All Things Must End

I’m sitting here writing this in the airport terminal 3 days before I was actually intended to leave. But my heart couldn’t take it anymore, and watching the man I love struggle between picking me and someone else just became unbearable.

The breaking point came when Aidon, his friend Haley, and I were sitting hanging out on his balcony. He had left to make a call and when he came back I just knew it had something to do with Danny. He looked at me, with guilt in his eyes, and then he confessed to us that Danny blocked him and cut him out of his life. He then started crying. The man I just flew across the world to see and spend time with started crying in front of me for another boy, and that’s when it hit me. If Danny could have this strong of effect on him then there is love there I don’t want to compete with. I am not someones second choice. I am not an option.

He and Haley excused themselves to go for a drive so he could talk things out with her, and I sat in his apartment by myself shocked that this was happening. Did he really just leave me alone, in a country where I have no one but him, to go talk and vent his feelings about another boy? And in that moment I remembered my worth. My future husband wasn’t going to leave me alone while he runs after someone else.

When he came back my heart just knew a part of him has picked Danny. When I confronted him about it he agreed, saying that maybe he does want him more. I  said okay, walked out of the room, and then proceeded to pack my bag. I am not going to sit back and have someone tell me they pick someone else over me after I had dropped everything to be there with them. If losing Danny made him think he wanted him, he was in for a world full of surprise when he loses me.

Seeing me actually get everything together made something in him snap. He started saying he’s making a mistake and that I’m the one he wants.

I just laughed.

He didn’t want me, and I also don’t think he wants Danny. I think he just wants to be with whoever is hurting the most because having him is the only way Danny or I would be happy and he’s tired of seeing both of us hurting.

Our last night together was weird. It was a lot of crying and apologies and him saying he doesn’t know what he wants. We watched a movie, he tried to cuddle, but I didn’t want to touch him. How could I when I kept thinking that maybe a part of him wanted to touch someone else?

He’s emotionally retarded, and for someone who is 30 years old I expected a lot more maturity out of him. He played with my emotions, kept telling me I was what he wanted, and then when I came to make it happen he got scared. He keeps saying he’s afraid of me, scared of what he feels for me because he’s never felt like this before. Well Aidon, I need a partner that can make a choice. Someone who can stand up for what they believe in, and someone who will fight tooth and nail for love.

Danny told Aidon he would take him back if Aidon would give him proof that he is officially done with me. Apparently he wants a screenshot of a text between Aidon and I with Aidon saying he picks Danny. That should be enough proof to Aidon that Danny is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

My goodbye with Aidon was tough. I don’t want to let go because I love him and I know that the relationship we could have had would of been amazing. But looking at it now, we could not have started a relationship with all his lies and dishonesty.

I told him that he needs to take the time to really think about what he wants, and he has to be prepared that whoever he chooses may not want him back. But I said that’s the risk we take with love, and that he has to fight for it. He has to prove to whoever he picks thats what and who he wants. He has to work fucking hard, and I don’t think he actually has the strength to do that.

I could see him try and backpedal saying I’m the one he could choose and what not but at this point it’s just lip service bullshit.

Would I take him back? Probably, and I’m such an idiot for saying that. But I see something special there, however, I just can’t be the only one who see’s it.

If he wants me, he knows where to find me. But I’m not putting my life on hold while he figures it out. I got lots of life and love to give. Let the new adventures begin.