Choices

 

Love is weird. It takes the most simple things and makes it all complicated. I never understood why it couldn’t be like the movies. Maybe I romanticize love too much, or I fall too easily. I just am well aware of what I want and I go after it. But I tend to fall for boys who don’t know what they want, and it makes me wonder if I’m doomed to either love or be loved but never both.

I’m spending money I don’t have right now to be in Australia with Aidon. If it wasn’t for my sheer stubbornness and naivety I probably wouldn’t be here. But I wanted to show him how much I care. How much I want him, and basically, make him feel my love.

But I don’t trust him.

Because of the whole Danny situation I feel all shades of weird. When I hug him I want to let go a lot sooner than I want. When I kiss him I want it to stop. And  none of these feelings come from me being disgusted or repulsed by him, actually it’s the opposite. I feel so strongly for him that I’m scared if I hug too long or kiss too much I’m going to fall even deeper for him and just get hurt. I want to run away. I want to never speak to him again and just disappear. But at the same time I want him. I want to be with him for the long haul.

He says that he has picked me and he wants to be with me, but despite everything he still hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t made the move to make me officially his. He claims to be mine, that a title doesn’t make a difference, but for some reason to me it does.

Danny stopped talking to him after he found out about me. He discovered some photos and poems I gave to Aidon for his birthday and then showed them to him in some big dramatic reveal. He tried to get Aidon to get rid of me and Aidon said no. So in the end Danny let go. Aidon calls that making the choice to choose me, but it really wasn’t. He didn’t choose me, het got left with me like I was the last option. If Danny didn’t find out about me would I still have been the one Aidon would have picked?  Or would I still be in a competition for his attention without even knowing it.

Now Aidon is torn. He tells me he is certain of his feelings for me and nothing has changed, but you can tell there is still something weird in regards with Danny. And the worst part is, when I bring it up, he says he doesn’t know if it’s guilt or the fact that there actually might be something more for Danny. I know it’s guilt, I mean if he wanted to be with him he could have. Danny is the easier choice. He actually lives in the same country as Aidon. Why now is he confused?

So here I am, on the other side of the world, still feeling like the one who wasn’t picked. I don’t feel special. I don’t feel that wanted, and most of all I’m losing the words to say how I feel. I don’t even know what to feel anymore. I feel exhausted.

I’m trying to follow my heart. By now it would have told me to walk away. My intuition would have told me to run, but it hasn’t. Not yet. So here I am still fighting. Still hoping that maybe this could be it. That Aidon could be the one. But I’m getting tired of trying, and I deserve someone who will fight for me as much as I would him.

He says he can’t do distance. So I say I’ll close the gap. That I would move and make a life here in Australia. He says he would feel too guilty. And now I just feel like I can’t win. And if he can’t compromise, why try? He hasn’t made a choice about anything, and I sometimes think I should make it for him by walking away. If losing Danny in his life makes him question things I wonder what would happen if I was gone too.