I Squished a Bug!


I wanted to go straight to love and skip over the falling. I’ve noticed I do that in all my relationships. I know how it is to act once feelings are already there, but I don’t know how to act in the process in which they grow. In retrospect I wasn’t ready for dating, and it took this last experience with Mo to finally figure that out.

I always saw love as a romantic fantasy. Love at first sight and true loves kiss blah blah blah. It’s what we see in movies and books. It’s what society calls love. I was so wrong. It’s not like that at all. Actually, it’s much better. Two people not automatically falling in love but using time to learn and explore each other is beautiful. It’s also scary. It’s scary because it’s uncertain. You don’t know if you two will be together. You don’t know what will happen. You don’t know anything past the day on which you’re on. I aways saw this as a waste of time, but it’s not. You’re learning. You’re growing. It’s most definitely time well spent. It’s exciting, but It’s also something I’m not good at doing. We live in the “generation now.” We need things right away. Patience simply doesn’t exist, and I’m a victim to this generation. I want things right away. I love control. I love certainty. I loved “love.”

The last boy I dated, Mo, seemed to have this all figured out. He understood not to rush things. To let them just “happen”. To go slow and with the flow. I finally understand that now too. I just wish I understood this before I met him. I wish I could have experienced the full extent of our journey. I tried to jump in the drivers seat right away and control everything. I should have just let, cue Carrie Underwood, Jesus take the wheel. It’s just hard for me because I get insecure and question if the person I’m on this journey with likes me if it’s not so often expressed. Yet that’s an issue on my part I guess. But it’s 20x more special when they do express it. Because it’s so seldom expressed, that moment it finally is means so much more. You know it’s truly coming from their heart. It’s special.

I never gave Mo time to fall for me. I already made it known I liked him and that came without him having to do anything to earn it. I wrote him poetry and drew him a picture. He never did anything for me, and me doing that stuff for him just justified the fact that he didn’t need to. He knew where I stood and therefore that’s easy to get taken advantage of. There was no challenge. There was no falling. It was just there and that’s boring. He didn’t have to try to get my attention. It was always there.

In dating you have to know who you are. If you don’t, it’s not going to work out. You’re going to lose yourself in another person and that’s wrong. They will start to invade your mind and you forget to think about yourself. You forget to live your life for you. There’s no reason to stop yourself from doing something because of the possibility that it will effect someone you like. I never want to be consumed by another person, and I never should be. That’s not love. That’s immature, yet I believe that’s always been the mindset I had when I went into love. I always made these childish mistakes. I blame Shakespeare.

Mo could see this. I’m sure he sensed I wasn’t ready, yet he never had the heart to tell me that. He did say once that our timing was bad, and I always saw that as the timing was bad for him, but I think the timing was bad for me. Whether or not that’s what he intended, he was right. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t understand anything that I understand now. I was wrong about dating, but am I ready now? Am I ready now that I’ve had time to think over everything and reflect? I don’t know. I don’t know if I will fall into the same traps and mistakes next time I like someone, but I have hope that I wont. Now I at least know what the issue is I struggle with and what I need to work on. I’m a quick learner, let’s just see if I’m a fast applier.

It’s about time I learned this lesson too. I constantly wore my heart on my sleeve because I thought this was how the world worked, but it led to a lot of hurt. I thought everyone was a hopeless romantic cheese ball. Can you blame me? That’s how the world glamorizes romance. But I need to be a little more guarded, a little more relaxed. I think it’s intimidating if someone confidently barges in and goes “heres my heart don’t break it!” Can you say “pressure”? I don’t blame Mo for seeing it as dwarfing. I basically threw everything at him and was like “love me.” Ew. I would of not liked me either.

I never saw his side of things before, but it all makes sense to me now. I finally get it. I don’t blame him if he ever saw me as obsessed or crazy. I hate those adjectives, but they are fitting. However, unlike most people, I’m not in denial about my faults. I recognize them and I try to work on them. I’m able to admit when I’m wrong, and for that, I’m proud. I let myself get overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to handle it. I still had so much growing to do and I was unaware of it. We have to fall a few times before we know how to stand. Mo has made me think and question a lot of things. He’s also shown me I don’t have as many things figured out as I thought I had. I still had/have so much more learning to do, but that’s life.

There’s nothing wrong with love being expressed as a fantasy in books and movies, just know that’s not how it is. It’s dramatized and exaggerated. It’s poetic and beautiful but it’s not real, and it shouldn’t be. Where’s the fun in flying if you never knew what it was like to walk? Don’t lose yourself when you like someone. Don’t make that mistake. Be you and live your life for you. Do what makes YOU happy. Enjoy the falling in falling in love, because honestly, that’s the best part. I didn’t know to enjoy and appreciate that, but I do now. And the next time I meet someone I take a liking to, I’m going to put myself in cruise and enjoy the views.

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