Is it fate or just a coincidence? Part 2

 

Read Part 1 here!

The second he said Sydney I knew it was him, and without missing a beat, I started spewing as many words and questions as I could get in over the music and before I lost his attention.

“Is your name Shaun? Are you a pilot? Did you date Aidon? I know Aidon!”

And then I started to tell a bit of my story, flying to Australia, falling in love, the cheating with Danny, and being left to return home alone.

We made our way to the bar, away from the sweaty bodies and pulsing music, where he bought me a drink as we started to compare our stories. We found a lot of inconsistencies. Aidon told me Shaun cheated on him, but in reality, Aidon cheated on Shaun. Leaving him to go back to his previous boyfriend, similar to what he did with me and Danny. Shaun apologized to me for what Aidon did and I apologized to him in return. It was like we were giving each other that apology that Aidon would never give to us, and in a weird way, it helped me release any lingering feelings I might have been holding on to.

We then Facetimed our friend Jacqui because she would never believe that we would have met in the most random bar in all of LA, and while on the call, Shaun leaned over and kissed me. I don’t know what his intention was, maybe for her to relay that message back to Aidon, but I didn’t mind. Maybe a part of myself wanted to get revenge too, but more importantly, I thought he was so cute.

Shaun’s sister approached us drunk and ready to leave. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and lucky for me, neither did he. When he stepped outside to hop in an uber with her, he text and asked me to tag along too.

“Nothing suss,” he proclaimed, “I just want to keep talking.”

And the thing was, I did too.

I told my best friend where I was going, leaving her in the arms of a beautiful tall stranger, and then I was off into the cab with someone who felt like a little piece of home.

After we dropped his sister off we began walking through the streets just talking. We’d occasionally touch and hold hands with kisses sprinkled like stars blinking in the night. I knew this wouldn’t last, how could it? This was my exes ex and yet again, someone who didn’t live in America. But as we walked passed window display we began to floor plan a future for us that we would never live. We picked out sofas and rugs and bathtubs and lamps. He promised me a library and a balcony overlooking the ocean, and walls lined with the worlds gaudiest tapestries. We laughed and we kissed and we allowed ourselves to just get lost together. It felt nice, and although I knew none of it was real, it was nice to pretend that it was. It felt so carefree, and I wonder if that’s what love should feel like. If love should feel like kids playing grown up and house.

I asked if he had a special someone back home, and of course, there was someone he had a crush on. His name is Sam, but the way he described him his name might as well have been Aidon part 2. Shaun and Sam had been talking for a few months and Sam wasn’t progressing their relationship. He refused to define it and would rather have kept Shaun in limbo. I know I didn’t know Shaun, but I knew he deserved better than that. Aidon put us through hell, so it made no sense to me that he would allow someone else to make him hide his feelings.

As we got closer to sunrise it was time for the magic to end. We had to wake up and come back to reality and leave behind this romantic fantasy we were playing, but these are the moments that make life feel amazing. Because we were just strangers, but our hearts, they were already friends.

I knew after tonight I wanted to see him again, but were my intentions romantic or friendly? I couldn’t figure it out. Because of course I thought he was attractive, but we also had such a unique story I just wanted to be friends and get to know him more. But despite what I was feeling what was he feeling? Did he think this was as magical and serendipitous as I did or was he a realist and to him this was all just one unmagical coincidence?

Is it fate, or just a coincidence? Part 1

Ever since I started my new job, I don’t get to go out on weekends anymore. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but when your life becomes a routine of work and sleep it’s nice to get a chance to let loose and just dance. And there is no better place I like to dance than Dance Yourself Clean at The Satellite in Silverlake.

When my best friend Kayla and I rolled up in our Uber we were annoyed to see a line out the door. When we first started coming this felt like “our” spot. It was never crowded, the music was wacky, and the people who came were free-spirited. The vibe and music haven’t changed, but the drones of people who now come can be a bit overwhelming, and when I’m forced to wait in line, very annoying.

As we waited patiently, a large group of people cut us off right when we got to the front of the building. Kayla started bitching, but I noticed a cute guy amongst the group and suddenly wasn’t angry that his party knew the bouncer and beat us inside.

About an hour later, as Kayla and I bounced around like idiots high on life and my first night off, I noticed the group from earlier dancing across the dance floor. I kept staring at the one I thought was cute and suddenly something clicked and I knew I recognized him from somewhere.

“Kayla!”

I began excitedly and breathlessly screaming at her over the music.

“I think that’s Aidon’s ex!”

For those who don’t know, Aidon is the boy I flew to Australia for. The one who cheated and ripped my heart out without any sense of regret or remorse. The one I was about to move for and change my entire life. The man who I thought was my soulmate.

So seeing his ex-boyfriend, the man he dated before me, was exciting. I needed to know if he thought Aidon was as terrible as I did. I wanted to find another survivor, and I needed to hear his story.

Immediately I had to come up with a plan. I wanted to confirm it was his ex, and the way I could do that without assuming anything was to find out if he had an accent. So being clever, I approached him and said,

“Hey, I like your shirt where’d you get it?”

He turned to me, a bit shocked, and replied,

“Oh, I got it back home in Sydney.”

The second he said Sydney I immediately knew I was right about who he was. This was Shaun, Aidon’s ex, and for some reason, in this small bar in all of Los Angeles, the universe brought two exes together.

 

 

Not Letting Go

People think “Get over him already” is good advice for a heartbreak, but let me just tell you, it’s not. It makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong because you can’t let go, or that your love was meaningless. It tries to take something that was once so big and make it small and insignificant. And I personally fucking HATE it.

I know I have dedicated a lot of these previous posts to my last relationship, and although it was shitty and terrible and he’s a jerk, it was still one of the most impactful and painful break up’s I have ever faced. And this isn’t a post dedicated to me wanting him back. This is an explanation for why I will never truly let him go.

As an artist, and especially as a performer, I pull from my past experiences to help me create. I don’t run from the way I feel, lock it up, and pretend I’m devoid about what is the best thing about being human.

I like to take these experiences and make poetry with it. I write a lot of poems about Aidon, sometimes saying the thing I wish I could have said, but they are not a plea for him to come back. On the contrary, they’re the therapy helping to exercise him out. And this is what I try to explain to people who tell me to get over him, but most of the time they just don’t understand.

You notice how there is a difference in grips? Like when drinking something you grip it firmly so it doesn’t spill, and how if you grip it softly it will slip? Both grips are a way of holding on, but notice how with one you can easily lose the very you’re trying to hold on to? This is what it’s like when I hold onto my ex. I still touch him, but I am not gripping in a way where I’m afraid to lose what I am holding on to. Like I’m a little further from the fire but I can still benefit from it’s warmth.

Aidon is my muse. He’s what I will continue to use for as long as I can, and If it makes me feel better to use him in my art what is wrong with that? Why do I have to forget and act like he doesn’t exist to me? I’m not hurting anyone else by using my experiences and making poetry or blog posts out of it.

So the next time you try telling someone to get over it, first try and understand why they’re in it. If I was on the floor bawling everyday just dying for him to come back then yes help me snap out of it all. But I’m not. I’m healing, and I’m not sorry that my process might look different than yours. That’s what make’s us beautiful.

 

Installments

Theres one thing my ex still has that keeps me tied to him, and it’s taken months for me to even get a part of it back.

I was all ready to move to Australia. My heart had moved there months before I was scheduled to arrive, but I had everything in order. I was in the process of getting my visa, I had my belongings all set, and the plane ticket purchased. I bought the ticket using his card so we could get travel points that we would both use to fly back to CA when it came time for me to visit my family. It was all too good to be true, but I was naive and in love and would have done anything for him. I really did believe he was my one.

After the break up, I cancelled the flight I had to move there and was patiently waiting for the airline to refund his credit card so I could get my money back. In the months it took for the airline to finally process it, Aidon had already been on multiple trips with his new boyfriend using up every single one of my travel points. He also created an instagram couples page with the new boy where they post all their travel, kissing, and mushy photos. It felt like a huge slap in the face, and the rage and sadness it brought was overwhelming. But remembering my worth, the value of his character, and how ugly the new boyfriend is, made me feel so much better. I didn’t lose a single thing, and looking at their photos now just makes me laugh. It’s kind of funny watching someone live out their life with the person they told you you had nothing to worry about. It is validating to your intuition, and the irony is just comical. But I think this mentality came with time. If someone would have shown this to me early on in my grieving process I would have been a mess. Now, after the initial shock, I feel nothing. Sometimes the nightmares aren’t as scary when you finally wake up.

I haven’t spoken to Aidon since he told me he wanted to be with Danny, and I’ve held strong to that. Are there moments I felt myself wanting to break? Of course, but the love I now have for myself trumps all, and no boy will ever again come between me and myself again. So when I awoke one day with an email from the airline saying my refund had finally been processed, I immediately asked my best friend if she would reach out to Aidon and ask for him to please send me my money.

He ignored her first text, either intentionally or because he wanted me to break my vow of silence and ask personally, but I wasn’t going to give in. After a week of him still not sending over my money, I had her text him again. This was going to be the last effort I was going to put into it. I know what you’re thinking, “You are just going to let him keep your money and use that shit to travel with the boy he left you for?!” And the answer is yes. If I was willing to lose that money in the first place, what difference does it make now. Do I need it? Fuck yes. I need to pay rent and bills, but it’s not worth my pride and all the love and effort I put into mending myself. Talking to him just gives him power. It allows him to think I will put up with mistreatment and subpar relationships. Talking to him used to make me feel weak, and I won’t risk that again.

A week after her second text he finally responded to her and sent over a PORTION of my money. $74.56 to be exact, and a little note. The note said, “Hey Kev hope you are well. You will receive more installments”

So many things flooded my mind in an instant and it went something like this:

Installments? What the fuck?

Don’t call me Kev I am not your friend. My name is Kevin.

$74 that is the most random amount ever. Where the fuck is the rest of it? 

Does the number mean something? Is it code? Is it romanic?

I was ultimately confused. This was the one moment he had to finally contact me and say something and all he said was that. I don’t know why I expected more from him, I honestly should have just been shocked I received a note, but still it irked me. Also why installments? He was refunded a full amount. They’re not sending the refund in small increments so why was he sending mine? It’s almost like he is intentionally dragging it out and I don’t know why. Wouldn’t he just want to send it all over and forever be done with me? I mean if he’s so happy with his new boyfriend like the the instagram page suggests, why is he still bothering with me? What game is he playing at? I know he has money, or did he blow it all on these vacations with Danny and now he needs my money for something?

My friends told me I should bitch him out and ask for the rest of it. But I am curious as to why he is doing what he’s doing and I almost want to see how it plays out. Like how many installments, is it weekly, or will it soon just all come at once? Apparently him and Danny will be in LA in April, and I wonder if the money will be the excuse he might use to try and meet with me. But again why does he? Why would he even care? He’s still playing a game, but for the first time I actually know I’m playing, and that makes somewhat of a difference.

Right?

 

What My Pride Can’t Say

Aidon,

I’ve spent so much time just thinking and reflecting, but somehow never forgetting. I can’t seem to forget anything about this whole experience. I’m not sure I want to if I’m being totally honest. When someone shakes your world and changes both your heart and your mind, how can you just forget about them?

I can’t.

I channel it into art, poetry, and all forms of my writing. I think mainly I’m just trying to write my way into understanding because I will never understand how you so easily forgot, moved on, and never once thought to look back.

I always thought we meant more than that.

People think the distance between us should make things easier, but it doesn’t. I think maybe it’s because the distance is so vast it makes everything about us feel small and meaningless and I hate that. Because to me, all of this was real. Nothing about the way I felt was fake, and it was unlike anything I had experienced before. I guess that’s what makes the aftermath so difficult as well.

I hope you don’t misinterpret why I’m writing you. This is not some confession that I’m madly in love with you and I want us back. This is just me breaking the silence that we so casually built between us. It’s me bringing some misunderstanding into the light. It’s me just simply trying to keep growing.

A part of myself wants to know if any of this was hard for you, and another part of myself knows I can’t really handle any more of your “truths.” It took me awhile to stop looking at your social media, but when I saw your vacations and the joy on your face with him, I knew I was just hurting myself deeper than you initially did. That pain was all on me.

When I was with you in Australia my emotions were so blindsided I couldn’t decide on how to feel. Love triumphed, which gave me patience, but I have still yet to find forgiveness. I can’t seem to forgive you for what you did to me. I go from anger, to hurt, to sadness, to just feeling like a dumb American.

You left me alone, after I flew across the world to be with you because you said you loved me, and then you ran after someone else. You wanted both of us, and in the end chose what was easier and more convenient. I can’t blame you for that. It’s easier to keep your life the way it is than to do something drastic that could alter it all together. But no one really grows in their comfort zone, and everything about you threw me out of mine. Heck I was supposed to be living with you in Australia right now! Nothing could have thrown me out of my zone more than that. Maybe that’s why I have taken so much away from this experience. I’m not going to pretend to know where you are in your life. I can only focus on myself and where I’m going, but I will never forget where I’ve been.

Why didn’t you try harder to keep me in your life? Why did you just let me walk away?

I know it’s easy to move on when you have your focus on someone else. I did not have that luxury, nor do I want it. I had my focus on you, and how you were able to balance two hearts for so long I will never understand. I bet it was easier to move on because you never had to see my pain, and maybe that is how distance could be beneficial for you. But I refuse to throw myself in a relationship just to forget my previous one.

I am thankful I allowed myself to break for you because I now have so much more clarity on what I want, what I need, and who I am. Now I can learn to love myself in all the ways you and I couldn’t. You never really know how little you know yourself until you actually take the time alone to learn it. But the more I learn, the more I realize how hard it is to grow. I guess maybe that’s why they have the term growing pains because even flowers must push their way through dirt before they can truly bloom and be beautiful. So many people settle in their lives, and I refuse to be one of them. So bring on the dirt, bring on the pain, because  I’ll be basking in the sun looking amazing. Alright, that’s enough of the poetic references for me.

Aid if we’re meant to be in one another’s life like we always believed, then time should never change that. So no matter how long it is until we speak again or see one another, I hope one day we can connect in a way that was better than before. Let that be the one truth you gave me.

Love,

KTN

To Move or Not To Move…

Today is the day I was meant to move to Australia.

I actually forgot what day I had planned, but somehow with my luck, the airline company sent me a text letting me know my itinerary was ready. You might be asking why was it was unlucky my phone did an amazing job at keeping me updated? Well, because I cancelled that flight 2 months ago. It had NO right reminding me that my love life is shit and my big life change was no longer going to happen.

It kind of felt like a slap in the face. A little way for the world to keep reminding me of my ex and how much I still miss him. To be honest, he has the most blog posts than any other guy I’ve dated. I should have written him off by now. His chapter should be done. But still, he lingers in my mind every damn day from the moment I wake up right until I  fall back asleep. He’s like herpes. He flares up, goes away, and then comes back with a vengeance. I don’t actually have herpes, but it seemed like a great metaphor for what he is. He’s my own personal herpes.

It’s weird because we haven’t spoken in 2 months and I still feel connected to him. I want to hear his voice again. I want to remember the tingle in my lips when he would kiss me. I want to feel the electricity that would shoot through my body when his fingers brushed my skin. I know, I know, I know. He’s horrible. He crushed my heart and I need to let go and move on because he’s trash. But for one brief moment he was my trash, and I loved that trash dearly.

In a weird twist of fate, I’ve still yet to receive my refund for that flight. I booked it through a third party site, to save money of course because I’m a poor boy, and they have yet to process it. The kicker is that it was paid for on my exes credit card and I had sent him money via paypal for it back when we booked it. This is my last and only tie to my ex and I wonder if the universe is making me hold on because it wants to give me an excuse to talk to him again. But listen up universe if you’re reading this, I AM NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I REALLY FUCKING WANT TO.

I don’t even know what I would say, plus he doesn’t really deserve ever hearing from me again. He chose someone else. He left me to fix myself in my brokenness, and in a weird way, I’m thankful for that. He said he would always be there if I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t need him to fix me. He CAN’T fix me. I have to fix myself and that’s what I am working on. It’s painful, and the more I work on loving myself, the more I understand why people settle, why people go for easy, and why people end up with others who don’t force or challenge them to grow. It’s easy to remain the same.

I asked myself what would have taken more strength, staying and loving him despite it all or walking away and using that time to love myself. And it takes way more strength to put yourself first than it would to stay.

Loving him was easy for me. It’s what I had come to know for the majority of last year, but not once did I put any of that love towards myself. Towards my own goals and dreams. He became my dream, and how sad is it that I myself was not a part of that?

I’m struggling to figure out what it is I really want in life. Daily I now ask myself, “What does Kevin want? What is Kevin truly passionate about?” And although it’s a slow process, I’m learning and I’m growing. Each day I’m getting closer and closer to my dreams, even if maybe right now I don’t know what exactly they are.

So I may no longer be moving to Australia, but I am still moving towards something, and that’s all that matters right now.

 

Marriage Equality

 

Last week Australia legalized gay marriage, and although I am super happy for my fellow brother and sisters to get married, the news came very bittersweet to me.

When I was dating my Australian guy, I was advocating to every Australian I encountered in LA to make sure they were voting for it to pass. I was so invested because I had it all worked up in my mind that he and I would one day tie the knot. Gay marriage is legal for me here in the states, but I wanted our future marriage recognized in his country as well.

When I was with him in Australia, I was by his side as we watched them announce the people’s vote for legalization. It wasn’t a guarantee that it would pass legally, but it was a huge step in the right direction. I like to look at it as the spark that started the fire, and a fire wouldn’t exist without a spark. It is, essentially, the most crucial part.

As we sat in his caravan watching them read the results, I felt so elated I was there by his side. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t want to be too forward, and once they released the yes he leaned over and gave me exactly what my heart was begging for.

But for some reason, he seemed distraught.

He told me he felt guilty we weren’t in Sydney to celebrate with everyone, but the thing was, the only person I felt I wanted to celebrate with was right there next to me. Us, in the cabin, was the only celebration I wanted. I asked if he was happy I was there with him, which might have been a foolish question, yet he flashed me his smile and said, “of course.” But if anyone has been following my journey with him, you know that a part of him was wishing he was with the other boy too. This moment should have been a vibrant red flag that he wasn’t choosing me if he was too upset about missing the “party” of the city.

But in order to bring him back, I told him that the people’s vote is awesome yet it’s not the end result, so he shouldn’t feel bad for not being with “everyone.”  I tried to justify us being together and away camping by saying the main result will come from the government, and when that does, then we celebrate big.

It seemed to do the trick, but the pain of having to diminish my historical moment with him lingered. I made something that was so important to me mean nothing just to satisfy his desire to have wanted to be elsewhere. I made myself small to make him big.

By the time the government legalized it officially, him and I were no longer talking. I never got to celebrate with him, I never got to give him that “we can marry one day” kiss. Instead, he celebrated this moment with the guy he chose over me. The “important” moment belongs to someone else now, and my moment was just a step when this dude got the finish line.

But something interesting happened.

Since I had cut off all contact from him and blocked him, he took the effort to reach out to my roommate to tell her to tell me that marriage passed since he no longer had any means of contacting me.

1. Why did that make you think of me?
2. Why would you tell me this when I know you have a boyfriend? Am I supposed to be congratulating you on the ability to marry him?
3. Why is this the thing you felt you HAD to tell me? Do you not think I have the internet?

Him telling me, actually, offended me. It brought back the reality that he is with someone else. Maybe it wasn’t his intention, but it felt like he was rubbing that fact in my face. Or was he trying to give me a sense of hope. Did he want me to think that I could still be the one he chooses one day? Or was he waiting for me to give him a big CONGRATULATIONS I hope you’re happy with your new boo.

Whatever his intention, I didn’t and I haven’t, broken my vow to abstain from him in my life. It hurts, and almost everyday I still find myself curled up in a ball of tears listening to music. But everyday I pick myself up, remind myself of my own worth, and focus on falling in love with who I am.

So congratulations to all of Australia, but fuck off to my own personal Australian.