Love Thyself

I haven’t written a post in a while, and I think it has a lot to do with this whole self-discovery kick I’ve been on. I created this blog to talk about dating. My struggles to find a genuine man. My mishaps and adventures in romance. I created this platform because dating WAS my focus. My dream. My goal. I think finding true love was my mission, but now, it isn’t. I am not focused on finding love in anyone but myself, and I think that is why all of sudden this blog has gone unexpectedly quiet.

There are other reasons as well. Unfortunately, about a month ago my grandma passed away and I don’t believe a part of myself has registered that. I still think come holidays we will spend it with her like we’ve done every year of my life. I can’t imagine a Thanksgiving or Christmas without her love and sass.

But also, I just simply haven’t been going on any dates. Ever since my Australia mishap I’ve only kinda pursued one person who just ended up becoming a fuck buddy and nothing more.

I got a new job, which is awesome and fun and puts more money in my bank account than I have seen in a while. So now I spend a majority of my time working on publishing my first poetry book and working at my new restaurant. I hardly ever go out and drink because I am so exhausted at the end of my work days. I know I am probably making myself sound super boring, but I promise you going through a phase like this is so beneficial. I get to step back and see what I want and who I am, and currently, I have reevaluated what my new dream might be. Because if it’s not finding love, what is it?

Don’t get me wrong, I am still dating, but only when I want to. I’m not rearranging previous plans, deterring from my routine, or making huge sacrifices for people who haven’t earned that type of respect yet. I used to give my time to others so freely and stealing it from myself but I am no longer doing that. And you know what I have found? It makes men angry.

I have been verbally attacked TWICE within the past week for turning down dates or not changing my plans to accommodate someone when they wanted me to. I’m not in a place in my life anymore where I just drop everything at the chance of love or romance. I used to. I would ditch friends, rearrange my schedule, and even cancel previous plans just to make a date work. I would sacrifice myself before people even deserved it, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.

I went out with this guy named Nick and we hit it off well. He was cute, easy to talk to, and we ended up getting breakfast at midnight. And although I had fun, I was in no rush to see him again. I didn’t feel inclined to rearrange any of my set week plans to make a second date. Maybe some of you could say it’s because I didn’t like him, but am I supposed to know that after a couple hours of hanging out?

The next day I spent the 4th of July on the beach with my friends. Some of them brought potential love interests and others were pining and waiting for someone to magically show up, but for the first time, I was content being single on a holiday. I didn’t need anyone there because I was just so happy to be with my friends. Nick, however, text me asking to hang out and when I declined, he began to get needy and aggressive saying I must just not be that interested.

1. We had just met yesterday
2. I didn’t owe him anything
3. I wasn’t going to change my plans or invite a stranger to join my friends

As the week progressed he got more upset when I didn’t rush the second date and then basically went on this rant about how if I was interested I would text back more frequently blah blah blah.

Why do people just assume you will drop everything for them when they barely know you and you barely know them?

Another guy named Alexander, whom I’ve never met with but talked via Instagram and texting, went off on me when I told him I was busy the day he asked me to lunch. He went on this tangent about how he’s well traveled, not poor, and blah blah blah. Why in the hell did he think that mattered to me? Of course, those are good traits to be culturally conscious and have finances in order, but if you aren’t humble or respectful why would I want you?

When I told him I wasn’t the type of person to just drop what I already have planned for someone else because THEY are available he called me arrogant, rude, and misleading. I have NEVER even met this guy and he was already making assumptions about my personality because I respectfully told him I was spending time with my family. I just don’t understand why people feel so entitled to things they haven’t earned. Maybe we now live in a society where people expect to get whatever they want. Is that the American Dream?

I’m not opposed to dating. I won’t run from love if it found me. But truth be told, I don’t want it to. I don’t want love right now because I don’t really know yet what it is I NEED right now. Therapy these past months have helped me get over Aidon and Australia. That experience broke me in a million different ways and try putting something back together that you never knew could break. PSA: Therapy is wonderful, but find yourself a therapist who will challenge you and force you to grow. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have someone to talk to and get me through all of this. She helped me discover a love for myself in more ways than I can count. Self-growth is fucking hard, and now I realize why so few people do it. It’s hard to accept areas in your life that need work because we live in a society that teaches us we have to be perfect. We live in a world of people who would rather stay in shit situations because they’re afraid to be alone. And you’re right being alone is scary, because you realize you have so much power, and that is terrifying to a world that wants you to have none.

 

 

 

 

Not Letting Go

People think “Get over him already” is good advice for a heartbreak, but let me just tell you, it’s not. It makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong because you can’t let go, or that your love was meaningless. It tries to take something that was once so big and make it small and insignificant. And I personally fucking HATE it.

I know I have dedicated a lot of these previous posts to my last relationship, and although it was shitty and terrible and he’s a jerk, it was still one of the most impactful and painful break up’s I have ever faced. And this isn’t a post dedicated to me wanting him back. This is an explanation for why I will never truly let him go.

As an artist, and especially as a performer, I pull from my past experiences to help me create. I don’t run from the way I feel, lock it up, and pretend I’m devoid about what is the best thing about being human.

I like to take these experiences and make poetry with it. I write a lot of poems about Aidon, sometimes saying the thing I wish I could have said, but they are not a plea for him to come back. On the contrary, they’re the therapy helping to exercise him out. And this is what I try to explain to people who tell me to get over him, but most of the time they just don’t understand.

You notice how there is a difference in grips? Like when drinking something you grip it firmly so it doesn’t spill, and how if you grip it softly it will slip? Both grips are a way of holding on, but notice how with one you can easily lose the very you’re trying to hold on to? This is what it’s like when I hold onto my ex. I still touch him, but I am not gripping in a way where I’m afraid to lose what I am holding on to. Like I’m a little further from the fire but I can still benefit from it’s warmth.

Aidon is my muse. He’s what I will continue to use for as long as I can, and If it makes me feel better to use him in my art what is wrong with that? Why do I have to forget and act like he doesn’t exist to me? I’m not hurting anyone else by using my experiences and making poetry or blog posts out of it.

So the next time you try telling someone to get over it, first try and understand why they’re in it. If I was on the floor bawling everyday just dying for him to come back then yes help me snap out of it all. But I’m not. I’m healing, and I’m not sorry that my process might look different than yours. That’s what make’s us beautiful.

 

Scratch That

I am prone to ignoring my intuition. Usually, I am never wrong, but I am very good at feeling the energies people throw out at me. Yet, I always ignore them. It’s like I don’t want to listen to what I know because somehow, I want it to be wrong. It’s almost like I want to prove myself wrong, and rarely, do I ever. The story I am about to say next is all based off of a hunch. I have no proof. No viable evidence, and if I am wrong, well I’m sorry I slandered your name. No matter, at the end of the day you’re still scum, scum that one or another, I am still dealing with.

I met Travis out in West Hollywood. That should have been red flag number 1, nothing good comes out of that bar scene except for a story and some ever lasting regrets. Travis made eyes at me across the pool table of Bar 10 while I was being dragged around by my friend Jordan meeting all of his friends. When Travis approached me my mind automatically screamed at me he was trouble, but pushing that nosey bitch of a voice aside, I agreed to meet his outstretched hand and say hello.

He was charming, smiling at all the right moments, and making me feel like I was the only guy in the bar. I kept glancing around for Jordan, he and I were supposed to be “together” for the night, and I didn’t want to get caught with someone else. But while Jordan was distracted with more friends, Travis slipped his number into my phone and slithered back into the crowd.

I immediately shot him a text that read, “you look like trouble,” and little did I know I was right. But he took that line, bit into it, and he was hooked. From that moment on he HAD to get to know me.

Jordan and I ended up at an after party at someone’s house and Travis pulled me into the kitchen while we talked over cold pizza and blurred conversations. He was so handsome, and his voice was so relaxed and warm. He seemed genuinely intrigued in getting to know me, and I foolishly thought in that moment, maybe he was the one LA has been hiding and holding just for me.

I awoke the next morning to a text and I felt so elated. This handsome boy did want to get to know me, and he was reaching out to set up our first date.

Later that night I met him at his apartment and we walked over to an Irish pub for drinks and fries. He told me about his family, his goals for acting, and how he was a deep and sentimental guy. Honestly, it was weird for me to hear someone describe themselves as deep, but I ignored it and just listened to him talk about himself. Although he was connected to his OWN feelings, he seemed so disconnected to those of the ones around him. He didn’t ask me much about myself, and didn’t seem to want to know about my art and dreams.

After that night we saw each other every day for a week. We spent almost each night together leading up until my week trip in Mexico. By the end of our week together I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work between us. He seemed to lack substance, and although he paraded himself as this deep and emotional guy, he seemed to only care about himself. Also, every time we were together, he either wanted to be smoking or drinking. It was like he had to be high off of something in order to function with the realities around him. He also smoked cigarettes, and after I saw him smoke his first one, I should have turned away and never looked back. But being the nice guy I am, I believe I have the power to change people. Hell, I can’t even change myself.

I’m a big stickler on STDs and trying my best to avoid them at all costs. Travis had just been tested, as was I, so I didn’t worry much about them. The only thing that did concern me was this persistent rash he seemed to have on his arms, but he quickly diffused my concerns about it when he caught me staring, and said his eczema had been acting up. My first hunch was HIV. Being gay I am ALWAYS paranoid about HIV, but again we weren’t having sex so I wasn’t too concerned about it being that either.

Although I knew everything about him was wrong for me, I did still kind of like him. While in Mexico he text me, which was surprising because I assumed he would have had already moved on. That’s how relationships are in LA. Nothing lasts, and slowly I’ve started to lower my expectations and accept that. But I hate that I am doing that, and I refuse to abandon my idea that love is out there.

Turns out though the day I left Travis hooked up with his ex boyfriend and this other guy he was apparently talking to while talking to me. It hurt, but like I told myself going into it, not to expect too much. I called him out for his BS when I returned, stupidly spent one more night with him, and then moved on.

But I believe Travis left a little something behind so I will never forget him.

Weeks after Travis, I started to get itchy. I ignored it and chalked it up as jock itch from constantly working out in the gym. The itch persisted, and slowly, bug bites started to appear on my arm. Again, I tried not to panic, and assumed maybe something just bit me. But soon, every morning, I was waking up with more and more bites.

A quick google search led me to the idea I might have bed bugs, but after nights of searching and worrying, I didn’t find a single bug. Soon, however, my bites moved to my wrist and looked exactly like the rash Travis had on his arms. Another google search later, I concluded that just maybe I had Scabies.

And for those who don’t know, Scabies fucking suck! It’s a microscopic parasite that burrows, bites, shits, and lays eggs in your skin. And the bug bites you feel are an allergic reaction your body has to the whole ordeal.

So that finally explained the itching and persistent bites, but how do you get it you ask? Skin to skin contact or shared clothes/bedding. It’s an STD that you don’t even have to have sex to get, so that’s why it’s not listed or tested for. Oh yeah did I forget to mention you can’t get tested for it? You just have to wait until you have symptoms and hope you get it diagnosed in time or else you’re just going to continue to infect everyone you love and care about.

I immediately text Travis if he ever figured out what his rash really was, and he said his doctor told him it was “dry skin.” Bullshit. But I made an appointment with my doctor and lo and behold, I was right that I had scabies.

The treatment is simple, apply a cream from head to toe, and come morning the little buggers are dead. BUT they fail to mention the emotional and physical pain this parasite and “cure” causes on a person.

I was still itchy, and the symptoms got worse as my body tried to expel everything out of it. I developed rashes everywhere, and the itch was worse than when I had Scabies. I was afraid to touch anything or anyone, still am, and my body still has yet to recover. Every bump that appears on me I assume is Scabies and I freak out. Post Scabies resembles actual scabies, so one can ever tell if they are reinfected or cured. But if you still show symptoms a month after treatment, it is likely you’re still infested. I am in that month period, and I just want to curl up into a ball until it all passes.

I forget what it’s like to have clear skin, and it has caused me so much anxiety that I relapsed into a depression. Yes it’s curable, but it feels like it will never go away. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but the more I talked about it with people, the more common I discovered it really is. Turns out I have friends who have fought this same battle and survived, and that is what I hold on to.

I still don’t know if it came from Travis. It could have come from anyone, but the fact he had rashes when we met leads me to believe that I may not be wrong. I’m sorry for anyone he infected and didn’t tell. I’m sorry for the person passing it and not knowing. And I am sorry for anyone I may have unknowingly gave it to as well. I don’t want anyone to ever have to deal with this. It’s medieval torture for the modern age.

So next time my gut tells me someone is trouble, I won’t scratch it away. And be warned, Scabies is a thing, and it’s an invisible bitch that wants to haunt you and your dreams.

Don’t let it.

One Night Stand

I wasn’t expecting it, honestly I vowed I would never go home with someone from a bar. I believed this for 2 reasons. 1) I don’t trust people. 2) I don’t ever want to be seen as someone easy. I want to play hard to get and be desired, but something about this guy made me say fuck it and I went home with him. Only now, my heart regrets it.

He was standing in the entryway of the last bar I was going to be in for the night. He had just walked in with a friend and I pulled my friend Taryn aside and pointed at him while trying to shout over the music, “that one!”She immediately went to talk to his friend and that was my chance to start a conversation with him. He was drunk, but so was I and he was so pompous. I commented on how nice his teeth were and he just said “I know. So are yours.” If people had the attitude he had I would write them off immediately, but I felt this weird connection to him and I didn’t want to let that go. Yes I know it’s probably just lust, but I would like to think the universe brought us together for a greater purpose than sex. God, I’m a pathetic romantic so please everyone make sure you keep me in check. Reality and I were never really friends.

We stood in the entryway talking with our faces almost touching and time to time he made comments like, “I like you.” He was drunk, but that doesn’t mean a part of me wasn’t hoping this could be true. His friend tried pulling him away, but he stayed and talked to me. This was a good sign and we stayed talking until the club kicked us out. As we stood on the street we couldn’t help but kiss. The sexual chemistry was through the roof, and I wanted my hands all over his body. I tried to play nonchalant so I commented that I had to get going. I wasn’t planning on going home with him, but I was planning on fate bringing us back together again. We roamed the streets looking for my friends, hands locked and stopping every few steps to kiss. As people passed by they commented on how beautiful and attractive we were and how me made a hot couple. This made me feel elated. I have seen the couples they thought we were, and I had always wanted to be seen as a “hot” couple. I was experiencing that euphoria and it was addicting. I wanted the compliments, and I lost parts of myself to them. 

I caught up with my friends and we parted ways. I didn’t want to let go, but I was dead set on trying to be hard to get. My friend Tim, however, demanded I go home with him. That I was foolish to let him go, so I ran across the street to try and find him. I caught up to him, and when I did he smiled and showed me his phone. He was texting me asking me to come back. 

We caught an Uber and rode back to his place. Usually by this point I would be panicking thinking I made a mistake, but for some crazy reason I trusted him. I felt safe, but I didn’t even know him. When we got to his place I wasn’t thinking we would go very far, again I was holding onto this idea that I couldn’t give too much. I tried to ask him some questions about himself, but he seemed so disinterested in small talk. He was an asshole, but I was kind of into it. He started making these comments that I was his and he didn’t like to share. Normally, that would sound crazy, but I romanticized the moment and it felt very 50 Shades to me and I was all about it. But again, I kept reminding myself that all that could change come sober morning. We spent the night in his bed and did everything but have sex. I wanted it, but I told him no in hope that the chance to have it will come again. And it did, almost.

The following morning I hitched a ride with him to work where I caught an uber home. He madeout with me in the parking lot and then I was on my way. He text me later that morning and we talked throughout the day. He invited me over again, and I said yes. I wanted to hook up with him again, plus I wanted him to like me.

That night we ended up watching a movie. He was naked and cuddling me and I, playing this hard to get idiot, made sure we stayed on track and watched the movie. Well, he fell asleep and when it was over I woke him thinking we could get our freak on. He turned off the t.v., hugged me, and then proceeded to go to sleep. The following morning I woke up feeling a bit of a disconnect. I know that may sound weird, but I’m super intuitive and the slightest change in a persons energy can set me off. It’s weird. He ended up snuggling up on me, getting hot and heavy but not taking any action, and then hopping in the shower to get ready for work. I got dressed, hung out in his kitchen, and walked out with him. He gave me a hug goodbye, said he would text me, and then he was off.

He did text me later on, which was a surprise to me because I didn’t expect it. We had a brief conversation and then he stopped replying. I actually looked forward to seeing his name pop up and it never did, to be honest, it still hasn’t. I text him a few days after that asking if he would like to get together again and he didn’t reply to that either. So I take that as not interested, which is fine. Yet for some reason, it really irks me.

I don’t really want to date this guy, but the way he took control in the bedroom makes me want to abandon all forms of talk and allow his body to take full advantage of mine. I just want to have sex with him, and maybe that’s the rejection feelings I’m feeling from Corbit talking, but I want it. I want this guy. I want to feel that sexual pull I feel for him, with the person I end up with, and I forgot what that feels like. Maybe that was my one night stand’s purpose, to remind me what kind of sexual rush I should feel. But I also can’t forget that I need to feel and emotional rush too, and this guy, did not do that for me. He was a pompous asshole that was honestly kind of one dimensional and boring. Maybe there is a deeper side to him, but at this rate I will never see it. 

I am just emotionally exhausted. After having flown across the country to get rejected in person I was really looking forward to something like this. Non committal, hot, and fun. Plus, if the world thought we were hot, it has to be true right? Joking, but one day I do hope I find someone who will be my “hot” other half. Whatever the hell that means. 

I wish there was some lesson to teach here. Some moral you can walk away with. IF there is, let it be this. Leave the one night stand where it belongs; in one night. 

 

 

 

Destiny is a bitch

Everyone warned me. They told me I was crazy to fly across the country to tell someone I loved them when he already told me that he met someone and was in a relationship. But I believed he and I had something that could defy distance and beat the odds. We started like a movie romance, why couldn’t it end like one too? But as I sit on a plane headed back to LA days before I was originally supposed to come home, I can’t help but think maybe they were right. Maybe I was a bit crazy.

Things with Corbit were going well until Fate/God/ The Universe/ Whatever the fuck you want to call it, stepped in. After our night spent cuddling, I had my hopes up that we were on the track to reconnecting our heartstrings and getting this love train back on track.

We spent the day driving through the city and exploring the farmland around Nashville. We were just looking for some places to write and we found some nice spots that I have to realize we will never go back to. As we sat in the car blasting music I just listened. Listened to him sing, listened to my heart scream how much I wanted to kiss him, and listened to the air as it kept asking me what I was doing there. 

I felt emotionally exhausted, and I could tell that this trip was taking a toll on us. We didn’t know what to say anymore, but we both felt there was still more to say. It was almost as if we were waiting for the right words to make it all go away. But we never did find them.

That night, Corbit asked me if I could drive him to the airport so he could drop off some clothes to his music producers client and meet up with him for a quick chat about music. I drove and dropped him off and then headed back to his house while I just chatted with my best friend until he came home. When he got home something was a bit off, and I knew right away it had something to do with Wesley. As I stood in the kitchen watching him snack on Coconut slices he opened up about the fact that he ran into Wesley at the airport who was there to pick up his sister and how excited he was to see him. It was like a knife in my side. He told me Wesley asked to come hangout with him, but Corbette told him it wouldn’t be a good idea with me there. I felt a whole mix of emotions. I was sad, angry, and a bit frazzled. I told him that he should invite him over and I would just go in the other room, but I was full of shit. I did NOT want that kid to come over, and I would have been crying in the other room if he did come over. Corbette said he felt extremely guilty that he was denying his new boyfriend time because of me and I felt awful because I should have been able to just be a friend. But I couldn’t, and I can’t be that right now. I wanted to be the reason he was so happy but in that moment, I was the one thing holding him back from that happiness. 

After all this, I knew it was time for me to go. I came there to tell Corbit how much I liked him and how I wanted to be with him, but I had spent the last 3 days trying to do that and nothing was changing. He wanted Wesley, and no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to stop that. So I booked a flight home for the next day. I wanted him to stop me, beg me to stay, but he didn’t. Instead he made a comment that struck me hard. He said, “I feel like you’re losing yourself the longer you stay here.” And he was right. This was not me. I am not some guy who pines over someone who doesn’t want him and makes a fool of himself. But I am someone who will do anything for love, and no one can ever say I didn’t try. 

The next day we spent together enjoying what time we had left. He held my hand in the car, which was strange because it meant more to me than him, and we drove to my favorite places. We went and got the world’s best donuts, had sushi together, and then spent our remaining hour sitting by the water in a park. While we sat there he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He then takes out this bracelet and hands it to me. It was a memento from his first love, and he wanted me to have it because it is a representation of that crazy love I always wanted. This was his way of him showing me how much he cared and felt for me, and it may sound crazy, but I understood it. I have a memento from my first love, and giving that up would be so painful on me. He then gave me a box he got for me from Cuba that had the inscription “A life without life doesn’t count.” And then we just sat there and basked in what time and love was left. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what to feel.  I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t go on like that. I was so tired from feeling I just wanted a break. I needed to get away and go home. I wanted my friends, and I wanted to surround myself with those I loved. 

He drove me to the airport and the reality of it all started hitting me, I was leaving and this was it. I lost. He got out of the car and hugged me, and as quick as lighting, gave me a kiss on my lips. I didn’t see it coming, and he pulled away before I even had a chance to kiss back. It wasn’t fair, but when is love or life ever really fair to us? As I walked toward the sliding glass doors I did a turn around and watched his car drive off. A part of me hopes he turned around too, but I will never know. 

I am still processing. I went from being okay to anger, and now I can’t settle on an emotion to feel. I feel loved by him, but I also feel extremely played. He should have stopped my emotions sooner, but he was also honest about having met someone. I just didn’t choose to listen and I thought I could beat the odds. My birthday is in two weeks and I have this fantasy he will show up and tell me he made a mistake. That I am the one he wants and that he will do anything to make us work. But if I don’t let this hope go I am in for a world of disappointment. My good friend told me that I give me heart too easily and I need to be guarded. I asked how I do that, and he responded, “assume everything is going to end and nothing is going to last.” I can’t help but have hope, yet maybe he is right. I need to look at everything just as a moment and be happy with what I get. I just can’t help but think Corbit and I have a few more moments to live.

So dear future husband, you’re a very lucky man. If I flew across the country knowing I stood a minimum percent chance of winning his heart, you bet I would travel the globe for you. I will do anything for love, but I need to be careful who I give it to. I am tired of wasting my love on other people when I should be saving the best of it for you. 

What Is Happening?!

In an earlier post I wrote about falling in love at first sight. I met Christopher in D.C. and we had a romantic weekend that took my heart with it. One week later, here in Nashville, I met someone named Corbit. And Corbit stole my heart just like Christopher did, and now I’m just one confused boy who doesn’t know what love is. Is it possible to feel this strongly about someone after just feeling so strongly about someone else? Maybe it’s the fact that I’m traveling and I’m never in one place longer than a few days, but there is something both upsetting and intriguing by the fact my heart has been stolen for a second time. Am I a fool for love? Or are we as people able to access a deep connection with someone if we open ourselves up and live authentically? Both with Christopher and Corbit I didn’t hold back. I just expressed myself fully and went into a situation knowing it wasn’t going to be forever, but here I am wanting a forever with someone I just met.

Corbit is an amazing person, and I feel incredibly blessed for the time I got to spend with him. Time, that I feel, wasn’t long enough. Meeting up with him proved to be quite difficult. I made Tinder yet again, and If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, I am a very unreliable narrator. I think I’ve been on again off again dating apps that it might reach the point where no one takes me seriously when I say I’m off it. Okay, that’s besides the point. This is about Corbit. And the only reason I created Tinder again was because I went out, got drunk, and really wanted a beautiful boy to dance with. I wasn’t going to easily find that on Broadway in Nashville.

I say meeting up was difficult for many reasons. 1) He’s currently doing his residency at a local Hospital in Nashville. 2) I’m here to visit my friend Caitlyn and she doesn’t want me spending anytime with anyone who is not her. BUT we finally found the time, and a few arguments later with Caitlyn, I finally met up with him.

We met in front of a restaurant and then just spent the rest of our time walking through Nashville and talking. Corbit is exactly my type. He is super masculine, athletic, smart, and handsome. I was enjoying every minute with him. We talked about life, our views on love, and just our passions. We were both being very open with one another, and the conversation just flowed naturally. I told Caitlyn I would have been back in a few hours, but the night went a lot longer than expected. 

After we walked through town he opened up to me and said that he played music, so I was dying to hear it. I was boasting that I sing musical theatre, which I found out later, would turn out to be a mistake. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and jam on the guitar and possibly write a song. I didn’t want the night to end so of course I said yes. I’m very glad I did.

We got back to his place and I drank two water bottles, which caused me to have to pee like 5x. It embarrassed the hell out of me because it looked like I had a bladder problem. I would literally go pee and then 10 minutes later go again. I kept drinking water so I had a reason to keep going, but I’m pretty sure that was the reason I kept going. I was just nervous and full of liquids.

He set up on the sofa with guitar in hand and I sat on the floor. I wanted a good view to admire him as he played. I don’t know what I expected, but I did not expect the talent that Corbit has. He’s studying medicine, so of course I didn’t take him seriously as a musician. But the second he started playing and he let out this amazing voice, I was floored. I thought I was good, but he made me look like a drunk white girl at karaoke trying to sing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.” He is amazing, and I wish you all could hear what I did. He was so modest about telling me had played music, but with his talent I would be shouting it from the rooftops making everyone listen to my music. But I guess that’s how we’re different and what I find I admire about him. He’s not like me, and I find that to be beautiful.

He asked me to sing with him, so we sang “The Scientist”, “Mad World”, and “Hallelujah” just to name a few. I was so embarrassed and self conscious to sing with him, but I put fear aside and did it anyway. The entire time I wanted to kiss him, and the second we finished singing “The Scientist” I felt this immediate pull to kiss him and express this overwhelming attraction I felt for him. But I didn’t. I held back because I didn’t know what he felt towards me and I wanted him to make the move.

We played music for a good two hours and then we just laid down and listened to music and talked more about life. We discussed our families, the things that make us tick, and the things we love. Slowly our bodies got closer until his hand was on my arm and mine was on his. But beyond that, nothing happened. We just sat there linked while talking. My body was screaming to be kissed, but still, it didn’t happen.

He confessed to me that normally he doesn’t like to be touched, but he felt comfortable with me and didn’t mind. After awhile we stood up and he asked me to dance. I laughed and said of course. Did he really want to dance right now in his living room? He ran to his ipod and picked the song he wanted our bodies to move to and then he pulled me close. Nora Jones’ “Come Away With Me” started playing and he rocked my body back and forth. And then it happened. He leaned in and he kissed me. His beard brushed against my skin and the scratch of it all just felt right. Like with Christopher, it felt like our lips were meant to kiss. And it confused the hell out of me even more. How was this possible? I don’t like people often, but when I do I fall fast.

I ended up staying the night, and nothing sexual really happened. We just cuddled and slept, and the next morning he dropped me back off at Caitlyn’s. I wanted more time with him. I wanted to stay in bed and listen to the Thunderstorm raging outside as it matched the rhythm of my beating heart. All of it felt unreal, and it still does, but who cares. Is it bad that I felt so much so quick for two very different people? Am I like some emotional slut who can’t control his heart? Maybe this is how life should be. We should all just be open with people because it leads to amazing things, and I think life is all about connectivity. If anything, you can have amazing connection without sex. I assure you that.

Buffet

When it comes to dating in today’s society, we have many choices of people to choose from. With dating apps like Tinder, it makes it easy for us to see all the people we could “potentially” be with. Ideally this sounds great! We have an abundance of people to choose from, but is too many choices a good thing or a bad thing? Overall, I say bad. But don’t worry, I will telly you why.

When we have so many choices, it makes it harder to settle on one thing. Have you ever been to a restaurant with such a large variety of options that you found it nearly impossible to decide on one thing because so many things sounded good? I think this same struggle is prevalent with our dating world. And this is a problem for a couple reasons.

First, it makes it hard to settle on a person. If you’re dating someone and you start to feel like you maybe want to be a little more serious, you might have this small feeling of doubt that you’re picking the right person. Back to the food reference: Have you ever ordered something and then doubted the food choice you made because what if you wanted the Spaghetti instead of the Chicken Parmesan?  Both are great dishes, but just what if you liked the other more? Knowing that you have the ability to talk to multiple people at once, it’s going to be extremely difficult to develop a special connection with just one person. Therefore it’s even possible for no connection to ever be made. The choice can sometimes become overwhelming, leaving an individual to miss out and never choose at all.

A second problem with so many choices is that it always leaves the door open for this mentality that there could be someone better. In the back of everyone’s mind is that, “If this doesn’t work out, I can just check my Tinder and find someone else.” We start to play this horrible game with ourselves where we start to tell ourselves things like, “we could find someone hotter” or “I could find someone taller.” So you go into every single date thinking that if any little thing goes wrong it’s not meant to be and there’s someone else for me. This is so damaging because it can stop people from pursuing things that could eventually turn into great relationships.

I also find this problem of choice to be relevant in an actual relationship and not just the dating process. I find that my generation is so quick to give up. That if anything goes wrong in the relationship, fights or disagreements, it’s not meant to be. We have become accustomed to this idea that love doesn’t come with sacrifice, so if love turns sacrificial it starts to feel wrong. It get’s hard and people aren’t cut out for that. Instead, this idea of an “easier love” creeps into our thoughts, and we think back to all the choices we once had before. I’m even guilty of this mentality, but I can tell you right now I never gave up on a person or a relationship. But sometimes people aren’t that strong, and they fall prey to the choice and go in search of that “easier love.”

I enjoy having choices, but I do find it a bit overwhelming at times. It makes it hard to choose someone to focus my attention on, but it is also nice to know that if it doesn’t work out with one person there is someone else out there. I just think it’s a fine line that we all have to figure out how to balance. We have to learn to give our all to a single person and to fight for that relationship, but we also need to understand that sometimes the choice of someone else is just what we need. My biggest fear, however, is that we will never find this balance. And I will be stuck fighting for people who would rather choose someone else than fight for me.

 

Maybe He Was Right?

I think I like to pretend I understand love, but sometimes I question if that is even true. Love, to me, has been this thing I have alway strived for. It’s what I always wanted, so I started to give it freely and easily to anyone who stuck around long enough to make me feel it. Were they deserving of my love? No. But they made me feel incredible things, and the only way I knew how to express that was with the words, “I love you.”

I was once told I fall in love too easily, and at the time, that greatly offended me. I don’t think anyone wants to be told their love comes easy. But I think it’s true, and everything inside myself doesn’t want it to be. So I’ve begun to ask myself, what is love, and why do I keep thinking I have found it? And honestly, maybe I have. Maybe I have stumbled on parts of love and confused it for the whole thing. But I know in my heart I haven’t found that crazy wild love. The one that connects to the soul and makes you believe there is no one else in this world made for you. The one that rocks your world in both body and spirit. The one that inspires you and pushes you to grow. The one you just couldn’t possibly live without. That’s the love I’m always looking for when I say “I love you,” but that’s not the love that has been receiving those words. And that is what upsets me. I’m upset that I have abused the one thing I thought I was always keeping sacred. I have been giving my heart to freely, and just because someone asks for it, doesn’t mean they deserve it.

My goal for my next relationship, whomever that might be with, is to not push love. I’m not going to give my heart away just to have it returned back to me when they decide they no longer want it. No, the next time I say I love you it’s going to be for that wild love. The one that deserves to be loved will be the one that gets my love. I know it sounds like common sense, but sometimes the most basic and simple tasks take the most overthinking.