Knotted

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My stomach is still tied up in knots. I have been in Nashville for over 24 hours and it already feels like a roller coaster ride. It’s not bad, surprisingly it’s going a lot better than I imagined, but it still has its moments.

I have always imagined the moment I flew into Nashville. I would walk down the stairs to the baggage claim and Corbit would be standing there with flowers. I would then drop my bag and run to him as he picks me up, spins me around, and slowly lowers me as we kiss. It would feel like we were the only people in the entire world and I wouldn’t care who was watching. They would have been so lucky to see something like that. Unfortunately, that is not how it happened.

I walked down the stairs and there was no Corbit standing there. There were no flowers, no hugs, and no kisses. I didn’t think there would be, but that didn’t mean a small part of me didn’t hope that something like that could actually happen to me. I romanticize too much, but I think one day something like that could come true.

I found him pulling up outside. My stomach was churning and my heart was beating faster than hummingbird wings. I didn’t know if I was scared, happy, or I just simply wanted to shit my pants. Maybe all 3? He got out of the car and gave me a hug. I didn’t want to let go. I hadn’t physically seen him in months and I just wanted to hold onto that moment. But I let him go because I didn’t want to hang on too much, and hopped in the car. I thought we would sit in silence, but conversations flowed easily, it was like he already was able to categorize me as a friend and it made me uncomfortable. How could he have let go of everything like that and so easily? I tried not to think about it, and I definetly tried not to think about his new boy Wesley. I still can’t think about them together without wanting to throw up.

The day we spent together was pretty calm, relaxed, and fun. We went shopping together at Whole Foods, exercised at the gym, and then came home and cooked up some grass fed beef. Apparently, if they eat grass it’s better meat, but hell it’s all the same to me. But the whole time I couldn’t read him. I felt like there was still a pull between us but how was I to know? Clearly I’m love challenged and not very good at making it work so it was very plausible I could read the entire situation wrong.

That night when we went to bed we shared his bed. And right before we were about to go to sleep he picked up his phone to text Wesley goodnight. That killed me. Here I was in his bed and still he was wishing someone else goodnight. I couldn’t get angry, I knew what I was getting myself into, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt. And man, did it hurt. Every time he picks up his phone, although not often, I hurt knowing there is some other boy on the other line.

That night, before we went to sleep, I told him what I was feeling. I confessed about the unease I felt with Wesley and how much it hurt knowing that he was in the picture. I felt so blind sided. I told Corbit that I’m scared the connection we have he will soon have with him and I will have lost everything. He told me that he would never give away to someone else the parts he has given to me, but I know how love works, and love makes you grow close to people. I’m not saying he loves him, but one day he could. And then the vulnerability he has with me, he will definetly share with him.

There was one moment though, that threw me off. He told me that he felt one day he and I would be together, but it’s just not now. That was so sweet to hear, but also so unfair. Why tell me that and not act on it? If he wanted to be with me, he could. I would be his if he asked, but I refuse to play second to someone else. I told him why waste our time if we know we are what we want, but I don’t think he really had answer for that.

It was hard going to sleep that night. I wanted to hug him. How do you share a bed with someone you feel so strongly for and not hold them? But I refrained, if he wanted to make a move he could, but I would not be the one doing it. It would look bad on my part, and I told him I respect whatever relationship he and Wesley have.

The next day, I let everything settle. I had to be okay with him moving on, no matter how much it hurt me. I had two options, I could either slink away in anger and stop talking to him or I could just accept it as it is and keep him in my life. If I truly cared about him, I would put his needs first, and I am. I am not shutting him out. I can face the pain, and diamonds are formed in the fire.

We spent this next day writing more music and going to a park. There are fireflies in Nashville, but they only come out in summer and unfortunately it’s fall. I love fireflies, and I think they’re some of the most beautiful bugs god created. Just think, they produce light for a split second lighting up the night sky. How awesome is that? As we were walking back to the car, I saw it. A quick glow in the woods that flashed for a second and then faded back to black. It was a single firefly, out in the world when all the other fireflies were not. Corbit turned to me and said that the world was giving that firefly to me. And it felt special. I told him I wish there were more, but I caught myself and added, but I am so thankful I just even got to see one. And that is when it hit me. That is how I was feeling for Corbit. It wasn’t how I wanted, but I was getting time with him, and I was thankful for that. You don’t need the whole thing to see the beauty in it.

That night we came home and watched My Best Friends Wedding, which is my all time favorite Rom Com. He had never seen it before, and for those who haven’t it’s about a girl in love with her best friend and trying to win back the romance they once had before he gets married. Sound familiar? Oh the irony of life. After the film I told him that I would support him in whoever he chose to be with. He just stared at me, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel it in the way he looked at me.

We went downstairs and played some music. He sang to me my favorite of his covers and I could feel the tears build up. I wanted to listen to this music everyday of my life. I showed him the drawing I made of him and also the necklace I made of the guitar pick he gave me from that first night we met. He seemed dumbfounded and told me he was in shock that someone could actually feel that way about him. He is so guarded, but also so clueless of all the love I know he has inside. I see it when he talks to strangers. He genuinely cares about their lives, and maybe he doesn’t even notice it. But that, that is a form of love that not even I have.

At one point during the night I just wanted to be close to him, so I laid my hand on his shoulder. He asked what I was doing and I told him I just felt like I needed to be close to him. He agreed and I proceeded to ask if I could hold his hand. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “can I lay down with you? Is that alright?” I was dumbfounded. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms. We fell asleep on the sofa tied together in a knot of limbs waking up at 3 am.

We headed to his bed and I was scared that the cuddle session was over. I saw his phone sitting on his bedside table and I just imagined him picking it, texting Wesley, and turning away from me to go to sleep. But he brushed his teeth, slid into bed, and scooped me up with my head on his chest. We slept the entire night like that, switching between positions but never letting go. I would test it too, and loosen my self away, but he would always pull me back. It was so nice being close to him like that, and the best part was I didn’t force it, he came to me.

But I’m scared. What if when I go to bed tonight there is no cuddles, there is no more closeness, and all I feel is a pillow between us. Will I be okay? His feelings come in and out, I just ask that they stay. A small part of me does want him to see the effort I’m putting in and to choose me. To pursue me and make us work. But he says it still hasn’t hit him yet that I’m here, and I hope when it does, the love follows along with it.

To Be Continued…

 

WTF Am I Doing?

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In just a few days I will be in Nashville with Corbit. Everything sounds wonderful, we will finally be together again. But today he dropped a truth bomb that shattered every illusion of hope that I had.

He wanted to discuss the trip with me, and I was very hesitant to tell him that I was still coming. I didn’t want him to tell me that he didn’t want me there. That he didn’t care to see me, but that wasn’t it at all. He informed me that he has been talking to someone and that he likes him. Ouch. It was almost like I got punched in the gut, and in that moment I wanted to scream, cry, and throw up. I was angry, and I was sad. I was thankful in that moment he couldn’t see my eyes because they would have told him how hurt I felt. Instead I gave my most fake smile and told him how great that is to hear. That I am happy he has found interest in someone. I mean I do want him to be happy, I just want that happiness to be with me.

Corbit and I have this insane connection. We can’t let one another go, and although he says it is no longer romantic on his side, I don’t believe it. He once felt love for me, and that doesn’t just die. Especially if it was real as he says. There was a point where I meant the world to him, I just don’t know how to bring that back, but me being with him in Nashville might do the trick.

It was hard hearing him to tell me the moment his feelings switched, it was when I hooked up with someone behind his back. He said that that is just a trigger he doesn’t think he could get past, yet everything he did after that moment said he still wanted to be with me. The fact he asked if it was okay to trust me again, the songs he would send about love, the vulnerability he had with me. IS that all stuff you tell just a friend? What if that is my role with him, just friend. Am I strong enough to do that?

Ever since he told me about Wesley, yes his new boy unfortunately has a name, I can’t stop thinking about it. All I can picture is them kissing, talking, and laughing together. I see Corbit in love and it’s like someone is pulling apart my ribs. Okay, that sounds dramatic, but you get the picture. He said what they have is new and he doesn’t even know what it is. But it doesn’t matter. In my mind he found someone, and that someone found him too. It’s only a matter of time before they become a couple. Again, this goes back to, EVERY BOY I’VE LOVED HAS FOUND SOMEONE. I don’t understand it really. I wish I felt for Corbit a lot sooner, I don’t get why my emotions are always so late tot the game. It’s almost like they want to have something to fight for so they jump in in the last seconds just to get knocked out. But they always try. I, always try.

Crazy thing is, I am still following through with my trip to Nashville. It’s so stupid for me to do this, especially with the new given information. He doesn’t want me, that seems to be clear enough, yet a small part of me thinks going to Nashville can help. This trip is either going to be great, or it’s going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just ask God to give me the strength to remain strong while I am there and for my emotions to remain in check. But I might need a little more than prayer, so thank you doctor for providing me with Clonazepam for my anxiety. I’m going to need it.

We have two days until my flight. I’m scared something last minute will go wrong and I’ll receive a call saying that Corbit doesn’t think it’s best I come because of this Wesley kid and their “whatever” relationship. But if he does, then there is my answer. No more fighting. No more me bending over backwards for someone. I’m done.

To be Continued…

 

 

Roundtrip

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I think I am about to embark on one of my craziest adventures yet. I am headed to Nashville to see Corbit.

For those who don’t know, I met Corbit back in May when I was in Nashville visiting my best friend. We hit it off right away, but he was a guarded person and I wasn’t sure I could overcome his barriers. We talked almost everyday since we met. We shared music, poetry, and parts of ourselves we promised to keep to ourselves. But a week before he was to come visit me in California, I opened up about a hook up I had with someone since he and I met. He took this as cheating and I crushed him, proved to be another cheater like his first love. I just wanted to be honest. But we were never an official couple, so to say I cheated could be debated. Yet that doesn’t matter.

After that I felt like there wasn’t this pressure on me to match his emotions and the months that followed my heart grew for him. I would share this with him and he would be hesitant, but I chalked that up to him not wanting to trust me. That would take time. But about a week ago he said he doesn’t feel what I feel. That took me by surprise because up until this point we were still sharing love songs, emotions, and opening up to one another. But this seems to be a repeated trajectory of my love life, I fall in when they fall out.

Yet, I don’t believe him. He still writes me and says I am on his mind, he still sends me music. “Friend” feels like the loosest word between us, and I don’t think that is all we are. There is something there between us, and I have to find out. Until I exhaust all my resources, I won’t give up.

I have had this trip planned for over a month. He knew of me coming, but since his confession of mix matched feelings, we haven’t discussed it. I don’t know if he knows I am coming or not but I don’t want to tell him. I’m scared if I do he will tell me not to come. But a friend of mine reminded me that often times we confuse our needs and wants, and although he may say he doesn’t want me to, maybe for our relationship to grow or end we need to be together in person. We need to see what it’s like when we’re back in the same room.

Honestly, my intentions for initially going were romantic. I want us to be together, but the more I thought about it, the more I realize I just want to spend time with him. I want to keep getting to know him. And awhile back I swore I was done with this, with guarded boys like him, but I love a challenge. I just can’t seem to shake him from my heart or mind no matter how hard I try. My best friend says I am ultimately hurting myself. That I am leading myself to heartbreak and I will only have myself to blame. She SWEARS I know deep down that it won’t work. But I have a little thing called hope, and hope tells me that anything is possible.

I’m trying to think through and emotionally live the worst case scenarios before I arrive. This way I could prepare myself for whatever is to come next, but I don’t think you can prepare for something like this. This might end in flames and be a total waste of time, but I think love requires everything we got. And I want to be a man who said he gave it all for love. I think that’s the way we all should be.

To Be Continued…

Equations

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I’ve never really been good at math. I got a C my freshmen year and cheated in AP Calculus my senior year off of a sophomore who was in the class. Needless to say, numbers aren’t my strong suit. But words, words were always my forte. I loved English, and I love to express myself. Maybe that is why I hated math, how do you express yourself with numbers? Here’s a way, right now, I feel like a zero.

I had an epiphany the other morning. It all started when my ex boyfriends new boyfriend blocked me on Snapchat. Okay, you’re probably all thinking, “why the fuck would you be following your exes new boy on social media!” But let me give you a brief backstory so I don’t look crazy. There is a logical reason, I promise.

So one day while swiping through tinder this boy popped up. He wasn’t really my type, but our one common connection was my ex and I thought that was interesting. They didn’t have any ties to one another so obviously they met through Tinder. I swiped right, I wanted to steal him from Shay, and he and I were a match. We started talking, following one another on social media, and texting. I tried to meet up, but realized I didn’t want to go through all that effort to sabotage a new relationship for Shay. I didn’t like this Tinder boy and my intentions were pure evil; destroy Shay. So I let it go. I stopped texting, and moved on with my life leaving my little plan aside. One day, however, I see them hanging out on Snapchat and I knew my intuition was right that eventually they would get together. When I saw it, I felt weird. I knew eventually Shay would move on, but I didn’t expect to see it. But in today’s day and age, how can one really disconnect and avoid anything? Tinder boy, however, still followed me and would look at my snap stories. Did he not know I was Shane’s ex?

The other day though, I wanted to test the waters. So I sent Tinder boy a snap. He didn’t respond, and the following day, he blocked me. I knew once I reached out he would block me. Frankly, it was weird he was following me and weird I was following him and know all this random information. I’m very intuitive about stupid shit. So THAT is how I came about Tinder boy. Looking back, I do look a little crazy.

Back to the epiphany. I realized, because of Tinder boy’s blockage, that all of my exes are happily in a relationship with someone. And I’m not exaggerating. Every guy I have ever liked, is currently with someone. Mo, the guy who originated this whole blog for me, is out in Burning Man right now celebrating a one year anniversary. Mo, the boy who never loved anyone or spent a significant time dating someone, is celebrating one fucking year. Ryan, my first boyfriend who is kipped over in this blog, is also with someone. Shay, my most recent boyfriend, is currently with someone. And even my ex girlfriend is engaged to be married! The only person who is not with someone, is me. And it’s not that I have to be with anyone. I don’t, but looking at those I once loved in love with someone else, is painful. I sometimes wonder if I am the problem in the equation of dating. Am I the factor that needs to be subtracted in order to find the right answer? Yes, there is Corbit. He and I are still talking, but I am not in a relationship. I don’t have someone to lean on that I love.

I shouldn’t be consumed by those of the past while they live their future, but I can’t help but to look. I’m glad they’re happy, I really am. But I suppose I want that for myself too. I know I have to be patient. As Diana Ross once sang, “you can’t hurry love you just have to wait.” Well Miss Ross, I am tired of waiting. But I’m keeping my head up, and in the meantime, out of my exe’s social media.

 

Crossover

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Feelings are fickle, and they constantly change. I am a big example of that, and sometimes, they even cross over.

The gay world in Los Angeles is small. If I go to my local gay bars I will see all the guys from Tinder and Bumble spilling drinks and laughing amongst one another. It kind of blows my mind that after all this time, we’re all still single and looking for love. Tonight was one of those nights where I could tell just how small the gay world was.

Dan and I have become great friends over the last few months, and I am so thankful we never kissed or did anything physical because I think it would taint the amazing friendship we have now. I never thought he and I would become great friends, but we hangout almost everyday in the gym and gush over the same boys while creating our own inside jokes. It’s awesome, and it’s nice to have a gay best friend who understands it all.

After my ordeal with Miles I never pursued it further. It was what it was and I didn’t feel what he felt. Later, however, he updated me that all he felt was infatuation and he didn’t actually like me as a person. Whatever. The point is, I never could have predicted what would come next.

The first time Dan met Miles was when Miles came out to West Hollywood to hangout with me. It was early on when Miles and I started talking and I was trying to figure out where I wanted to place him in my life. Dan assumed Miles and I were sleeping with one another, and up until this point, we had done nothing but kiss. Dan got mad and resented Miles, yet for some reason bought him a beer. Maybe he assumed he was doing me a favor?

After a couple weeks and I told Miles I wasn’t interested in a relationship, he ended up matching with Dan on Tinder. I thought it was weird when Dan told me in the gym he and Miles were a match. I didn’t need an old flame pursuing my old flame turned best gay friend. I explained to Dan it was awkward that they talk, but I never told him Miles and I hooked up. I just left it as is and hoped he would heed my precautions.

I then reached out to Miles and told him it was weird he pursue Dan. He was just hitting me up to hook up and now here he is starting to talk to Dan. It felt weird, and he even tried to take us both out at the same time. What the hell, this isn’t the damn Bachelor.

But Dan never understood why it weirded me out so much, and as time progressed he and Miles grew closer and closer. They’re not a couple, but they might as well be. Now they go out regularly and talk often, and it’s weird watching them thinking I hooked up with Miles. Just think, if they got married and I was still best friends with Dan, I would have at one point slept with his husband. It’s weird and I can’t really erase that from my mind. Damn, even if they were just boyfriends. I slept with my best friends boyfriend. But he seems happy, and who am I to take that away from him or try and stop it?

Miles and I never told Dan we hooked up. I didn’t see a point in it. I saw how he reacted when he thought I hooked up with him I couldn’t imagine what he would feel when I told him I actually did. Plus he seemed excited to be talking to a boy, and I didn’t want to ruin that. I don’t know Miles’ motivation for not telling him, but I assume for almost the same reasons. It wouldn’t benefit their new relationship, so why tell? But Dan eventually found out.

I left my laptop open while I was working on a blog post and Dan saw it while he was over at my apartment. He took down the url and read them in the privacy of his home. I’m not mad about it, but I haven’t said the nicest things about previous dates in this blog; including him. I never write to be nasty, I just write my uncensored opinion, and he is probably going to read this one too. But I refuse to censor myself, so therefore, I won’t. I never share this blog with people, especially the ones who are in it. Yes it’s public, but it feels like my own personal journal. It’s my thoughts, fears, feelings, and hopes. I share because maybe someone could relate, or learn from it. Who knows.

Tonight was the first time, however, that I was around Dan and Miles at the same time. It was weird, and made me slightly uncomfortable, but I can’t exactly explain why. I wasn’t bothered because I wanted to be with either one of them, but there was a hint of jealousy inside me. I think I was jealous that they had someone, and I just wish sometimes, that I had someone too. It was also kinda weird watching Dan kiss someone who I kissed, and I wondered if he thought he was as tense of a kisser as I did. But as I stood there dancing while repeatedly telling myself it was okay to be alone, I couldn’t help but notice all the couples around me kissing. They were drunk on liquor and love, and I wanted a taste of what they all felt. And the crazy thing is, I feel it, but for someone on the other side of the country.

Last I updated on was that Corbit and I were no more, but as the months have passed we have started to talk more and more, and I even booked a ticket to fly out and see him at the end of September. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but what I feel for him now is stronger than it ever was before. Maybe it’s because I feel like the pressure is off, and now I don’t feel like I have to feel a certain way. But he doesn’t trust me, and he keeps his once open heart closed off and at bay from me. Hopefully, when I am out there, I can change that. It may seem crazy and out of the blue, but I almost feel like he could be the one for me. Maybe not. Maybe it’s the distance and the loneliness of love making me crazy, but there is something about him I can’t shake and I am determined to find out. But that’s another story for another time.

I am glad Dan is happy, or at least I hope he is happy. Yet when I look at him and Miles together, I just don’t see it. It seems like a strange pairing to me, but of course I probably do have a biased outlook on the whole situation. I miss the attention they both once gave me, and as time moves on and his relationship with Miles progresses, I will get less and less of Dan’s attention too. But I am trying this new thing where I’m not a selfish petty bitch, but it’s actually really hard. I mean, I’m trying to break 24 years of selfishness, and it took Corbit calling me out on it to finally see it. Love makes you grow, and right now, I’m growing. I just hope one day I have someone to grow with, but who knows, he could already be here.

Child’s Ticket Please!

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It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, but I can reassure y’all I haven’t stopped going on dates, I simply just stopped writing. I’ve been lazy and laser focused on preparing my body for acting that I haven’t taken the time to just sit down and write. But here goes.

When I start chatting with a new guy I never really save their number in my phone. It’s problematic because I can’t always remember who I’m talking to, and for this guy, I never saved his number. So let’s just call him, 270.

270 is an actor like me, and we decided to meet for the first time at the cafe by my apartment to talk business and get to know one another. Apparently he is a coaster head, and for those who don’t know what that means, he is obsessed with roller coasters. I don’t know why, but that just seemed weird to me. He is very into roller coasters, and hit up every amusement park on his way from Kentucky to California. I mean, when you think about it, that does sound pretty fun and cool. Yet for some reason it seemed creepy and awkward when he talked to me about it.

After we had tea we ended up going to get ice cream. I can’t resist a sweet treat, and he was a handsome dude. But I couldn’t shake this feeling that something just felt off. I’m a very intuitive guy, so I normally will feel vibes from people and they are generally right. While driving I made a comment about something and he jokingly pushed my head away. You know the thing you do when someone is being silly? But it was forceful and I did not like being touched in that way. It felt, aggressive.

As we waited in line for the ice cream he was making comments about wanting to go to the movies. He then spent the entire time searching around for the cheapest movie tickets and then commented that he would just buy a child ticket instead. Okay, I’m all about saving money. But when you first meet someone and you’re on a date, you should not talk about how cheap you are and saying that as a grown ass man you are going to buy a childrens ticket. That was just NOT attractive to me. I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing a movie that night, so we didn’t end up going. Thank God.

He drove me back to my apartment and I lied about which building I lived in. Maybe he isn’t a psycho killer, but I still got weird vibes and I didn’t like the idea of him knowing where I lived.

After that night I wasn’t feeling it, but I have kind of been desperate to find love so I decided to give it another shot. Plus, I always think someone deserves more than one date. The first time they go out they could be nervous and just not know what to do or say, so I like to give them a chance.

For our second date we decided to actually go to the movies, and I was a nervous wreck thinking he was going to buy a child’s ticket. I bought my own ticket because after our previous conversation, I knew he wasn’t going to. We decided to see the movie Light’s Out and during scary parts, he screamed like a girl. He was literally terrified and it was hilarious! I do get scared, don’t get me wrong, but I was not on his level. And maybe if I was vibing more with him I would have found this behavior cute. Instead, it was a turn off.

The awkwardness, however, came full force when during the movie he put his hand on my leg. I had a feeling he might try to make a move, so I kept my arms crossed the entire time in order to not give off the vibe I wanted to hold hands or be intimate. Again, I just wasn’t feeling it. But there was his hand resting on my knee waiting for me to reach for him. I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. After a bit of time I readjusted myself in my seat in order to move my knee out from his clutches. He removed his hand and I thought that was the end of it. I mean, after that wouldn’t you get the hint that the other person wasn’t feeling it? But this guy was either ballsy or proving my point that he might be crazy because he did it again! This time I repeated my same tactic and I didn’t give into his advancements. I didn’t do it to be rude, but I just didn’t want to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. I shouldn’t have to hold someone’s hand because I feel bad. That’s not fair to them nor myself. So, I didn’t.

I dropped him off and when I got home received a text from him asking if I was interested. So he WAS picking up my hints that I wasn’t. Like I said before, I got weird vibes so I had to tread the conversation carefully. I explained that I wasn’t feeling it and he replied with “ya me neither.” Excuse me, but just an hour ago you were trying to get at me. He then made comments about how he had never been around someone so uninterested. Sorry, but not sorry. I can’t force myself to feel something just because you like me. Remember that people, just because someone is interested doesn’t mean you owe them anything.

After all this he still hits me up from time to time asking me to do things. He once drunk called me when he was out at the bar. Again, the whole things felt and still feels weird. But hey, it’s something to write about.

Running for Miles

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My first go to distraction is hoping onto a dating app and allowing myself to mindlessly swipe through potential suitors. This is both tedious and mind consuming, but i’s also fun to know some of my options out there. But realistically, most of them fucking suck. I see the same damn people pop up on these apps, and I just think to myself, after all this time they couldn’t find someone?

I met Miles through OkCupid. He had messaged me during my time with Corbit and I never responded to him. But now with my Corbit drama set aside, I was able to look at my new options.

I couldn’t tell if i thought he was cute. He had a very nice physique which I immediately found intimidating. I get super insecure with my body, and the guys I tend to feel drawn to have nice figures. This just makes me feel inadequate in comparison. I’m not fat, but I’m also not all muscle. I’m just thin.

I responded to Miles and we agreed to meet for tea at this cafe by my apartment. It was super convenient for me because I could just walk there, which was nice in case I wanted to bounce. We ended up having a great conversation and we got along great! His body was just as nice as the photos, and he was cuter than I anticipated.

We talked about Game of Thrones, our families, and of course coming out. He still isn’t out, but he confessed that his family has a good idea that he is. He also has never had a boyfriend, and dating boys is somewhat new to him. This was a red flag for me, but he was okay with being gay, so that alleviated the fears I normally have of being someones first.

After that night, we agreed to meet up again. I wanted to get to know him more, but I could already tell the attraction wasn’t fully there for me. I don’t know why, but I put my doubts aside and decided to spend a bit more time with him.

He invited me to this house party and I decided to stop by on my way home from Santa Barbara. I knew no one there, but I didn’t care. It’s always so fun to be somewhere new meeting new people, and it would be fun to see him interact with other people.

At one point during the party, we started taking jello shots and eating pizza. I felt guilty breaking my diet, but the jello shots had little dinosaurs in them and I couldn’t resist. Later on we sat by the bonfire while Miles stripped down into his underwear to jump in the pool for a swim. I immediately caressed his body with my hands and used the jello shots as an excuse as to why. His body was solid and felt good to touch.

After that night, he helped me a few days later moving boxes of books into my room. I hate to admit it, but I asked him to help me because I didn’t want to do it myself. He carried every heavy box up a flight of stairs into my bedroom, and made moving a very easy task. I wasn’t using him! At least, I don’t think. But he was happy to help me move, and he made some sweet comment about how he would be happy to help if only he got to spend time with me.

Afterwards I lit some candles, plugged in my white lights, and we just laid down on my bed talking. We kissed, and one thing led to another and clothes were off with a wide open window. His body was beautiful, but the way he kissed did not match well with mine. His lips were tense, and he just needed to relax a bit. Theres a lot you can tell from a kiss, and ours weren’t a pair.

We didn’t do much, and kept everything very safe. I’m not one to offer up the goods and put myself at risk. Afterwards, however, he confessed he hadn’t had an STD test in 2 years. I tried not to panic, and he reassured me that it was because he hadn’t really hooked up with anyone, and if he did he was very safe. I don’t care how safe you are, you need to get regular checkups with your doctor. So I told him he had to go get STD checked and he agreed. A week later he got back to me and told me he was all clear. Intuitively I knew there wasn’t a problem, but you can never be too sure ya know?

Our next “date” was a screening of a movie. Up until this point I hadn’t really talked about emotions. I didn’t want to presume he wanted to work towards a relationship, and I was just riding the currents to see where it would take me. After the screening he tried asking me out on a “proper date” but I kind of deflected. He is great, and nice, and funny, but I could tell it wasn’t for me. I think I’m just not emotionally available just yet. I still like Corbit, and I’m confused as all hell as to what to do with him and my feelings for him.

After the screening, Miles kissed me goodnight and I didn’t want to. I tried to go for the hug and he went for the kiss. I gave in, I didn’t know how to say I didn’t want to without sounding rude.

A few days after that he text me telling me he wanted to pursue me further but wanted to see if we were on the same page. I told him i enjoyed spending time with him, but I didn’t want a serious relationship at this time. I think the way he took it was that I wanted to sleep around, but that’s not what I meant at all. I simply meant that I want to keep my options open for the right person. He understood, but confessed he’s hoping to find something serious. And truthfully, I hope he does. But unfortunately I know that isn’t with me.

We still talk, and I can tell he would make a great friend, but it’s up to him if he wants to maintain that friendship. I don’t want to lead him on, and I hope that I don’t. But I suck when it comes to love and relationships, and knowing me, I will find some way to fuck it up.

When the Music Dies

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Ever since I left Corbit and Nashville and returned to LA, he and I have been in contact nearly every day. We FaceTime, Text, and will call one another. It’s fun and it’s nice, but it isn’t enough for me. I needed more time with him to calculate my feelings and see how we interact with one another in person. What’s it like to go on a date? To see a movie together?  To shop or walk around a mall?  To just be, in one another’s presence? These may sound silly, but it is needed in order for my feelings to grow and develop. Like I still don’t even know what his sense of humor is like, or what he does with his friends and how he interacts with other people. I only know the way he treats me, so I could never tell if his behavior towards me was special or different. Only he could know that, and arguments had arisen because I didn’t know any of this. But, can you blame me?

Corbit was scheduled to fly out to California today. He had just spent 3 weeks in Cuba working and studying medicine and he would try his best to find wifi and contact me. It was sweet, he had opened up to me that he really liked me, and I really liked him too, but I don’t think my feelings matched his. He was ready to be all in, and I think I wasn’t.

Before he left for Cuba, we briefly discussed exclusivity, but it was left with gray areas. We both agreed we weren’t romantically pursuing anyone else, and I haven’t been. But was it cheating if one of us kissed or hooked up with someone else? It wasn’t on my agenda, and I have denied some offers, but if it had happened I wouldn’t have been upset because we are not a couple.

He would make it clear that this was an adventure with no known outcome. We could be friends or lovers, he didn’t care he just wanted me in his life. I agreed with his sentiment, this was an adventure and there were no expectations. Hell, I have never done long distance, and I only spent probably 4 days with him in person. But I liked him, and I would let him know that and he would with me. But because I like him, doesn’t mean I’m 100% committed. Again, I was still discovering, and I was going to use the week he would be in California to figure that out. But I’m not getting that week.

A week ago, I was in Chicago for a work event. Long story short, I ended up making out and doing some hand stuff with a co worker. It was a one time thing, and immediately I felt guilty. I had a constant battle inside myself if whether I had just cheated or not, and then I battled with why I did it. Why did I do it? Here I had some wonderful boy in one week who was about to travel across the country to visit me. Spend time, with me. Who wanted to see, me.

I wasn’t going to tell Corbit. Why would I? and for about 5 days I held true to that. I didn’t tell him, but when I asked for clarity on our relationship status he questioned why I was asking so much and asked if anything happened with me and someone else. I should have lied, but I can’t lie to someone I care about and to someone who I might possibly spend my life with. So I told him the truth. Let me take a break right now and tell you that honesty is not always the best policy. This was not information he needed to know, and in the game of love and power I should have kept my mouth shut. Trust me, I’m stupid when it comes to love.

After I told him, I broke down crying. I told him I didn’t know if I cheated or not, and that I felt awful. He told me everything was okay, I did what I needed to do in order to figure out what I needed to know and that it wasn’t a big deal. I thought, “Wow, okay this is great. I was honest and it worked in my benefit.” Boy was I wrong.

The following days after he was kind of short with me. And when I asked if everything was okay he reassured me again that it was and I was just busy overthinking everything and I needed to chill. So I did, I started to believe everything was okay, but then the day he was supposed to come to LA he gave me a call. Over FaceTime he told me that he thought about it and he’s not okay. Wait, what? He just spent the last 2 days telling me I was overthinking and being dramatic when in reality I was right the whole time. He wasn’t okay, and I knew it. He then told me he didn’t feel comfortable coming to LA and that he was cancelling his trip. I was shocked, but I also knew in my heart this was going to happen. My intuition is hardly ever wrong.

I asked why it felt like he was breaking up with me, and he responded with, “we aren’t a couple.” Then I asked why my actions reflect cheating if we are not together? I don’t know how he responded to that and it didn’t matter. He made up his mind and that was his choice. There was nothing for me to do about it.

He opened up that nothing changed, but he didn’t want to come to California and fall for me more with the potential of just getting more hurt. He said that I needed to show action that I liked and cared for him, and basically the ball was in my court.

Now this is where I get stuck. I have been trying to show him I like and care, but I can only express so much because so far I only feel so much. My feelings are still growing, and the kind of love I think he wants me to share with him comes from me knowing I am 100% committed and in love. I am not there yet. I can’t give my all to someone that easily. I have in the past and I’m just a lot more realistic now. But in order to prove to him I care, I would need to get on a plane and surprise him in Nashville. But that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. Because if I do that, he may think that’s a sign of me saying I want to do this. be in it 100%, and as much as I want to feel that, I just don’t. Maybe I am broken. Maybe I am incapable of loving someone like that. I don’t know, but instinctively I know something is off, and I don’t think I should ignore that. He is talented, smart, and extremely handsome. And if he lived in my area I would want to explore him further, but for some damn reason I can’t just put all my eggs in one basket. Maybe I am being foolish, and I don’t mind admitting if I am wrong. I guess I fear I could let something good go because I am just stupid with love.

So, I don’t know what to do. Maybe in his mind I cheated, but in my mind I didn’t. Who is to say who is right or wrong in this. He said I needed to trust people and let them love me, but he couldn’t be my hero and save me. Yet, I don’t think I need saving. I think I just need to figure out what I want and then go after it. I want love. I want to be loved. But I also love my singleness and the opportunity for anything to just happen. I think I am scared of giving up that freedom unless I’m 100% sure it’s worth it. And right now, I’m not 100% sure it’s worth it

“There it was. Exactly what I had needed to hear, a year too late. I should’ve been happy, but I wasn’t. It was the absolute worst timing of all. Ten minutes later, Aidan still hadn’t come back. Suddenly my life was all about timing. All the right things at all the wrong times. My past coming back way too fast…and my future taking way too long to come home.” Carrie Bradshaw

Updates

News

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post, and it’s not because nothing in my love life has happened, but rather I got lazy and stopped writing. I kind of had an inner struggle. I write these in the hope that someone will read them, but they are also somewhat therapeutic for me. But I fought with myself and started saying, “what’s the point?” But I won’t stop. So here it is, a little update on almost everyone featured so far in the blog.

Shay: Probably dead in a ditch somewhere. Just kidding, I honestly have no idea what he is up to. I haven’t seen him since the break up 6 months ago and I haven’t spoken to him either. I have moments where the thought of him makes me angry, and then I’ll have a flash of a fun memory and question if any of it was ever real. I still think of him, and often wonder if I pass through his mind, but nothing in me wants anything with him. He kind of has a face and look about him that makes me want to just sucker punch him right in the mouth. Oh well.

Rock: We never made it to date 3. We are still friends and I see him in acting class, but ever since I got back from my trip he never made a move and I had Corbit. So I’m not sure where he and I could have gone, but I can tell you we didn’t go anywhere.

Drew: He never got back to me after we went to the movies. I ran into him once at the bar and kissed him, but after that he stopped contact. I think he thought I wanted more from him, but in reality I just wanted to flirt with him at the time so Shay could catch wind that I got who he couldn’t. I never did confess those motives to him though. I do follow him on snapchat, and he wears some cool funky shirts.

Raul: We had sushi and he was just too into gay culture for me. Nothing wrong with that, just not my thing.

Christopher: Ah my D.C. lover! He is getting ready to go to Ukraine! We were a beautiful moment, and I loved it. According to snapchat and the occasional message, he seems to be doing well.

Dan: Dan is an interesting one, because honestly after our dates and the fact that I called him out for his warts, I thought there would be nothing to update on. But Dan gets his own little story.

Somehow, Dan and I are now good friends. Of course getting to this point wasn’t necessarily easy, and I’m not sure if we could remain friends If he continues to like me. After I kinda blew him off by never responding to him, I eventually went away on my month road trip assuming by the time I got back he would have picked up the hint I wasn’t interested. But when I got back he asked me to hangout and this time I decided to be honest about my feelings, or lack of.

I can’t quite remember what started us talking again, but he invited me out to see Matoma in concert and I decided to go with the adventure. On the ride there I opened up about meeting Corbit and how I liked him and what not. That was my way of saying I was taken and I was only planning on being friends.

I ended up accidentally falling asleep on his arm on the way home and I hope I didn’t drool. It wouldn’t be the first time I fell asleep on someone and drooled. When we arrived at my apartment I asked why he never kissed me on that second date. I shouldn’t have asked that because it made me sound like I wanted him to, but as I recall I was thankful he didn’t. I was just genuinely curious.

After I got back upstairs exhausted and ready for sleep, Dan called me and asked if I could come back outside. Once outside and sitting on my stoop, he confessed that he still really liked me and wanted to know if I liked him. I told him if it wasn’t for Corbit I might be interested to explore where it could go, but that wasn’t fair to say and it wasn’t fair for me to use Corbit as a shield. He asked if he could kiss me, and I said it wouldn’t be fair to Corbit.

Everything about that night felt like a movie. Someone was at my doorstep in the middle of the night confessing love and wanting to be with me. It was just the wrong person at my door, and I wish the movie scenes would happen with the right person.

After that night we’ve just been friends and I enjoy his friendship. I hope none of that changes, but I know he still likes me and it makes me slightly uncomfortable. Is it selfish of me to be friends with someone who I know likes me? It’s hard having gay friends sometimes, because when one person is attracted it makes the friendship awkward and full of expectations and pressure. And I don’t like that.

Corbit: TBD.

 

Let The Music Play

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After Corbit dropped me off, I was a mess of emotions. I didn’t know how to feel, and I didn’t know whether my heart wanted to stay or go. I was so confused, and as I walked towards my gate to board my plane, I didn’t know whether to get on it or stay behind to explore what I was feeling.

When I got to my gate, I was over taken by this emotion that I shouldn’t get on it. It was a crazy thought, but what was I going home for? I didn’t have work that week so I didn’t have any responsibilities to adhere to. So I called my friend Samantha to ask what I should do. If I was going to stay in Nashville to spend more time with this boy I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. But Samantha didn’t pick up and I immediately called my Friend Ivy. I explained the whole situation to her and she simply said, “Why not?” And she was right. Why not take this crazy chance? I always wanted my life to be like a movie, and for once, it was actually playing out like one.

So I went to the help desk and said I wanted to cancel my flight. I wasn’t thinking, I was just acting. She canceled the flight for me, got me my bag back, and gave me a credit to fly back whenever I wanted in the next year. This was actually happening, and I was actually taking this adventurous risk for a chance at love. After I cancelled my flight I text Corbit and told him I cancelled it and I needed him to come back and get me. He said he would be right there, and 5 minutes later he was outside ready to take me back.

I got in the car, kissed him, and said 500x how crazy this was. It was actually happening, and I was actually going off to spend a few days with someone who I have barely known for 24 hours. He drove us back to his apartment and then we made a game plan. We booked my flight back for that Thursday giving us two and a half more days to get to know one another. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and even now, I still don’t.

The next days flew by very quickly, and emotionally they felt real, especially coming from him. We cuddled and watched the Notebook, which showed so many similarities between us and them. We went out to watch his friends play music. We ate a TON of food. Okay, I ate a ton of food since he was on a diet, but it was delicious. He took me to a park in the middle of the night, brought me up to the roof of his car, and held me as we looked up at the stars. I saw a shooting star and made a wish. It was so romantic, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that a part of me was disconnected.

I don’t know why, but here was this movie romance and parts of my heart weren’t connecting to the fantasy. Maybe it’s because subconsciously I knew he was still holding back from opening up, or maybe it was just that since I had been traveling for so long I was just finally ready to come home. I’m not sure what it was, but if I was going to be honest, I had to tell him there was a part of myself existing outside our fantasy.

On our last night together I was plagued with this overall feeling that I had to emotionally be somewhere, almost as if I had to have my feelings already figured out. Corbit seemed like he already knew what he wanted, and it was nice having someone so confident that I was worth investing in, but it scared me. This was supposed to only be a quick romance, but it turned out to be very real. I explained to him that I needed to go back to my real life and see how I felt then. I was living in his world, so of course it was easier for him to emotionally connect than it was for me. Also he hadn’t felt anything for someone in a long time, and much like me, when he feels something so real he wants to latch onto it. To explore it and see where it could take him. I was that something, and I wasn’t prepared for everything it may have entailed.

He seemed to disconnect for a second when I told him what I was feeling. I explained to him how I went on a few dates with someone before I left for my trip, and how it was left very unresolved. I had a life back home, and I couldn’t ignore that. I didn’t really want to talk about what would come next for us, because I didn’t know. I have never done long distance, and I don’t even know if I’m capable of it.

He asked me if this was just all a story for me, something for me to write about, and that broke my heart. Because initially I think it was. It was a great love story to write about. Getting off a plane, spending a few days together, being serenaded by music and kissed under the moonlight. It was the perfect thing to write about, but soon I realized real feelings were involved, and this was more than something to write about. In the end he understood where I was coming from, and he left zero pressure on me, but in my heart and in my mind I knew he had a few expectations.

Thursday quickly approached and before I knew it I was back at the airport, but this time I knew I was coming home. I was ready to get back to my life in LA and tackle my dreams and career head on, but this time I was taking a real piece of Nashville with me. Much like before he kissed me goodbye and sent me off. He left it up to me to decide what we would become, and he sent me a recording of him singing my favorite Coldplay song to listen to as I flew home. I walked away feeling so confused and a bit restless. I felt like I didn’t know much about him, and I didn’t have enough time to keep finding out.

I spent the entire flight home just thinking about him. Thinking about my feelings and if they were as real as his. He promised me he wouldn’t fill my head with pretty words, that he would show me with actions that he meant everything he said. My heart has already gone through a break up this year, and after that I vowed I would stay single and focused. Would this be a distraction? The appealing thing about long distance, however, was the fact that I would be able to focus on me and still have someone. It was a nice thought, but that’s all it was. Let’s see if anything actually happens, and until then, LA here I come.