What Is Happening?!

There is a mess in my head. Picture of confused handsome young man holding hand on chin and thinking while standing against cloud chalk drawing on blackboard

In an earlier post I wrote about falling in love at first sight. I met Christopher in D.C. and we had a romantic weekend that took my heart with it. One week later, here in Nashville, I met someone named Corbit. And Corbit stole my heart just like Christopher did, and now I’m just one confused boy who doesn’t know what love is. Is it possible to feel this strongly about someone after just feeling so strongly about someone else? Maybe it’s the fact that I’m traveling and I’m never in one place longer than a few days, but there is something both upsetting and intriguing by the fact my heart has been stolen for a second time. Am I a fool for love? Or are we as people able to access a deep connection with someone if we open ourselves up and live authentically? Both with Christopher and Corbit I didn’t hold back. I just expressed myself fully and went into a situation knowing it wasn’t going to be forever, but here I am wanting a forever with someone I just met.

Corbit is an amazing person, and I feel incredibly blessed for the time I got to spend with him. Time, that I feel, wasn’t long enough. Meeting up with him proved to be quite difficult. I made Tinder yet again, and If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, I am a very unreliable narrator. I think I’ve been on again off again dating apps that it might reach the point where no one takes me seriously when I say I’m off it. Okay, that’s besides the point. This is about Corbit. And the only reason I created Tinder again was because I went out, got drunk, and really wanted a beautiful boy to dance with. I wasn’t going to easily find that on Broadway in Nashville.

I say meeting up was difficult for many reasons. 1) He’s currently doing his residency at a local Hospital in Nashville. 2) I’m here to visit my friend Caitlyn and she doesn’t want me spending anytime with anyone who is not her. BUT we finally found the time, and a few arguments later with Caitlyn, I finally met up with him.

We met in front of a restaurant and then just spent the rest of our time walking through Nashville and talking. Corbit is exactly my type. He is super masculine, athletic, smart, and handsome. I was enjoying every minute with him. We talked about life, our views on love, and just our passions. We were both being very open with one another, and the conversation just flowed naturally. I told Caitlyn I would have been back in a few hours, but the night went a lot longer than expected. 

After we walked through town he opened up to me and said that he played music, so I was dying to hear it. I was boasting that I sing musical theatre, which I found out later, would turn out to be a mistake. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and jam on the guitar and possibly write a song. I didn’t want the night to end so of course I said yes. I’m very glad I did.

We got back to his place and I drank two water bottles, which caused me to have to pee like 5x. It embarrassed the hell out of me because it looked like I had a bladder problem. I would literally go pee and then 10 minutes later go again. I kept drinking water so I had a reason to keep going, but I’m pretty sure that was the reason I kept going. I was just nervous and full of liquids.

He set up on the sofa with guitar in hand and I sat on the floor. I wanted a good view to admire him as he played. I don’t know what I expected, but I did not expect the talent that Corbit has. He’s studying medicine, so of course I didn’t take him seriously as a musician. But the second he started playing and he let out this amazing voice, I was floored. I thought I was good, but he made me look like a drunk white girl at karaoke trying to sing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.” He is amazing, and I wish you all could hear what I did. He was so modest about telling me had played music, but with his talent I would be shouting it from the rooftops making everyone listen to my music. But I guess that’s how we’re different and what I find I admire about him. He’s not like me, and I find that to be beautiful.

He asked me to sing with him, so we sang “The Scientist”, “Mad World”, and “Hallelujah” just to name a few. I was so embarrassed and self conscious to sing with him, but I put fear aside and did it anyway. The entire time I wanted to kiss him, and the second we finished singing “The Scientist” I felt this immediate pull to kiss him and express this overwhelming attraction I felt for him. But I didn’t. I held back because I didn’t know what he felt towards me and I wanted him to make the move.

We played music for a good two hours and then we just laid down and listened to music and talked more about life. We discussed our families, the things that make us tick, and the things we love. Slowly our bodies got closer until his hand was on my arm and mine was on his. But beyond that, nothing happened. We just sat there linked while talking. My body was screaming to be kissed, but still, it didn’t happen.

He confessed to me that normally he doesn’t like to be touched, but he felt comfortable with me and didn’t mind. After awhile we stood up and he asked me to dance. I laughed and said of course. Did he really want to dance right now in his living room? He ran to his ipod and picked the song he wanted our bodies to move to and then he pulled me close. Nora Jones’ “Come Away With Me” started playing and he rocked my body back and forth. And then it happened. He leaned in and he kissed me. His beard brushed against my skin and the scratch of it all just felt right. Like with Christopher, it felt like our lips were meant to kiss. And it confused the hell out of me even more. How was this possible? I don’t like people often, but when I do I fall fast.

I ended up staying the night, and nothing sexual really happened. We just cuddled and slept, and the next morning he dropped me back off at Caitlyn’s. I wanted more time with him. I wanted to stay in bed and listen to the Thunderstorm raging outside as it matched the rhythm of my beating heart. All of it felt unreal, and it still does, but who cares. Is it bad that I felt so much so quick for two very different people? Am I like some emotional slut who can’t control his heart? Maybe this is how life should be. We should all just be open with people because it leads to amazing things, and I think life is all about connectivity. If anything, you can have amazing connection without sex. I assure you that.

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