Sparks Again

Tonight I went on a date.

Shocking, I know. A blog about dating and I start this post with, “I went on a date,” like it’s some absurd thing. But if you’ve been following along you will know that this is actually huge since that pesky think called a break up that I just went through.

His name is Alec and we met on this new app I just got called Hinge. They’re not paying me to say this, but so far it’s my favorite dating app. It’s very organized, people on it actually talk to one another, and the boys (for the most part) are cute as hell. I even matched with a YouTube celeb! But back to Alec.

We met at my favorite pizza spot because it was the only real location I knew between where we both live. He and I probably live about 40 minutes from one another, which if you’re a LA snob, would be considered “too far.” But if you know me you know that clearly I have no problem with a little distance. I mean, I dated someone in Australia for crying out loud! I don’t think I can get much further than that, well, until they colonize Mars. Then knowing my luck I would probably even try to do intergalactic distance because why the fuck not. I love challenges apparently.

Leading up to the date I knew I was going to have a good time. He had a great sense of humor and I felt connected to him right away when we first started chatting, but I was also having a great day in general so I was open to more positivity and connectivity.

When I saw him standing outside the restaurant I immediately began to size him up. He was both taller and thinner than I imagined and a lot more handsome in person. Not that I didn’t think he was attractive going into this, but sometimes photos can be a let down. I mean that’s honestly how I feel about mine. I get so insecure I won’t live up to the facade I parade on social media. I’m working on insecurity though, and it’s totally a part of my whole process of learning self love.

I gave him a hug, but I never know what the proper response is to meeting an online date for the first time. Are you supposed to hug or shake hands? Or just do nothing and say hi? I’m not sure what’s “proper,” but I always hug. I’m a hugger.

When we were waiting in line to order our pizza we were already instantly connected in conversation. There was no awkwardness, it was extremely playful and flirty, and it was comfortable like we’ve known one another for awhile. It was nice, and it felt so refreshing to just be myself again without being anxious on a date. The best part was, I completely forgot about my ex while I was with him.

One of the big issues with Alec though is that he doesn’t like Taylor Swift, but I think that’s something we can work on. But in reality everything about him is pretty great. He has a wonderful sense of humor, kind blue eyes, and such a genuine energy about him. I made a ton of poor jokes throughout the night that were mainly funny to me, and despite him poking fun at my humor, I just knew we would get along well. For example when we talked ethnicity he said his dad was 100% Danish and I asked, “Cherry or Apple?”

I thought it was hilarious.

While talking though I could tell he is the type of person I would fall for, and I made sure I took note of that so I don’t lose myself in him if this is something I decide to pursue further. Plus he is a people pleaser, and to me that is a BIG red flag. People pleaser’s tend to hurt people by being deceitful to make others happy, so I made sure I took a mental note of that as well. I’m not putting a wall up, but I am making sure I’m cautious in future relationships so I don’t end up hurting like I have in the past. After all no one is going to protect my heart better than myself.

After dinner we walked to our cars together still stuck in conversation. On the side of the restaurant is a plaque with two handprints on it and some writing above each hand and the gist of it is that one person places their hand on the handprint and a stranger places their hand on the other and you remove your hands once you’re no longer strangers. I placed my hand on one of the handprints and read it aloud while he placed his hand on the other. When I finished reading he goes, “But we’re not strangers,” and then leaned in and kissed me. It was so romantic and perfect and made my frozen heart melt a little. It was the perfect moment for a first kiss and I will definetly always remember it, especially because I go to that pizza place all the time.

When we reached our cars he pulled me in and kissed me again while he held me with such confidence. It was nice, and I could tell he genuinely cared. I don’t know if that makes sense but there was just something about his grasp that felt good, and I haven’t felt that good in a very long time.

He asked to see me again and I didn’t want to appear eager so we never set a date. He said we had to hang in his neighborhood next time, and I smartly replied “What makes you think I have to go to you?” This made him laugh and he retorted with, “We all know who wears the pants in this relationship,” and that just made me laugh even harder back because he has no idea what he’s in for.

I like the me I portray when I’m first getting to know someone because it’s my true self. I’m carefree, not afraid to be myself, and I actually eat my dinner because I’m not a self conscious nervous mess. Overall, I’m confident, but somehow I lose it as relationships progress. I’m working on it.

I don’t know where Alec and I will go. This could be it for us or there could be more dates to come, but honestly it doesn’t matter to me. Because for the first time I felt a little spark, and that’s enough to help remind myself that I can move on and love again.

 

Choices

 

Love is weird. It takes the most simple things and makes it all complicated. I never understood why it couldn’t be like the movies. Maybe I romanticize love too much, or I fall too easily. I just am well aware of what I want and I go after it. But I tend to fall for boys who don’t know what they want, and it makes me wonder if I’m doomed to either love or be loved but never both.

I’m spending money I don’t have right now to be in Australia with Aidon. If it wasn’t for my sheer stubbornness and naivety I probably wouldn’t be here. But I wanted to show him how much I care. How much I want him, and basically, make him feel my love.

But I don’t trust him.

Because of the whole Danny situation I feel all shades of weird. When I hug him I want to let go a lot sooner than I want. When I kiss him I want it to stop. And  none of these feelings come from me being disgusted or repulsed by him, actually it’s the opposite. I feel so strongly for him that I’m scared if I hug too long or kiss too much I’m going to fall even deeper for him and just get hurt. I want to run away. I want to never speak to him again and just disappear. But at the same time I want him. I want to be with him for the long haul.

He says that he has picked me and he wants to be with me, but despite everything he still hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t made the move to make me officially his. He claims to be mine, that a title doesn’t make a difference, but for some reason to me it does.

Danny stopped talking to him after he found out about me. He discovered some photos and poems I gave to Aidon for his birthday and then showed them to him in some big dramatic reveal. He tried to get Aidon to get rid of me and Aidon said no. So in the end Danny let go. Aidon calls that making the choice to choose me, but it really wasn’t. He didn’t choose me, het got left with me like I was the last option. If Danny didn’t find out about me would I still have been the one Aidon would have picked?  Or would I still be in a competition for his attention without even knowing it.

Now Aidon is torn. He tells me he is certain of his feelings for me and nothing has changed, but you can tell there is still something weird in regards with Danny. And the worst part is, when I bring it up, he says he doesn’t know if it’s guilt or the fact that there actually might be something more for Danny. I know it’s guilt, I mean if he wanted to be with him he could have. Danny is the easier choice. He actually lives in the same country as Aidon. Why now is he confused?

So here I am, on the other side of the world, still feeling like the one who wasn’t picked. I don’t feel special. I don’t feel that wanted, and most of all I’m losing the words to say how I feel. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I feel exhausted.

I’m trying to follow my heart. By now it would have told me to walk away. My intuition would have told me to run, but it hasn’t. Not yet. So here I am still fighting. Still hoping that maybe this could be it. That Aidon could be the one. But I’m getting tired of trying, and I deserve someone who will fight for me as much as I would him.

He says he can’t do distance. So I say I’ll close the gap. That I would move and make a life here in Australia. He says he would feel too guilty. And now I just feel like I can’t win. And if he can’t compromise, why try? He hasn’t made a choice about anything, and I sometimes think I should make it for him by walking away. If losing Danny in his life makes him question things I wonder what would happen if I was gone too.

 

 

Get Me Out Of Here

Two weeks ago while celebrating my birthday, I met a very attractive DJ at my favorite bar. His name is Patrick, and immediately I was into him. He had brown hair, a nice muscle build, and beautiful teeth. For those who don’t know, I’m a big stickler on teeth. It is probably one of the first things I notice about a person when I meet them. And anyone with poor oral hygiene who hasn’t even mastered the ability to floss, is not someone I could see myself with romantically. The night we met he gave me his number and a birthday kiss. After that we started texting, and from there, we finally planned our first date.

We never made it on that date.

I saw him two times after that, but not a single one of those times was a date. Once I saw him the night I ran into my ex, and the second time I saw him was on Halloween. For Halloween he was DJing at one of the bars for the Halloween Carnival and I went down there with a few friends to check out the festivities.

He got me and my friends into the bar and bought me a drink. He showered me with kisses and compliments and it felt amazing to have this attractive man tell me how he thought I was so beautiful. And as much as I wanted to believe him, I knew it was too good to be true.

And I was right.

After he got me a drink I went off and continued to celebrate with my friends. I didn’t want to leave them and he didn’t want to abandon his, so I understood why he felt like he wanted to part ways for some portion of the night. If I had it my way we would have continued dancing and kissing. A part of me didn’t care if I abandoned my friends. I was happy to be with a boy who liked me, but I knew the right thing was not to abandon them. Old me would have followed the boy, new me is trying to remember friends first and love later.

I spent the rest of my night out with my friends, and right before we were about to leave the party, I made us stop back into the bar where Patrick had been so I could say goodbye. I never found him in the bar, so we left and headed home. I was tired anyway, and everyone I was with had work early in the morning.

When we finally got home, and were snacking on my typical drunk order of Domino’s Cheesy Bread, I got a text from Patrick inviting me over. My heart skipped a beat. I wanted to see him and sleep by his side. I didn’t want to really be sexual right away because I still wanted that date, and call me crazy, but I would like to get to know someone before I sleep with them sexually.

I called an Uber and I headed over to his place. When I arrived he greeted me with open arms and a big smile, and he grabbed my hand while we walked down the streets of his apartment complex. He kept making sweet comments about how happy he was that I was there and how adorable/attractive he thought I was. It was sweet to have him fawning over me, but I have a hard time believing someone when they compliment me like that. It’s not that I am insecure and don’t feel attractive, more so it’s the fact that I’m turned off when they only notice physical things about me. I am so much more than a pretty face. Also, with him, it felt too good to be true. Something was off, and I was determined to find it.

When we were walking, he made a comment that we were looking for his roommate and the dog who went out for a walk. He then adds that his roommate was very upset with him.

Red Flag.

After eventually running into his roommate and making some brief introductions, we headed inside the apartment into his bedroom. I honestly didn’t want to hook up, and I’m glad we never made it to that point because it might have been hard to say no. But the more I looked around the room of a 30 year old DJ, the sadder I kind of felt. Was this where I was going to be at 30? In a shared apartment in the Valley still trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to do with my life? Not that I think he’s a loser or anything, but by 30 I would like to be married, in a house, and set on my career path.

While laying on the bed talking, I kept seeing his phone light up and continue to vibrate as a lot of text messages poured in. They were from his roommate, so I asked again if everything was okay. It seemed weird to me that his roommate was so upset, but after pestering with questions Patrick still never opened up about what was wrong. So as he was drunkenly trying to text back I looked at his phone and saw all the messages. They read things like”Fuck you” and “Get out you can’t live here anymore.” The texts were then proceeded by about 10 phone calls from him. It never ended.

It was weird, and immediately I felt uncomfortable. My mind went to worst case scenario and I thought, if I stay here, his roommate could murder us in our sleep. I barely knew Patrick, and I sure as hell didn’t know his roommate. My thoughts, however, were interrupted when I heard banging on the door.

That was the moment I for sure wanted to get the fuck out.

Patrick starts apologizing and saying he doesn’t know what’s going on, but all I knew was that I wanted to leave. I told him I was going to go and he asked if he could come stay with me. The nice guy in me mumbled “sure,” but the less fearful one inside screamed “no.” I didn’t want this guy coming home with me, and I no longer wanted to be in that apartment, but I already said he could come so he started to change and ordered an uber. When he opened the phone to call the Uber the Grindr app was right there and immediately I was turned off to the whole thing. I may hook up with guys, but I don’t use Grindr to do it. I go on dates with them and I get to know them. I don’t order dick to my door like cheesy bread.

“Hi, can I get that with a side of STD?”

As we leave the bedroom, his roommate comes out of his room and proceeds to yell goodbye to me as I’m awkwardly waiting by the front door for Patrick. I open the door and stand in the apartment hallway  waiting for him to follow, but then I hear his roommate start yelling at him “I didn’t know WHAT boy you would bring home tonight!”

And with that, I ran.

I didn’t want to be there while they argued and I heard things I surely didn’t want to hear. I ran out of his building and I looked back to see if I was being followed. He didn’t follow me, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I stood on the street alone. I called my own uber, but then thought why would I pay for one when he had ordered it? I guess I wanted to be nice and not use his, but he just put me through the most awkward and uncomfortable experience of my dating life. So when his Uber arrived, I hopped in and went home. Why the fuck should I pay for the escape from the hell he put me in?

Later that night he sent some drunken apology and the next day he sent another. He never explained the situation, just apologized that it happened. I didn’t really accept it, and honestly I’m kind of thankful. Maybe that was the universe’s way of showing me early on not to waste my time. Another lesson to be learned is that I should just say no if I want to, because I have the right to do that. I find that I give in just to be nice, but why risk myself for the sake of a stranger? It kills me not knowing why that roommate was mad, but from the sound of it it seems like he might be in love with Patrick.

Well, Patrick’s roommate, you can have him. I pass.

 

 

 

Chance Encounter

I haven’t seen my ex since the breakup in January. I think about him from time to time, but really it’s just a distant memory that I struggle to believe was once real. How could someone be so close and then a complete stranger? Do people change, or are we still the same and we just forget what they were once like?

I have always imagined the moment I would see Shay in person and It always went one of two ways.

1. I’m awkward, I say hi, and give him a hug. Not really sure where it goes from there.
2. I make it a point he see’s me, and then I blatantly ignore him.

I kind of did a mix of the two when the time came that I would finally have my chance encounter with him. And in my mind, I would like to think I walked away on top.

It all happened when I wanted to go to WeHo to celebrate Halloween. I dressed myself to the nines and donned my black and white marching band jacket to be a member of My Chemical Romance’s Black Parade. I had my neighbor paint my face to look like a Skeleton, and It was absolutely perfect! I looked completely unrecognizable, and it was up to the imagination to fill in what my face actually looked like without all of the makeup.

I really wanted to go to WeHo because there is a very attractive DJ at my favorite bar who, two weeks prior, gave me his number. I wanted to see him again, and I really wanted to show off the amazing makeup my neighbor did for me. It was going to be a win win for me, and it was.

It was even better than I could have ever imagined.

When I entered the bar I headed straight towards the DJ, and as I neared him, I saw Shay standing on the dance floor right in front of him. My heart suddenly jumped, and I immediately ran back towards the entrance of the bar to update my friends on the situation. I didn’t know what I was about to get myself into, but I wanted to make sure I had backup.

This was it. This was the moment I was finally going to see Shay again. But it wasn’t how I had wanted him to see me after all this time. I wanted him to see my body. Notice how much it’s changed, how much I’ve been working out, and how strong and healthy I now am. I wanted him to see what he was missing, and how I turned out to be everything he wanted, but something he could never have.

But I didn’t let my want of the situation stop me from doing what came next.

I wasn’t about to back down. So I marched right up to him, grabbed his shoulder, and said hi.

He looked at me like I was crazy, and then it dawned on me he had no idea who I was because of all the makeup. He looked so confused and kind of scared, and for a moment, it felt like I had all the power.

I quickly told him it was me and he was shocked. I can’t even remember what he said, but just hearing his voice again kind of gave me butterflies. I wasn’t attracted to him, but just being close to him again felt strange. It kind of made me feel fuzzy and sad, and I couldn’t help but question everything. Was it real between us? Did he ever think of me? Did he ever miss me? But as quick as it came, was as quick as it went, and within a few seconds I was back in control of my emotions.

His new boyfriend was there, but he didn’t introduce me. Instead, he reintroduced me to a friend who I had previously met and we ended up chatting a bit. Shay didn’t seem keen on talking to me, I got the vibe that he was uncomfortable, but the best thing was I wasn’t. I felt totally in control, and strangely, elated. It felt good to confront him and kill him with kindness than hate and disdain. I mean him no ill and I hope he is happy, and my mission that night, was to show him how happy I was too.

I spent some time catching up with his friends as his boyfriend stood far away dancing. His boyfriend was dressed as Kimmy Schmidt and I admired the costume, so I went up and gave him a compliment. It was the only words I said to him, and I meant them. It was a pretty cool and clever costume. I wonder, however, if they went home that night and talked about me. I bet they did, and whether it was good or bad it doesn’t matter. I made an impact, and even if it was awkward or uncomfortable, I stood my ground and finally said “nothing will shake me.”

After hello’s and some catching up, I made it a point to excuse myself to go talk to the DJ. When I walked up to him he immediately gave me a big hug and left me alone on his stage while he went and got me a drink. As I stood up there dancing and overlooking people below, I could feel Shay and his friends staring at me. It was like there eyes were asking, “what’re you doing up there,” and I left it to Shay’s imagination to fill in the blanks. I wanted them to see me with him, and I wanted to make it look like there was more between the DJ and I than there really is. I know I shouldn’t worry about impressing an ex, but everybody wants to make sure they look good to the person post breakup. Success, truly is the best revenge.

Ultimately Shay left without a goodbye, but what did I expect? Him to say bye to me, his ex boyfriend?  I’m not sure where the rest of his night took him, but the following day he finally posted his first photo of him and his new boyfriend. Maybe seeing me was the push he needed to do it.

You’re welcome Shay’s boyfriend.

Deleted and Unfollowed

 

I try not to worry about social media, but as an actor, I feel like it’s ingrained in me that it should matter. I mean, when I go out on auditions now they want to know whether or not we are social media famous. How does one even become social media famous? Sometimes I think fame would be great! But having my every move watched and criticized would be annoying. I will say and do whatever I want, and I think I wouldn’t give two shits about my image. Which could get me in a lot of trouble.

But this post isn’t about trying to get social media famous. It’s about trying to get over social media.

If you’re like me, you probably like to stalk your exe’s social media every once in awhile. You want to know what they’ve been up to, if they’re dating, and if their life is absolutely miserable without you. I mean, that’s at least what I do.

My ex Shay and I have been broken up since January of this year. Besides Corbit and Nashville, I haven’t really had any form of a relationship with anyone since then. I’m not opposed to it, but I just haven’t found the right guy yet. And I don’t necessarily mean Mr. Right, more so, I haven’t even found Mr. Right Now.

I don’t miss Shay. I know he’s happily in a relationship with someone else and they actually make a very cute couple. Yet despite my lack of feelings, I still like to check his instagram every so often. I look for new pictures of him, I check to see what he’s been up to, and I look at the old photos of us that still linger leaving people asking, “who is he?”

I used to mean so much, and now it’s weird to watch our love from afar while I question if it was even real. Our time together was so short, but somehow, it felt like years. Maybe that’s what love does, it throws away time so we can think every moment spent together is one never ending second of bliss.

But this time when I went to slip back into that pool of memories, the photos of us were no longer there. They were terminated like our relationship, and taken away from me yet again when I least expected it.

That seemed to be his skill.

I wasn’t sad, I felt taken aback. I almost felt like our relationship no longer existed. Was it some made up thing in my head? Time had started to erase what I once held so dear and that is what scares me the most about time and distance. We learn to forget.

I would always find it strange that he never had photos of his new boyfriend and still kept the old ones of me up. But now there is no more me, and still no boyfriend. But it’s like he was clearing space for him to finally make his appearance. Again, so strange seeing how much someone once cared, and how it just disappears. But that’s life, people change and life doesn’t stop for anybody. You just keep going.

Since I’ve returned from Nashville, I don’t think I’ve emotionally processed my trip. I came home, two days later met Daniel, and focused on our two week stand as a pacifier to deal with Corbit. I don’t think I really wanted to think about Nashville or him. I just wanted to let go, move one, and hope I could find love with someone else. Someone, better.

As I was bored in the car on the way home from a 12 hour work day, I opened up an app made for cleaning up your Instagram account. It shows you who you follow, who doesn’t follow you that you follow, and it allows you to delete multiple photos off your account. I used this app to clean up my Instagram and gear it towards myself as an actor. But when I was scrolling through the app tonight, I saw that Corbit was no longer following me.

And that’s when it hit me. In that moment, no matter how silly it’s delivery, I finally felt the gravity of my situation with him. I felt angry, sad, and most of all, defeated. I don’t know why he would have unfollowed me. We were still cordial, I hardly ever posted, and I thought we still had a special connection. Yet how stupid is it for me to think that connection is gone because he’s not following me on social media? But something about it hurt, and it made me feel like a part of him no longer cared to know what was happening in my life. He no longer cared to know or see what I wanted to share about my life. And if life has taught me anything, I simply had to learn to be okay even if I felt not okay.

Now I’ve slowly started to process the relationship. I’m slowly allowing myself to think about it and just simply feel. I know one day it will get better. That one day I will wake up and I can go through my day without thinking of him. One day he won’t matter to me, but that day has not yet come.

It hurts knowing I traveled across the country to tell him I loved him to just return home without him. Actually, I traveled across the country to show him how much I felt for him. He was a man of action, and no matter how many times I said I cared, he wouldn’t have believed me until I was on his doorstep. I did absolutely everything I could to make him feel my love, but I couldn’t actually force him to feel it. I couldn’t make him accept it, nor should I have to convince someone to do that. In the end, he chose to let me go. He chose to pursue someone else who he felt was a better match. And now I’m left here to cope with that and move on. But I don’t think I can keep burying what I feel.

I shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want me. No one should ever long for someone who doesn’t want them. It’s pointless to hold onto a hope that someone will one day love you, but I do think it’s okay to hold on for a little bit. It’s okay to give yourself some time to mope, be sad, and just feel.

And right now, I need that time. Because a huge part of myself still cares, and I need to learn not to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Birthday Wish

This past weekend I turned 25. To me, this feels crazy old. I used to think by the time I reached this age all my dreams would have come true. I would have been almost engaged (thank God I’m not), I would have been famous, and I would be filthy rich. I can tell you I am neither of those things. I’m not dating anyone, I can walk down the street without anyone knowing who I am, and I live month to month hoping I make it to the next one. I’m not complaining, I actually really enjoy my life and where it is, it’s just not at all how I imagined it would be at 25.

I hate celebrating birthday’s. To be more specific, I hate celebrating my birthday. I am NOT much of a planner, and if I have to make plans I absolutely dread it. So when it came to this birthday I didn’t want to plan anything so my best friend Kayla took the reigns.

My birthday was on a Sunday so I wanted to do a majority of my activities the day before so we could drink, go out, and just have a shit ton of fun with the weekend. Kayla and I started the celebrations by returning to our old college for the big Homecoming Game. We spent the first part of Saturday just catching up with old friends, running into old enemies, and learning that everyone after graduation just got fat. Thankfully her and I live in LA or I think we would have followed in the weight gain.

After all this she told me we would go get some pizza at my favorite pizza place for dinner before we did what she had planned for me. But when we arrived at the restaurant my friends and family were all there ready to celebrate with me. I had no idea I would see my folks, or any of the people who showed up. It was amazing how close Kayla pays attention to my life and knows what people I think are important enough to celebrate with. I was blown away.

After that we all came back to my apartment, got drunk, and went out to dance the night away. It was the perfect set up for an amazing night, so why did I still feel like something was missing?

I was sad. Through all the celebrating and festivities I felt like I was missing something. To be more specific, I felt like I was missing someone. I wanted a lover. I wanted a boyfriend to celebrate with. And I spent some time just thinking of all the shitty guys who chose to no longer be a part of my journey. Why didn’t I have that lover I thought I would have had by 25? Where was Corbit, and why didn’t he get on that plane after me? Why didn’t my one night stand care to actually know who I am? Why couldn’t I actually hold down a damn boyfriend?

On the day of my actual birthday I wanted to make sure I was in church. I’ve been making sure I have been going to church every time I have a chance, and I absolutely love it. It feels good to dive back into my faith and grow with God again. I miss that spirituality I once had, so it’s nice to find my way back to it. Also my church has a lot of attractive men to stare at, and I would be a liar if I didn’t say that was a motivator for me to go. Hey, I would LOVE to find me a nice church boy. So why not go to where they are? I learn about Jesus and find me a boyfriend, that’s a win win.

The pastor asked us to hold each others hand for prayer and I grabbed my best friends hand and closed my eyes. As he prayed my mind drifted. I was exhausted, hungover, and still trying to process a million emotions that I still had not named. But God pulled me right back in when the pastor said, “You are not alone, you have the person whose hand you are holding.”

And then it hit me. This wave of emotions pulled itself out of my body and streamed down my face in silent tears. He was right,  I wasn’t alone, and I was so mad at myself for not seeing that. I spent so long thinking that romance would make my birthday special when I had some of the greatest friends and love in the world. My best friend literally planned an entire dinner for me, made me personalized snapchat filters, and got everyone together to celebrate me. What more could I possibly want and ask for?

I felt upset at myself, I was mad that I was actually sad over stupid boys who absolutely mean nothing to me. THEY chose to not be a part of my life. I didn’t kick any of them out, wish them ill, or ask them to never speak to me. They found I wasn’t important enough to keep pursuing, and I am okay with that. You can’t change people or convince them to do something. But I refuse to let them affect me and how I go and live my life. I refuse to make decisions based upon their point of views.

I have all the love I need in my life. It may not be coming from who I thought, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have love. I have my friends, I have my family, and most importantly, I have God. I have the greatest family and friends in the entire universe, and I feel so loved. They truly made me feel special.

Mom and Dad, for taking time off work to drive and see me.

Kayla, for planning my entire weekend and loving me through all the heartbreaks.

Dan, for decorating my room with streamers and leaving me with a vase of the most beautiful orange roses.

James, my new roommate who has been nothing but loving and supportive.

And all my friends, who took the time to come out and have fun with me.

25 doesn’t look at all how I imagined. It is so much better, and filled with so much more love. So my birthday wish?

I wish I remember to love those who matter, and have the strength to let go of the ones who don’t.

 

 

Sherlock

I think I’m a glutton for pain, or maybe I just like doing things I know are bad for me because I can’t help myself. I am human, and the more I talk with people, the more I realize my views on life are constantly changing. If you’ve been reading this blog from the beginning, I am not that same boy I used to be. I was never the man who would be okay with a one night stand, I’ve actually written some posts condemning the whole thing. But I have done them on more than one occasion, and I can’t help but think I was wrong in slut shaming. I’ve started to slut shame myself for some of the things I’ve done, and I think this is the complete wrong mentality to have about oneself. I’m not completely on board with the idea of one night stands, but I’m not really against them either. I’m kind of stuck in this in-between world where I’ve been on both sides, and still just one doesn’t feel completely right.  Maybe there is a balance I have yet to find, some way to not give into the gay stereotype but also not to be a prude. For the longest time I thought I’ve had that, but after going back to my one night stand for the 4th time, I can’t help but think I am a lost little mess looking for someone to clean up.

I met up with Daniel (one night stand/bae) again for the 4th time. This time we were going to have sex and I had no collateral to give, we were having sex because we wanted to. Well, I wanted to. I can’t actually tell what he feels for me. 

When I arrived at his house I assumed we would head straight to his room, but instead, we plopped on the sofa and watched American Horror Story with his roommates. I tried not to read into it, but a part of me at least felt like he wasn’t embarrassed by me if he is bringing me around his roommates. It was like I was more than just a hit it and quit it. Not saying he liked me, but he at least liked me enough to bring me around as a friend.

After we watched an episode we headed back into his bedroom where he put on another show and just held me as we watched it. I felt so uncomfortable laying on his body. I was trying not to overthink, but I kept asking myself if he was uncomfortable, or I was too heavy on his arms, or if he is waiting for me to make a move. Since we were in HIS bedroom I felt like he should be the one making the moves. I know he likes confidence, and when I’m with him, I feel anything but. It’s because I don’t know a single damn thing about him. I don’t know what he likes, what’s a turn off, or what exactly he wants from me. Is it just sex? Friendship? Is there a possibility for something more? I don’t know, and I find him so impossible to read. He is vanilla, but could someone honestly be that one dimensional? I know he has layers, so I spent some time after sex trying to find out.

I kept asking him questions, small important questions, but to him they were “basic” and “meaningless.” I’m sorry, but what the hell did he expect me to ask? “Do you have daddy issues and that’s why you’re gay?” 

The conversation went something like this:

“are you irritated with my questions?”

“No. but they’re just basic.”

“Would you rather me ask tougher questions?”

“I don’t get why you’re asking me?”

“Because I care.”

There it was. I admitted that a part of me cared and genuinely wanted to know more about him beyond the sex. He was quiet after that and we went to sleep. But if THIS was just about sex for me, why did I care? 

I know him and I would never be more than what we are now. I don’t think he would ever understand or appreciate me the way I would want to be understood and appreciated. The most he’s ever asked me about my life is “What did you do today?” Hey, I guess that’s a start. 

But the reason I think I am so curious about him is because I am attracted to him. I do like the way his lips feel on mine, it was like they were meant to kiss one another. I’m not trying to be poetic, but when someone matches your kissing style, that’s not something you should just completely ignore. The reporter in me is also so fascinated by him because I know absolutely nothing about him. He is hard to read, and honestly, hard to talk to. I’m always afraid I’m going to say something wrong that will make him not like me. But again, why do I care? I know I shouldn’t, but he makes me question everything, especially my confidence. I think maybe what I need to learn from this whole thing is how to be confident in myself and my body. Because I know I constantly want approval from others, especially the ones I like.

I don’t think it was wrong for me to want to know more about him. And my curiosity isn’t just because a part of me wants to be with him. I think it’s because I am not the type of guy to just have sex with anybody, so the fact that I’m having sex with someone I don’t really know blows my mind. But as Charlotte on Sex and The City once said, “How well do we really know the people we sleep with?” 

And in this case, I know nothing.

Not even how he thinks of me.

 

 

 

I Had Sex For Tickets

This probably wasn’t my proudest moment, but I don’t regret it. This, however, has been a new low for me. What happened to the boy who cursed mindless hook ups? Have I become desensitized to sex? Yet strange enough, sex still bears a lot of meaning to me. So why was I so able and willing to disconnect myself and allow myself to do something I would never normally do?

I finally got the attention of my one night stand. I don’t know why he fascinates me so much. He really is a self centered conceited asshole, but I swear there is some connection I feel and I feel drawn to him. Maybe it’s lust, or maybe the fact I am struggling getting over Corbit, but when I see his name pop up on my phone I feel butterflies. It’s been so long I forgot what that even felt like. I almost thought I wouldn’t feel that again.

After our one night stand we text for like half a day until he just disappeared. I kept checking my phone hoping to see his name pop up and it never came. I felt deflated, but I couldn’t understand why I was so down. I think my pride took a hit, and I couldn’t face that after having just flown across the country and getting rejected. I needed to be on the up, and I thought he and I could have a little fun.

A few days later I text him asking if he wanted to get together again and he didn’t reply. I thought that was it, that we had a brief hook up and he was out. I started doing all the shit people do when they get ghosted. I started questioning my looks, my body, and second guessing who I was. I was becoming so insecure and it is not like me to act like that. Normally, I would say fuck it and move on. But why the hell did I want this guy to like me? Maybe the dick was just too good. 

I remember him mentioning wanting to see Dixie Chicks and the radio station I work for was giving tickets away, so I sent him a picture of the tickets. I don’t know why I text him the photo, I just couldn’t quit and I knew this would get a response. He wanted the tickets, and went into him telling me once he quits his job he will have more time to hangout with me. Bullshit, this guy just wanted tickets from me not to actually see me, but oddly enough I was okay with this. By him responding, my pride started to recover. He was using me, but I was also using him. I wanted to have sex, and I was going to use these tickets to get it. 

I told him he could have the tickets which kept the conversation flowing, and without directly telling him I wanted to have sex, I asked what I got in this whole deal. He said, “we could fuck” and I knew I had him right where I wanted him. I don’t want to sound conceited, but I could find guys pretty easily, so why was I selling myself so damn short and allowing this. I wanted to see what he would be like in bed, and honestly, it was as good as I thought. 

The reality of the situation hit me the following morning. As I sat on his bed scrolling through my phone his roommate came in and started talking to me thinking I was him. When she realized I wasn’t and introduced herself I knew that was the girl he was attending the concert with. I asked if she was excited for the show, and the first words out of her damn mouth were, “Did you bring the tickets?”

I felt used. It was a low blow, and I just sat there a bit dumbfounded. Did I seriously want to hook up with someone so bad I unintentionally bribed him? And what kind of guy was he to do something like that? It was all shades of fucked up.

 I was breaking the mold of who I am, or, who I was. I am not saying I’m some sex fiend now who is going to fuck everything and everyone in sight, but I did feel a little liberated after all this. I did something wild, and as long as you remain safe, let your wild side free.

As my co-worker once said, “If this job ain’t getting you paid, it better be getting you laid.” And that night, laid was what I was getting.

Thank you work perks, and sorry morals/standards. 

 

One Night Stand

I wasn’t expecting it, honestly I vowed I would never go home with someone from a bar. I believed this for 2 reasons. 1) I don’t trust people. 2) I don’t ever want to be seen as someone easy. I want to play hard to get and be desired, but something about this guy made me say fuck it and I went home with him. Only now, my heart regrets it.

He was standing in the entryway of the last bar I was going to be in for the night. He had just walked in with a friend and I pulled my friend Taryn aside and pointed at him while trying to shout over the music, “that one!”She immediately went to talk to his friend and that was my chance to start a conversation with him. He was drunk, but so was I and he was so pompous. I commented on how nice his teeth were and he just said “I know. So are yours.” If people had the attitude he had I would write them off immediately, but I felt this weird connection to him and I didn’t want to let that go. Yes I know it’s probably just lust, but I would like to think the universe brought us together for a greater purpose than sex. God, I’m a pathetic romantic so please everyone make sure you keep me in check. Reality and I were never really friends.

We stood in the entryway talking with our faces almost touching and time to time he made comments like, “I like you.” He was drunk, but that doesn’t mean a part of me wasn’t hoping this could be true. His friend tried pulling him away, but he stayed and talked to me. This was a good sign and we stayed talking until the club kicked us out. As we stood on the street we couldn’t help but kiss. The sexual chemistry was through the roof, and I wanted my hands all over his body. I tried to play nonchalant so I commented that I had to get going. I wasn’t planning on going home with him, but I was planning on fate bringing us back together again. We roamed the streets looking for my friends, hands locked and stopping every few steps to kiss. As people passed by they commented on how beautiful and attractive we were and how me made a hot couple. This made me feel elated. I have seen the couples they thought we were, and I had always wanted to be seen as a “hot” couple. I was experiencing that euphoria and it was addicting. I wanted the compliments, and I lost parts of myself to them. 

I caught up with my friends and we parted ways. I didn’t want to let go, but I was dead set on trying to be hard to get. My friend Tim, however, demanded I go home with him. That I was foolish to let him go, so I ran across the street to try and find him. I caught up to him, and when I did he smiled and showed me his phone. He was texting me asking me to come back. 

We caught an Uber and rode back to his place. Usually by this point I would be panicking thinking I made a mistake, but for some crazy reason I trusted him. I felt safe, but I didn’t even know him. When we got to his place I wasn’t thinking we would go very far, again I was holding onto this idea that I couldn’t give too much. I tried to ask him some questions about himself, but he seemed so disinterested in small talk. He was an asshole, but I was kind of into it. He started making these comments that I was his and he didn’t like to share. Normally, that would sound crazy, but I romanticized the moment and it felt very 50 Shades to me and I was all about it. But again, I kept reminding myself that all that could change come sober morning. We spent the night in his bed and did everything but have sex. I wanted it, but I told him no in hope that the chance to have it will come again. And it did, almost.

The following morning I hitched a ride with him to work where I caught an uber home. He madeout with me in the parking lot and then I was on my way. He text me later that morning and we talked throughout the day. He invited me over again, and I said yes. I wanted to hook up with him again, plus I wanted him to like me.

That night we ended up watching a movie. He was naked and cuddling me and I, playing this hard to get idiot, made sure we stayed on track and watched the movie. Well, he fell asleep and when it was over I woke him thinking we could get our freak on. He turned off the t.v., hugged me, and then proceeded to go to sleep. The following morning I woke up feeling a bit of a disconnect. I know that may sound weird, but I’m super intuitive and the slightest change in a persons energy can set me off. It’s weird. He ended up snuggling up on me, getting hot and heavy but not taking any action, and then hopping in the shower to get ready for work. I got dressed, hung out in his kitchen, and walked out with him. He gave me a hug goodbye, said he would text me, and then he was off.

He did text me later on, which was a surprise to me because I didn’t expect it. We had a brief conversation and then he stopped replying. I actually looked forward to seeing his name pop up and it never did, to be honest, it still hasn’t. I text him a few days after that asking if he would like to get together again and he didn’t reply to that either. So I take that as not interested, which is fine. Yet for some reason, it really irks me.

I don’t really want to date this guy, but the way he took control in the bedroom makes me want to abandon all forms of talk and allow his body to take full advantage of mine. I just want to have sex with him, and maybe that’s the rejection feelings I’m feeling from Corbit talking, but I want it. I want this guy. I want to feel that sexual pull I feel for him, with the person I end up with, and I forgot what that feels like. Maybe that was my one night stand’s purpose, to remind me what kind of sexual rush I should feel. But I also can’t forget that I need to feel and emotional rush too, and this guy, did not do that for me. He was a pompous asshole that was honestly kind of one dimensional and boring. Maybe there is a deeper side to him, but at this rate I will never see it. 

I am just emotionally exhausted. After having flown across the country to get rejected in person I was really looking forward to something like this. Non committal, hot, and fun. Plus, if the world thought we were hot, it has to be true right? Joking, but one day I do hope I find someone who will be my “hot” other half. Whatever the hell that means. 

I wish there was some lesson to teach here. Some moral you can walk away with. IF there is, let it be this. Leave the one night stand where it belongs; in one night. 

 

 

 

Destiny is a bitch

Everyone warned me. They told me I was crazy to fly across the country to tell someone I loved them when he already told me that he met someone and was in a relationship. But I believed he and I had something that could defy distance and beat the odds. We started like a movie romance, why couldn’t it end like one too? But as I sit on a plane headed back to LA days before I was originally supposed to come home, I can’t help but think maybe they were right. Maybe I was a bit crazy.

Things with Corbit were going well until Fate/God/ The Universe/ Whatever the fuck you want to call it, stepped in. After our night spent cuddling, I had my hopes up that we were on the track to reconnecting our heartstrings and getting this love train back on track.

We spent the day driving through the city and exploring the farmland around Nashville. We were just looking for some places to write and we found some nice spots that I have to realize we will never go back to. As we sat in the car blasting music I just listened. Listened to him sing, listened to my heart scream how much I wanted to kiss him, and listened to the air as it kept asking me what I was doing there. 

I felt emotionally exhausted, and I could tell that this trip was taking a toll on us. We didn’t know what to say anymore, but we both felt there was still more to say. It was almost as if we were waiting for the right words to make it all go away. But we never did find them.

That night, Corbit asked me if I could drive him to the airport so he could drop off some clothes to his music producers client and meet up with him for a quick chat about music. I drove and dropped him off and then headed back to his house while I just chatted with my best friend until he came home. When he got home something was a bit off, and I knew right away it had something to do with Wesley. As I stood in the kitchen watching him snack on Coconut slices he opened up about the fact that he ran into Wesley at the airport who was there to pick up his sister and how excited he was to see him. It was like a knife in my side. He told me Wesley asked to come hangout with him, but Corbette told him it wouldn’t be a good idea with me there. I felt a whole mix of emotions. I was sad, angry, and a bit frazzled. I told him that he should invite him over and I would just go in the other room, but I was full of shit. I did NOT want that kid to come over, and I would have been crying in the other room if he did come over. Corbette said he felt extremely guilty that he was denying his new boyfriend time because of me and I felt awful because I should have been able to just be a friend. But I couldn’t, and I can’t be that right now. I wanted to be the reason he was so happy but in that moment, I was the one thing holding him back from that happiness. 

After all this, I knew it was time for me to go. I came there to tell Corbit how much I liked him and how I wanted to be with him, but I had spent the last 3 days trying to do that and nothing was changing. He wanted Wesley, and no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to stop that. So I booked a flight home for the next day. I wanted him to stop me, beg me to stay, but he didn’t. Instead he made a comment that struck me hard. He said, “I feel like you’re losing yourself the longer you stay here.” And he was right. This was not me. I am not some guy who pines over someone who doesn’t want him and makes a fool of himself. But I am someone who will do anything for love, and no one can ever say I didn’t try. 

The next day we spent together enjoying what time we had left. He held my hand in the car, which was strange because it meant more to me than him, and we drove to my favorite places. We went and got the world’s best donuts, had sushi together, and then spent our remaining hour sitting by the water in a park. While we sat there he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He then takes out this bracelet and hands it to me. It was a memento from his first love, and he wanted me to have it because it is a representation of that crazy love I always wanted. This was his way of him showing me how much he cared and felt for me, and it may sound crazy, but I understood it. I have a memento from my first love, and giving that up would be so painful on me. He then gave me a box he got for me from Cuba that had the inscription “A life without life doesn’t count.” And then we just sat there and basked in what time and love was left. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what to feel.  I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t go on like that. I was so tired from feeling I just wanted a break. I needed to get away and go home. I wanted my friends, and I wanted to surround myself with those I loved. 

He drove me to the airport and the reality of it all started hitting me, I was leaving and this was it. I lost. He got out of the car and hugged me, and as quick as lighting, gave me a kiss on my lips. I didn’t see it coming, and he pulled away before I even had a chance to kiss back. It wasn’t fair, but when is love or life ever really fair to us? As I walked toward the sliding glass doors I did a turn around and watched his car drive off. A part of me hopes he turned around too, but I will never know. 

I am still processing. I went from being okay to anger, and now I can’t settle on an emotion to feel. I feel loved by him, but I also feel extremely played. He should have stopped my emotions sooner, but he was also honest about having met someone. I just didn’t choose to listen and I thought I could beat the odds. My birthday is in two weeks and I have this fantasy he will show up and tell me he made a mistake. That I am the one he wants and that he will do anything to make us work. But if I don’t let this hope go I am in for a world of disappointment. My good friend told me that I give me heart too easily and I need to be guarded. I asked how I do that, and he responded, “assume everything is going to end and nothing is going to last.” I can’t help but have hope, yet maybe he is right. I need to look at everything just as a moment and be happy with what I get. I just can’t help but think Corbit and I have a few more moments to live.

So dear future husband, you’re a very lucky man. If I flew across the country knowing I stood a minimum percent chance of winning his heart, you bet I would travel the globe for you. I will do anything for love, but I need to be careful who I give it to. I am tired of wasting my love on other people when I should be saving the best of it for you.