Lit Too Soon

We are a perfect match. Okay well I’ve only physically known him for about a week, but my co-worker Macayla has been talking to me about this dude for a year, so I feel like we’re meant to be.

But my first red flag should have been the fact that his name is Michael. You see, Michael is the name of the first boy I ever fell for. Maybe this is just a sign that I have a thing for Michael’s, or that maybe I should altogether avoid Michael’s. I can’t really tell, but I have always been drawn to the things that are bad for me. That part hasn’t really changed much over the years.

It’s taken me a year to meet Michael because he has been in a committed relationship, but during that entire time Macayla has slowly been planting the seed of me in his mind and over time, it grew.

Well, grew into something.

It’s been about a month since Michael and his boyfriend broke up, and after work one day, Macayla and I went over for me to finally meet him.

I didn’t know what to expect. I knew he was cute, but beyond that I only knew bits of his personality. For example I knew he didn’t like to party, he was more of the serious type than the fling type (what I want), and he could be a home body. We are different, but he is the balance I need to help level out certain aspects of my personality.

The night we met we played a board game, I stayed a little longer than Macayla, and I was up until 3 am just hearing about his life. He confessed he hated poetry, which is a huge passion of mine, and he told me he didn’t like musicals. How does someone not like musicals! But I let it slide and I just told myself he didn’t appreciate them because no one has shown him the beauty of them. So in that moment, I made it my mission to show him.

The next day he text me about getting lunch and I happily agreed. Although our personalities were different, I wanted to keep getting to know him. He was so cute, he had the perfect body, and he had such a fun and goofy personality you couldn’t help but smile when around him. Yet he is far from perfect. He has his hang-ups, but don’t we all have a little history that just adds color to our future? And I was ready to paint with those colors.

After lunch, we went back to his apartment and hung out. I didn’t want to leave, and I could already tell his personality didn’t like to be left alone. Which is both good and bad depending on how you look at it. In this moment, it was good.

We watched an episode of Handmaids Tale, and because we hadn’t slept much, he suggested we take a nap. I LOVE naps so I was all about this idea. He went into his room and slept for an hour and I fell asleep on his insanely expensive sofa that he bought for his apartment.

After we woke up we headed to go grab coffee and hit up my rock climbing gym. We talked and laughed more, and I out climbed him easily. But when it came to weight lifting, he crushed me in form and stamina. It was nice to workout with someone, and being with him checked off one of my boyfriend fantasy boxes. I always wanted a boyfriend I could workout and climb with. After doing his ridiculous suggestion of an ab workout, I crashed down on the mat next to him, and he looked me in the eye and kissed me.

My heart literally stopped.

Usually when a guy kisses me in public I look around in fear to see who saw. I’m always scared about peoples reactions, and in a gym surrounded by both masculine men and women, my senses should have been heightened. But in that moment, I didn’t care who saw. A part of me actually wanted people to see.

I didn’t say anything after he kissed me, and neither did he. It was a perfect little moment that I didn’t feel needed any questioning. Why question a good thing?

After that we went back to his apartment, watched a movie, and spent the rest of the night talking until the sun rose. It was the perfect night, and in between laughter and kisses, he told me I made him feel tingly. My heart was beating out of my chest, but I had to keep reminding myself I had only known him for a day and that he just got out of a relationship.

He wasn’t into the last guy he dated. His last boyfriend was a rebound to the guy before, but who has a year long rebound, and was I about to be the rebound to the rebound?

After I left for work the next morning, my thoughts were still wrapped in the night before. I’ve spent so long trying to feel those “tingly” feelings and I had finally found them. He called Macayla, told her how much he liked me, and that he couldn’t wait to see what was to come. My heart had never beat faster.

He text me a lot that day and then as the weekend progressed, his texts kind of slowed. Were we just another moment to add to this blog? Another glimpse of love that I wouldn’t be able to hold? Another Michael to my Michael?

But days later we met up to hangout again, but right before I was about to head over, he called me to tell me that he didn’t want to repeat the same process of his last relationship. I was slightly taken aback because we had just met and it felt like I was already getting a definition of what we were going to be. It’s like I was being dumped before I even started. He followed up that he just wanted to be friends and it felt so contradictory to what he told me and Macayla just days before. Did he like me, or was he just caught up in a moment?

I agreed I just wanted to be friends, and I proceeded to go over and continue to hangout just to “prove” I was able to be calm, cool, and collected. Yet my insides were basically anything but. The entire time together I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to recreate the amazing night we had before, but instead of being offered to stay, I went home with dry lips and a sinking feeling in my chest. Our moment came and went, and I was too caught up in the feelings to see the ending that I shouldn’t have been surprised to see.

He called Macayla and told her everything and she did her best to reassure me that he still liked me but needed time. I know he needs time, but I kind of wish I met him when he was ready. Now I’m stuck in this limbo where I have to be friends after I already caught some feelings. It’s the worst, and now I’m stuck playing that game where I act uninterested when I am totally interested.

I guess I don’t have to play, but like I said before, I am a sucker for doing the things that are bad for me and I love a challenge. Maybe this time I can play with matches without getting burned.

Maybe this time I can win the Michael.