walk out of it. No I’m not waiting for him as my lover. No I’m not holding out so he will one day be mine. I don’t think he ever will be, but I do know he is meant to be in my life. Mo is not the type of boy you have that typical love story with. He’s the best friend you’ve always had but never knew you could love. He’s the boy who doesn’t go about love the way you would see in movies or books. He just lives. You don’t meet him and fall in mutual love. With him, I get the feeling love grows over time. He’s the doodle you pick up again to see where it might go. Him and I may not have a love story, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a story. I tried to force him to see our bigger picture, but the sketch was just not there yet. So I guess I’ll just keep on doodling.

How Great it Feels to Feel

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I never knew I could feel so much. It actually scares me. I’ve always been selfish. I only ever think of myself and what I’m facing. I shut out so many people because I don’t selflessly reach out. By now most of my friends are ok with it. They understand that that’s just me, but I now realize there’s another layer to me.

I’ve never had someone make me feel so much until Mo came into my life. It overwhelmed me and took me completely by surprise. I still can recall the day I met him. It was on a Sunday, and already that weekend I experienced a weird date on Friday and an awkward night in Hollywood with friends that Saturday. I didn’t even bother to try to look my best to meet him, I was over it before it even started, yet I spent the entire day with him. I can still remember the lingering cup of orange juice in his car and how he had an accent when he said “orange.”

We went to the tide pools and I really wanted him to find a starfish. He never did, but then I created this whole romantic story in my mind that in the future he would get me a starfish and say something stupid like, “I finally got you one,” and then kiss me. This was just a disappointment because he can’t read my mind and he would never do that.

I’ve created a lot of roles for him in my head and it’s not fair. I can’t get mad that reality did not match my expectations. Do our expectations really ever exceed the cold truth of what is real? It’s sad because I never really had him, but losing him feels like I’m losing a piece of myself, and I realize that’s because I did. When you love someone you give them a piece of your soul that no one has ever seen, touched, or experienced before. I gave him art. I wrote him poetry, and I expressed my heart. These are rare gifts I’ve given to almost no one. Each of those contained a small piece of me that I will never get back. I’m not mad I gave them away. It’s not like he asked for any of them. I’m just honestly surprised I had all that inside of me.

I knew I was capable of intense feelings, but I never knew I could feel that much. Honestly, I would not be able to answer why I did or do. I just do. I know I’m going to be ok, and I know I will get passed all this and one day reflect upon it, but for now I’m going to let it affect me. I’m not going to slap on a smile and pretend I don’t feel pain because I do, and honestly, in a weird way I’m happy to feel. Some people never feel love and to me that’s so sad. But I know there is more to life than romantic love. I don’t want to fall into the trap that that’s the only type of love, because I know it’s not in the slightest true. To feel anything is to love, and I want to keep doing that.

Seeing Mo again recently in January was hard. I had invited him to the show I was performing in, but we hadn’t spoken in a long time and I didn’t feel like reaching out to him again to invite him. As I previously wrote, Mo and I are no more. In September we had our little breakup and we stopped talking. It wasn’t until a month later in October to celebrate my birthday did we talk again, but my most recent encounter changed everything.

In October I invited him to come celebrate my birthday with my friends and I. He promised to come and he did. We went out for breakfast at midnight in honor of Taylor Swift’s song 22. I was turning 22 at midnight and I thought it would be a fun thing to do. I drove Mo to and from the restaurant, and when we got back to my house, I walked him to his car. We were standing in the street at 2 am under the moonlit sky and he reached in to kiss me. My world ignited. We proceeded to get into his car and a more intense hook up occurred. It was the perfect ending to my 22nd birthday.

After what I thought was him showing that he liked me, he didn’t talk to me. He never invited me to hangout and I never invited him. My pride stopped me from being the one to put all the effort back into the relationship. Come a month later in November, the city by his house was having auditions for my favorite musical. Perfect! I went to the audition with one of his friends and I concocted this whole plan. His friend and I would get cast, become good friends, and spend all our time at Mo’s. It was a flawless plan, except for the fact I ended up getting cast and she didn’t. I rehearsed that show for two months and not once did I see Mo.

Since him and I stopped talking in November I didn’t plan to see him in the audience for the show. As I previously mentioned, I mentioned it to him back in November. Apparently he bought a ticket the first day they went on sale and he surprised me opening night.

I saw him during the opening number of my play and after my dance I went backstage and had a mini panic attack. I honestly didn’t know what to say once I saw him after the show. It crushed me when I saw he was there with our mutual friend Casey. My mind assumed they were “talking” and that thought drove me insane. It hurts me to think about him loving someone and me knowing I wasn’t good enough to be the one he loved. I’ll get over it, but for now it stings. I think back to the start and wish I played things differently. I wish I kept my mouth shut and never shared interest. I always think that maybe if I did that he would have been the one to fall. I can’t help but think I’m the reason everything went wrong. Did I honestly ask for too much? All I wanted was the  certainty that he liked me. In my mind that never seemed like too much.

I always joke and say he is incapable of love. That he possesses no romantic substance, but I know that’s not true. Just because someone doesn’t feel emotions for you does not mean they don’t feel. It just means you didn’t spark anything in them to ignite a fire. I literally did all I could think of to impress him. I thought my passion and success in acting would make me desirable. I thought my talent, looks, and personality would be enough. I even thought opening my heart would do the trick, yet I don’t know if any of that made a difference. I feel like the more you want something the more you ultimately push it away. I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to think about me. I wanted him to imagine his future and consider me in it. I wanted him to want me, but the whole time we wanted different things.

He told me I was always a question. I think of this as some mystery he couldn’t solve. I was a question yet I wanted to be his answer. I wanted to be the first one that he had let hold his heart. He finally found the answer to me, he doesn’t like me. He doesn’t like me and the fact that he could go awhile without ever knowing what’s happening in my life is proof of that. Looking back he never asked me what was going on in my life. It was always me learning about him. Maybe that’s why I was the one who fell. Love may be different for everyone, but some of it’s the same. If you like someone you want to be involved in their life and you make an effort to be.

He told me I was too good for him. Which simply translates into, “You deserve better love than I can give you.”  This mindset of his probably comes from him knowing that I have this insane ability to feel, but that’s funny because I’m not usually the boy who feels. Yet this is the only boy he knows because he is one of the rare people to actually make me feel. He’s seen a side of me that no one see’s or knows and that’s scary, but there nothing I can do to change that. You can put make up on a pig but it’s still a pig. I know there is nothing I can say that would make a difference. The boy who morphs words can’t use them now to change life. For once words no longer have power or meaning. The only thing to do is to let go. Let him live his life and move on with mine. I don’t have to shut him out completely, I’m very capable of being his friend, but how do you be friends with someone when a part of you secretly wants more?

I would come up with a million reasons why he never wanted more than friendship.

He’s actually straight.

He’s scared to come out.

He’s broken.

He’s afraid of commitment.

Multiple reasons that probably bear no truth. The truth is simple, you want what you can’t have and he knew he could have me. There was no challenge. No more chase, and I bet he could taste that every time we kissed.

He did say something once that stuck to me. When we went to Lacma and I was asking him about coming out he said he feared that people would say, “I thought so.” He never wanted to prove anyone right. I’m sure that has nothing to do with me, but I still remember it. I secretly wish that were the reason.

I can’t help but think that he thinks I’m crazy. Some dramatic kid that he wishes he never got involved with. Trouble he does not want to deal with. I think this because I thought this about others who expressed feelings for me. It sounds awful to say, but a lot of people have liked me. It’s all I’ve ever really known. I’ve grown up being told I’m special and I assumed everyone saw that. I’m not used to having feelings for some one and not having them reciprocated. I don’t know what to do in those types of situations. Maybe this was just some built up karma against me. Why shouldn’t I feel heartache after all? I’m not special. I’m average, and I’m human.

I never wanted to hold Mo back. He’s a free spirit and I admired that. I wanted to share that with him. I fell in love with the world in him. What I liked so much about him might be selfish, but it’s what drew me to him.

Mo made me feel normal. Being gay was no longer a big deal and I didn’t feel different because my emotions were for a guy. He was the first one in over a year since Scott left to make me feel like that, yet he also made me feel all the bad that Scott left me with. He never wanted me to compare him to Scott, but I can’t help it. The feelings they both left me with are closely linked. You’ll always remember the people who made you feel.

I’m trying to stain this page with everything I feel so it doesn’t just remain in my life like a leech. I’ve known for awhile Mo didn’t feel the same, but I’m a person who can never give up on what he wants. Pursue, Persist, and Persevere. The 3 P’s that I’ve always tried to live by. The third P is just the hardest. It seems so counterintuitive to give up on him, to let him go.I would just feel disappointment in myself, be he reassures me I’ll feel disappointment if I try to stay.

I don’t know what I want, and I sure as hell don’t know what I need. I’m so young with so much before me that I want to accomplish. I always thought I needed to have love right now. I wanted it. Everyone around me on Facebook is getting married and I never really had a real serious relationship. I keep thinking I need one, but I don’t. I don’t need love right now. I honestly only need to keep pursuing my goals and to share that journey with incredible people. That’s all I ever think I wanted anyway. I wanted to share my journey with Mo.

I panic about my future.

I regret things I’ve down in the past. 

I love and I lust.

And I hope and pray, that I don’t ever fail to remember, how great it feels to just feel.

– The Maine

I Squished a Bug!

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I wanted to go straight to love and skip over the falling. I’ve noticed I do that in all my relationships. I know how it is to act once feelings are already there, but I don’t know how to act in the process in which they grow. In retrospect I wasn’t ready for dating, and it took this last experience with Mo to finally figure that out.

I always saw love as a romantic fantasy. Love at first sight and true loves kiss blah blah blah. It’s what we see in movies and books. It’s what society calls love. I was so wrong. It’s not like that at all. Actually, it’s much better. Two people not automatically falling in love but using time to learn and explore each other is beautiful. It’s also scary. It’s scary because it’s uncertain. You don’t know if you two will be together. You don’t know what will happen. You don’t know anything past the day on which you’re on. I aways saw this as a waste of time, but it’s not. You’re learning. You’re growing. It’s most definitely time well spent. It’s exciting, but It’s also something I’m not good at doing. We live in the “generation now.” We need things right away. Patience simply doesn’t exist, and I’m a victim to this generation. I want things right away. I love control. I love certainty. I loved “love.”

The last boy I dated, Mo, seemed to have this all figured out. He understood not to rush things. To let them just “happen”. To go slow and with the flow. I finally understand that now too. I just wish I understood this before I met him. I wish I could have experienced the full extent of our journey. I tried to jump in the drivers seat right away and control everything. I should have just let, cue Carrie Underwood, Jesus take the wheel. It’s just hard for me because I get insecure and question if the person I’m on this journey with likes me if it’s not so often expressed. Yet that’s an issue on my part I guess. But it’s 20x more special when they do express it. Because it’s so seldom expressed, that moment it finally is means so much more. You know it’s truly coming from their heart. It’s special.

I never gave Mo time to fall for me. I already made it known I liked him and that came without him having to do anything to earn it. I wrote him poetry and drew him a picture. He never did anything for me, and me doing that stuff for him just justified the fact that he didn’t need to. He knew where I stood and therefore that’s easy to get taken advantage of. There was no challenge. There was no falling. It was just there and that’s boring. He didn’t have to try to get my attention. It was always there.

In dating you have to know who you are. If you don’t, it’s not going to work out. You’re going to lose yourself in another person and that’s wrong. They will start to invade your mind and you forget to think about yourself. You forget to live your life for you. There’s no reason to stop yourself from doing something because of the possibility that it will effect someone you like. I never want to be consumed by another person, and I never should be. That’s not love. That’s immature, yet I believe that’s always been the mindset I had when I went into love. I always made these childish mistakes. I blame Shakespeare.

Mo could see this. I’m sure he sensed I wasn’t ready, yet he never had the heart to tell me that. He did say once that our timing was bad, and I always saw that as the timing was bad for him, but I think the timing was bad for me. Whether or not that’s what he intended, he was right. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t understand anything that I understand now. I was wrong about dating, but am I ready now? Am I ready now that I’ve had time to think over everything and reflect? I don’t know. I don’t know if I will fall into the same traps and mistakes next time I like someone, but I have hope that I wont. Now I at least know what the issue is I struggle with and what I need to work on. I’m a quick learner, let’s just see if I’m a fast applier.

It’s about time I learned this lesson too. I constantly wore my heart on my sleeve because I thought this was how the world worked, but it led to a lot of hurt. I thought everyone was a hopeless romantic cheese ball. Can you blame me? That’s how the world glamorizes romance. But I need to be a little more guarded, a little more relaxed. I think it’s intimidating if someone confidently barges in and goes “heres my heart don’t break it!” Can you say “pressure”? I don’t blame Mo for seeing it as dwarfing. I basically threw everything at him and was like “love me.” Ew. I would of not liked me either.

I never saw his side of things before, but it all makes sense to me now. I finally get it. I don’t blame him if he ever saw me as obsessed or crazy. I hate those adjectives, but they are fitting. However, unlike most people, I’m not in denial about my faults. I recognize them and I try to work on them. I’m able to admit when I’m wrong, and for that, I’m proud. I let myself get overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to handle it. I still had so much growing to do and I was unaware of it. We have to fall a few times before we know how to stand. Mo has made me think and question a lot of things. He’s also shown me I don’t have as many things figured out as I thought I had. I still had/have so much more learning to do, but that’s life.

There’s nothing wrong with love being expressed as a fantasy in books and movies, just know that’s not how it is. It’s dramatized and exaggerated. It’s poetic and beautiful but it’s not real, and it shouldn’t be. Where’s the fun in flying if you never knew what it was like to walk? Don’t lose yourself when you like someone. Don’t make that mistake. Be you and live your life for you. Do what makes YOU happy. Enjoy the falling in falling in love, because honestly, that’s the best part. I didn’t know to enjoy and appreciate that, but I do now. And the next time I meet someone I take a liking to, I’m going to put myself in cruise and enjoy the views.

Just Keep Swimming

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Sometimes love isn’t a fantasy. It isn’t a storybook that you pop into and live happily ever after. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you bite the poisonous apple and there is no prince who comes to save you. You aren’t awoken by true loves kiss. There is no knight to rescue you from your tower and to slay your dragons. Sometimes, love is just you all on your own.

As I wrote previously, I met someone wonderful. Someone great. Someone who I would of been proud to parade around and tell the world, “Yep! I’m the lucky guy who get’s to call him mine.” He inspired me to write more. He became my muse and led me to believe in love again.

I knew I liked Mo a lot sooner than he liked me. After our first date I knew I was in for some trouble. I tried to be calm, slow, and patient. Basically, I tried to do and be the opposite of everything I am.

I am not calm.

I am not slow.

I most definitely am not patient.

But I did tone my normal self down. Well, tried.

After our second date I wanted to do something special for him. Something to really impress him. I grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing. I am a pretty good artist, and I wanted to draw him something awesome to show off my talent. Who wouldn’t fall for someone who drew them a kick ass picture?

I knew immediately what I should draw. He is obsessed with Calvin and Hobbes so that’s exactly what I drew. He loves to travel so I cut out my drawing and glued it to this really awesome paper that looked like a map. I also knew I wanted to add a quote onto it. Quotes make everything perfect. I googled Calvin and Hobbes quotes, but none caught my eye, so I did some stalking. I looked at Mo’s Facebook profile and right there in all his info was a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I hit the jackpot. I snagged that quote and added it to my drawing like a cherry on a cake. It was perfect. I thought, “He’s going to think I chose his favorite quote at random and it’ll be a sign I’m a perfect catch!” I was like a teeny boppy girl with a little school girls crush. I also signed it and put a gold star next to it. The gold star is because, well, one day I’ll be a super star. Might as well start showing the world now.

I gave him my drawing the next time I saw him and he absolutely loved it. I was so happy. He even proceeded to get it framed and now it sits in his room. I put so much feeling into that drawing and I believe it shows when you look at it. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it.

I thought this would snag him, but It didn’t feel like enough. I really liked this boy so I was going to pull out all the stops to win.

You see I have this motto in life. It goes a little something like this.

“Pursue, Persist, and Persevere.”

Basically, go after the stuff you want. Don’t quit, give it your all, and succeed. That’s exactly what I was going to do with Mo.

See the last boy I liked before him was a boy named Scott. Scott was my first everything, and by everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I fell for him so hard but he turned his back on me. I was just a game to him and he won. Game over. That was about a year ago and since Mo showed up, I haven’t truly liked anyone since. That’s why I’m surprised and passionate for Mo.

It’s funny because Mo is not my type of guy. I always imagined I would end up with someone tall and model handsome. Mo is shorter than me and a goofy charming handsome. Immediately when I saw him I checked him off my list, but like I said earlier, after our first hangout ended I was hooked. I looked past everything that held me back and I saw him for who he truly was, an amazing guy. He actually turned out to be everything I wanted in a guy. I think the clincher was when he pretended to pick my nose. I did that to people all the time, and here was this random stranger who did it to? It was a sign.

We continued to date and I described most of them in my previous post. About 2 or 3 weeks in I brought up exclusivity. I wasn’t asking for a relationship, I just wanted us to focus on getting to know one another and no one else. I wanted us to be WALKING in the direction of relationship.

He deflected. He said it felt too soon, and I bought it. I understood that it was quick. See I’m not used to the slow pace of things. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t take me long to realize I like someone. It just takes me a long time before I find someone worth liking. So I thought, “Ok I’ll slow down. It’ll be worth it.” But then came Burning Man.

Burning Man is a week long free spirit event in the middle of the Nevada Desert. Mo had snagged himself a ticket and he was going to be gone for a week. I know it’s not long, but the week before he was leaving I was going to be gone for a week so it was two weeks without seeing each other. I got a little panicky. I kept thinking he was going to meet someone wonderful at this event and fall in love and forget about me. So I tried desperately to snag him up before he left.

In the midst of all our dating I tried making good impressions. I sent him all the commercials and tv spots I’ve been on in hopes that he would be like, “Damn this guy is amazing I need to date him!” Yet, I don’t think it really worked.

I had a plan for our last date before he left for Burning Man. I don’t know why, but I felt like I was losing him. I had to act fast and I had to express my emotions the best I could, so I turned to poetry. I wrote him a poem that expressed everything I felt up to that point. Here it is. (Disclaimer: It’s much better performed than on paper.)

“You’re not the type of guy I thought I’d like.

You’re so different than what I thought was “right.”

See I always saw love as a fantasy,

This ultimate romance for the world to see.

The knight in shining armor,

The handsome prince whose love I’ll harbor.

But you’re the type of guy id play and tease.

The one who would get close but I’d release.

However, you took my rules and flipped them upside down.

You shattered my illusions and threw my games around.

Because when it came to you I lost my words,

I forgot who I was and my life became absurd.

The boy who was so calm, cool, and collected

Finally lost more than he had ever expected.

I don’t know what it is but you’re something else,

Not something generic you can go buy from a shelf.

You’re unique, different, and fun,

You cause my mind to constantly run.

I’m trying to be calm and cool,

Go back to that boy you knocked from his pedestal.

But I seem to say everything wrong,

I fear Ill scare you away and you’ll be gone.

Which is fine by me if you leave,

But please just try to do it gently.

I’m trying to do everything right.

Play the game and fight the fight.

But I’m a horrible player,

And I fear I reveal too many layers.

Be myself is what I’m told,

But what happens when myself begins to get too old?

See that’s the thing, no one ever makes me insecure,

But you came in and now I’m always left unsure.

You don’t want to hurt me yes I understand,

But I hate that you think you have control and full command.

It’s words like that that leave me scared.

It’s because I’m in a field in which I’m unprepared.

But I’m a man who can take a hit.

You’re only one of many who may fit.

You’ve expressed to me two fears you have within.

That I’ll like you too soon or me you will not win.

But I don’t think either is the case,

And I’m all about this game of chase.

I may move too quick and say something wrong,

But I know what I want and sometimes it doesn’t take too long.

But I understand that others may differ,

Their timing is slower not quicker.

They are patient, thoughtful, and slow

They take their time to realize and fully know.

And in the meantime I can wait,

Or I could get fed up and go on other dates.

But I’m still discovering what’s right to do,

This game of dating was made for two.

I enjoy spending time with you, that I know.

And nothing else matters, not even a label to show.

Just seeing you can make me smile,

I just want to know I do that to you every once in awhile.

But take your time and go explore,

Because ill also be out looking for more.

But I like you, yeah it’s true,

And I can move at whatever pace you want me too.

See you’re not a fantasy and you’re not a prince,

But you’re a reality I would never want to miss. ”

My plan was to find an open mic night and perform this poem live in front of him and a room full of strangers. This was it. This was going to seal the deal and make him want me as much as I wanted him. I would die if someone did this for me. I think it’s probably one of the most romantic things ever.

I found this cafe in LA and they had open mic nights every night. Perfect. My plan was working. I picked Mo up and we drove to the cafe. We both got tea and sat down to enjoy the other performers. It was a whole bunch of comedians making a whole bunch of jokes about sex and women. Not one person in that whole damn cafe was gay. This was just my luck. I was about to perform a gay love poem in front a room of straight comedian men. I was terrified.

All the performers performed and the host started packing up. Shit! I wanted to perform this poem that I had written Mo. I knew I needed to speak up or I was going to miss my chance. I don’t know what happened, but by the grace of God the host looks at me and goes, “Did you want to perform?”

“Uh… Yes.” I muttered.

The host said ok and started setting everything back up again for me. Holy shit I was really going to do this. I walked up to what was supposed to be a stage and sat down. I had no clue what I was going to say. How do I tell them this is a poem about a boy? So I grabbed the mic and tried to be funny.

“Uh things are about to get gay in here.”

Nothing. I thought they would laugh. Crickets.

“I wrote this when I was really high.”

Total lie. Still nothing. Just start Kevin. Just start.

And I started. I stared right at Mo and sent all my words at him. I performed as if I was just performing for him and no one else was there. I was terrified but I kept going. I had to say this. He had to hear it. He needed to know how I felt. I had to impress him.

Let me explain to you all why I felt so insecure with Mo and needed to do all these grand gestures. He never texted me. He never flirted with me. Only when I was with him did I feel special. I felt like he truly really liked me, but when I was away from him I had nothing to hold onto. I think thats why I also wanted exclusivity. I wanted some security that he wasn’t going to just change his mind and walk away. I wanted to feel safe because I could feel myself getting ready to start giving my heart away and I knew it was going to hurt. That’s not bad to want right? Something to hold onto?

So I left him with that poem before he left. I signed it and of course gold starred it and also sprayed it with my cologne. I made sure he always thought of me. I thought I had this in the bag.

Before he left he also mentioned we could discuss exclusivity when he got back. He just got back this past week and I was so excited. I hate to admit it, but I did miss him. I couldn’t wait to see him.

He returned home with some new friends and I was so jealous. I was jealous because he was going to have a special bond with these friends. A bond you can only acquire at Burning Man. They were going to be special to him, and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

On our first date since his return I didn’t want to bring up exclusivity again, but I had to know. Where DID I fit into his life. It was eating away at me. I was causing myself pain by living in all this uncertainty for the past month and a half and I couldn’t take it. I needed something to look forward too. I needed some hope.

Since day 1 I’ve always been honest with him. There was no reason for me not to be. I’ve been honest with my feelings and I didn’t hide them like I wish I did. I just couldn’t. It wasn’t me. So on this past date I told him how I was feeling, but most importantly I wanted to know how HE was feeling. Did he want some form of a relationship with me or not?

I wish I could tell all of you he does, but since I last spoke to him he doesn’t. I want to lie to all of you and tell you my fairytale beginning has a fairytale ending, but it doesn’t. He claims he likes me, but he does’t like me as much as I like him. Basically, he doesn’t like me enough to actually want to be “anything” with me.

But it honestly doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t feel hesitation in his kisses. I don’t feel regret when his hand is in mine. I don’t feel like he wants distance from me. He doesn’t act in a way I expect someone who doesn’t like someone to act. In a lot of ways he acts as if he’s really into me. Which leads me to believe that maybe he’s just scared.

Mo is the type of person who is terrified of being stuck anywhere too long. I think relationships scare him. I think the thought of being tied to someone is frightening. I also think he’s afraid of hurting people and he never wants to put himself in a position where he could be the bad guy. Because of all this though, I think he misses out on so much.

He says he also doesn’t want to be with me because he’s not 100% confident, he’s not 100% sure. But what I learned is that you’re never ready, it’s just your turn. I feel like he thinks he has to be in love before he could date someone.

All I ever truly wanted from him was to feel wanted. I wanted crazy. I wanted to feel loved and I wanted to be special. He told me he’s trying to feel the same for me that I feel for him, but I don’t want someone who has to try to like me. You either do or you don’t. You can’t force it.

I want someone to write me a poem. I want someone to text me randomly in the middle of the day and say, “Hey I can’t get you out of my head.” I want someone to show up on my doorstep and perform some grand gesture. Is that to unrealistic to want?

Mo thinks I’m crazy to think like this. He thinks things like a random text are corny and he dismisses them. If he only knew how much all these things meant to me. They might be silly, but to me they’re cute and romantic, and a sure way to my heart.

But the thought of doing them doesn’t cross his mind, and that’s what makes me think he doesn’t like me. When you like someone you want to talk to them. You want to know how their day is and you want to see them. I used to always excuse Mo’s lack of daily communication as just “him,” but I don’t think even he is excluded from the general principle. If you like someone you want to talk to them. To me that’s normal. But I could be wrong, and I admit that. Everyone IS different.

He also says he wouldn’t care if I dated other people. I’m sorry but if you like someone you shouldn’t want to see them with anyone else but yourself. He says he doesn’t want to take someone away from something that could make them happy, but he’s my happy, and he’s taking me away from it.

Mo told me he’s never had anyone do for him all I’ve done. He claims no one has ever been as persistent. I don’t see how everyone ISN’T trying to get at him. I did all I did for him because I would want someone to do all that for me. I would want someone to make ME feel that special.

But I think I scared him. I was insecure and I expressed my emotions too soon. I think we could have had something great and I was the one to ruin it. I was the problem.

I think if I would have been more relaxed and confident things would have turned out differently. But it’s so hard to be confident if you don’t know anything that is going through the other persons head. I didn’t know if he was talking to others. I didn’t know how he saw me. So I was left with an open imagination. An idle mind is the devils playground.

Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it’s him who has the issue and not me. It’s funny because he claims I’ve done everything right, but from my point of view it all feels so wrong.

I constantly kept trying and now I think I should stop. I should stop trying to find a reason to shoot him a text. I should stop making all the plans for our dates. I should stop reaching out, because honestly, there is nothing to grab. There is nothing to catch me when I fall.

So that’s what I told him. I told him I would only see him if he started making the effort. If he planned something I would go. He doesn’t believe that I’m going to stop trying. I think he thinks I can’t. Never underestimate me. And if he doesn’t make an effort, well then, everything is his loss and not mine.

We parted ways outside his house. He opened my car door, kissed me, and went back inside. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. It’s sad because during the course of all our dating I gave him a poem and a drawing, but I have nothing to hold onto that reminds me of him. All I have is my jacket which I always conveniently left in his room so I had a reason to go back, but this time, this time I took it. The only reminder I have of him now are the memories and fantasies in my head and a jacket that smells like his embrace.

A part of me wants a magical ending to my time with him. I want him to realize that he is a fool for not wanting to be with me, and that he misses me. I want him to call me or show up at my house and say he’s sorry, that he made a mistake, and that with the time away he realizes how much he actually likes me. But I can’t wait for him, and this hope isn’t good for me. Love Is not a movie. It’s not a fairytale.

I don’t think my story with him is officially over, but as of now, it looks like it won’t be going in the direction we were all rooting for. However my story with him ends, I could be friends with him. He’s a great guy and I would be stupid not to be his friend.

I also really hope that one day someone makes HIM crazy. I hope that one day he falls in love and wants nothing more in the world than to be with that someone. I told him that.

“And then you want them to break my heart?” he responded.

“Nope. I want it all to work out for you. I want you to be happy.” I said

It’s true. I want the best for him, just like I wanted the best for Scott. It just makes me sad I won’t be the one who is making him crazy. I won’t be the one who makes him happy.

I don’t want you all to think I’m impatient. I could wait for him, but will he ever actually truly come around? I wish I knew what he wanted, but I simply don’t.

Life moves on and there are other boys out there. I’m only 21 and I have plenty of time to fall in love. See, Mo couldn’t promise me we’d be together and he couldn’t promise me in time we wouldn’t. I’m just not sure I should take that gamble.

Also, when I mention the word love I use it to encompass all romantic feelings. I was not in love with Mo. I did really like him, but it wasn’t love. Do I think I could love him? Of course, but that would come with time.

Just because things haven’t worked out with him doesn’t mean they’re not going to work out with someone else. Mo may have ignited my passion for love again with his presence, but his absence doesn’t extinguish it. If anything, I learned so much from this experience with him and I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret anything I’ve done in life. How do you learn if you never make a mistake?

But let me extend this out to all of you. What do YOU think I should do, or what I should have done. Am I at fault here or is it him? Or are none of us wrong. Are BOTH of us wrong? See I honestly don’t know what to do in these type of situations. No one prepares you for this. Movies and books tell you it’s magic and it will ALWAYS work out. But in the real world I’m lost without a map. Maybe him and I were just too different. I was always willing to meet halfway. I just think he wasn’t.

I do believe, however, If I’m supposed to be with Mo it will work out. Maybe not now, but one day. However, I just can’t put my life on hold for “one day,” and I won’t shut out someone wonderful because I’m clinging onto a fantasy. If he does come around, I hope he’s not too late.

I talked about how love isn’t like a fairytale and that’s not true. It can be. With Mo I started to stop believing in it. He was reality, and if reality gave me him, I would of sacrificed all I believed about love. HE wasn’t my fairytale, but that doesn’t mean that someone out there isn’t. I think when it’s all meant it will feel like a movie. It will feel like a book.

I didn’t want to write this update. I wanted to live in my first post, but I knew I had to continue the story. I had to write more and I had to write the truth. I do wish things worked out differently. I wish that for once someone I was falling for would fall for me. But this was a repeat story. Just new characters and a new lesson to be learned, but oddly enough, this time, I feel peace.

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit their and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”

-Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Dating 101

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Being gay is hard. Being gay and christian is even harder. Being gay, christian, and wanting to date, is damn near impossible. Not only is it hard to meet other gay christians, it’s hard to meet other gay’s in general. Granted, I could go to West Hollywood and find them, but those aren’t the type of gays I want to date. I’m single and ready to mingle, and I was confident enough and ready to make the next step. Dating a boy.

I decided to try Grindr. Not the best place to find someone to date. All I found were dirty old men wanting to get down for a quickie. No thanks. I also got a lot of invites to come over and have sex. These people didn’t even want to know my name, they just wanted a body to fuck. Again, no thanks.

Since Grindr was a bust, I decided to try a different approach. Official online dating. I hopped on this site named OkCupid and made a profile. This was a total success. I started talking to guys right away, and they were normal, young, attractive men. I hit the jackpot. I don’t like communicating online for too long, so I always try to meet up for a date as soon as I can. I also always try to get them to ask ME out.

After scanning through profiles I stumbled upon one guy named Mo. I scanned through his photos and read his profile. He was a very outdoorsy guy who loved adventure. Perfect. I shot him a message and he responded. He then invited me to go hiking.

Whoa.

I didn’t know this guy. How do I know he wasn’t going to take me to the mountains to rape and murder me? I didn’t, but how do you think I responded?

“Sure that sounds like fun let’s go!”

Yeah I was totally down to go. I thought it would have been fun and I could have gotten some exercise out of it. Plus I would of showed off my new recent crossfit skills. I wanted to make a good impression.

We planned to go out on a Sunday and I said I wold drive to his house so he could drive us up there. Looking back on all this this was probably not the smartest thing to do if you meet someone online. He really could have turned out to be dangerous, but thank god he wasn’t. Note to everyone reading this though, be careful who you meet online.

He texted me later on in the week to tell me the trail he wanted to take me on was on fire, so I suggested we go to the beach. Thank the trail heavens because I was not down to wake up at 5 am to drive to his house to go on a hike.

So I met Mo in person and I really took a liking to him. I’ll be honest and say I didn’t feel a connection upon first glance, but after spending a day with him I knew he was something special.

I first knew he was special when we were eating lunch at my families restaurant. We were sitting outside and he asked me what I wanted to do with acting. I simply replied, “I want to do it all,” and immediately he starts singing the song I Want It All from High School Musical 3. My heart skipped a beat. Was this manly man actually singing my favorite song from High School Musical?

He was also the first boy to EVER ask if he could kiss me. Again I was taken by surprise. Did he seriously just ask if he could kiss me? Of course he could! But I took a moment, looked him in the eye, and mumbled the word “yes.”

It all started after I had spent the whole night at a kickback which he and his “family,” aka roommates, call Sunday Funday. The night was super fun! I played beer pong with his roommate, someone I immediately developed a best friend crush on. He was totally awesome and drank all the beer because I hate it.

After the party had died down and everyone had left, I was sitting on the pool table waiting to help Mo clean. He then brought out this ukulele and started showing me how to play it. It was like a freaking movie. He grabbed my hands and put them on the proper chords, showing me what was a G or F or whatever. I didn’t care and I wasn’t really listening. All I could think was, “Kevin hide your boner with the ukulele.”

We then made eye contact and he went in for the kill, yet he stopped and backed up. I immediately felt embarrassed, so I just started strumming the ukulele like an idiot thinking, “la de da la de da play a chord do I have bad breath just keep playing act like nothing happened.”

I can’t really remember what happened next, but we got on the subject of my poetry and he wanted to hear it. The only recording I had of my poetry was a poem I wrote about a boy who broke my heart. It was not a “first date subject matter” poem so I told him “no.” He then simply replied “ok.” Wait what? He really just gave up that easy? I wanted him to hear it, but I wanted him to fight for it. Work towards it. So I told him, “You give up to easily,” hoping to rattle his cage. It worked because eventually I showed him the poem.

While I played the recording of the poem he was very quiet and he was listening intently. His eyes also looked teary eyed, but maybe that’s just my imagination wanting this moment in time to seem more badass. After the recording finished he got very serious and told me, “You are very talented and that poem was very good.” He then asked why I hadn’t shared it with more people and the obvious answer is because, well, I would have to out myself. I’m not down for that right now.

After small talk about my poem he looked me in the eye and then asked, all serious, “can I kiss you?” He kissed me and I kissed him back. Yes I know what you’re thinking, “Really? A kiss on the first date?” Um hello if you were in this situation and things were going down the same way, you would have kissed him too. It was perfect. He was a total gentlemen and I adored every second of it. He threw me down on the pool table and the make out that proceeded was hot. How many of you can say you’ve made out on top of a pool table? That’s right.

He then walked me to my car and stood outside until I drove away. Let’s just say I drove away breathless. Did all that really just happen? I was so shocked because I went on a date just that Friday and the guys idea of a fun time was trying to get me drunk and then trying to kiss me. But this, this was something special.

That was date/hangout 1. So far we’ve had 4. I’ll be blunt. I’m terrified. I never understood why people shut out the people they like in fear of getting hurt, but it makes so much sense to me now. Date 4, the most recent, Is the whole reason I started writing this little saga.

Mo and I are very different. He literally takes everything second by second, and here I am thinking way ahead. I’ve already thought about, if things go well, spending thanksgiving and christmas with him. That’s freaking like 6 months away, but I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about him and I dating, and he being my first boyfriend and I his. I don’t think any of those thoughts have crossed his mind. It drives me insane because he’s an open book yet he’s very hard to read. It’s like trying to read Arabic, it’s beautiful, but I have no clue what it says.

So on my dates with him I’ve slowly begun picking his brain about relationships. Let me be honest and first say that I am sometimes too honest with my feelings. I say things that I know should not be said, but I hate this whole love game thing. It’s awful and drives me insane. Thank God Mo is different, because I think I may have, by this point, scared off someone sane.

I can be so damn insecure. I always need validation or some form of affirmation. It’s my love language. I want to be affirmed I’m doing something right. I want to be assured that someone likes me. Mo is not like that. He doesn’t tell people he appreciates them because he assumes they know. Not me. Hell, I still don’t even believe he likes me, but that’s just my insecurities.

Also he’s not a texter. I, on the other hand, am an avid texter. Daily communication with the person I like is very important to me. I want to know they want to talk to me and that they desire to have me be around them. I want to know about their day and what’s happening in their lives. I like texting because It shows I’m on their mind. He doesn’t text, so this is something I’m starting to get used to. But I’ll be honest and say I wish he would just initiate a text. Should I assume he’s thinking of me?

When I like someone I also try really hard to get them to like me. I sorta act like a chameleon and blend into what they like. This is a total turn off to Mo. He wants someone to be an individual. Stand on their own. I’m my own too, but I want “my own” to be what he likes.

For example, I literally bought a hoodie because he really likes them and I wore it on date 3. I arrived at his house hoping he would say something about it and compliment me for it. He goes, “I really like your boots!”  Yeah I like my boots too, but that’s not what I was trying to impress you with.

He’s never officially dated someone so that leaves me feeling confident and scared. Will I be the first one he chooses to call his, or will I just be another statistic of someone who fell for him but he chose not to date? And the fact that he doesn’t look beyond the day he’s on drives me nuts. He says he takes time to get to know someone, to feel them out before he decides he likes them or not. I am the absolute opposite. I can fall for someone after 1 meeting and know I like them. I don’t know, I’m so passionate about love, I don’t think it has to be a long complicated process. I don’t need time. I just need commitment once I make up my mind. My attitude is, “Let’s do this!”

Much like my broken hearted poem situation, Mo has his own similar situation. I finally asked if I could see a picture of this guy Mo had hurt in return for me showing him a picture of my ex girlfriend. This guy Mo showed me was super attractive and I was shocked. I don’t know why I thought he would be ugly, but I did. This just goes to prove that I’m a little shallow. I thought Mo rejected him based on looks, but after seeing him, even I felt ugly.

But let me go on and talk about date 4. I’ve never been so self conscious and embarrassed than I did on this date. I put a lot of effort into planning it. I literally sat in Barnes and Noble looking at LA tourism books to see the most fun things to do. It’s a little obvious now that I care about making a good impression to him.

The plan for the date was church, museum, and then food. Unfortunately the main pastor at my church was not preaching so I opted we skip it. We headed straight for LACMA, and to be quite honest the art was “eh.” It pained me because the whole time I was walking around I wanted to hold his hand. I just wanted to be close to him.

Let me discuss my thing with PDA. I don’t think I could do it full out, but there are some things I would like to do. I would like to be able to hold someones hand for a few seconds, or I would like a quick kiss. Nothing big, but just enough to show me they want to touch me as much as I want to touch them. However, every time I think about trying that with Mo I feel like he doesn’t want it so I don’t attempt. However, that could just be my very active method of over thinking.

We left LACMA and headed straight over to my favorite restaurant called All About The Bread. I ordered my usual meatball sub and he decided between the House sandwich or Mafia. The Mafia had nuts so I told him to go with the House. Once he said “why?” I had to awkwardly explain that if he got nuts I would not be able to kiss him. It didn’t matter because we didn’t even kiss on this date, however, he got the House.

At lunch we discussed something that was so simple to me, but so weird for him. The idea of who pays for who on dates. I told him it’s old fashioned, but the guy will always pay for the girl. He looked at me like I was crazy. Was I? That’s what I had always learned. I then explained that with two guys I assume they switch off. He assumed everyone just paid for themselves. That’s weird for me. If I’m asked out I assume they pay. I mean they asked ME out. It’s pretty basic in my mind.

After lunch we headed over to the Museum of Death. Dear god I saw things in there I wish I could wipe from my mind. It was gruesome, and I never felt so afraid of serial killers. There are some crazy ass people out there.

After that museum we headed to Honey Boba. We finished all our events long before I thought we would, and we had some extra time to kill before he had to leave for Sunday Funday. This is the part of the story where I literally threw my face in my arms on a table in sheer embarrassment.

Boba was delicious, as always, and we sat at a table and talked more about relationships and fears. It was a good conversation, yet I felt like I was treading water. I didn’t want to say something to cause me to drown.

Like I said earlier, I am a very open person who may talk and say a little too much. This was one of those moments.

He asked me what my fear in relationships were and I took this as an opportune time to be vulnerable and honest. “Why not?” I thought. Honesty is the best policy.

“Rejection,” I said, “My biggest fear is rejection, but I feel like that’s everyones fear.”

I said it. The number 1 thing I was afraid of. He then looks at me dead in the eyes and responds with,

“Can I go pee?”

Here I was about to get deep and he asks me if he could pee? Let’s just say I wasn’t expecting it.

Upon returning from the bathroom he and I continued our conversation. He asked what about rejection scared me and I told him, and then  we talked about it. I was being open and vulnerable. I was laying my heart out there for him to see, and I expected him to be soft in responding.

He got very serious and tells me, “You should probably never say that to someone you are dating ever again.”

“Oh?” was my first thought.

I felt like an idiot. I’ve never before felt the way I did in that moment. So many emotions rushed through me. Anger, fear, stupidity, anxiousness, and a bit of sadness. Did I just scare him away from me?

He continued.

“It’s because it adds a lot of pressure to the person you’re dating.”

I literally hid my face in embarrassment. I thought this was it, I totally fucked up. I ruined something that was going so smooth, or at least I thought it was. He then starts laughing at me. He thought it was adorable I got so embarrassed.

“I’ve never made anyone that embarrassed!” he remarked.

Overall, I didn’t scare him. I immediately asked if what I said made a difference and he said, “No, but then I’m not like everyone else.”

Let me break this down for you. I’m not afraid of someone not liking me. I know not everyone is going to like me. Someone once told me they weren’t attracted to me because I wasn’t toned enough and I looked too hispanic. Really? I got over it. I thought it was hilarious because he wasn’t even good looking.

What I’m really afraid of is liking someone, investing time and feelings, and then having it all be in vain. That’s what I’m afraid of. See I know I’m ready to commit to the person I like because it takes a lot for me to like someone. I don’t just give my heart out to anyone who might want it. It’s rare for me to genuinely have feelings for someone. People would often joke, “Everyone likes Kevin, but Kevin doesn’t like anyone.” It’s true.

After boba, that whole scene just became a joke between us. We turned my embarrassment and his comment into something to laugh about. I’m glad to know he was just trying to offer advice to look out for me, however, I don’t want to talk with him about what I should do if I’m dating other people. In this moment, right now, I don’t want to date other people. I want to date him.

Mo is teaching me a lot. Because he is so different than me, I’m learning more and more about myself. For one, I over think EVERYTHING. Here I am thinking too much and here he is barely thinking at all. My mind is about 20 years ahead in thoughts than his. It’s not bad, but it’s just different. I could really learn to relax and to have patience from going out with him. I hope he’s learning from me just as much as I am learning from him.

He shared with me two fears. One fear he has is me not liking him. Oh does this sound familiar to my rejection fear? Yeah he caught himself in that one. His other fear is me liking him too much too soon. Those are very opposing fears to have. I probably do like him more than he likes me, but I’m not going to tell him that nor will I do anything to show it. He just doesn’t want someone to reach, what I think love, before he does.

Overall I don’t know where him and I stand, but if things keep going the way they are, I know where we will fall. I think we’re headed towards a relationship. To be quite honest, I am totally down with that. I thought I would be scared to have a boyfriend. To have to come out, but when you meet someone you really like that fear dissolves. When you’re with someone you truly care about it doesn’t matter what others say or think. At least that’s how it is for me. I would gladly and proudly tell people, “Hey! This is my boyfriend.” I don’t know, it just wouldn’t bother me. It does help he’s super masculine though. I really do like that quality. He’s a manly man, but he also loves musicals. It’s literally the perfect blend.

I can easily decipher how I feel, but I can’t solve him. He’s like the ISIS puzzle thats sits in a box on my dresser. A beautifully designed puzzle that is damn near impossible to open. I bet it’s his simplicity that confuses me. My thinking is complex and intricate, and his is probably straight forward and logical. Hell I sound like the woman in this whole damn equation.

So that’s all I have to say about my adventures with Mo and dating thus far. Oh Mo is not his real name by the way. I decided not to use it just in case he didn’t want me to use his real name. Mo is a little nickname people use for him. I would never use it in person, but for the sake of this, it fits well.

In conclusion, I’m no longer worried about what he thinks of me. I’ve tried so hard to mold into what he likes, but I also need to show him what I like. He needs to make sacrifices just as much as I am. Relationships are about give and take, and if he and I are to have a successful one, he needs to give too. He is though, so I don’t want y’all to think he’s not, but I need to stop being so scared to voice my side of things or how I feel. I also always need to remember the Universal Truth of Dating. Thousands will want me and millions won’t. Mo is just 1 of thousands, so why worry?

I’m not going to.

I look forward to our next date because I’m not going to over think, stress, or worry. I’m just going to have fun. That sounds nice.

Oh, and relaxing.