Installments

Theres one thing my ex still has that keeps me tied to him, and it’s taken months for me to even get a part of it back.

I was all ready to move to Australia. My heart had moved there months before I was scheduled to arrive, but I had everything in order. I was in the process of getting my visa, I had my belongings all set, and the plane ticket purchased. I bought the ticket using his card so we could get travel points that we would both use to fly back to CA when it came time for me to visit my family. It was all too good to be true, but I was naive and in love and would have done anything for him. I really did believe he was my one.

After the break up, I cancelled the flight I had to move there and was patiently waiting for the airline to refund his credit card so I could get my money back. In the months it took for the airline to finally process it, Aidon had already been on multiple trips with his new boyfriend using up every single one of my travel points. He also created an instagram couples page with the new boy where they post all their travel, kissing, and mushy photos. It felt like a huge slap in the face, and the rage and sadness it brought was overwhelming. But remembering my worth, the value of his character, and how ugly the new boyfriend is, made me feel so much better. I didn’t lose a single thing, and looking at their photos now just makes me laugh. It’s kind of funny watching someone live out their life with the person they told you you had nothing to worry about. It is validating to your intuition, and the irony is just comical. But I think this mentality came with time. If someone would have shown this to me early on in my grieving process I would have been a mess. Now, after the initial shock, I feel nothing. Sometimes the nightmares aren’t as scary when you finally wake up.

I haven’t spoken to Aidon since he told me he wanted to be with Danny, and I’ve held strong to that. Are there moments I felt myself wanting to break? Of course, but the love I now have for myself trumps all, and no boy will ever again come between me and myself again. So when I awoke one day with an email from the airline saying my refund had finally been processed, I immediately asked my best friend if she would reach out to Aidon and ask for him to please send me my money.

He ignored her first text, either intentionally or because he wanted me to break my vow of silence and ask personally, but I wasn’t going to give in. After a week of him still not sending over my money, I had her text him again. This was going to be the last effort I was going to put into it. I know what you’re thinking, “You are just going to let him keep your money and use that shit to travel with the boy he left you for?!” And the answer is yes. If I was willing to lose that money in the first place, what difference does it make now. Do I need it? Fuck yes. I need to pay rent and bills, but it’s not worth my pride and all the love and effort I put into mending myself. Talking to him just gives him power. It allows him to think I will put up with mistreatment and subpar relationships. Talking to him used to make me feel weak, and I won’t risk that again.

A week after her second text he finally responded to her and sent over a PORTION of my money. $74.56 to be exact, and a little note. The note said, “Hey Kev hope you are well. You will receive more installments”

So many things flooded my mind in an instant and it went something like this:

Installments? What the fuck?

Don’t call me Kev I am not your friend. My name is Kevin.

$74 that is the most random amount ever. Where the fuck is the rest of it? 

Does the number mean something? Is it code? Is it romanic?

I was ultimately confused. This was the one moment he had to finally contact me and say something and all he said was that. I don’t know why I expected more from him, I honestly should have just been shocked I received a note, but still it irked me. Also why installments? He was refunded a full amount. They’re not sending the refund in small increments so why was he sending mine? It’s almost like he is intentionally dragging it out and I don’t know why. Wouldn’t he just want to send it all over and forever be done with me? I mean if he’s so happy with his new boyfriend like the the instagram page suggests, why is he still bothering with me? What game is he playing at? I know he has money, or did he blow it all on these vacations with Danny and now he needs my money for something?

My friends told me I should bitch him out and ask for the rest of it. But I am curious as to why he is doing what he’s doing and I almost want to see how it plays out. Like how many installments, is it weekly, or will it soon just all come at once? Apparently him and Danny will be in LA in April, and I wonder if the money will be the excuse he might use to try and meet with me. But again why does he? Why would he even care? He’s still playing a game, but for the first time I actually know I’m playing, and that makes somewhat of a difference.

Right?