Three is a Crowd

I’ve been in Australia now for over a week visiting Aidon, and I still can’t help but to feel like there is a dark cloud looming over me.

He keeps telling me to enjoy my trip, to not think about the fact of Danny, and to enjoy the moment. But I am human. I don’t know how to turn my feelings off, pretend I’m not hurting, and to just be present. How can I be present with someone when I feel a huge part of myself screaming to run away?

Somehow Danny manages to become a topic of conversation every single day. Mainly it’s because I feel a huge sense of insecurity and I’m plagued with questions that I need answered. And every time I hurt or show some sense of pain Aidon will ask me what’s wrong. How many times can I tell him the same thing until he just understands he is the cause of it all?

The reason I’m still allowing myself to stay in this love triangle is because I can’t physically go home until the next few days. After this I will be worlds away and I won’t have to see Aidon, I won’t be forced to look at him and see him in my mind with someone else, and I will find it easier to be sad and eventually move on.

I always saw love as black or white. I know love triangles exist in movies, but I’ve learned that life is never like the movies. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I never want to be in one like it again. Imagine watching the person you love say they love you but they also love someone else too? Imagine trying to constantly be present and give your whole heart to someone who is giving less and sometimes mentally off somewhere else. I never asked to be in a competition, and although I know my worth, I’m not here to convince someone else to see it.

I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of pretending to be okay just so he can feel okay. If I keep giving him all my strength how am I going to be strong for myself? And this is how I know I love him, because I am so quick to make sure he’s okay that I’m ignoring the nagging feeling I have inside that is telling me to take care of myself. I love him, but I also love me.

I just want him to choose. Instead Danny and I both hang by like options, but I am not a option. I should be someones choice. And that’s the lesson here. We, as people, should never have to convince someone to love us. If we fall for people without the convincing, why do we feel like we have to convince them? Shouldn’t they just fall like we did?

My mom always tells me love should be easy. That there shouldn’t be too much drama and that if it’s right it just works. Sometimes I believe her and sometimes I don’t. Falling for Aidon was easy. Everything about us clicked very naturally and quickly in the beginning. Now, however, it just became difficult and I don’t know if it’s worth fighting for. I mean, if I was on the outside I would tell me to tell him to fuck off and go find someone worth it and better. But that’s the shitty thing about love. It makes you stay long after you need to, and it makes it hard to even let the worst things for us go.

I don’t know how my trip here is going to end. I hate that I will always look back on Australia and think about how I flew across the world to just get my heart broken and handed back to me. I know Aidon hasn’t picked Danny, but he hasn’t picked me either.