Sparks Again

Tonight I went on a date.

Shocking, I know. A blog about dating and I start this post with, “I went on a date,” like it’s some absurd thing. But if you’ve been following along you will know that this is actually huge since that pesky think called a break up that I just went through.

His name is Alec and we met on this new app I just got called Hinge. They’re not paying me to say this, but so far it’s my favorite dating app. It’s very organized, people on it actually talk to one another, and the boys (for the most part) are cute as hell. I even matched with a YouTube celeb! But back to Alec.

We met at my favorite pizza spot because it was the only real location I knew between where we both live. He and I probably live about 40 minutes from one another, which if you’re a LA snob, would be considered “too far.” But if you know me you know that clearly I have no problem with a little distance. I mean, I dated someone in Australia for crying out loud! I don’t think I can get much further than that, well, until they colonize Mars. Then knowing my luck I would probably even try to do intergalactic distance because why the fuck not. I love challenges apparently.

Leading up to the date I knew I was going to have a good time. He had a great sense of humor and I felt connected to him right away when we first started chatting, but I was also having a great day in general so I was open to more positivity and connectivity.

When I saw him standing outside the restaurant I immediately began to size him up. He was both taller and thinner than I imagined and a lot more handsome in person. Not that I didn’t think he was attractive going into this, but sometimes photos can be a let down. I mean that’s honestly how I feel about mine. I get so insecure I won’t live up to the facade I parade on social media. I’m working on insecurity though, and it’s totally a part of my whole process of learning self love.

I gave him a hug, but I never know what the proper response is to meeting an online date for the first time. Are you supposed to hug or shake hands? Or just do nothing and say hi? I’m not sure what’s “proper,” but I always hug. I’m a hugger.

When we were waiting in line to order our pizza we were already instantly connected in conversation. There was no awkwardness, it was extremely playful and flirty, and it was comfortable like we’ve known one another for awhile. It was nice, and it felt so refreshing to just be myself again without being anxious on a date. The best part was, I completely forgot about my ex while I was with him.

One of the big issues with Alec though is that he doesn’t like Taylor Swift, but I think that’s something we can work on. But in reality everything about him is pretty great. He has a wonderful sense of humor, kind blue eyes, and such a genuine energy about him. I made a ton of poor jokes throughout the night that were mainly funny to me, and despite him poking fun at my humor, I just knew we would get along well. For example when we talked ethnicity he said his dad was 100% Danish and I asked, “Cherry or Apple?”

I thought it was hilarious.

While talking though I could tell he is the type of person I would fall for, and I made sure I took note of that so I don’t lose myself in him if this is something I decide to pursue further. Plus he is a people pleaser, and to me that is a BIG red flag. People pleaser’s tend to hurt people by being deceitful to make others happy, so I made sure I took a mental note of that as well. I’m not putting a wall up, but I am making sure I’m cautious in future relationships so I don’t end up hurting like I have in the past. After all no one is going to protect my heart better than myself.

After dinner we walked to our cars together still stuck in conversation. On the side of the restaurant is a plaque with two handprints on it and some writing above each hand and the gist of it is that one person places their hand on the handprint and a stranger places their hand on the other and you remove your hands once you’re no longer strangers. I placed my hand on one of the handprints and read it aloud while he placed his hand on the other. When I finished reading he goes, “But we’re not strangers,” and then leaned in and kissed me. It was so romantic and perfect and made my frozen heart melt a little. It was the perfect moment for a first kiss and I will definetly always remember it, especially because I go to that pizza place all the time.

When we reached our cars he pulled me in and kissed me again while he held me with such confidence. It was nice, and I could tell he genuinely cared. I don’t know if that makes sense but there was just something about his grasp that felt good, and I haven’t felt that good in a very long time.

He asked to see me again and I didn’t want to appear eager so we never set a date. He said we had to hang in his neighborhood next time, and I smartly replied “What makes you think I have to go to you?” This made him laugh and he retorted with, “We all know who wears the pants in this relationship,” and that just made me laugh even harder back because he has no idea what he’s in for.

I like the me I portray when I’m first getting to know someone because it’s my true self. I’m carefree, not afraid to be myself, and I actually eat my dinner because I’m not a self conscious nervous mess. Overall, I’m confident, but somehow I lose it as relationships progress. I’m working on it.

I don’t know where Alec and I will go. This could be it for us or there could be more dates to come, but honestly it doesn’t matter to me. Because for the first time I felt a little spark, and that’s enough to help remind myself that I can move on and love again.

 

To Move or Not To Move…

Today is the day I was meant to move to Australia.

I actually forgot what day I had planned, but somehow with my luck, the airline company sent me a text letting me know my itinerary was ready. You might be asking why was it was unlucky my phone did an amazing job at keeping me updated? Well, because I cancelled that flight 2 months ago. It had NO right reminding me that my love life is shit and my big life change was no longer going to happen.

It kind of felt like a slap in the face. A little way for the world to keep reminding me of my ex and how much I still miss him. To be honest, he has the most blog posts than any other guy I’ve dated. I should have written him off by now. His chapter should be done. But still, he lingers in my mind every damn day from the moment I wake up right until I  fall back asleep. He’s like herpes. He flares up, goes away, and then comes back with a vengeance. I don’t actually have herpes, but it seemed like a great metaphor for what he is. He’s my own personal herpes.

It’s weird because we haven’t spoken in 2 months and I still feel connected to him. I want to hear his voice again. I want to remember the tingle in my lips when he would kiss me. I want to feel the electricity that would shoot through my body when his fingers brushed my skin. I know, I know, I know. He’s horrible. He crushed my heart and I need to let go and move on because he’s trash. But for one brief moment he was my trash, and I loved that trash dearly.

In a weird twist of fate, I’ve still yet to receive my refund for that flight. I booked it through a third party site, to save money of course because I’m a poor boy, and they have yet to process it. The kicker is that it was paid for on my exes credit card and I had sent him money via paypal for it back when we booked it. This is my last and only tie to my ex and I wonder if the universe is making me hold on because it wants to give me an excuse to talk to him again. But listen up universe if you’re reading this, I AM NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I REALLY FUCKING WANT TO.

I don’t even know what I would say, plus he doesn’t really deserve ever hearing from me again. He chose someone else. He left me to fix myself in my brokenness, and in a weird way, I’m thankful for that. He said he would always be there if I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t need him to fix me. He CAN’T fix me. I have to fix myself and that’s what I am working on. It’s painful, and the more I work on loving myself, the more I understand why people settle, why people go for easy, and why people end up with others who don’t force or challenge them to grow. It’s easy to remain the same.

I asked myself what would have taken more strength, staying and loving him despite it all or walking away and using that time to love myself. And it takes way more strength to put yourself first than it would to stay.

Loving him was easy for me. It’s what I had come to know for the majority of last year, but not once did I put any of that love towards myself. Towards my own goals and dreams. He became my dream, and how sad is it that I myself was not a part of that?

I’m struggling to figure out what it is I really want in life. Daily I now ask myself, “What does Kevin want? What is Kevin truly passionate about?” And although it’s a slow process, I’m learning and I’m growing. Each day I’m getting closer and closer to my dreams, even if maybe right now I don’t know what exactly they are.

So I may no longer be moving to Australia, but I am still moving towards something, and that’s all that matters right now.

 

Friendly Confession

Feelings are fickle. You never know when they’re going to show up and you’re never quite certain when they’re going to leave. And then the question remains, do they really go away or do they linger for forever?

I was at a going away party tonight for a friend who is moving to New York to pursue his dream of being on Broadway. We hadn’t spoken in long time, but I figured his party was a good excuse for me to kick my dry spell and see if he had any hot friends I could pick up on. Plus, I wanted some free food.

When I arrived at the party I immediately saw my “sassy gay best friend” Michael, and went to hangout with him since I didn’t really know anyone else. He’s not my real best friend, but that was the nickname we had for each other. We caught up on the formalities and then headed to the roof where everyone was smoking weed.

Once on the roof we started talking about the deeper more meaningful stuff. He asked me how I was doing in regards to Aidon and if I was still sad. Which, despite the clear fact I need to get the fuck over him, I am still sad. He asked what bother’s me and it was still the same stuff: the cheating, the hurt, the idea of love. I asked him if my feelings were ever going to go away and his response was, “No, but one day it just won’t hurt anymore.”

But all night I could tell something was bothering Michael, like he was withholding some lingering topic of conversation he couldn’t find a way to let out. I thought maybe he was mad at me for the night I let him go down on me when I was blackout drunk because I for sure didn’t want to let that moment give him any ideas that I was interested in more. I was simply just sad, hurting, and wanting to fill the void my ex left.

After an awkward encounter of the host asking if I was dating anyone, I found my way back to the front door and let myself out into the cold chilly winter LA air. The breeze on my face was such a relief compared to the cramped heated interior of my friends apartment.

Michael quickly followed me out and walked me back to my car, using the heat as an excuse to also escape the party. When we reached my car he finally confessed that he had something to tell me which just confirmed the hunch I had all night.

He started it off casually, and then told me he didn’t want my views of him to change. I knew immediately what he was going to say, and I awkwardly tried to do a million things to avoid his confession. I searched my trunk for a jacket, I wobbled back and forth, and I kept grabbing and swinging from a nearby telephone pole.

I had only seen Michael probably 3 times since our show together two years ago, and we’ve only spoken every so often. I confided with him a lot recently about the break up, so I wasn’t fully expecting what he had to tell me.

As we stood there, well he stood and I fidgeted, he confessed he had feelings for me and he’s had them for the past year.

Wait. Pause. Freeze.

He has had feelings for me for the past year even though we’ve hardly spoken and have barely seen one another? How is this possible, and why?

And then suddenly this terrified me.

He has been romantically feeling for me without me knowing and I honestly haven’t given him any thoughts like that since, well, since ever. But if he is like me then he thought of me during romantic moments of movies, certain songs, and practically anything that has to do with love. And this has been going on without my knowledge for a year.

I should explain why this scared me. It scared me because what if I become him but in regards to my ex? What if I hold onto something that isn’t there, and all the while I’m doing this, my ex isn’t ever thinking of me? How sad. How painful. How… disappointing.

I told him I appreciated him telling me, and he quickly interjected and said he doesn’t expect me to reciprocate but that he wanted me to know. And I did appreciate knowing. It was nice to know that someone likes me because I am so traumatized from flying across the world and getting rejected. My view of myself isn’t really at it’s current greatest.

But I did feel sad. I know what it’s like to to have feelings for someone and not have them reciprocated. And it just got me thinking, are we always going to be longing for what we can’t have? Will I always want people I’ve lost in my past? Am I ever going to truly move on? And how do we, as people, hold on to things that aren’t fighting to hold on back?

I know in time everything will make sense. But my friend has liked me for a year, and in that year he didn’t cross my mind once. Romance, is a fucking bitch.

Marriage Equality

 

Last week Australia legalized gay marriage, and although I am super happy for my fellow brother and sisters to get married, the news came very bittersweet to me.

When I was dating my Australian guy, I was advocating to every Australian I encountered in LA to make sure they were voting for it to pass. I was so invested because I had it all worked up in my mind that he and I would one day tie the knot. Gay marriage is legal for me here in the states, but I wanted our future marriage recognized in his country as well.

When I was with him in Australia, I was by his side as we watched them announce the people’s vote for legalization. It wasn’t a guarantee that it would pass legally, but it was a huge step in the right direction. I like to look at it as the spark that started the fire, and a fire wouldn’t exist without a spark. It is, essentially, the most crucial part.

As we sat in his caravan watching them read the results, I felt so elated I was there by his side. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t want to be too forward, and once they released the yes he leaned over and gave me exactly what my heart was begging for.

But for some reason, he seemed distraught.

He told me he felt guilty we weren’t in Sydney to celebrate with everyone, but the thing was, the only person I felt I wanted to celebrate with was right there next to me. Us, in the cabin, was the only celebration I wanted. I asked if he was happy I was there with him, which might have been a foolish question, yet he flashed me his smile and said, “of course.” But if anyone has been following my journey with him, you know that a part of him was wishing he was with the other boy too. This moment should have been a vibrant red flag that he wasn’t choosing me if he was too upset about missing the “party” of the city.

But in order to bring him back, I told him that the people’s vote is awesome yet it’s not the end result, so he shouldn’t feel bad for not being with “everyone.”  I tried to justify us being together and away camping by saying the main result will come from the government, and when that does, then we celebrate big.

It seemed to do the trick, but the pain of having to diminish my historical moment with him lingered. I made something that was so important to me mean nothing just to satisfy his desire to have wanted to be elsewhere. I made myself small to make him big.

By the time the government legalized it officially, him and I were no longer talking. I never got to celebrate with him, I never got to give him that “we can marry one day” kiss. Instead, he celebrated this moment with the guy he chose over me. The “important” moment belongs to someone else now, and my moment was just a step when this dude got the finish line.

But something interesting happened.

Since I had cut off all contact from him and blocked him, he took the effort to reach out to my roommate to tell her to tell me that marriage passed since he no longer had any means of contacting me.

1. Why did that make you think of me?
2. Why would you tell me this when I know you have a boyfriend? Am I supposed to be congratulating you on the ability to marry him?
3. Why is this the thing you felt you HAD to tell me? Do you not think I have the internet?

Him telling me, actually, offended me. It brought back the reality that he is with someone else. Maybe it wasn’t his intention, but it felt like he was rubbing that fact in my face. Or was he trying to give me a sense of hope. Did he want me to think that I could still be the one he chooses one day? Or was he waiting for me to give him a big CONGRATULATIONS I hope you’re happy with your new boo.

Whatever his intention, I didn’t and I haven’t, broken my vow to abstain from him in my life. It hurts, and almost everyday I still find myself curled up in a ball of tears listening to music. But everyday I pick myself up, remind myself of my own worth, and focus on falling in love with who I am.

So congratulations to all of Australia, but fuck off to my own personal Australian.

The Breakup Problem

Today I hit a bit of a relapse. I slept for over 12 hours which is mainly what I do when I’m having major anxiety and depression. When I got back from Australia I spent 5 consecutive days doing this. Then I started to feel better when I blocked Aidon and took my power back, but today I feel like I was thrown back to square one. So I was thinking, why am I struggling with moving on, and why are break ups so hard? But I think I found an answer.

I’m a hopeless romantic, which can be nice, but can also lead to major delusions. My expectations for a relationship are high, so if not reached, I will just naturally have a sense of disappointment. I like to be realistic as well though. I am aware that not every relationship will be perfect, but I do like to believe movie moments exist because I know for a fact I’m someone who would do them. And if I do them, isn’t it possible there is someone else out there who would do them too?

But I realize the sadness from my break up comes from the fact that I am having to let go of the idea and fantasy of the relationship I built. And when I thought about it that way I started thinking, was I actually sad about losing Aidon as a person? And the answer is no. He lies, cheats, and used me emotionally to make himself feel better. Why would I want that in a lover, let alone a friend? But see the idea of him in my head is not like that. He’s romantic, sweet, caring, and a total babe.

And that’s the problem.

I feel like it’s the idea of him that got with the reality of someone else. What I mean is, I feel like I lost my dream boy to somebody else. But Aidon isn’t the dream boy. He came with traits no one deserves in a partner, and that’s what I struggle with accepting.

Even now a small part of me wants him to show up on my door and “pick” me, but the thing is I would never trust him. I wouldn’t take him back, and I would also feel insecure when with him. I don’t think that would ever go away, and that’s something else that makes me sad. I’m sad about the fact that he can NEVER be who I thought he was.

My pride is also hurt. I feel rejected, and I don’t like walking away defeated when I gave something my all. But the way I try to look at it is that I didn’t really lose, but rather won. If anything, I dropped something that was holding me back. I was about to give up my dreams of acting to move across the world, but what if 2018 was going to be the year something big happened for me in acting? Or what if I was going to meet someone here who was going to change my life for forever? And realistically what did I lose? The opportunity to date someone who for the course of our entire relationship lied about his feelings and was also sleeping with someone else? Someone who told me he loved me and then did everything that said otherwise? I didn’t lose shit. I won the second I put myself first and officially let him go.

So, there it is. That’s why I’m sad. I’m sad I lost my fantasy of love, and a part of myself is scared I will never love again. But I’ve been broken hearted before and I got past it. This one just seems to hurt a little bit more.

 

 

F*CK YOU

Sometimes, the best way to get over someone bad for you is to simply tell them to fuck off.

Let me set the stage for you.

For those following my Aidon/Danny journey you know I left Australia to come home after Aidon told me he picked Danny. For those new to my blog welcome, and here’s a brief history.

I met a boy from Australia. After many visits to me in LA he made me believe we were in love. Turns out he has a secret side lover (Danny) but he confessed he wanted me. I fly to Australia to seal the deal. He sends me home saying he was wrong and wants Danny. Then he tells me he wants neither of us and that he needs to focus on himself. I, being a dummy, believe him. ONE week passes since I got back from Australia and I’m a sad mess. Well, until now.

I’m super intuitive. Okay, you may be thinking if I’m intuitive why didn’t I see the whole Danny thing coming, but honestly I did. I just ignored it because my stubborn ass will do ANYTHING to make love finally fucking work. Well as I sat, sad on my parents floor, I got a hunch to look at Danny’s instagram. I just knew I would see something, and lo and behold, I did. He posted an instagram story of a bird perched on Aidon’s balcony and I fucking lost it.

I mean, I guess I had no right to be angry, I did decide to walk away. But I walked away thinking I still had a chance. Again, what an idiot I was for still wanting this asshole, but I did. Just because someone turns out to be a dick doesn’t mean the love just goes away.

But I was so upset because just days before, he was telling me he was taking the time to focus on himself and he still didn’t know what he wanted. Now here was Danny, in his apartment, while I sat lonely on the other side of the world. So I did what I should have done a long time ago, I let him fucking have it.

I asked him all my questions, even the painful ones, and watched as he danced around them. I turned the pressure on hotter and then eventually I got my answers. He was picking Danny. Even if I lived there he would have still picked Danny. I had no chance. He then had the AUDACITY to keep telling me that he wanted to be friends and that we are meant to be in each others life and things could possibly not “work” with Danny. FUCK OFF if you think I’m about to be your friend and have you in my life. It’s like he was trying to give me some sense of hope that he could still choose me.

So I told him everything I was holding back. I told him how I thought he was selfish, arrogant, and completely full of shit. I know I should have ended maturely and nicely, but read my old posts leading up to this and you will know that’s what I’ve been doing. It was finally time to let my inner bitch out.

In the end I never found out why he picked Danny over me. But I think it’s because he could control him and I can’t be. I have too much of a mind of my own to be persuaded and manipulated. He may have fooled me for awhile, but he can fuck off if he thinks he can do it again.

So now I’m no longer sad. I’m angry, and anger is a lot more motivational than sadness. I finally feel energized to get up and keep going, and I finally found the strength to block him on all forms of social media. I can’t believe I was about to change my entire life for him. I know love is blind, but did it have to make me fucking dumb too?

All Things Must End

I’m sitting here writing this in the airport terminal 3 days before I was actually intended to leave. But my heart couldn’t take it anymore, and watching the man I love struggle between picking me and someone else just became unbearable.

The breaking point came when Aidon, his friend Haley, and I were sitting hanging out on his balcony. He had left to make a call and when he came back I just knew it had something to do with Danny. He looked at me, with guilt in his eyes, and then he confessed to us that Danny blocked him and cut him out of his life. He then started crying. The man I just flew across the world to see and spend time with started crying in front of me for another boy, and that’s when it hit me. If Danny could have this strong of effect on him then there is love there I don’t want to compete with. I am not someones second choice. I am not an option.

He and Haley excused themselves to go for a drive so he could talk things out with her, and I sat in his apartment by myself shocked that this was happening. Did he really just leave me alone, in a country where I have no one but him, to go talk and vent his feelings about another boy? And in that moment I remembered my worth. My future husband wasn’t going to leave me alone while he runs after someone else.

When he came back my heart just knew a part of him has picked Danny. When I confronted him about it he agreed, saying that maybe he does want him more. I  said okay, walked out of the room, and then proceeded to pack my bag. I am not going to sit back and have someone tell me they pick someone else over me after I had dropped everything to be there with them. If losing Danny made him think he wanted him, he was in for a world full of surprise when he loses me.

Seeing me actually get everything together made something in him snap. He started saying he’s making a mistake and that I’m the one he wants.

I just laughed.

He didn’t want me, and I also don’t think he wants Danny. I think he just wants to be with whoever is hurting the most because having him is the only way Danny or I would be happy and he’s tired of seeing both of us hurting.

Our last night together was weird. It was a lot of crying and apologies and him saying he doesn’t know what he wants. We watched a movie, he tried to cuddle, but I didn’t want to touch him. How could I when I kept thinking that maybe a part of him wanted to touch someone else?

He’s emotionally retarded, and for someone who is 30 years old I expected a lot more maturity out of him. He played with my emotions, kept telling me I was what he wanted, and then when I came to make it happen he got scared. He keeps saying he’s afraid of me, scared of what he feels for me because he’s never felt like this before. Well Aidon, I need a partner that can make a choice. Someone who can stand up for what they believe in, and someone who will fight tooth and nail for love.

Danny told Aidon he would take him back if Aidon would give him proof that he is officially done with me. Apparently he wants a screenshot of a text between Aidon and I with Aidon saying he picks Danny. That should be enough proof to Aidon that Danny is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

My goodbye with Aidon was tough. I don’t want to let go because I love him and I know that the relationship we could have had would of been amazing. But looking at it now, we could not have started a relationship with all his lies and dishonesty.

I told him that he needs to take the time to really think about what he wants, and he has to be prepared that whoever he chooses may not want him back. But I said that’s the risk we take with love, and that he has to fight for it. He has to prove to whoever he picks thats what and who he wants. He has to work fucking hard, and I don’t think he actually has the strength to do that.

I could see him try and backpedal saying I’m the one he could choose and what not but at this point it’s just lip service bullshit.

Would I take him back? Probably, and I’m such an idiot for saying that. But I see something special there, however, I just can’t be the only one who see’s it.

If he wants me, he knows where to find me. But I’m not putting my life on hold while he figures it out. I got lots of life and love to give. Let the new adventures begin.

 

 

 

 

Three is a Crowd

I’ve been in Australia now for over a week visiting Aidon, and I still can’t help but to feel like there is a dark cloud looming over me.

He keeps telling me to enjoy my trip, to not think about the fact of Danny, and to enjoy the moment. But I am human. I don’t know how to turn my feelings off, pretend I’m not hurting, and to just be present. How can I be present with someone when I feel a huge part of myself screaming to run away?

Somehow Danny manages to become a topic of conversation every single day. Mainly it’s because I feel a huge sense of insecurity and I’m plagued with questions that I need answered. And every time I hurt or show some sense of pain Aidon will ask me what’s wrong. How many times can I tell him the same thing until he just understands he is the cause of it all?

The reason I’m still allowing myself to stay in this love triangle is because I can’t physically go home until the next few days. After this I will be worlds away and I won’t have to see Aidon, I won’t be forced to look at him and see him in my mind with someone else, and I will find it easier to be sad and eventually move on.

I always saw love as black or white. I know love triangles exist in movies, but I’ve learned that life is never like the movies. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I never want to be in one like it again. Imagine watching the person you love say they love you but they also love someone else too? Imagine trying to constantly be present and give your whole heart to someone who is giving less and sometimes mentally off somewhere else. I never asked to be in a competition, and although I know my worth, I’m not here to convince someone else to see it.

I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of pretending to be okay just so he can feel okay. If I keep giving him all my strength how am I going to be strong for myself? And this is how I know I love him, because I am so quick to make sure he’s okay that I’m ignoring the nagging feeling I have inside that is telling me to take care of myself. I love him, but I also love me.

I just want him to choose. Instead Danny and I both hang by like options, but I am not a option. I should be someones choice. And that’s the lesson here. We, as people, should never have to convince someone to love us. If we fall for people without the convincing, why do we feel like we have to convince them? Shouldn’t they just fall like we did?

My mom always tells me love should be easy. That there shouldn’t be too much drama and that if it’s right it just works. Sometimes I believe her and sometimes I don’t. Falling for Aidon was easy. Everything about us clicked very naturally and quickly in the beginning. Now, however, it just became difficult and I don’t know if it’s worth fighting for. I mean, if I was on the outside I would tell me to tell him to fuck off and go find someone worth it and better. But that’s the shitty thing about love. It makes you stay long after you need to, and it makes it hard to even let the worst things for us go.

I don’t know how my trip here is going to end. I hate that I will always look back on Australia and think about how I flew across the world to just get my heart broken and handed back to me. I know Aidon hasn’t picked Danny, but he hasn’t picked me either.

 

Choices

 

Love is weird. It takes the most simple things and makes it all complicated. I never understood why it couldn’t be like the movies. Maybe I romanticize love too much, or I fall too easily. I just am well aware of what I want and I go after it. But I tend to fall for boys who don’t know what they want, and it makes me wonder if I’m doomed to either love or be loved but never both.

I’m spending money I don’t have right now to be in Australia with Aidon. If it wasn’t for my sheer stubbornness and naivety I probably wouldn’t be here. But I wanted to show him how much I care. How much I want him, and basically, make him feel my love.

But I don’t trust him.

Because of the whole Danny situation I feel all shades of weird. When I hug him I want to let go a lot sooner than I want. When I kiss him I want it to stop. And  none of these feelings come from me being disgusted or repulsed by him, actually it’s the opposite. I feel so strongly for him that I’m scared if I hug too long or kiss too much I’m going to fall even deeper for him and just get hurt. I want to run away. I want to never speak to him again and just disappear. But at the same time I want him. I want to be with him for the long haul.

He says that he has picked me and he wants to be with me, but despite everything he still hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t made the move to make me officially his. He claims to be mine, that a title doesn’t make a difference, but for some reason to me it does.

Danny stopped talking to him after he found out about me. He discovered some photos and poems I gave to Aidon for his birthday and then showed them to him in some big dramatic reveal. He tried to get Aidon to get rid of me and Aidon said no. So in the end Danny let go. Aidon calls that making the choice to choose me, but it really wasn’t. He didn’t choose me, het got left with me like I was the last option. If Danny didn’t find out about me would I still have been the one Aidon would have picked?  Or would I still be in a competition for his attention without even knowing it.

Now Aidon is torn. He tells me he is certain of his feelings for me and nothing has changed, but you can tell there is still something weird in regards with Danny. And the worst part is, when I bring it up, he says he doesn’t know if it’s guilt or the fact that there actually might be something more for Danny. I know it’s guilt, I mean if he wanted to be with him he could have. Danny is the easier choice. He actually lives in the same country as Aidon. Why now is he confused?

So here I am, on the other side of the world, still feeling like the one who wasn’t picked. I don’t feel special. I don’t feel that wanted, and most of all I’m losing the words to say how I feel. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I feel exhausted.

I’m trying to follow my heart. By now it would have told me to walk away. My intuition would have told me to run, but it hasn’t. Not yet. So here I am still fighting. Still hoping that maybe this could be it. That Aidon could be the one. But I’m getting tired of trying, and I deserve someone who will fight for me as much as I would him.

He says he can’t do distance. So I say I’ll close the gap. That I would move and make a life here in Australia. He says he would feel too guilty. And now I just feel like I can’t win. And if he can’t compromise, why try? He hasn’t made a choice about anything, and I sometimes think I should make it for him by walking away. If losing Danny in his life makes him question things I wonder what would happen if I was gone too.

 

 

Walking Blind

After a month and a half of being separated, I finally got the chance to be with Aidon in person again. Leading up to this moment we spent countless hours on the phone, texts and snaps were the norm, and the usual tag in a relatable meme was part of our routine. It was all leading up to him coming to visit California again on September 8th.

I was nervous as hell to see him. Were all the same feelings going to be there? Was he finally going to ask me to be his boyfriend? Were we actually falling in love or did I invent the whole thing in my head/heart?

He was coming back to work for 2 weeks and then he carved out 5 extra days where it was just him and I together with no distractions. And although I was going to practically see him everyday he was here, I was most looking forward to those 5 days. Those were going to be “our” days and I couldn’t wait to soak up every experience with him.

I arrived to the airport late, not an unusual coincidence for someone as careless as me, and when I saw him my heart stopped. I was so excited, and so overwhelmed, and he rushed to embrace me giving me a kiss that felt like the movies. I couldn’t stop kissing him after that, and I knew in that moment, all my feelings leading up to this were true. And suddenly I got very scared, because I knew I was going to fall deeper.

After countless hours in traffic on the way back to my apartment, we made our way to the bedroom. I couldn’t wait to just lay down with him, hold him close, and feel the warmth of his body against mine.

As the week progressed we spent all our time together. I would go to work, and then spend the remaining of my day with him. We would eat, watch movies, and just enjoy each others company. But I was so full of anxiety and I couldn’t figure out why. i didn’t know if my intuition was trying to tell me something or that I was just overthinking and on the verge of self sabotage.

He never got on his phone during dinner or private moments, but in the downtime like car rides and laying by the beach, he would pick it up and shoot a text. I tried to ignore it, but I felt so jealous about something and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Aidon has this friend, back home, named Danny. All I knew of Danny was that he and Aidon were talking before he met me here in California. I didn’t know how serious they were, and at the time, I didn’t care. Aidon and I had just met, so who was I to feel any form of jealousy about his personal life back home? But somehow Danny remained in the picture after I came to be, and Aidon reassured me that they were just friends. So naturally I believed him. I mean, how can you establish a relationship without trust?

The more time I spent with Aidon the more a part of myself felt like he wasn’t fully mine. Something just seemed off, and after a romantic night together at dinner, I walked out of the restaurant to see Aidon on the phone. When I asked who it was he said it was Danny just calling to say goodnight. Wait, what? That to me was weird. Friends don’t just call to say goodnight. So I told Aidon, “Hey I think he likes you more than a friend.” Aidon obviously ignored it and denied Danny’s feelings, but I knew there was more to it.

Through the course of the trip I started to notice that Danny was watching all of my instagram stories, which just proved my point to Aidon that Danny liked him. When I finally told him, he said to me that he knew and asked him to stop. I reassured Aidon he wouldn’t stop, and as a way to prove my point, I posted a story of a beer with the caption that read, “Because I know you’re watching.” I followed that one up with a picture of Aidon with a caption that read, “Because part 2.”

Looking back, it was kind of a bitchy thing to do, but someone was trying to steal my man and I wasn’t just going to stand by and let it happen. No one fucks with America.

After about 30 minutes I checked to see if he saw, which he did, and immediately he was texting Aidon about how it hurt his feelings and that I wasn’t a good guy. Yet, Aidon was aware of what I just did. I couldn’t fucking figure out why Danny felt like he had some claim to Aidon. Why he thought he had the right to feel everything he was feeling towards him. Didn’t Aidon make it clear that he and I were a thing? Things just didn’t seem to add up to me, and after one drunken night together, I snooped through Aidon’s phone.

I wish I didn’t.

There I found texts between him and Danny which proved they were a lot closer than he led me to believe. There was a picture of Danny with a hickey, which Aidon told me later he gave him because of a game called Piccolo. There were texts about Danny saying he’s going to miss cuddling every night, which Aidon justified by saying that Danny was dramatic and that he cuddles with all his friends. Everything I asked, he had an answer to, and after awhile I didn’t want to think about it anymore. Aidon wasn’t officially my boyfriend, so did I have any right to be upset. Who was the other woman, me or Danny? And the crazy thing is, Aidon doesn’t treat me like he treated Danny. There conversations were so empty, short (On Aid’s end), and you could see how Danny tip toed around Aidon’s emotions. My conversations with Aidon are deep, I make him talk about emotion, and we talked often and about a future. I could tell, just by the few times I even heard him on the phone with Danny, that he was into me more than him. But why did he still keep him around? I asked if they were ever sexual and he told me no.

I didn’t believe that.

After I found those texts I couldn’t really focus. I was angry, sad, and I just didn’t know what to do. I wanted to believe Aidon, and call me foolish, but I didn’t tell him to go. I didn’t kick him out. I held on, because I knew what we had was love. I just also knew he still needed the time to figure it all out. Plus he wasn’t actually my boyfriend, and in the grand scheme of things, we only spent a week together before this and built an entire relationship on distance.

I probably sound so dumb building a fort of excuses for him. In reality he was leading both Danny and I on, but still I don’t know the extent of how much. I just know the way I feel for him, and so far it’s making me crazy and stupid. Is Aidon a good guy? Are there any good guys? Or am I just a fool who wants love so bad he can’t even see the dangers in front of his own eyes?