I’ve never really been good at math. I got a C my freshmen year and cheated in AP Calculus my senior year off of a sophomore who was in the class. Needless to say, numbers aren’t my strong suit. But words, words were always my forte. I loved English, and I love to express myself. Maybe that is why I hated math, how do you express yourself with numbers? Here’s a way, right now, I feel like a zero.

I had an epiphany the other morning. It all started when my ex boyfriends new boyfriend blocked me on Snapchat. Okay, you’re probably all thinking, “why the fuck would you be following your exes new boy on social media!” But let me give you a brief backstory so I don’t look crazy. There is a logical reason, I promise.

So one day while swiping through tinder this boy popped up. He wasn’t really my type, but our one common connection was my ex and I thought that was interesting. They didn’t have any ties to one another so obviously they met through Tinder. I swiped right, I wanted to steal him from Shay, and he and I were a match. We started talking, following one another on social media, and texting. I tried to meet up, but realized I didn’t want to go through all that effort to sabotage a new relationship for Shay. I didn’t like this Tinder boy and my intentions were pure evil; destroy Shay. So I let it go. I stopped texting, and moved on with my life leaving my little plan aside. One day, however, I see them hanging out on Snapchat and I knew my intuition was right that eventually they would get together. When I saw it, I felt weird. I knew eventually Shay would move on, but I didn’t expect to see it. But in today’s day and age, how can one really disconnect and avoid anything? Tinder boy, however, still followed me and would look at my snap stories. Did he not know I was Shane’s ex?

The other day though, I wanted to test the waters. So I sent Tinder boy a snap. He didn’t respond, and the following day, he blocked me. I knew once I reached out he would block me. Frankly, it was weird he was following me and weird I was following him and know all this random information. I’m very intuitive about stupid shit. So THAT is how I came about Tinder boy. Looking back, I do look a little crazy.

Back to the epiphany. I realized, because of Tinder boy’s blockage, that all of my exes are happily in a relationship with someone. And I’m not exaggerating. Every guy I have ever liked, is currently with someone. Mo, the guy who originated this whole blog for me, is out in Burning Man right now celebrating a one year anniversary. Mo, the boy who never loved anyone or spent a significant time dating someone, is celebrating one fucking year. Ryan, my first boyfriend who is kipped over in this blog, is also with someone. Shay, my most recent boyfriend, is currently with someone. And even my ex girlfriend is engaged to be married! The only person who is not with someone, is me. And it’s not that I have to be with anyone. I don’t, but looking at those I once loved in love with someone else, is painful. I sometimes wonder if I am the problem in the equation of dating. Am I the factor that needs to be subtracted in order to find the right answer? Yes, there is Corbit. He and I are still talking, but I am not in a relationship. I don’t have someone to lean on that I love.

I shouldn’t be consumed by those of the past while they live their future, but I can’t help but to look. I’m glad they’re happy, I really am. But I suppose I want that for myself too. I know I have to be patient. As Diana Ross once sang, “you can’t hurry love you just have to wait.” Well Miss Ross, I am tired of waiting. But I’m keeping my head up, and in the meantime, out of my exe’s social media.


One thought on “Equations

  1. Another blog that I completely relate to, in fact for a while I felt like the guy from good luck chuck. It seemed like I was the stepping stone that my exes needed before they found the one.
    Here is the thing though, you like you I want someone to lean on. Someone that I can share my faith with, my hope dreams, and obstacles. A relationship is about being a teammate. A teammate that you can conquer the world with.
    I am a hopeless romantic and wish nothing more than to have that someone, but because I want that correct teammate I’m not rushing into anything. I feel like the longer I wait the more I will appreciate him more.

    Liked by 1 person

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